This whole mess started at the end of May when my mother called me on Nick's cell phone. She invited us to accompany her and her boyfriend, Bill, on vacation  to the West Coast. Nick and I weren't feeling too great about it but were  eventually overcome by the once in lifetime opportunity.

Tip#1: DON'T GO WITH YOUR PARENTS!!!!

We were told the date and time of our departure. We had our bags packed and  ready to go. We got into his purple Ranger and drove down to their house. We  soon realized that they were nowhere near ready. Their bags were not packed  - nothing.

  They were worried about things that didn't even pertain to  the trip. For example, Bill just "HAD" to get the tin (that was supposed to  be on the garage 2 weeks ago) on the garage. He also thought he "HAD" to mow  someone else's lawn (which we all knew he wouldn't get paid for until  well over a week after we got home.) The consequences: leaving a day late and  not  being 100% sure if we had everything that we needed for this  trip.

Tip#2: LEAVE PROCRASTINATING DIPSHITS AT HOME!

Tip#3: DON'T LEAVE YOUR HOUSE UNTIL YOU KNOW THAT YOU HAVE 100% OF ALL  ESSENTIAL ITEMS!!!

We FINALLY made it on the road. Our first stop was Kansas. The only reason  we stopped in retarded Kansas was because Bill just "HAD" to see Dodge City.  I am pretty sure most of you don't know what is so great about Dodge City,  Kansas. Hell, I don't even know. I am also almost sure you don't care.  Dodge City is famous for the "Wild Wild West" where drunken men with guns would  kill each other like fools. They would carry the dead to a hill where they dug them shallow graves leaving their boots sticking out of the ground. This  hill was named Boot Hill. The only thing I find remotely interesting about  this is: HOW IN THE HELL DID KANSAS GET A HILL TO BURY PEOPLE ON?!

We paid $25.00 to see these "preserved boots" sticking out of this "hill." After  spending about an hour in the ever-so-cool gift shop and only spending 2 dollars  on a magnet, we went up the hill. We saw these little cemented "boots" sticking  out of the ground. Nick, having to prove his point about how moronic this whole  day had been, got off the path and knocked one of the "preserved boots" over.  THEY WERE LITTLE STATUES OF BOOTS!!! I don't know which was more sad: Someone  making a museum for fake boot statues sticking out of the ground and calling  them preserved, or Bill thinking all this is still cool after discovering it.

Tip#4: DON'T GO TO KANSAS!

All you will see is corn, fields, and one stupid little hill  with  a "museum" dedicated to cement boot statues.

Tip#6: DON'T GO TO PIECE OF SHIT "MUSEUMS"!

After Kansas, we made it to Colorado. It's actually really nice there,  other than the fact I had to hear my mother and Bill fight for 4 hours  about Nick and I supposedly having sex in the back of the van. Which wasn't  true of course. The mountains and everything were really breathtaking. The  next morning after checking out of the hotel, we get in the van and it doesn't  start. We have NO jumper cables. We later discovered that Bill had bought a starter,  new battery, and some new brake pads and didn't put them on the van before  we left. He was too busy running around doing retarded shit like mowing someone  else's lawn. The cooler in the van wasn't helping either, seeing as  how it milked the battery. We finally got back on the road.

Tip#7: DON'T GO ON TRIPS WITH PERVERTED AND NOSEY PEOPLE ESPECIALLY IF  THEY DON'T HAVE THE PROPER CAR UTENSILS.

Tip#8: FLY TO YOUR DESTINATION!

From Colorado we went to Wyoming. By this time, If I saw another mountain,  pine tree, or lake I was going to puke. Mom decided to go to Yellowstone. The  only good thing about Yellowstone was the hot, geyser spots in the ground.  It reminded me of the Bahamas only it smelled like Sulfur. We saw a male Moose.  It would have been better if he hadn't had been pissing and shitting the  whole time we watched him. Old Faithful was just boring. I was ready to go  home an hour later. But no, my mother got the stupid hair-brained idea that  we could find a bear in Yellowstone by just driving down the road. Hello, Yogi  the Bear is a cartoon! We drove for hours in Yellowstone looking for a bear.  Finally, Nick and I bitched enough that we left.

The next morning, Bill stopped in the middle of nowhere at this cafe. I really  didn't feel comfortable eating at a small restaurant in the middle of nowhere.  I ordered chicken fried steak with egg whites. I got my food. The eggs were  not white at all. It looked like scrambled eggs. I didn't complain because  they would've probably spit in my food. I took a bite of my chicken fried  steak. It didn't taste like beef...at all. I was immediately grossed out  at the thought of Texas Chainsaw Massacre. It pissed my mom off but I didn't  care.

Tip#9: DON'T DREAM BIG WHEN VISITING A WILDLIFE RESERVE CHANCES ARE YOU'LL  SEE A DEER RELATED ANIMAL

Tip#10: DONT EAT AT STRANGE PLACES IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE!

We hit Montana next, nothing exciting. More fighting... Mom stopped at a Family  Dollar and found a $12 giraffe stool. One that's not even shin high. We  put it by the front of the van so it wouldn't get broken. We stopped at  a gas station somewhere and she put it in the back where the back seats folded  down into a bed. Where it would and did get broken. Luckily, it could be fixed  but, unluckily my mother started crying like a two year old.

Tip#11: DONT CRY OVER SOMETHING FIXABLE AND CHEAP!

We hit Idaho. Nothing but cliffs. I couldn't sleep because every 3 seconds  it's, "BILL 35MPH CORNER.... BILL WAKE UP... BILL SLOW DOWN... BILL FOR  THE LOVE OF PETE SLOW DOWN!!!"

Tip#12: MAKE SURE YOUR DRIVER STAYS AWAKE AND ALERT AT ALL TIMES!

We arrived in Washington but couldn't find a hotel to sleep at. Every  hotel for 75 miles was booked solid. We finally made it to a Motel 6 at 5 am.  Bill had insisted that it wasn't going to rain when we got to Washington  but it did. All my clothes were in the back in a "waterproof" bag. After everyone had woken up from their 4 hours of sleep, we had to spend $15  in quarters to dry our clothes.

Once we made it to Seattle, it started  to rain again and my clothes were in the back - again. Nick and I had to bitch  for Bill to pull over to put our clothes in the front. I had arranged to meet  with Devin and Litho that weekend to take some photos, and I was so excited  until we got there.

My parents were so embarrassing, and I felt like I was going to die. We went  to eat at this pizza parlor in Seattle and I really didn't feel well because  the vibe had already kicked in. The more my mom talked of nothingness, the  more I wanted to commit suicide. The next day, when we agreed to take photos  was the worst. The car broke down again and Devin had to come give us a jump.

The day had already started out like shit. The shoot came out okay except  I was too giggly and stressed. Half of my clothes were still wet. That night,  Bill and Nick came back from running around Seattle all day, and the drama  still wasn't done.

Bill and Mom started a fight right in Devin's apartment. All this screaming  and yelling over something stupid - Bill and his assumptions. If I had a gun  handy I would have shot myself right then and there. Litho ended up getting  sick a few days later over the stress and had to go to the hospital.

The next day, I went shopping and my mom spent 700 dollars on me. Devin came  over later. We were sitting ouside talking and we timed how many minutes between  each time Bill came back to check on me. The longest we timed was 4  minutes. Later on, we realized he was eavesdropping by the fence behind us  at the pool.

Then when we all went back to the room, the parents started fighting again.  This time over how big of a whore I was for having friends and having photos  taken.

Tip#13: BOOK ALL HOTELS BEFOREHAND SO YOU ARENT DRIVING LATE INTO THE NIGHT!

Tip#14: PREPARE FOR ALL WEATHER CONDITIONS!

Tip#15: STAY AWAY FROM LOUD OBNOXIOUS PEOPLE!

Tip#16: DONT PACK ANY KIND OF WEAPON WHILE TRAVELING!

Now, I would go on and on about this trip because it lasted almost three more weeks.  Far worse things happened. Basically because the two people we went with were  extremely stupid. I hope this helps some of you out for your future vacationing  plans, and if it doesn't, at least you will know that someone out there has had  a worse vacation.