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Author: Subject: My teen angst and sexuality.

Fanatic





Posts: 254
Registered: 31/12/1969
Status: Offline

  posted on 12/12/2002 at 07:13 PM
Recently, I came out to myself. I'm 18, and I am now accepting that I am gay. Reasons being, I don't want to be gay- because my parents wouldn't like it (I'm discovering that is not so simple), I will face ridicule, I will be lonelier than ever, and I have lost control of myself (my sexuality).
I have sexual and emotional attraction towards boys. I have some sexual attraction towards girls. I have hundreds of personal reasons to be gay, and I am happy with myself, and glad I can see/accept it. However, I have only one reason to be heterosexual; It is socially accepted/expected.
For the last three years in high school, I have neglected my feelings and my sexuality completely. I didn't have a sexuality, I didn't have an orientation. I didn't date, and I didn't think about other people. I even didn't think about myself.
I started to come around 6 months ago when I was at a summer program at Savannah College of Art and Design, where I met my first boyfriend. The first time I saw him, I was deeply attracted to him (he is very cute). (And lucky for me) He was gay and very attracted back.
Oh well, it was short and intense, and I still talk to him. But this unearthing of my dormant sexuality, set me in a new spin. I went from my not being attracted to practically no one, to learning I am attracted to guys.. Now I have thought about this deeply and read many articles about the subject, and have came to the conclusion, that I am in fact gay (regardless of some attraction towards girls), there are simply many more reasons to be and a much stronger attraction towards guys.
Now how am I dealing with this? Badly. I myself am enthusiastic and content with who I am, I have a better understanding about who I am as a person... And have gotten over it and moved on. However, My family is still in my life. I have a good feeling, even though I think they suspect, that they will flip out in this discovery. They love drama- my mother will probably cry and start calling relatives, then be bitter towards me for months. My father may insist on throwing me out. One of my brothers probably wonít care, the other one may get physically violent, possibly kill me in all seriousness.
As of now, I am depressed and miserable, that I cannot share my emotions and possible boyfriends with my family. At this moment I canít bring some one home and say ďI would like you to meet Ď_____í, I care about this person. ď
I donít know what causes homosexuality, as no one truly does, but I hope my parents see it as a normal thing, not just a mistake on their part. In fact I am the only child in this family that had kept up decently in school, never drank alcohol, never smoked cigarettes, and never did any drugs. In fact I have never had sex before! (all of those years of sexual neglect). Iím a good person and a good son, Iím just afraid they will forget all of that and see only sexual deviancy. See a faggot in their house, not their child.
Iím tired. This is making me age through depression, anxiety, and even thoughts of harming myself.
I donít want to be alone, isolated, and miserable anymore. I have accepted who I am, and I am a little happier because of that. But when will my family accept me? What do I do with myself?
I have socially withdrawn from people at my school, mainly because of shame., and my grades are dropping dramatically. This is ruining my life, I need it all to just go away. I need to some how face it.
-fucking teen angst, Oh kill me... (this was posted on a gay teen angst web site previosly, I thought I would share- and beacuse it took a while to write, why not get the points?)

 

____________________
The OBOLISK is Divine.

 
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Member




Posts: 189
Registered: 31/12/1969
Status: Offline

  posted on 12/12/2002 at 07:50 PM
Do you live in Savannah?? Cause if you do and your brother lays on finger on ya I live close enough to come kick his damn teeth in! If either one of my children are gay I will love them the same and adore whoever they bring home to meet me. Unless of course that person is not treating them right or physically abuses them. I am so sorry that your family cant be more open minded and accept you as you are. If you EVER need someone to talk to I will be more than happy to talk to you. *BIG HUGS* and dont forget I will kick some brother ass for ya if he so much as pushes you...GRRRRRRR!
 

Fanatic




Posts: 254
Registered: 31/12/1969
Status: Offline

  posted on 15/12/2002 at 02:45 PM
I feel a littel better now after venting. Things are looking up, I'm getting help from a good external source. Therapy, starting next thursday.

 

____________________
The OBOLISK is Divine.

 

Fanatic




Posts: 254
Registered: 31/12/1969
Status: Offline

  posted on 15/12/2002 at 07:52 PM
nevermind, depression relapse.

 

____________________
The OBOLISK is Divine.

 

Member




Posts: 189
Registered: 31/12/1969
Status: Offline

  posted on 16/12/2002 at 09:04 AM
Awwwwww *big hugs and holds you* I am sorry sweetie. You really need some people that you can relate to and maybe talk to them. I wish there was some way I could make you feel better. People are so shallow and cruel at times.
 

Extreme Fanatic




Posts: 893
Registered: 31/12/1969
Status: Offline

  posted on 16/12/2002 at 10:39 AM
Yep, family can really be a bitch in the sexuality arena. As if its their decision to make...

 

____________________
Piggy's got the Conch!

 

Occasional Poster




Posts: 13
Registered: 2/2/2003
Status: Offline

  posted on 6/2/2003 at 12:50 PM
Therapy sure didn't help me. I'm not sure wut I am. All I know is that I'm here for now. When I told my parents that I was attracted to the same sex, they took it well enough. Only down side was from that moment on they refuse to take me seriously. For awhile, my mom swore it was a phase, guess she got tired of convincing herself. My dad doesn't say anything about it, which is pretty much his method of choice for any topic. I guess pretending that my attractions don't exisit works becuase we jsut don't talk about it and thats fien with me. Every now and again, my mom goes on about how I'm going to grow up, get married, and give her grandchildren. It's then I retreat into my little cave. It's getting very cozy in there. As for the angst, I can relate. The only people who have the slightest clue are my parents. Everyone else don't know for sure, but probably suspects. I'm the opposite postion from you, I can't tell a possible boyfriend that I have feelings for him, but I can tell my mom that I have a crush on a guy. I've decided to do what you did, withdraw. It's the easiest thing to do when you can't tell the whole truth. For me, when I can't be honest with friends, I'm acting, I'm being someon that I'm not, I'm living a lie. That gets to me sometimes, but I try to remember that I'll be out of it soon and off to college. Hopefully I'll be able to start my life there by being myself, by tearing down the layers and layers of acts. I'm sorry that you can't tell your parents. As Closetgothbabe said, people can be really cruel and shallow. I hope that everything works out for you. Good luck! More importantly, congratulations on comeing out to yourself, I know that it is a huge step to accept your true self.
 

Fanatic




Posts: 254
Registered: 31/12/1969
Status: Offline

  posted on 7/2/2003 at 04:41 PM
Thank you seth, that's importiant to me.

 

____________________
The OBOLISK is Divine.

 

Member




Posts: 190
Registered: 6/5/2002
Status: Offline

  posted on 9/2/2003 at 11:18 PM
Hey Stic,

We may have differant views on war and the military and sometimes argue, but hey, i feel for you man. I can't say that i can relate but ive gone through some weird times. Like when i thought Mo-Hawks where cool and and i gave myself one, my parents where very hard on me and with all my life style changes (expecialy with my Military Choice). Just keep in mind who you are and what you wanna be. Sure family can make life changing decisions difficult, but remember: Its your life. My parents didnt support my Military choice, but they have now excepted it. Make the choices that you want, dont be what other people what you to be. Always be honest with yourself and believe in yourself or you forever will be miserable.

-Mort

 

____________________
"Roses are Red, Violets are Blue. I'm a schizophrenic, and so am I".

 

Member




Posts: 189
Registered: 31/12/1969
Status: Offline

  posted on 10/2/2003 at 08:40 AM
Damn so wheres the mohawk pics.....I wanna see!!!!!!! hehe

I just really dont get it though, dont parents want there children to be happy as long as you arent doing anything that could hurt you. I dont really care for rednecks myself but if my kids decide thas what they like then I just have to accept that and love them no matter what makes them happy. As for there sexuality well thats there decision in life but I am sure there dad will be a complete moron about it. He is just an idiot, good thing they live with me and not him!

 

Fanatic




Posts: 254
Registered: 31/12/1969
Status: Offline

  posted on 10/2/2003 at 09:35 PM
Words of advice to parents: If your kids are gay, it isnít your fault and it isnít anyoneĎs fault. In fact it isnít an issue that needs someone at fault. Itís not like a broken plate or murder. Finding out exactly why someone is gay is about as logical and physically possible as unscrambling a scrambled egg. Itís too complex, as it involves every part of an individual- mentally, physically, socially, cognitively, intellectually, and sexually. Remember that children are about as unpredictable as anything can get. Try not to shape them too much because it will only hurt you more when they break that mold you set out for them (and they will).
If you have a problem with their being gay, you need to do some reading (avoid Dobson) and get some much needed therapy for yourself. It's still your child, and it's not all about sex. Hell it isn't even about reproduction...
People are going to hate and hurt your child for no reason what so ever- why should you add on to that? Now that doesnít mean freak out and shelter them: It means educating your child and yourself, on protection (of various types) and setting good examples (mostly verbally and mentally). Itís never a phase, and it wonít go away. It isnít a disease and it doesnít harm the mind. Again, it isnít about the sex.
Never assume... ask ask ask. Ask books, ask local gay organizations, ask the internet, ask your child.
If you want to know what itís like, turn the tables in your head. Imagine what it is like not knowing anything about having a relationship with the people you are attracted to, and you are in a society where heterosexuality is met with general disgust. Imagine your parents donít want you to ever talk about it, and you feel like dying rather than be attracted to the opposite sex. See billboards, commercials, and couples all preaching to you about how heterosexuality doesnít exist, and that you should be homosexual. Now imagine being paranoid of your gestures, mannerisms, and speech, trying not to be ďobviousĒ to anyone. Imagine being attracted to people and if you tell them, it wonít be met with the usual smiles, shyness and possibly dating, but with taunting, anger and possibly violence. Now imagine you canít possibly know what itís like, regardless of how vividly you can ponder. You can use this template to relate to any pain they are having, or see what you say sounds like to them. Imagine your parents crying and telling you ďItís just a phase!Ē when you announce you are getting married, for example. Itís like rubbing salt and fine shards of glass into fresh open wounds (Thatís about as close as I can describe the feeling).
Itís painful, donít add to it. With time, the pain goes away, and they can be happy just like anyone else can, just let them live and deal with it.
Again- remember, donít add to it and IT ISNíT ABOUT SEX. Itís about love and loving.
To all of those fantasy freaks who actually have total conscious control of their sexuality- Never ever think of being gay, it isnít worth it.

 

____________________
The OBOLISK is Divine.

 

Occasional Poster




Posts: 31
Registered: 31/12/1969
Status: Offline

  posted on 11/2/2003 at 04:09 PM
I read a book a few years ago, I think it was called "the shadows of our ancestors". They put a hole bunch of rats in a cage and let them procreate like mad. Eventually, after the cage was overpopulated, some of the rats became homosexuals. So, they ended up saying that homosexuality is an effect of overpopulation, so people wont have to many kids and take up all the natural resourses.

(looks around after lurking for so long, attempts to me a "jack the pumpkin king" like laugh, realizes thats something only danny elfman can pull off, and sneaks back into shadows...)

 

____________________
"Angels may have wings, but devils have eyes..."
- Milton

"Hell is a possiblity of sanity"
-Milton

 





Posts: 116
Registered: 14/4/2002
Status: Offline

  posted on 11/2/2003 at 04:17 PM
yeah i know about that; but yet again, just another stroke in the scrambling of an egg. It's not THE reason, but a possible reason.
 

Fanatic




Posts: 254
Registered: 31/12/1969
Status: Offline

  posted on 11/2/2003 at 06:41 PM
T' was me.

 

____________________
The OBOLISK is Divine.

 

Fanatic




Posts: 254
Registered: 31/12/1969
Status: Offline

  posted on 11/2/2003 at 06:42 PM
I really hope you aren't the Sin I remember. Troll Sin...... grrrrrrrr

 

____________________
The OBOLISK is Divine.

 

Occasional Poster




Posts: 22
Registered: 2/2/2003
Status: Offline

  posted on 9/3/2003 at 02:43 PM
Not that I am a gay boy, but maybe my story can be ok to hear?
OK, I am a bisexual girl, and I do believe I always was. You see, I have always had the opinion that sex is strickly for enjoyment. I do not wish to have any kids, both because I can't stand the idea of having children around, and because of my belifs. I think that the human has destroyed it's surroundings. We are the biggest threat to the nature, the animals, the future and ourselves. Just take a look at the Bush - Hussein thing. I truly believe the world is trying to extinct us, and homosexuality is one of the ways. That is just great! We should cherish the fact that humans in such a beautifully natural way FINALLY do what nature wishes. Anyway, therefore, I think it is a good thing to not have kids, and I see my own sexuality as nothing but my own pleasure. Since girls make me far more hot than any boy can, I prefer interactions with my own gender. And I think it's all perfectly logical!

Now, I do not know if this was interesting for anyone, but I just felt like posting a reply...

 

Extreme Fanatic




Posts: 618
Registered: 27/9/2002
Status: Offline

  posted on 9/3/2003 at 04:02 PM
I started hearing the same thing about an increase in homosexuality being nature's response to planet or species overpopulation. It makes a lot of sense if it's true. My dad always said that if you leave nature alone long enough after damaging it, that nature will always find a way to repair itself. I see that time and again as being true.

 

____________________
"When choosing between two evils, I always like to try the one I've never tried before." ~Mae West


 

Fanatic




Posts: 254
Registered: 31/12/1969
Status: Offline

  posted on 9/3/2003 at 05:31 PM
We live in a puritanical society that is relaxing it's view on homosexuality. It has little to do with over population and more with that. Look at the Greeks and Romans, and Japanese if you don't believe me. Now all of you heteros stop talking about reasons why homosexuality exists, it's actually degrading. You may not understand that, but it hurts to have people hack up my emotions and sexlife with theories and scientific fact. Just as Lecter said "Nothing happened to me. I happened." Now shut up before you drive me to homicide/suicide.

 

____________________
The OBOLISK is Divine.

 

Fanatic




Posts: 598
Registered: 24/8/2002
Status: Offline

  posted on 9/3/2003 at 06:24 PM
pretty broad assumption that everybody discussing this is hetero...especially since Alterial said she wasn't...
As to the puritanical society...if anybody actually looked at the puritan ethics that were in play in early America, one would realize that they are not the somber people in black they are commonly taken for. The morals and codes we see in play today are largely a kick back from the family values kick of the 40's and 50's.
And nobody is trying to say you are a freak or attempting to hack up your emotions and sex life. People are merely attempting to find out as much as they possibly can about something, and asking for other opinions based on things that they have heard. It's curiosity, and it's human.

 

____________________
Okay, dazzle me.

 

Fanatic




Posts: 254
Registered: 31/12/1969
Status: Offline

  posted on 9/3/2003 at 06:36 PM
ok, then read up on it and stop. And I don't believe in teenage bisexuals. Lets see where they are SOBER in 10 years.

 

____________________
The OBOLISK is Divine.

 
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