Who am I Then?
Date Friday, March 29, 2024 - 05:13 AM PST
Topic Cult


I keep reading those words you wrote, about your happiness, your paradise. I read about the times you found contentment. About the times you found life. About all those times when I wasn’t there.

And then I read about your fall, your misery. I feel my heart break, shatter. All the iron bands in the world could not keep that pulsating mass together. Why was I not there?
And then it starts. The little laughing voice in the back of my head. Telling me that I never had that kind of hold. Calling to attention the ease with which I was dumped, scraped of your shoe. I was never held in such regard as to drive you to the brink. You were happy; you were unhinged; and I was not the one to do it. I was not able to do it. That is why you left. That’s why I was not there.
But now we are here. You came back with a void, an abyss where your heart used to be. You shivered, standing there, so cold. And I could not let it be. I had to fix it. I had to try. I held you close. I tried to warm you, to stop your trembling. You smiled again. At least, I thought you did. Now I do not know. Always there is the laughing.
Who am I to take on such a task? I cannot even face your past without the nausea building inside of me. My insides clench and tremble, my vision blurs. I see all the things I was never allowed, never able to do, and I hurt. I hurt for the things I can’t do for you, the things that you depend on. You cannot imagine the hurt. Never in your entire existence have you ever felt anything like this. Your pain was yours, but this is mine, and you just cannot conceive the scope of it.
I cannot ignore it. I cannot escape it. That question, that voice, there with me when I wake up, lulling me into troubled dreams at night.
If I was not good enough, not able enough, to be there with you then, then who am I to be here now?

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