By any other name... Date Friday, April 19, 2024 - 11:48 AM PST Topic Experiences Love. Everybody wants it, and once they have it, they don't know what to do with it. Most people don't even know that they had it until it's gone. It's also pretty scary. I'm here to try and help you with that. I'll explain what it is, as best I can, and then we'll talk about what you have to do to find it. I want love. I'm content without it, but I would like it. I'm not even referring to a lifetime commitment, or the kind of love you find in fairy tales, but romantic love would be nice. Now, there are some kinds of love I am not content without, such as familial love, for example. We'll be discussing five types: Romantic Love, Sexual Love, Sacrificial Love , Familial Love, and Platonic Love . "If love is the answer, could you rephrase the question?" -- Lily Tomlin Romantic Love This is what most people spend their time looking for. It's the kind of love where you send flowers to someone for no reason, or you do the little things that truly matter to them. For me, I'm absolutely thrilled if someone offers me a backrub, or they give me a little note just to say they're thinking about me. I would be overcome if someone did something spontaneously romantic, from something as simple as bringing me a single flower that they picked on their way to see me, to being as extravagant (though not expensive) to plan an evening of surprises, like filling balloons with small items and having me pick which ones to pop, or blindfolding me and driving me off to somewhere I've never been to have a picnic. Personally, I've always wanted to have a picnic in the middle of a sidewalk. Romantic love is what's probably most important to me. It helps people feel loved, adored, and cherished. It's a beautiful thing if you can express it appropriately. But be warned -- if you let someone know you're capable of expressing it, and show it to them, and then you stop, you're probably in trouble. "You can't buy love, but you can pay heavily for it." -- Henny Youngman Sexual Love This is what most people actually experience in their lives. It's the sort of love that's just that much stronger than lust. It's not even necessarily just about sex. It's all sorts of physical attraction, and the expression thereof. It's appreciating the way a sunbeam glances off of someone's hair, or the way their eyes shine down deeper than you can imagine. It's how you feel when someone's touch glances across your hand, how just being near them is the most wonderful thing you can possibly have hoped for. Part of it is even that wonderful warm and fuzzy feeling you have inside when that one person is even close to you. When it becomes true sexual love, and not lust, it's absolutely glorious. This is not as easy to come by as most people think. Lust is easy to come by, but sexual *love* is not. I don't think I can really emphasize that distinction enough. Lust is the uncontrollable desire to get inside someone's pants, my dears. Sexual love is, along with everything I've described above, loving someone for what they're willing to do for you sexually, a love enough on your part to ensure that they are fully satisfied, and above all, appreciating their body for what it is. And loving it for that. "The closer I'm bound in love to you, the closer I am to free." -- Indigo Girls Sacrificial Love Sacrificial love is the kind where you're willing to sacrifice anything and everything for someone. I'll bite down and admit it for this one. I've got this kind of love for my friend Jamie. This is actually the hardest to come by in a healthy situation. Most people willing to do this are either very codependent, or passive-dependent. Either way, that's bad. Now, I feel that it's healthy in this situation for one good reason. Jamie will never ask me to do something that's bad for myself. How do I know that, you may ask? I don't. But I trust him, because I have this love for him, and I know in my heart he will never betray that. I've also known Jamie for 6 years now. That makes a large difference, and plays a very large role in why I'm willing to trust him as much as I do. Be very careful in committing yourself to this kind of love. It is not something to be taken lightly. "Love is a snowmobile racing across the tundra and then suddenly it flips over, pinning you underneath. At night, the ice weasels come." -- Matt Groening Familial Love This love is the sort that you have for your family, whether they're blood family (family of origin) or spiritual family (family of choice). It's when you want to take care of someone when they're sick, or make lunch for them, or help them with their problems. For me, anyhow, it overlaps a great deal with platonic love, but I consider my close friends to be a part of my family. It's also a sort of deep understanding; the kind that comes from having known someone your (or their) entire life, and still being able to somehow love them and interact with them as human beings. "When yer in a funk, people in love are a royal pain in the patookus." --Berkely Breathed in Outland Platonic Love This is the love you feel for your friends. It covers helping with problems, being willing to do things for them, talking to them for hours about nothing just because you can, going out and having fun, and forgiving them when they mess up. This is, in my opinion, the best kind of love. (read in a Scottish accent:) It's great! It's really great... "Dance like no one's watching, love like you'll never be hurt, sing like no one's listening, live like it's heaven on earth." -- William Pukey Other Comments So now that we've covered types, lets go into sordid details. First, remember this, if you learn nothing else from what I've said here. Love never dies. It changes, but it never dies. With that said, do not misinterpret that so that you can believe that someone who loved you in one way won't love you differently later. (Example: moving from loving someone romantically to loving them platonically, or moving from loving them sexually to loving them sacrificially.) I believe very strongly that if all 5 types of love explained here are attained for one person, that is what most people would call true love. You can not make someone love you. All you can do is be someone who can be loved; the rest is up to them. And you can not be someone who can be loved until you learn to love yourself. If you are unhappy, you can NOT be happy with another person. Just as you are not responsible for anyone else's happiness (or any of their emotions, for that matter), no one is responsible for yours but you. YOU are the only one who has to wake up with you every single day, for the rest of your life. You are the one who sees yourself in the mirror. You are the one who spends every waking moment with yourself. And so you have to care for yourself. And if you don't care for yourself, you CAN NOT care for anyone else. You will put too much energy into your insecurities and pain, and things will fall apart. Again, you may feel free to learn from my mistakes. I learned these things the hard way, and if I can spare one person this pain... it won't fix everything I've done, or justify it, but my losses will not have been in vain. I have done a great many stupid things in my time, as everyone in this world has. Few of them rival the things I have done to those I loved because I was too insecure and frightened to be able to express it in a healthy way to them. Saying "I love you" is not enough. Words can never convey what actions do. Be true to yourself, and your heart. Be someone who can be loved. Everything else will fall into place. It may be someone you least expect. It may take time. But if you truly learn to be who you are, and love who you are, people will love you for that. I love you for that. "Who needs a dream? Who needs ambition? Who'd be the fool in my position? Once I had dreams, now they're obsessions; hopes become needs, lovers possessions." -- "Where I Want To Be," Chess This article comes from Shmeng http://www.shmeng.com/ The URL for this story is: http://www.shmeng.com/modules.php?op=modload&name=News&file=article&sid=511