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Author: Subject: annoying church signs

Extreme Fanatic





Posts: 897
Registered: 31/12/1969
Status: Offline

  posted on 6/1/2003 at 04:19 AM
I'm sure you have all, on your travels, at some time noticed church billboards, and the cheezy little phrases the churches feel they need to post, in the hopes of luring people inside. These tend to really piss me off. I thought it would be a nice vent to have a forum where people could post the real doozies.

Here's mine, I saw it yesterday afternoon -

"What if you didn't believe Me, and you were wrong? -God"

*shudder*

 

Fanatic




Posts: 580
Registered: 31/12/1969
Status: Offline

  posted on 6/1/2003 at 04:29 AM
Yeah, those funky little Christian koans get to me as well. I live in the immediate vicinity of three seperate church billboards and have seen some real doozies. My favorite so far read as follows:

"The pastor told us to change the sign so we did."

Two weeks later, this same billboard read:

"Wanted: Sign Changer. See pastor."

~M.

 

Extreme Fanatic




Posts: 658
Registered: 27/5/2002
Status: Offline

  posted on 6/1/2003 at 05:12 AM
Well the first thing that came to mind was the mock commercial for the Catholic Church the Simpsons watched on the Super Bowl episode. Unfortunatly that was fake so it doesn't count.

The one that sticks out in my mind as the worst was on the side of a bus. It was something to the effect of:

"Hey angry teenagers,
rebel against yor parents:
Go to Church!"

 

____________________

i wanted to die, and then it progressed into wanting everyone else to die so i could watch, and then me die.

-ickgirl

 

Extreme Fanatic




Posts: 893
Registered: 31/12/1969
Status: Offline

  posted on 6/1/2003 at 10:14 AM
Your sig really goes well with this forum, squid...

But its really strange. I live within a mile of 5 churches, but I don't really remember anything they say. I guess I'm immune to it?

 

____________________
Piggy's got the Conch!

 

Fanatic




Posts: 206
Registered: 1/1/2003
Status: Offline

  posted on 6/1/2003 at 10:24 AM
What gets me are the Religious bumper stickers. like "Got Jesus?" I didn't know I needed him. Is he high in calcium or fiber? And my all time favorite "life is short, pray hard" Life is short pray hard? So gods rips us away from existence as quickly as possible, and I'm supposed to pray to the guy. Its fairly obvious that churchs are undermining any respect they had by trying to make inane, semi-catchy, rip off slogans. Thats realy sad. I was never a particualy religious person, but my friend goes to church every Sunday, and he says he feels almost ashamed at that kind of stuff. Yay for society!

 

____________________
“The only thing that can alter the good writer is death.”
“You know that if I were reincarnated, I’d want to come back a buzzard. Nothing hates him. He is never bothered or in danger, and he can eat anything.”
Faulkner

 

Fanatic




Posts: 463
Registered: 31/12/1969
Status: Offline

  posted on 6/1/2003 at 12:44 PM
I live in beaver county *I've heard them all before, so they don't really need to be said again*

It has the highest concentratoin of churches and bars(in fact, at a lot of churches, you can walk across the street to the bar). Even with that going for it, we don't really have any church bilboards anywhere. I think that I've seen maybe three total.

With the move to philly I may see more, don't know, I haven't really kept my eyes out for them.

 

____________________
Sometimes I dream about dinosaurs shopping for cargo shorts at the Gap. Does that make me a bad person?

 

Extreme Fanatic




Posts: 618
Registered: 27/9/2002
Status: Offline

  posted on 6/1/2003 at 01:16 PM
I have luckily moved away from an area where I had to view those billboards daily. *looks much relieved* I have seen a few good responses to those type of billboards on bumper stickers though. One of my favorites is "I'm sorry I didn't go to church. I was too busy practicing witchcraft and lesbianism to go."

 

____________________
"When choosing between two evils, I always like to try the one I've never tried before." ~Mae West


 

Fanatic




Posts: 344
Registered: 31/12/1969
Status: Offline

  posted on 6/1/2003 at 01:39 PM
I like that one Starlight, if only they had one for atheism, and sodomy.

Around here we have the "God listens" billboards, and "Jesus loves you" ones.

 

____________________
co-worker: "Your gay!?"
myself: "Didn't you see my rainbow pin?"
co-worker: "I just thought you liked skettles."
-(yes, it actually happened to me)

 

Extreme Fanatic




Posts: 1570
Registered: 31/12/1969
Status: Offline

  posted on 6/1/2003 at 07:24 PM
Xaos, there probably aren't any needs for billboards because having a church across from a bar implants enough guilt in the drunks to do the job itself!

I remember one time I was in photography in college, and a friend and I were out trying to find bizarre or misspelled signs to take pictures of for a project (the crowning pic of the whole thing, mind you, was a wallgreen's advertisement for Nad's, that green aussie goop for hair removal. It read "aussie nads on sale 5.99" and we DIED)
and ran across a church sign that said "where in hell will you be?" on the back it said "without jesus" Well the fun part, I imagine, but anyway. We took quite a few pics when this guy that was a TOTAL NED FLANDERS KNOCKOFF comes strollin up to us and I swear the first thing out of my mouth to this man was "Hi didly ho neighbor!" and he was like "Hey yourself neighbor! I saw you lookeylooin our sign there, whaddya think?"
It was fantastic. We chatted for a minute and ended with givin him a handshake and an "Okilydokily, see you later!"
I thought my friend was going to die, it was CLASSIC.
*sigh* it was great. And starlight, I swear that bumpersticker is my all time fav..makes me laugh every time I see it *LOL*
I think the one I hate the MOST is "Warning: in case of rapture this car will be unmanned". Great. So God's gonna rapture you in the middle of friggin DRIVING A VEHICLE and let your goddamned minivan careen all over the road and mutilate those who haven't been raptured YET. I want one that says "warning: in case of rapture I'm SO stealing your car and moving into your house."

BTW this is WAY off topic, but if you live near a fred meyer store, go to the natural foods section and buy those clearanced out maple candy santa clause's. NUTHIN BUT SUGAH BABY and it's GOOOOOOOD.
MMmmmm...who could have ever guessed eating santa would be so divine...mmmm.

 

____________________
Trapped in time. Surrounded by evil. Low on gas.

 

Extreme Fanatic




Posts: 897
Registered: 31/12/1969
Status: Offline

  posted on 6/1/2003 at 07:31 PM
Squire, I really identify with your friend. I used to be a church-goer, but I've been pulling away from the whole Christianity thing, and one of the reasons is I am embarrassed by the way Christians present themselves, and I don't want to be identified with them. Too many Christians present trite, mindless little phrases and think they've said something significant. Too many Christians have atrophied brains.

I really don't think that God has much respect for someone who has faith because a billboard told them to. That's just having an easily suggestible mind. Those people are the reason why tobacco and alcohol billboards are taboo.

It makes me wonder - do these people believe in God, or in their phrases?

 

Fanatic




Posts: 470
Registered: 23/9/2002
Status: Offline

  posted on 6/1/2003 at 08:52 PM
I used to live in the middle of the bible belt, and then more recently near the upper left hand corner of the buckle...anyway too of my favorite and horribly obscure church signs:

"Remember, God serves desert first." (I have never understood this one)

"Forbiden Fruit makes the best Jam." (mmmmmmmmm... Forbiden Jam....ararararghhhh)

 

____________________
It's like kegel exercises for your throat.~Monolycus

 

Fanatic




Posts: 206
Registered: 1/1/2003
Status: Offline

  posted on 6/1/2003 at 09:52 PM
Good question Schizo, personally I think its a major problem in Christianity. Not only are those signs and stickers relatively anoying, I hate it when you have someone spouting some catchy but totally out of context or irrelevant psalm, and then smilling to themselves as if they've spread the word of god. Are people having trouble seeing the forrest from the trees, or the words from the meaning? Is the bible a "Funky Jesus Quote book" or something designed to teach lessons and ethical and moral codes? Will they ever be able to come back there roots, or are some of todays religions meeting the begining of the end?

 

____________________
“The only thing that can alter the good writer is death.”

“You know that if I were reincarnated, I’d want to come back a buzzard.
Nothing hates him. He is never bothered or in danger, and he can eat
anything.”

Faulkner

 

Fanatic




Posts: 522
Registered: 6/7/2002
Status: Offline

  posted on 6/1/2003 at 10:39 PM
*thinks for a moment*

"Hey angry teenagers,
rebel against your parents:
Go to Church,
and start some fires!"

Yeah, that's better.

 

____________________
but at least you know, just how much pain there is in living
 

Member




Posts: 79
Registered: 31/12/1969
Status: Offline

  posted on 7/1/2003 at 03:46 PM
Yow, man, sometimes I love being a Catholic. We might suck at other things but at least we still haven't seriously about the "Catholicism WOW" thing nor have any signs like what you describe (Well... in Europe we don't, at least...)

As for signs... I always love this one I saw in Paris. There was this church and someone had graffited on it "GOD IS DEAD - NIETZSCHE" and right under it, in tiny words, someone had written with an Edding "You can bet Nietzsche IS dead - God"

 

Extreme Fanatic




Posts: 897
Registered: 31/12/1969
Status: Offline

  posted on 7/1/2003 at 04:02 PM
There have been times when I have seriously considered becoming a Catholic. They seem to be far better at avoiding the sin of tackiness than the Protestants. You should come to New England, Arthegarn. Baptist churches are pretty bad, but Pentecostal ones are even worse. They all seem to have those cheap signs out front where you can change the messages - and they all seem to use phrases like "No Jesus, No Peace, Know Jesus, Know Peace." Phrases that seem to be designed for catchiness rather than accuracy. And they always seem to be outside of some church that was built by an architect who must have wanted to see how ugly a building he could create. Now, if I could go to a cathedral, with a mass sung in Latin, I might decide to take up church again! ... well...maybe...
 

Fanatic




Posts: 580
Registered: 31/12/1969
Status: Offline

  posted on 7/1/2003 at 04:31 PM
Yes, it's hard to beat the Catholics for pomp and circumstance. Still, I actually LIKE those tacky little protestant signboards. Maybe it's my deep-seated fondness for all things kitsch, but driving by those things always brings a self-indulgent smile to my face. To me, they are like little roadside dippy birds (you know the glass birds that "drink" from a glass of water?) or concrete geese that someone has dressed in a new seasonal outfit. You can't explain to the owners of these things why they are stupid, they just are. And I really love them for that.

~Monolycus.

 

Extreme Fanatic




Posts: 658
Registered: 27/5/2002
Status: Offline

  posted on 7/1/2003 at 06:59 PM
I don't know, maybe it's the way those billboards are just simple black lettrs on a plain white backround but everytime I see them it reminds mee of the scene in They Live where Rowdy Roddy Piper puts on the sunglasses and walks into the street and sees the word "Obey" written on evreything. He looks at money and it says "Work." He looks at a magazine with a girl in a bikini on the cover and it says "Marry and Procreate."

 

____________________


i wanted to die, and then it progressed into wanting everyone else to
die so i could watch, and then me die.




-ickgirl

 

Member




Posts: 170
Registered: 6/6/2002
Status: Offline

  posted on 7/1/2003 at 07:28 PM
I was catholic until I turned nine, then I started studying other religions. People who still attend church were told a few sunday's ago that the priest who preached here for so many years molested a little girl when he preached in the cities. He resigned a month before his history was publicised. I don't see many billboards that tell you to come worship, but there is one (on the way out of the small town I go to school in) that says, "come worship, He will ease your pain." or something like that. My school sponsers this thing called youth group where kids go and hang out for like an hour, then they have to attend classes that talk about the evil of drugs and sex, and why God thinks their special and why he's special and something to that effect.

 

____________________
"Pity no one was there
No angels in the air
And the morning paper ran
One more suicide"

 

Fanatic




Posts: 470
Registered: 23/9/2002
Status: Offline

  posted on 7/1/2003 at 08:57 PM
I think my favorite stupid protestant slogan is WWJD?

I like to think to myself when I'm tied up on my knees with a ball gag in my mouth, a giant black dildo rammed into that place where the sun doesn't peek, my breasts chained to the floor by my nipple rings, my hair tied up in a clasp and bound to the cieling, down on my knees with my ass high in the air and the blindfold that will never slip....What would Jesus Do right now?

 

____________________
It's like kegel exercises for your throat.~Monolycus

 

Fanatic




Posts: 580
Registered: 31/12/1969
Status: Offline

  posted on 7/1/2003 at 09:03 PM
I think "T.M.I" covers that better than "W.W.J.D.".

~M.

 
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