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Re: Condemned to Eternal Hellfire
by Schizo (Aranea@Spidersdance.com)
on Apr 29, 2005 - 02:48 AM
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I am sorry, Arthegarn, but yes, a recovering Christian. To you, Christianity is a choice you made, and you walk in it freely of your own will. But to me, it was something I was forced and held into by my family and peers. I had no options for a long time, and the pressure was intense. It nearly broke me, but I found a way to escape, and the strength to heal. Now, I don't live by compulsion, and I find that I am actually a stronger, healthier person.
The God I was raised with I do not serve. But I think that the God I was raised with was false.
Do you remember the story in the New Testament (I'm not sure exactly where it is, but it may be Acts) about the temple with the altar to the Unknown God? That's me. The fact is, I don't know what or who or if God is. If there is Someone loving me and giving me strength, then I give that Someone honor and gratitude. But I honestly don't know anymore.
I always felt, even in my most desperately Christian days, that somehow the practice of my religion was distracting me from my real goal. I was spending so much time trying to be a good Christian, that I couldn't seem to properly concentrate being a person interacting with their guide and maker. This sent constant warning signals in my heart, but I had been told so often that Christianity was the only path to God, that I was afraid to act on this feeling.
Now I no longer concern myself with religion, Christian or otherwise. I feel peace in my heart that the God I tried to serve, if it truly exists, is not looking for people who have guessed the proper religion, give it the proper names, or observe certain or specific rituals, but rather for people who search honestly, with an open heart. Perhaps this is true faith - faith in Deity Itself to hold onto a soul in love and protection, rather than clinging to doctrine or traditions to help.
I am not afraid of the uncertainties, and I am also not a mere leaf blown in the winds of my own whims and momentary fancies. There is a spark in my heart that I am content to leave unnamed that leads me on a path that makes me stronger and wiser and happier every day. Is this spark a What or a Who? Is it a part of myself, or something from outside of me? I don't know. I don't think I need to know, or guess. It seems to work just the same, named or unnamed. As long as I am listening to it, and not to the many voices outside, trying to tell me what it SHOULD be saying, I think I am doing just fine. That is how I am recovering - I am stilling the echoes of old voices that have distracted me for so long.
Have I managed to lay your fears to rest, dear friend? As Tolkein has written so eloquently, "not all who wander are lost."
But I would be very happy to have some looooooooong talks with you, nonetheless. It has been a long time, and you have become a stranger, Arthegarn.
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