Spreading Holiday Cheer Date Saturday, April 20, 2024 - 04:10 AM PST Topic Entertainment Yes, the holiday season can certainly suck. After reading the "Holiday high jinx" forum I realized that over the years I have come to deal with them in my own special way. I offer a short list of things to make the holidays a little better, or at least a little more entertaining: -Organize a Baby Jesus stealing league. Get four (or more) friends together. Split into two teams of two. Agree to meet back at a safe location in two hours. Whichever team comes back with more plastic baby Jesuses (Jesi?) wins! Be sure to hit every subdivision you can think of, and plastic baby jesuses from "professional" manger scenes (churches, funeral homes, statehouse, etc.) get double points! Watch out for dogs and don't get arrested! -Get a bunch of friends together to go Christmas carroling. Drink large amounts of cider with rum. Go from house to house singing dressed in Dicken’s era winter garb. Make sure no one knows the correct words or harmonies to any of the songs you will be "singing." Ask for a donation before you move on to the next house. -Open up the phone book to a random page. Choose a name. Send this person a Christmas card detailing how terrible your life has been lately. (My girlfriend/husband/wife just left, my dog died, the house burned down, I have terminal hemorrhoids, but otherwise things are great so have a nice Christmas!) -Open up the phone book to a random page. Choose a name. Send this person a Christmas card from a person who has been dead a long, long time. (Beethoven, Cleopatra, Hitler, etc.) Make up a humorous return address for the envelope. -Yank one bulb out of string of Xmas lights on neighbor's house. As soon as they replace it, yank one in a different location. Wash, Rinse, Repeat. -Announce loudly in the toy store the story of when you first found out that Santa Claus was your parents. (This is truly evil.) -If you are a cute female, get as many other cute females as you can together and go sit on Santa's lap (at the same time) at the mall. Pay the $10.00 for the Polaroid, scan it, and make it your Xmas card. -If you are not a cute female...what the hell, do it anyway. -Spike the holiday dressing with copious amounts of marijuana. Watch the family get along for once on Xmas. -Rearrange the Nativity figures in stores, relatives’ houses, etc. into compromising positions and inappropriate little scenes of kinky orgies. Don’t forget to include the donkeys and sheep! This is hours of entertainment! -Celebrate Waffle Hanukah. On Xmas eve/Xmas day when you need to escape your family the most, there is never anything open. Waffle House to the rescue! WH is open 24 hours a day, 365 days a year. You will be surprised at how crowded it is. Order a pecan waffle and coffee. Draw anti-Christmas sentiments on napkins and give them to people in the restaurant. Play the "Waffle House Song" on the jukebox. Play it again, and sing along. If you don't have a WH in your area, I feel sorry for you. Last year during Waffle Hanukah I got to see a fight between two redneck guys with mullets. -Wrap up a HUGGEEE black double ended dildo in festive paper. Write "To: Grandma, From: (insert name of family member you don't like) on the tag. Leave gift under tree. Have your camera ready. -Get awful presents for everyone at the local thrift store. Watch them squirm as they open their gifts and pretend to like what you got them. Act as sincere as possible. Above all, try to make the best of things. Even if your family is fighting, you hate Xmas music, and you can’t afford the mindless consumerism anyway… remember… there is always cheeseball. Mmmmm….cheeseball… This article comes from Shmeng http://www.shmeng.com/ The URL for this story is: http://www.shmeng.com/modules.php?op=modload&name=News&file=article&sid=442