Recently, I came out to myself. I'm 18, and I am now accepting that I am
gay. Reasons being, I don't want to be gay- because my parents wouldn't
like it (I'm discovering that is not so simple), I will face ridicule, I
will be lonelier than ever, and I have lost control of myself (my
sexuality).
I have sexual and emotional attraction towards boys. I have some sexual
attraction towards girls. I have hundreds of personal reasons to be gay,
and I am happy with myself, and glad I can see/accept it. However, I have
only one reason to be heterosexual; It is socially accepted/expected.
For the last three years in high school, I have neglected my feelings and
my sexuality completely. I didn't have a sexuality, I didn't have an
orientation. I didn't date, and I didn't think about other people. I even
didn't think about myself.
I started to come around 6 months ago when I was at a summer program at
Savannah College of Art and Design, where I met my first boyfriend. The
first time I saw him, I was deeply attracted to him (he is very cute). (And
lucky for me) He was gay and very attracted back.
Oh well, it was short and intense, and I still talk to him. But this
unearthing of my dormant sexuality, set me in a new spin. I went from my
not being attracted to practically no one, to learning I am attracted to
guys.. Now I have thought about this deeply and read many articles about
the subject, and have came to the conclusion, that I am in fact gay
(regardless of some attraction towards girls), there are simply many more
reasons to be and a much stronger attraction towards guys.
Now how am I dealing with this? Badly. I myself am enthusiastic and content
with who I am, I have a better understanding about who I am as a person...
And have gotten over it and moved on. However, My family is still in my
life. I have a good feeling, even though I think they suspect, that they
will flip out in this discovery. They love drama- my mother will probably
cry and start calling relatives, then be bitter towards me for months. My
father may insist on throwing me out. One of my brothers probably won’t
care, the other one may get physically violent, possibly kill me in all
seriousness.
As of now, I am depressed and miserable, that I cannot share my emotions
and possible boyfriends with my family. At this moment I can’t bring some
one home and say “I would like you to meet ‘_____’, I care about this
person. “
I don’t know what causes homosexuality, as no one truly does, but I hope my
parents see it as a normal thing, not just a mistake on their part. In fact
I am the only child in this family that had kept up decently in school,
never drank alcohol, never smoked cigarettes, and never did any drugs. In
fact I have never had sex before! (all of those years of sexual neglect).
I’m a good person and a good son, I’m just afraid they will forget all of
that and see only sexual deviancy. See a faggot in their house, not their
child.
I’m tired. This is making me age through depression, anxiety, and even
thoughts of harming myself.
I don’t want to be alone, isolated, and miserable anymore. I have accepted
who I am, and I am a little happier because of that. But when will my
family accept me? What do I do with myself?
I have socially withdrawn from people at my school, mainly because of
shame., and my grades are dropping dramatically. This is ruining my life, I
need it all to just go away. I need to some how face it.
-fucking teen angst, Oh kill me... (this was posted on a gay teen angst web
site previosly, I thought I would share- and beacuse it took a while to
write, why not get the points?)
____________________ The OBOLISK is Divine.
Closetgothbabe
Member
Posts: 189 Registered: 31/12/1969 Status: Offline
posted on 12/12/2002 at 07:50 PM
Do you live in Savannah?? Cause if you do and your brother lays on finger
on ya I live close enough to come kick his damn teeth in! If either one of
my children are gay I will love them the same and adore whoever they bring
home to meet me. Unless of course that person is not treating them right or
physically abuses them. I am so sorry that your family cant be more open
minded and accept you as you are. If you EVER need someone to talk to I
will be more than happy to talk to you. *BIG HUGS* and dont forget I will
kick some brother ass for ya if he so much as pushes you...GRRRRRRR!
Sticupus
Fanatic
Posts: 254 Registered: 31/12/1969 Status: Offline
posted on 15/12/2002 at 02:45 PM
I feel a littel better now after venting. Things are looking up, I'm
getting help from a good external source. Therapy, starting next thursday.
____________________ The OBOLISK is Divine.
Sticupus
Fanatic
Posts: 254 Registered: 31/12/1969 Status: Offline
posted on 15/12/2002 at 07:52 PM
nevermind, depression relapse.
____________________ The OBOLISK is Divine.
Closetgothbabe
Member
Posts: 189 Registered: 31/12/1969 Status: Offline
posted on 16/12/2002 at 09:04 AM
Awwwwww *big hugs and holds you* I am sorry sweetie. You really need some
people that you can relate to and maybe talk to them. I wish there was some
way I could make you feel better. People are so shallow and cruel at times.
Ironboots
Extreme Fanatic
Posts: 893 Registered: 31/12/1969 Status: Offline
posted on 16/12/2002 at 10:39 AM
Yep, family can really be a bitch in the sexuality arena. As if its their
decision to make...
____________________ Piggy's got the Conch!
Seth
Occasional Poster
Posts: 13 Registered: 2/2/2003 Status: Offline
posted on 6/2/2003 at 12:50 PM
Therapy sure didn't help me. I'm not sure wut I am. All I know is that
I'm here for now. When I told my parents that I was attracted to the same
sex, they took it well enough. Only down side was from that moment on they
refuse to take me seriously. For awhile, my mom swore it was a phase,
guess she got tired of convincing herself. My dad doesn't say anything
about it, which is pretty much his method of choice for any topic. I guess
pretending that my attractions don't exisit works becuase we jsut don't
talk about it and thats fien with me. Every now and again, my mom goes on
about how I'm going to grow up, get married, and give her grandchildren.
It's then I retreat into my little cave. It's getting very cozy in there.
As for the angst, I can relate. The only people who have the slightest
clue are my parents. Everyone else don't know for sure, but probably
suspects. I'm the opposite postion from you, I can't tell a possible
boyfriend that I have feelings for him, but I can tell my mom that I have a
crush on a guy. I've decided to do what you did, withdraw. It's the
easiest thing to do when you can't tell the whole truth. For me, when I
can't be honest with friends, I'm acting, I'm being someon that I'm not,
I'm living a lie. That gets to me sometimes, but I try to remember that
I'll be out of it soon and off to college. Hopefully I'll be able to start
my life there by being myself, by tearing down the layers and layers of
acts. I'm sorry that you can't tell your parents. As Closetgothbabe said,
people can be really cruel and shallow. I hope that everything works out
for you. Good luck! More importantly, congratulations on comeing out to
yourself, I know that it is a huge step to accept your true self.
Sticupus
Fanatic
Posts: 254 Registered: 31/12/1969 Status: Offline
posted on 7/2/2003 at 04:41 PM
Thank you seth, that's importiant to me.
____________________ The OBOLISK is Divine.
MorteAscendo
Member
Posts: 190 Registered: 6/5/2002 Status: Offline
posted on 9/2/2003 at 11:18 PM
Hey Stic,
We may have differant views on war and the military and sometimes argue,
but hey, i feel for you man. I can't say that i can relate but ive gone
through some weird times. Like when i thought Mo-Hawks where cool and and
i gave myself one, my parents where very hard on me and with all my life
style changes (expecialy with my Military Choice). Just keep in mind who
you are and what you wanna be. Sure family can make life changing
decisions difficult, but remember: Its your life. My parents didnt
support my Military choice, but they have now excepted it. Make the
choices that you want, dont be what other people what you to be. Always
be honest with yourself and believe in yourself or you forever will be
miserable.
-Mort
____________________ "Roses are Red, Violets are Blue. I'm a schizophrenic, and so am I".
Closetgothbabe
Member
Posts: 189 Registered: 31/12/1969 Status: Offline
posted on 10/2/2003 at 08:40 AM
Damn so wheres the mohawk pics.....I wanna see!!!!!!! hehe
I just really dont get it though, dont parents want there children to be
happy as long as you arent doing anything that could hurt you. I dont
really care for rednecks myself but if my kids decide thas what they like
then I just have to accept that and love them no matter what makes them
happy. As for there sexuality well thats there decision in life but I am
sure there dad will be a complete moron about it. He is just an idiot, good
thing they live with me and not him!
Sticupus
Fanatic
Posts: 254 Registered: 31/12/1969 Status: Offline
posted on 10/2/2003 at 09:35 PM
Words of advice to parents: If your kids are gay, it isn’t your fault and
it isn’t anyone‘s fault. In fact it isn’t an issue that needs someone at
fault. It’s not like a broken plate or murder. Finding out exactly why
someone is gay is about as logical and physically possible as unscrambling
a scrambled egg. It’s too complex, as it involves every part of an
individual- mentally, physically, socially, cognitively, intellectually,
and sexually. Remember that children are about as unpredictable as anything
can get. Try not to shape them too much because it will only hurt you more
when they break that mold you set out for them (and they will).
If you have a problem with their being gay, you need to do some reading
(avoid Dobson) and get some much needed therapy for yourself. It's still
your child, and it's not all about sex. Hell it isn't even about
reproduction...
People are going to hate and hurt your child for no reason what so ever-
why should you add on to that? Now that doesn’t mean freak out and shelter
them: It means educating your child and yourself, on protection (of various
types) and setting good examples (mostly verbally and mentally). It’s never
a phase, and it won’t go away. It isn’t a disease and it doesn’t harm the
mind. Again, it isn’t about the sex.
Never assume... ask ask ask. Ask books, ask local gay organizations, ask
the internet, ask your child.
If you want to know what it’s like, turn the tables in your head. Imagine
what it is like not knowing anything about having a relationship with the
people you are attracted to, and you are in a society where heterosexuality
is met with general disgust. Imagine your parents don’t want you to ever
talk about it, and you feel like dying rather than be attracted to the
opposite sex. See billboards, commercials, and couples all preaching to you
about how heterosexuality doesn’t exist, and that you should be homosexual.
Now imagine being paranoid of your gestures, mannerisms, and speech, trying
not to be “obvious” to anyone. Imagine being attracted to people and if you
tell them, it won’t be met with the usual smiles, shyness and possibly
dating, but with taunting, anger and possibly violence. Now imagine you
can’t possibly know what it’s like, regardless of how vividly you can
ponder. You can use this template to relate to any pain they are having, or
see what you say sounds like to them. Imagine your parents crying and
telling you “It’s just a phase!” when you announce you are getting married,
for example. It’s like rubbing salt and fine shards of glass into fresh
open wounds (That’s about as close as I can describe the feeling).
It’s painful, don’t add to it. With time, the pain goes away, and they can
be happy just like anyone else can, just let them live and deal with it.
Again- remember, don’t add to it and IT ISN’T ABOUT SEX. It’s about love
and loving.
To all of those fantasy freaks who actually have total conscious control of
their sexuality- Never ever think of being gay, it isn’t worth it.
____________________ The OBOLISK is Divine.
sin
Occasional Poster
Posts: 31 Registered: 31/12/1969 Status: Offline
posted on 11/2/2003 at 04:09 PM
I read a book a few years ago, I think it was called "the shadows of our
ancestors". They put a hole bunch of rats in a cage and let them procreate
like mad. Eventually, after the cage was overpopulated, some of the rats
became homosexuals. So, they ended up saying that homosexuality is an
effect of overpopulation, so people wont have to many kids and take up all
the natural resourses.
(looks around after lurking for so long, attempts to me a "jack the pumpkin
king" like laugh, realizes thats something only danny elfman can pull off,
and sneaks back into shadows...)
____________________ "Angels may have wings, but devils have eyes..."
- Milton
"Hell is a possiblity of sanity"
-Milton
Anonymous
Posts: 116 Registered: 14/4/2002 Status: Offline
posted on 11/2/2003 at 04:17 PM
yeah i know about that; but yet again, just another stroke in the
scrambling of an egg. It's not THE reason, but a possible reason.
Sticupus
Fanatic
Posts: 254 Registered: 31/12/1969 Status: Offline
posted on 11/2/2003 at 06:41 PM
T' was me.
____________________ The OBOLISK is Divine.
Sticupus
Fanatic
Posts: 254 Registered: 31/12/1969 Status: Offline
posted on 11/2/2003 at 06:42 PM
I really hope you aren't the Sin I remember. Troll Sin...... grrrrrrrr
____________________ The OBOLISK is Divine.
AltarielOfTheUnderworld
Occasional Poster
Posts: 22 Registered: 2/2/2003 Status: Offline
posted on 9/3/2003 at 02:43 PM
Not that I am a gay boy, but maybe my story can be ok to hear?
OK, I am a bisexual girl, and I do believe I always was. You see, I have
always had the opinion that sex is strickly for enjoyment. I do not wish to
have any kids, both because I can't stand the idea of having children
around, and because of my belifs. I think that the human has destroyed it's
surroundings. We are the biggest threat to the nature, the animals, the
future and ourselves. Just take a look at the Bush - Hussein thing. I truly
believe the world is trying to extinct us, and homosexuality is one of the
ways. That is just great! We should cherish the fact that humans in such a
beautifully natural way FINALLY do what nature wishes. Anyway, therefore, I
think it is a good thing to not have kids, and I see my own sexuality as
nothing but my own pleasure. Since girls make me far more hot than any boy
can, I prefer interactions with my own gender. And I think it's all
perfectly logical!
Now, I do not know if this was interesting for anyone, but I just felt like
posting a reply...
Starlight
Extreme Fanatic
Posts: 618 Registered: 27/9/2002 Status: Offline
posted on 9/3/2003 at 04:02 PM
I started hearing the same thing about an increase in homosexuality being
nature's response to planet or species overpopulation. It makes a lot of
sense if it's true. My dad always said that if you leave nature alone long
enough after damaging it, that nature will always find a way to repair
itself. I see that time and again as being true.
____________________ "When choosing between two evils, I always like to try the one I've never
tried before." ~Mae West
Sticupus
Fanatic
Posts: 254 Registered: 31/12/1969 Status: Offline
posted on 9/3/2003 at 05:31 PM
We live in a puritanical society that is relaxing it's view on
homosexuality. It has little to do with over population and more with that.
Look at the Greeks and Romans, and Japanese if you don't believe me. Now
all of you heteros stop talking about reasons why homosexuality exists,
it's actually degrading. You may not understand that, but it hurts to have
people hack up my emotions and sexlife with theories and scientific fact.
Just as Lecter said "Nothing happened to me. I happened." Now shut up
before you drive me to homicide/suicide.
____________________ The OBOLISK is Divine.
Merry_Widow
Fanatic
Posts: 598 Registered: 24/8/2002 Status: Offline
posted on 9/3/2003 at 06:24 PM
pretty broad assumption that everybody discussing this is
hetero...especially since Alterial said she wasn't...
As to the puritanical society...if anybody actually looked at the puritan
ethics that were in play in early America, one would realize that they are
not the somber people in black they are commonly taken for. The morals and
codes we see in play today are largely a kick back from the family values
kick of the 40's and 50's.
And nobody is trying to say you are a freak or attempting to hack up your
emotions and sex life. People are merely attempting to find out as much as
they possibly can about something, and asking for other opinions based on
things that they have heard. It's curiosity, and it's human.
____________________ Okay, dazzle me.
Sticupus
Fanatic
Posts: 254 Registered: 31/12/1969 Status: Offline
posted on 9/3/2003 at 06:36 PM
ok, then read up on it and stop. And I don't believe in teenage bisexuals.
Lets see where they are SOBER in 10 years.