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Author: Subject: Teenageness and Shmeng-filled Glory

Fanatic





Posts: 218
Registered: 30/4/2003
Status: Offline

  posted on 19/7/2004 at 12:38 AM
Gah... You know I didn't used to say much here and I would just read and not post and I would feel like I fit in.

Now I feel like It's Rage against the KGM. Though I know it's not and I was browsing the Us against Them thread and it just makes my vibes about people here all the worse. I mean I know I probably am just paranoid as hell because this has been, for the past year, a place I can go and read shit and relax form the daily stress of school.

Yes, school sucks, and I say this on a not-so-totally different then norm level... coming form a person who doesn't have but maybe one real friend in real life because of my personality and the way I say things that people never really seem to get. And now I lurking out of my shell because I was guessing maybe people here might be different because you all DO seem to think on a higher level. Now that I come out I finally face the hard facts again, not showing my personality to people and always contradicting myself hurts me in the realm of friendships and relationships.

Would it make sense if I said I feel really really old and worn out? And Iím almost 16 and I feel like Iíve had to deal with the shit of centuries? Getting out of my fucking room exhausts me to no end... not physically, but mentally. I always have a headache and I talk and people nod their head but I can ask them a question about what the subject they are nodding about and they can't tell me shit. Has the world gotten so lame that I canít have a conversation with someone and they might actually know what the hell Iím talking about? If I am so much more educated than them then why do I fail courses? I'm not depressed so much as Iím exhausted to wear it doesnít even seem worth it to get out of bed in the morning... I'll just lay there and think of the crap of people and a lot of people here suddenly dislike me because I have a hard time relating my thoughts through a keyboard or even verbally without it being completely awkward.

I guess this thread is simply typed so that maybe I can relay to people here how much it means to me to know you people and hwy I sometimes act so strangely. Have mercy


[Edited on 19/7/2004 by KittyGoesMrow]

 

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Member




Posts: 185
Registered: 31/12/1969
Status: Offline

  posted on 19/7/2004 at 01:32 AM
I worked friday night at the theatre from 6-12 and I felt like I had to deal with the shit of centuries. It's all in perspective. I periodically get similar feelings over a span of one week to one month, usually because my group of friends seems to just periodically lose all interest in conversation. But now I know that it's a feeling that comes and goes, so it's lost the "this is the most monumental case of this feeling ever" tint that is stereotypically assosciated with teenage problems.

I do know what you mean by feeling exhausted, though. For some reason, doing ANYTHING that I don't want to do (and there are quite a few things on that list) make me at least a bit mentally exhausted. I've yet to figure out why, but I keep forcing myself to do more and more as the tolerance that I SHOULD have (that everyone else seems to just naturally have), builds with experience.

Not entirely sure if that helps any, but I figured I'd try.

 

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l33t is the bastard cousin of contractions.

 

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Posts: 293
Registered: 31/12/1969
Status: Offline

  posted on 19/7/2004 at 06:49 AM
Life is Pain.

 

____________________
"Thou shalt not be afraid of the dark, nor of graveyards nor ghosts nor the devil, for thou art scarey and mean." -The Goth commandments

 

Member




Posts: 189
Registered: 31/12/1969
Status: Offline

  posted on 19/7/2004 at 06:57 AM
I wouldnt worry about it to much. I dont worry about what everyone else thinks or says. Im me and if other people dont like it then they can bite me!

 

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Guns are good, Guns are great...Kill the people that you hate!

 

Administrator




Posts: 317
Registered: 31/12/1969
Status: Online

  posted on 19/7/2004 at 09:08 AM
KGM - I think the thing that you're missing in all of this is that there is a difference between who you ARE and how you relate to people. I like who you are - most everyone I've talked to that knows you likes who you are. Your personality is fun and different, and ver y pleasant most of the time. All of your problems are stemming from HOW you relate to people, not from who you ARE. Those are 2 completely different things. Once you get that through your head, you'll be a much happier girl. Then you can work on relating to people - or not if you choose not to.

 

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So Sayeth Me

 

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Posts: 218
Registered: 30/4/2003
Status: Offline

  posted on 19/7/2004 at 11:13 AM
Awee.. thank CGB *squeeze*

Devin - Yes... That makes alot of sense and you always seem to be good at making sense where I can't find any and your my savour for that if nothing else.. *squeeze squeeze*

 

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Anata ga sabishii toki, bokumo sabishii n da yo

 

Member




Posts: 149
Registered: 31/12/1969
Status: Offline

  posted on 19/7/2004 at 12:30 PM
"Would it make sense if I said I feel really really old and worn out? And Iím almost 16 and I feel like Iíve had to deal with the shit of centuries?"

I laughed out loud at this.

Nothing makes me laugh harder than a teenager thinking they know what the weight of the world feels like. With a few exceptions, most teenagers lead a pretty fucking cushy life. Yeah, I probably felt the same way when I was that age. Let me tell you, if the me I am now could go back and see the me I was then, I would like to tell her this:

You don't know what stress is yet. Or pressure. Or shit. I know you think you do. Wait till you have to live like a real adult someday, and worry about serious things like finding a job, paying for a place to live, and feeding yourself. Suddenly moping over whether or not people like you or understand you seems pretty trivial and stupid.

Try to look at your place here from other peoples' perspectives. I'm not trying to minimalize your problems, just to make you think about the place of (what you perceive as) your suffering in the grand scheme of things.

 

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Wind me up and make me crawl to you, tie me up until I call to you.

 

Member




Posts: 112
Registered: 31/12/1969
Status: Offline

  posted on 19/7/2004 at 11:35 PM
You know, when I was in high school I hated hearing "It only gets worse from here." Yeah, high school problems may be trivial, but to a sixteen-year-old, those problems feel as real as adult problems feel to adults. Highschoolers have to put up with a lot of petty shit, and hearing "you have no idea what 'problems' are" is very, very discouraging. I remember thinking, "well, if it only gets worse from here, what's the point?" Another terrible thing to hear was, "these are the best years of your life." That made me ANGRY. I've only been in college for a year and I already see that's not true.

Think about it. Five-year-olds have it made. All they have to do in school is draw pictures and recite the alphabet, their parents make their meals for them, and they get to play videogames after school. But go up to a five-year-old and say, "You know, you should really enjoy it while you have it. Your life is easy. What 'til you get to be my age." They'll say something to the effect of, "Nuh-uh! My life is terrible! My teacher made us to FOUR workbook pages and Jason threw a rock at me during recess, and I spilled grape juice on my horse picture!" Misery is tailored to fit specific ages / maturities.

--Ms. Andree I-Am-Still-A-Coward

 

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Extreme Fanatic




Posts: 1810
Registered: 31/12/1969
Status: Offline

  posted on 19/7/2004 at 11:50 PM
no offense... but you are only miserable if you choose to be...

I have had a hard life... and only twice in my life was I miserable... both times involved lossing someone I cared about... I choose to let it all glide off... and I am happier for it...

 

____________________
The earth turns on a tilted axis - just doing the best it can.

Hohenheim of Light~Full Metal Alchemist

 

Extreme Fanatic




Posts: 1570
Registered: 31/12/1969
Status: Offline

  posted on 20/7/2004 at 12:10 AM
You also have to take into account that to the average teenager (and some adults)thinks the world revolves around them, whether they'll admit to it or not. I think it mostly has to do with hormones and lack of world experience outside home/highschool/local makeout spot. Also, when you're an adult, you have WAY more pressing issues to deal with ie: rent, spouse, job, etc and the things that normally would send you careening into the very pits of misery get brushed aside, ignored, or seem trivial to the new amount of issues at hand.

But I will say one thing, I have no tolerance for "world weary" teenagers that have no goddamned world experience. I also have no tolerance for know it all teenagers. The world may revolve around you, but that doesn't mean you know jack about it.

 

____________________
Trapped in time. Surrounded by evil. Low on gas.

 

Fanatic




Posts: 206
Registered: 1/1/2003
Status: Offline

  posted on 20/7/2004 at 11:34 AM
A friend of mine, we'll call her Sarah, is turning 14. It will mark about 5 year she's been out of a stable home. Her father is an ex-con, aparently trying to reinstate the con status, crack adicted alcoholic, her mother, a pot head delinquint, who's boyfriend enjoys beating, with fists, both sarah and her 10 year old sister. If the girls say anything about the beatings to there mother, she laughs it off, and then boyfriend teaches them another lesson. I've put ice on sarah's black eyes, and helped her relocate her fucked shoulder. She ran away from her mother, wishing to live with her father, who though an adict, a loser, and a man that dragged her through slums since she was 9 trying to run from "the law" she still loves very much. But he was arested. and so was she. She's spent almost a year now in between Mental Rehab centers for delinquint teens, and charity boarding homes for lost girls. One day, it became to much for her. She ran away with some older friends. Those friends forced her to smoke crack, follow them to peoples houses, where the girl turned tricks on old men for money, and then sarah was anally raped by a boy the girls were hanging ouit with. Stuck in Miami, battered and bleeding, she called her 19 year old pot head boyfriend for help. He told her not to bother him.

This is girl who, at 14, has begged me to let her borrow another book by Sartre, becuase she can't get enough of Existentialism. A girl who adores theological discussions. A really clever 14 year old, who just happens to beg for death everyonce and awhile. But most of the time...she smiles. It's gets better, it gets worse, but I'll tell you one thing, it could be amazingly fucking horrendous compared anything you or I know. Don't forget that.

 

____________________
ďThe only thing that can alter the good writer is death.Ē
ďYou know that if I were reincarnated, Iíd want to come back a buzzard. Nothing hates him. He is never bothered or in danger, and he can eat anything.Ē
Faulkner

 

Extreme Fanatic




Posts: 1570
Registered: 31/12/1969
Status: Offline

  posted on 20/7/2004 at 12:33 PM
K, first off, that is fucked and horrible. BUT...not every "world weary" teenager is a tragedy case, and the weight of the world involves having to read a cruddy book they hate, mow the lawn, who's friend kissed who's friend's boyfriend, and be in by curfew.
And not every "know it all" teenager cares to learn about anything before making a mess of it with their noisy mouthing off. And nobody pretends (for the most part) that their bills and rent and jobs are the most terrible things that could happen to anyone of any age. That doesn't make them not suck, but it doesn't mean we all believe our lives are hopeless.

 

____________________
Trapped in time. Surrounded by evil. Low on gas.

 

Fanatic




Posts: 218
Registered: 30/4/2003
Status: Offline

  posted on 20/7/2004 at 02:23 PM
Yeah well Iím sure I would be a lot worse if my mother hadnít gotten out of her depression and gotten me out of the hellhole we were living in for 10 years... My father was a drunk - drug abusing bastard who, if you didnít eat the big plate of food he would beat you... if you looked at him the wrong way he would come yell in your face.... and he would do really stupid shit. And he was so intelligent... but he waited it all on being drunk and destroying brain cell's And my mom used to have pictures (which he destroyed) of bloodied and bruised marks on my leg and but in the shape of a hand where he beat me 'til I was senseless... I HAVE had to see the world and I am weary of it already. I had to take care of the house because mom was away for days at her job or sitting in a stupor of depression. And my dad so drunk he would cook and fall asleep... I've had to put fires out on the stove when I was 6 and didnít really know... I had to learn how to turn off the stove because he falls asleep... He would drop his cigarette because he passes out in his chair from being so drunk and I would have to step on it. There are burn marks all around his chair from that shit. I'm not the woe-is-me teenager. I simply, after having to take care of my parents ever since I could fucking walk, want a damned break. I never had ADHD I just HAD to do many things and the anxiety just weighing on my that I couldnít sit still... it was only after a year that me and mom got our own apartment that they realized I didnít have it... then mom would yell and tell me Iím lazy when I have been doing all the stuff most teenagers do I fell back into not wanting to do all that stuff like little girls or boys shouldnít have to...There is so much more that I WILL not discuss with anyone save only two persons whom I trust with all my heart and, if reads this, will know what I speak of... I forget most of the really bad stuff because I choose to forget it and it only comes out in spurts of a seemingly mad fit... those same fits are what started my mom forcing shrinks on me... like Iím going to tell them...And why am I telling all you fuckers what I already have? I don't have to justify myself to you...I just think you need to calm down and see that maybe Iím NOT the average teen (though I am sure many have experiences these things) and maybe I am not just whiney like everyone else... I have a fucking reason to whine... so step off.

 

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Registered: 31/12/1969
Status: Offline

  posted on 20/7/2004 at 03:08 PM
like Iím going to tell them...And why am I telling all you fuckers what I already have? I don't have to justify myself to you..

Sweetheart, you are the one who started this whole forum. you felt the need to justify yourself in front of all of us when you posted your first article. And if you really wanted to make a point at why you feel so much older than you should be, than you should have just written about everything that happened to you in the first place.. because the first thing you wrote basically just looked like a "woe-is-me-my-life-is-soooo-hard-coz-im-in-highschool" teen.

-shrug-

and im still going along with my first statement in, life is pain.

Who hasnt had alchoholic parents, or a abusive beginning these days. Not to come off rather jaded by your story... but.. eh.. i am. so there you go.

[Edited on 7/20/2004 by VampCourt]

 

____________________
"Thou shalt not be afraid of the dark, nor of graveyards nor ghosts nor the
devil, for thou art scarey and mean." -The Goth commandments


 

Coward




Posts: 6
Registered: 11/5/2004
Status: Offline

  posted on 20/7/2004 at 08:09 PM
I know where you're coming from with the mental tiredness. My mother had a childhood trauma and she hasn't been the same since. She was shot just below her left eye, and she's blind in it. Your father was wrong (that 's a big understatement) in abusing you at all. There's nothing a child can do so wrong it's worth abusing someone over. Around 6 you really change emotionally and your father tampered with your mentality then. Due to this, you're not going to be 'exactly like every other teenager' as your mother says.
Yes, because of your circumstances, you're going to have some problems that cannot immediately be fixed. But I'll try my damnest to help you, and I hope you know that. You know where l am.

 

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Posts: 1570
Registered: 31/12/1969
Status: Offline

  posted on 20/7/2004 at 10:34 PM
Annnd that fit came from where? Did my post trigger it? Because if it did, you'll care to mention that nowhere in there did I say "KGM" or "EVERY FUCKING TEENAGER". But from the looks of it you AUTOMATICALLY thought I was talking about you, when I was in REALITY talking about GENERALIZATION of teenagers. And of course you don't have to explain yourself to me, I DIDN"T ASK YOU TO. You brought up teenagers, I replied with my general experiences from people I knew AS teenagers, from BEING one, and from having to deal with them NOW. Court said it, if you didn't want to explain yourself (to people that weren't asking you to), then you shouldn't have either started the forum or brought it all out after you assumed someone was attacking you personally. Don't explain yourself and then say you don't have to.

I can't say I've been there because I haven't, and I'm not going to coddle or pander you with "I understand" cuz I fucking don't. But I can tell you stories that would make your hair curl about my husband's childhood and my brother in law's childhood. I know about it vicariously through THEM, and those I grew up with in similar situations.

I'm sorry for your past and current situation, but honestly, don't fucking wig on me. I stand firmly where I was on the matter, and I'm not sorry, and if you happen to be an EXCEPTION then so be it, but don't fucking freak over something that is not entailing to YOU.

 

____________________
Trapped in time. Surrounded by evil. Low on gas.

 

Extreme Fanatic




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Registered: 31/12/1969
Status: Offline

  posted on 21/7/2004 at 02:39 AM
You know, KGM, I hear you. You had a childhood that sucked, to make the understatement of the year. And it left you scarred, jaded, and confused. You are kind of in a lost, inbetween place, neither the abused child, nor the healed adult.

I remember when I was that. I, too, was an abused child. I am now a (mostly) healed adult. But there was that inbetween time for me, as well. I was lost, and I didn't know what to do with myself, and there were times when I thought I must be out of my head. I'm sure other people thought so, too. And it interfered with my social interactions. I was both overdeveloped, and underdeveloped. Other people seemed oblivious and naive to me, and my lack of knowledge of normal social interaction turned other people off.

It seems to me that you may be in the middle of this. What I did was, I finally had to realize that I had to learn how to interact with people without annoying the hell out of them. And then I had to find some people who had some sort of clue that there was a life beyond Mama and Daddy and all the happy brothers and sisters. It wasn't other people's fault that they were annoyed by me, because I was annoying. Very annoying. But it wasn't my fault, either, so I didn't guilt-trip myself. Ok, I didn't guilt-trip myself MUCH.

I think you may need to take a little time to sort yourself out. No one is here to pick on you, but at the same time, if your behavior is irritating, people are going to get irritated. It's not our fault. But it's not really yours, either, unless you decide to cling to it for the rest of your life. The true fault belongs to those people who misused you as a child. Who robbed you of the chance to see and learn how normal people interact. That a reprimand does not have to be a beating session.

You have a difficult road to walk. Learning these things as an adult (or near adult) is hard, and takes time and concentration. I know. You need to learn to accept the fact that you are going to be annoying sometimes, and others are going to be annoyed. Use it as a learning guide - when you see that certain behavior pisses people off, then try to find a new way of interacting. It's kind of trial and error for a while.

I don't mean to be wantonly exclusionary, but I don't think that Shmeng is a good place for this. I think that certain people on Shmeng may be valuable resources in your fight to learn what you missed as a child, but I don't think Shmeng itself is the proper battleground.

Keep fighting, though. Remember, you are both underdeveloped AND overdeveloped, and the overdeveloped part doesn't disappear when you take care of the underdeveloped. You gained some things through your rough life that many with easy lives never get, or not for a long time, at least. If you can manage to reclaim what was withheld, you will end up a very valuable person. This is how many of us became who we are.

Good luck.

Oh, and PS. I also understand what the others are saying. People can't know what you don't tell them. There is no way they could have known that you actually HAD more than the usual teenage angst going on. And on top of that, your story is dismally common around here, so no one's going to be impressed if they think that someone is trying to get special consideration because of their tough childhood. Childhood abuse victims are a dime a dozen on this site. That can be bad for you, if you just want attention and some oh-poor-you-ing, but good if you want some genuine advice along the way. But it is just as important for you to understand where other people are coming from, as it is for them to understand you.

 

____________________
"You can tell by the scars on my arms and the cracks in my hips and the dents in my car and the blisters on my lips that I'm not the carefullest of girls." - Dresden Dolls, "Girl Anachronism"

 

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Registered: 14/7/2004
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  posted on 21/7/2004 at 05:42 AM
uhm...
seems like i found some "colleagues"
I got beaten by both of my parents since i was 6 til i was around 18 or some...
got beaten for ridiculous things... sometimes so hard i couldn't stand upright without terrible pain...
So what?
I coped with the crap...
hard way but it's possible...

 

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Posts: 218
Registered: 30/4/2003
Status: Offline

  posted on 21/7/2004 at 02:34 PM
Bettie your posting in the forum that I posted so i figured you were directing at me... I'm sory, I'm just extremely paranoid about everything. I probably should have never posted this thing.

 

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