These glorious united states... and the fucked up tards that make the laws
Date Thursday, March 28, 2024 - 02:23 PM PST
Topic Lemmings on Parade


In the United States of America, I have come to be appalled by the fact that a good majority of our law makers were also lawyers. Professionally, these individuals spend their time finding the best way to rape the laws, and I find that it abhorrent that the lawyers write the laws. Or… I did.
Recently, a group of friends and I stumbled across a law that makes it illegal to engage in oral sex in the state of Missouri. After reading this absurd law, we did research and compiled a list of retarded laws from all over the place. I think we’ll start with Missouri, since that is where I am currently.

Missouri
It is illegal to have oral sex. (I’m screwed)
Hard objects may not be thrown by hand. (soft ones are apparently ok)
Worrying squirrels will not be tolerated. (There aren’t words)
Installation of bathtubs with four legs resembling animal paws is prohibited. (yeah, they might run away)
Frightening a baby is in violation of the law. (GUILTY!)
It shall be unlawful to provide beer or other intoxicants to elephants. (Ummm… ok)
One may not honk another's horn. (what about another’s nose?)

Then we move on to Louisiana, because I grew up there.
It is illegal to shoot lasers at police officers. (There goes my vacation)
Stealing an alligator could land a person in jail for up to ten years. (Well damn, now you tell me!)
It is illegal to rob a bank and then shoot at the bank teller with a water pistol. (How else do you tell em it’s all a joke?”
You may not tie an alligator to a fire hydrant (*blink… blink… blink…*)
It’s illegal for a woman to drive a car unless her husband is waving a flag in front of it. (not gonna touch it)
No person may predict another's future. (I am so busted)
It is illegal to have sex with a cow. (Please!!!)
Drive-thru liquor stores are outlawed. (wow… who’d a thought?)

Then Florida, cause I am considering moving there.
If an elephant is left tied to a parking meter, the parking fee has to be paid just as it would for a vehicle. (just don’t double park)
It is illegal to sing in a public place while attired in a swimsuit. (ummm… why?)
Men may not be seen publicly in any kind of strapless gown. (this one is a no brainer)
Having sexual relations with a porcupine is illegal. (OUCH!)
It is illegal to skateboard without a license. (skateboarding IS a crime)
You may not fart in a public place after 6 P.M. on Thursdays. (thank god for that one)
It is considered an offense to shower naked. (words defy this!)
You may not kiss your wife's breasts. (can I kiss someone else’s wife’s breasts?)
It is illegal to sell your children. (how else am I supposed to save for college)
The state constitution allows for freedom of speech, a trial by jury, and pregnant pigs to not be confined in cages. (of course… pigs are people too)
The molestation of trash cans is banned. (shoulda told me sooner)
Chickens are considered a 'protected species'. (KFC?)
Persons may not tow a sled behind their bicycles. (is this really a problem here???)
Persons may not appear in public clothed in liquid latex. (damnit, and I just got it back from the cleaners)
Lap dances must be given at least six feet away from a patron. (doesn’t this defeat the purpose?)

SO… we can see the states are nuts… let’s try the feds
October 15 is designated as White Cane Safety Day. (on behalf of everyone, I say What the FUCK???)
Persons may be placed in jail for up to five years for shooting a hole in a penny. (Like this was a real big problem)
It is illegal to give free alcohol to Indians who live on reservations. (????????????)
To be a dominatrix is illegal. (well… I better go tell evanne… she’ll be pissed!)
A US citizen can take possession of any foreign, uninhabited island, as long as it contains bird droppings. (this… honestly…is completely beyond me…)
No person may appear as a contestant in more than one game show a year. (what about the reigning champion???)

Well… We’re fucked. Shakespeare said “Kill all the lawyers.” I say, “Let them live, for they amuse me.


This article comes from Shmeng
http://www.shmeng.com/

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