I love him, I love him not, I love him, I love him not... Date Tuesday, April 23, 2024 - 04:39 PM PST Topic Experiences I met Xander a year and a half ago. He was a shy man of few words and had a somewhat threatening image to a stranger, but his innocent face was never hidden no matter how hard he tried. To myself and those others that knew him, he was the most fun guy to be around. Turning frowns, particularly mine, upside down, were his specialty. Right from the start when I first met him, I knew he could never hurt a fly, unless far beyond driven to. His best friend Adam was the complete opposite and still is. Thriving on the hurt of others, mind games and plain, straight out arrogance were Adams' strongest traits. When I met Xander and Adam, I saw Xander as a strong person that was for some reason hiding in a shell behind his long hair and metal shirts. What he was hiding I could tell was a softer, unconfident interior within the somewhat bulletproof walls of his exterior. Adam was just the same, but he was hiding something far different. He saw himself as the real "laydeeez man", but his secret was that he did not know of love. He had never experienced it and even though he acted as though sweating lust was all he cared about and continued to steal the hearts of many including myself, I could tell, even if it took me a while, even if it took him a while to realize also, that he craved much more. Xanders' feelings on love and lust were far different. He cared little of lust, little of lust compared to love. He hadn't been with anyone officially before I met him, for he believed in being only with those that you know you will love the rest of your life. Inside the beer drinking, metal listening Bogan was a true romantic that’s true goal in life was to love. At first glance, I was intrigued by both the night that I met Xander and Adam...but particularly by Adam. I was a far more insecure person up until recently at that time and I was god damn sick of purposely living un-exciting nights of overtime study. I was meeting intriguing people every weekend, being attracted to certain individuals and ignoring it. This time I was refusing to ignore. Being at the concert with my so called, "partner" at the time, Nick, who was lacking in interest in me by the minute and later getting physical with my ex best friend, Estella, I decided I had definitely earned the right to go do some exploring of my own. Obviously before this decision, I was blind to see Nicks' un-enthusiasm towards myself and the over the top enthusiasm towards Estella. Adam was the one that grabbed me to give me a mental shake and bend me to realisation by pointing out ole Nick and Estella getting physical in the corner. I was broken...not really, my pride was hurt but that was the extent of my injuries and I was intrigued by this stranger that had ever so sweetly "rescued" me from my own ignorance and asshole of a boyfriend. Next to him stood strong and tall his mysterious friend whose lips stayed tightly sealed and did not part once throughout the entire night. A slight nod was directed my way as Adam introduced me and I continued to focus on the more lively one of the two...being with an unenthusiastic character was definitely not what i wanted. Adam was lively, original and for me he was refreshing. Before being dragged off to my friends house where i was staying at the end of the concert, myself and Adam exchanged phone numbers and email addresses as you do...Xanders' lips still remained sealed, but his eyes were alive and throughout the entire night I could feel them on me. I could feel them scanning me but not in a threatening or perverted way. Whenever Adam gave me the slightest touch, I felt his eyes dart over me as I if he were a artist and I was his favorite sculpture being man handled by careless hands. I was conscious of this the entire night and not once did it feel unnatural or uncomfortable. Unfamiliar it felt yes, but it was assuring for me and it felt safe. Over the next 3 months, I continued to get to know Adam through telephone calls and Internet chat. I lived out of town in the country and he was in the city quite some distance away so seeing each other in person was not an occurrence. The first night I spoke to him on the Internet, he added Xander into the conversation...I was astounded. Talking to him was like talking to one of my best friends and I had never laughed so much in my entire life. My god how I was shocked, this man, who would not speak a word, was communicating with me and was allowing me to see the child in him. I talked to Adam every night on the phone for the next 3 months; every time the phone rang, I found my heart skip a beat and my blood pressure rise. He had me hooked. Yet, I found myself dreading his phone calls. Never had I known someone to make you feel so criticized so questioned and ever so negatively put down. I found myself struggling to make myself appear to be some cold-blooded Bogan bitch...what he was attracted to. Once again, I was blind. The person, who had given me sight whilst I was blind to Nick, was being just the same if worse and was having the same effect on me. I continued to allow myself to take his constant verbal attacks but yet was still attracted...Late at night I would talk to Xander. I felt the complete opposite and he had become my best friend. He made me smile and I felt a radiance coming from him. He was always my savior when I was down and every night that he wasn't on his computer, I would sit there, watching my screen, self consciously willing to see his online status. It would never be long before I would and then would be engaged in a non-stop conversation about anything and everything which seemed to melt away the hours on the clock. 3 months had passed since I had met the two boys, and boys that they both were in their own sense. 3 months of continued phone calls equaling up to 2 to 3 per night on Adams behalf of his normal negativity but also flirtations and statements on how we both are so compatible. He would always try to plan us two meeting up and getting together, but always no matter how hard he tried, whether it was fate or not, the plan would always go wrong and we would never end up seeing each other. The last phone call I got from Adam was your typical nightly chat on how I was not good enough, but I was still sexy and somehow, whether he did it purposely or by accident, either way he did not care, he mentioned "...my bitch, Hannah..." Obviously, I was stunned, and he told me of his girlfriend of more than 6 months and how he did not understand on why I was a bit upset. "Jesus, you didn’t think I liked YOU did you?" said the 19 year old sounding more like a 6 year old on the playground. I found myself willingly drowning myself in an emotional bubble bath of my self-pity and weaknesses from being beaten to my knees by Adam. The phone rang and I picked up the handset to be greeted by a deep, handsome voice that was unfamiliar to me but I knew who it was. It was then that I realized that until that moment, I had never heard Xanders voice...and it melted me. My face ached after the phone call from smiling so much...an unfamiliar feeling for me and my organs seemed to be tied in knots from laughing at his unstoppable humour. Xander has the most wonderful gift of turning absolutely anything, into an award-winning joke. Adam's depressing calls were replaced by Xander's and after a month or two I was invited to stay at his house for the weekend. Even though we had such an inseparable bond...I still saw him as a friend, a very close friend the closest friend I had, but no more. Looking back I can see that for the third time I was blind, I was blind to something once again that I shouldn't of been blind to...but this time it was something beautiful. Meeting him at the bus stop, I was amazed at how much of his face I had forgotten. It had been 5 months since I had last seen his face...the first time I had seen his face. He was glowing and the sight of me put a radiant smile on his face behind his long brown hair that seemed to frame his angelic face. Later that night we ventured to a party...accompanied by Adam and his new girlfriend Kim. As uncomfortable as it was I made it my goal to act as casual and unbothered as possible and found myself indulging in alcohol but only to the point of feeling slightly over taken but yet in control. Xander felt responsible of me and my actions and decided on taking me out onto the pavement so that I could sober up and I found myself observing him like I never had before. This man had cared for me like no one had and up until that moment I had not realized the extent of his beauty. I asked him why males did not care for me in my over emotional drunken state. As he always had, he was sympathetic and told me how they were all useless beings that did not understand love and that if he were in their position he would of looked after me and treasured me. I had never felt so loved and i couldn't resist but ask him to kiss me. He hesitated and refused for feeling he would be taking advantage but gave me a soft kiss on the cheek. I couldn't help but kiss him fully and i whispered to him how he had always been there for me and how fucking stupid I was for not seeing what was right in front of me. What I had been searching and craving for, had been right there. He told me of how he had always loved me, how it was killing him to know that Adam whose hands contaminate anyone he touches, had me falling for him. It has been a year and myself and Xander have been going strong in an amazing relationship but yet I find myself saddened to be with him. At times I find myself wanting to indulge myself in him, wanting to be able to dive inside him and his beauty. But then I feel myself feeling as though I can not even look at him. One half of me could not live without him and knows how I would never find another as half way descent as he is, but my other half is thinking Xander what are you doing? I don’t love you half as much as you should be loved, yet you would kill yourself for me if you had to. The fact that he has given his life to me eats me up knowing that I have the responsibility of his heart on my shoulders. He has an innocence about him, a fragile porcelain type structure that can so easily shatter if I was to ever be careless and allow to fall. I feel so guilty feeling these thoughts, he is the most perfect person I would ever find...but perfection is a flaw in itself. He has never done a thing wrong, we have never engaged in an argument and at times, I crave for him to do wrong so that I have an excuse to feel this way towards him. You know that feeling when your in the most perfect surroundings, but you feel there's something wrong, something not quite right or missing and it is so upsetting to try understand what it is. I cant help but feel it and I’m terrified at the thought of what my heart is going to tell me to do. I know that in the future, I will most probably make the most stupid mistake of my life and I will leave him, and he will never be able to look at me again. I will lose the most amazing friendship ever and never get it back. In some ways, I wish there were two of him, one as a friend and one a lover...but that’s just another example of how us humans are never satisfied. We get things handed to us on a silver platter...but we know that no matter what we get, no matter who loves us, we will never be satisfied. This article comes from Shmeng http://www.shmeng.com/ The URL for this story is: http://www.shmeng.com/modules.php?op=modload&name=News&file=article&sid=626