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Articles: I haven't cried enough yet, but I'm done anyway |
Posted by
Ashe on Thursday, May 23, 2002 - 10:30 AM PST
It's been 3 weeks since he decided I wasn't good enough. I've never been dumped before. This was a brand new thing for me. We'd been Boy/Girl since shortly before Christmas. I had no idea anything was wrong. I was perfectly happy. I was just a sex toy, nothing more. Maybe he was my toy. I'm not sure. But, the drill went like this. I'd show up at his house, we'd hang out and talk for a bit, and always end up naked. Then I'd go home and the process would repeat every couple of days, at least once a week anyway. We'd support each other on major decisions, be there for comfort when something sucked, but we never spent any time outside of the bedroom. I didn't mind. I'm 20 years old. What more do I need from a relationship?
But secretly, deep inside, I loved him. I loved him so much it made my heart ache when I went home. I always waited so much longer than I wanted to before I called. I hid everything from him because he'd told me up front he didn't want to get serious.
Well, apparently he did want to get serious. Just not with me. He toyed with me until my batteries ran out, and rather than fix me, he goes out behind my back and seeks out a new toy. And this one gets to sleep in his bed with him. The worst part? He didn't call, or ask me out for coffee to break it to me. He tells me in IMs. And for the first three days all he told me was "my interests have taken me elsewhere" like I was just supposed to accept that. God, did I freak out.
Like I said, nobody's ever dumped me before. This was a brand new hurt. It felt like someone had kicked me in the stomach. Or plunged a knife through my heart. I almost killed myself over it. How could I allow someone so much power over me? I'd never allowed anyone to control my emotions like that before. I'm developing a lovely scar on my arm from that night. It almost went further than that. But I looked over at my son sleeping, and I couldn't. I don't live just for myself. If I did, I don't think I'd be here. I'd be cold and stiff and ripe with decay. The real question is would he even care? I doubt it. I loved him, but he never saw me as a real person. I was just a plaything.
So now I'm wiping up the tears. I've stopped my sniveling. I'm over it. It helped a lot when I went up to Vashon Island to spend time with a beautiful Boy. I gained a lot of peace from that visit. Maybe now that I've moved I can finish making peace with this. He's not worth it.
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I haven't cried enough yet, but I'm done anyway | Login/Create an account | 6 Comments |
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Re: I haven't cried enough yet, but I'm done anyway
by Schizo on May 23, 2002 - 10:47 AM
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No, he's not worth it. But I don't blame you for the tears. It's all well and good to say, don't let your emotions get involved, but it seems like our emotions have minds of their own. And when they get trampled on, they hurt.
I'm glad you were able to keep from killing yourself. I'm glad you had something like your son to help you hold on to life.
There are good things out there for you, I'm sure of it. Don't let a coward rob you of your joy in life. You're too strong for that.
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Re: I haven't cried enough yet, but I'm done anyway
by MorteAscendo on May 23, 2002 - 11:28 AM
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I understand the tears, even for a guy like myself, hey i have emotions too. But the one thing you have to look at is suicide, once its done its done. I used to think about it all the time, shit sometimes i still do, but i think about the reprocussions that would happen after my death. The people that i would hurt: Friends, Family..etc. And i am very joyed that you did not do it for the simple fact that the thought of loosing your son or your son loosing you stopped you. But really, none of us males are remotely that good to hurt yourself over. I've had plenty of girl trash me even though i treated them like goddesses. But i take things in my life with a grain of salt. You said you where 20, shit im 20. I've learned that we cannot dwell on the things that make us sad, but the things that make us some what happy. Sure the shrink said i was depressed, but shit even i can be happy, from the movies i watch, to the alcohol i drink to the 10 second orgasm. Learn what i say to myself all the time, "Grain of salt". Because nothing in this point of your life should you take anything more.
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Queen of the Dinosaurs.
by Dolorosa on May 23, 2002 - 02:21 PM
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Wow...not much I can really think of saying besides "Ouch" And maybe I haven't had that exact experiance, but I can relate in my own way. You got close to taking the cowards way out...but you showed your courage when you stopped after you made the first cut. For that, you are a female T-rex...so scream "Raaaar!" and next time you seem him and his happy little toy...even if you still have feelings for him (You prolly always will), imagine yourself chasing his little caveman ass down and chompin' him in two. chompa chompa.
I've had fuckbuddies before, and I can honestly say, I've done something bastardly close to what he did. But that doesn't make it right...it was a fucked up thing to do...but him being wrong won't change things, it just seems to make you a victim.
Funny thing is, you don't sound like the victim type to me.
I praise your resiliance, you are a strong person. A coward and a whelp wouldn't be alive to tell the story. I hope to hear more from you.
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Re: I haven't cried enough yet, but I'm done anyway
by necromancer on May 23, 2002 - 06:07 PM
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I am happy to read that you thought of your son first. He needs you in this world more than anything else. You are so young and will have MANY more chances to fall in love. Don't let one guy mess that up. Watch out for the self-destructive habits that tend to crop up after heart-ache like that. And don't fall for another guy right away. You need some time.
Take Care!
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No boom boom
by VampCourt (Morbidchic@hotmail.com)
on May 24, 2002 - 05:15 AM
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that is really sad and painful. :( sorry to hear that your emotions got fucked up in that situation. I think the best thing you could have done was to back away from that as soon as you started having feelings for him. because after all you knew he had no wants of being seriouse. Im not trying to piss all over your sadness.. because yes.. It sucks when you fall for someone and they dont feel the same way.. its hurts.. but really the best thing if you do have a encounter like that again (i think) is to make yourself distant from him.. be friends and all but no boom boom. Because maybe part of your emotion for him is the touch and contact.. and that could make it even harder for you to accept that he doesnt want a relationship.. Know what i mean jelly bean?
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Re: I haven't cried enough yet, but I'm done anyway
by VladII (vladII@seznam.cz)
on May 25, 2002 - 07:06 AM
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yeah , its hurt ,but... this is a real life. what can i say more? you can safe but you can not load.
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