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How To: How to get real love |
Posted by
callei on Saturday, February 14, 2004 - 04:34 AM PST
So many people that think they want sex really want love. They get confused about the difference between a physical act and an emotional and mental state. And some want love but only go after sex. Lets look that that a little bit closer. Sex is something that you do with your body. You make your body move in certain ways that stimulate nerves in your body and the body of your partners. Love is something that happens completely in your brain. It contributes to the way that you act and the things that you do, in the same way that your past experiences influence your actions.
Some people would argue that there are lots of kinds of love. I am not going to debate that, other than to say that how one expresses love is different for each person and changes over time. Nor am I going to talk about the supposed differences between Love and Lust or if they are the same things or not. Some people would argue that love goes through phases. Again, I wont argue this other than to say that love is love and how we express it might change over time.
Real love doesn’t happen all in an instant. It doesn’t happen to you. It isn’t something that you get over, or can find just around the corner. It doesn’t come after sex, just because you had sex. It doesn’t come before sex and make it “ok” to have sex. Love isn't a time machine, a superhero, or a magic wand that can change the past, leap tall buildings, or make the cupboards full and the beanstalk grow to the sky. It won't get you promoted. It won’t make the laundry go away. It doesn’t give life meaning and purpose. It doesn’t make you a better person.
It requires more talking, but that is just because there is more desire for things to be real and healthy. Real love takes time, effort, forgiveness, a lack of "romance" (i.e. lies and manipulation) and more time. Real love is based on commonality and differences, not just sex, or goals, or daydreams. Real love goes on even if the relationship goes away. Real love is based on change and chances and space, not sex and babies and money and politics.
So how do you get real love? What do you do to have real love in your life?
Meet people with similar beliefs
Don’t try and find people with identical beliefs. They just have to be similar enough to not cause friction. Don’t look for people with similar beliefs on what music is good. You’re looking for people who have similar beliefs on the important stuff, like how to make a relationship work.
Accept that they are their own people
If you have an idea in your head of what your perfect person would be like, you’ve just ruled out most of the people you’re ever going to meet. The fun of finding love is finding people that can constantly surprise you. If you don’t get variety, you’ll be extremely bored. If you don’t accept that they’re their own person, they will try and be what you think they should be until they just can’t do it anymore. Then they will leave.
Give them space
There is nothing less attractive than a clingy person. When someone is totally clingy, it’s really obvious. When someone is just a little bit clingy, it’s less obvious, but it’s still there. If you don’t give people room to breathe, they will take it. If you insist that if they love you, they won’t need space, then they will take it anyway and hurt you.
Take your own space
If you need space, you need to take it. It’s best if you do this as soon as you feel it. That way you’ll only need a little bit. If you wait until you’re feeling totally suffocated, you’ll need way more time than the other person will be comfortable with, and it will put a huge strain on everyone.
If you think you don’t need space, you’re deluding yourself. If you think you’re not claiming your space out of courtesy to them, then you’re sabotaging yourself. Everyone needs some time to themselves to grow, and if you’re not growing, you’re sticking the person you love with someone boring and predictable instead of giving them someone fresh and exciting to hang out with. Not a very good present.
Share your soul with them, not just your problems
Is there something that you would just never tell your partner? Maybe a crush you have on one of their friends? If there’s anything you can’t tell them, then you’ve got work to do.
Give it 2 years before you start to try to think of it as love
In the first week, it’s not love. It’s a crush. Yes it is.
In the first three months, it really, really feels like love, but it’s not. That’s chemistry you’re feeling. It may be the beginnings of love if you let it – but you need to be aware that it’s not love if you want it to end up being love later.
From three months to about six to eight months is settling in. This is when you really get to know the person. There’s a lot of bonding in this time, but bonding is not love. You will be getting closer sure, but there’s still a possibility that the relationship can end and you won’t feel the same way anymore. That is not love.
From six months to two years you will get comfortable. You will start sharing more and bonding more. You will either start drifting apart, getting bogged down by the mundane stuff of life, or you will start getting closer.
If you’re approaching 2 years, and find yourself still getting closer and closer to the person instead of farther away, then there’s a good chance you’ve found it. If not, hopefully, you’ve got a good friend for life.
Once you have reached the 4-5 year mark, you will have a good idea how to give them love and how to receive love from them. This is when a new type of dedication comes into play. Before you accepted their changes, or supported them in changing. Now you get to remind them to change. Friends don’t let friends rot away.
Give to them freely and accept their gifts with grace
This doesn’t just apply to presents. If you think of something to do for them that would make them happy, then just do it. If they want to do something for you, don’t argue – they are doing it because it makes them feel good too. If you’ve really found love, then doing something for them should feel just as good as doing something for yourself.
Don’t be “Self-less”
They love you for your “Self” and if you pretend to toss that “Self” out, then what do they have to love? So tell them when you do something for them. This may sounds weird, but if you do all sorts of things for your lover and they don’t NOTICE, then you get hurt and they don’t know that they got a gift. Both people lose.
Accept them for who they really are
Everyone has good points and bad points. They also have in-between point. Don’t think of your lover as just good and bad things; accept that they are multi-dimensional and ever changing. Accept that they will have tweekytime. Accept that they are fallible. Accept that they are perfect as they are now and as they were then and as they will be later on. Accept that they are imperfect now and always will be.
Ok so you have now read all these silly little articles and you are saying so what. You notice that to get laid you need to be only selfish, while to get well laid you need to be able to think about one other person as equally important and real? And to have sex with more than one person you have to be able to think about the needs of at least three people at the same time? Have you considered how much more compassionate and mature you must to be to have real love as compared to real sex?
I hope so. I hope that while reading these you stopped and asked yourself, “What are my limits? What do I want? Am I really ready to trust someone else that much?” and all the associated questions. There are lots of happily involved people on this site, all of whom (to my knowledge) are happy and willing to answer your questions, or even help you ask yourself the right questions.
But not today. Today we (the happily involved) are all giving in to over-indulgence in chocolate, sex, and snuggles.
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Note: Written by (in alphabetic order) callei, Devin, and Shade |
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Average Rating : 5.0
Total ratings : 10
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How to get real love | Login/Create an account | 19 Comments |
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Re: How to get real love
by Psychopixi (psyche.at.psychopixi.dot.com)
on Feb 14, 2004 - 11:19 AM
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Still being highly virginal and all, the previous parts of this series were an interesting read, but nothing really relevant to me - not in the immediate future. This article however was wonderful - insightful, realistic and informative, while still being though-provoking in itself. Thanks guys!
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Re: How to get real love by Devin (devin-at-vibechild-dot-com) on Feb 14, 2004 - 01:02 PM (User info | Send a Message) http://devin.vibechild.com/ | I think the point of putting them in a series like this is to show the progression of emotional maturity that it takes to get to this point. |
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Re: How to get real love by Shade (Shade@Gothcult.com) on Feb 14, 2004 - 06:31 PM (User info | Send a Message) http://www.hotelshade.com | Only you can gauge that Psychopixi, but from all the interactions I've seen of you I would say you are pretty stable and well centered. Which of course says nothing about your emotional maturity, but it does sort of work on the edges of the issue. |
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Re: How to get real love by Psychopixi (psyche.at.psychopixi.dot.com) on Feb 15, 2004 - 04:55 AM (User info | Send a Message) http://psychopixi.com | I'd put myself at just a fraction of a level more mature than a great deal of the kiddies in my year. I'm not going round wantonly shagging anything, like many of them do but... well; I'm a teen. I know I have the whole hormonal thing working against me. |
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Re: How to get real love by callei on Feb 15, 2004 - 07:49 AM (User info | Send a Message) http://http:// | you can make it work for you instead of against you. YOu can use that time when you feel that you arent ready for casual or meaningful penetration sex (whatever that really means) to sort out what kinds of touching you like to receive and give(assuming that you make out with people) and where all your bits are and what makes them go (assuming you know how to masterbate).
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Re: How to get real love by Psychopixi (psyche.at.psychopixi.dot.com) on Feb 17, 2004 - 03:55 AM (User info | Send a Message) http://psychopixi.com | "sort out what kinds of touching you like to receive and give"
Check.
"where all your bits are and what makes them go"
Check.
Don't get me wrong, I do like the physical side of the relationship, the guy's just gotta build up my trust in him first. |
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Re: How to get real love by Domkitten (saradevil@saradevil.com) on Feb 17, 2004 - 04:11 AM (User info | Send a Message) http://www.saradevil.com | Chasity is only a virtue because of the stress of mainting it. It's far easier sometimes to sink then swim. Make him work hard for it, or save it for me!
~thinking warm cuddly thoughts about bits~ |
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Re: How to get real love
by Rogue (Rogue@skew.org)
on Feb 14, 2004 - 06:58 PM
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Great work guys, informative for all types. I'm not sure everybody takes it in that order, but it would probably work out better if they did.
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Re: How to get real love
by Domkitten (saradevil@saradevil.com)
on Feb 15, 2004 - 01:57 AM
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If I had a choice I would say this should be the first article you read in the series. If I could reccomend an article, or at least a comment for the youngsters, how to recognize and differentiate between "the need to get laid" and "the need to get real love".
Of course, most of us just need to learn that on our own.
Again, fantastic article.
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Re: How to get real love by callei on Feb 15, 2004 - 07:17 AM (User info | Send a Message) http://http:// | That is the thing, we are ready for sex long before we are ready for love. And to some extent, waiting to have sex until we are ready to have love makes the two things get all mized up with each other.
As the articles progress, they move from "I" to "The Other" and then to "Us". and that is (generally) the progression for most people. we start out only filling our own need (even if we dont understand that need) and then try to fill someone elses need. that is that learning empathy part of growing up. and only after we learn to understand our need and thier need, can we really have love.
While i do hold love to be more important in my life than sex with a stranger, I am also a bit older. When you are telling kids about career choices, you dont tell them about upper-middle-management jobs, you tell them about into level job. Then you tell them about the promotions that might come. |
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Re: How to get real love by Domkitten (saradevil@saradevil.com) on Feb 15, 2004 - 09:32 PM (User info | Send a Message) http://www.saradevil.com | I agree 100% and that pretty much outlines why I hate the state of sex education in America.
Let's talk entry level sex. Entry level sex should be masturbation. If you masturbate you are at least in some ways aware of the kinds of physical rewards that can come with sex. And, at the same time, you are also aware of how you can give that to yourself without involving another person. Having an orgasm by yourself in the privacy of your own home gives you something upon which to base choices you will make about sex with a partner.
The biggest questions I get from kids is "I want to know, and how will I find out if I don't do it?" Simple. Do it to yourself, you don't need any complicated tools, your hand, or if convient, the movable shower head, are the only resources you need for this. And trust me, there are thousands of more ways to figure it out.
What irritates me the most when it comes to the kids though, is that it is not only acceptable, but almost expected behavior for those of masculine gender to masturbate, but you can ask a girl about masturbation and she'll go on for more than 3 hours about how dirty it is.
Trust me kids, Callei knows her shit. Think entry level. Start with wanking, then look into career upgrades with some actual knowledge behind your decisions. You'll be a lot happier about it later in life. |
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Re: How to get real love by Devin (devin-at-vibechild-dot-com) on Feb 16, 2004 - 12:53 PM (User info | Send a Message) http://devin.vibechild.com/ | We thought about making a How to Masturbate one - and a BDSM one - the only reason we didn't is that we wanted one a day, and for the last one to fall on valentines day. I agree that we could have made it a much longer progression if we'd had more time. We haven't talked about it, but I wouldn't be opposed to making a few more of these. |
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Re: How to get real love by callei on Feb 16, 2004 - 02:16 PM (User info | Send a Message) http://http:// | actually we did talk about it, we just didnt have time and said that we would put those in line after all the other ones we (individuallly) have been trying to get to recently. |
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Re: How to get real love
by pandoras_choice (-)
on Feb 15, 2004 - 04:45 PM
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Excellent post! Someone said most of the stuff in there is stuff we need to learn on our own, and I agree. Still, great heads up and it sounds like the article came from lots of trials and errors and lots of personal experience. Thanks for sharing.
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Re: How to get real love
by Zero (-)
on Feb 15, 2004 - 06:20 PM
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Thanks for writing this, it helped me see that what I do really want is a meningful relationship. You know, with all the bells and whistles of true love. (mushy huh?)
oh yeah, by the way I'm new so if i just broke any rules sorry.
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Re: How to get real love
by chameleon on Feb 16, 2004 - 11:48 AM
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Shit... shoulda read this before submitting that article.
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