My Questions Of Death Date Wednesday, April 24, 2024 - 12:44 PM PST Topic Experiences It has been about a month and a half since I found out that my father has cancer. They told me 30 minutes after i got off a 9 1/2 hour flight from Tokyo at a Starbucks of all places. My father has been my best friend since I was 16. We go to bars and shoot pool, drink beer, and when I was able to, we occasionaly smoked doobies together. For the major parts of my life he was always there for me as a father, friend and the male model from my up bringing. Now when i heard the news i didnt know how to take it, yes i was sad, but i did not cry nor tear up etc... I just do not know how to deal with death. I have never in my 20 years of life had anyone in my family die nor anyone close to me. A kid in highschool that i knew ate the barrel of a gun, but i didnt know him that well. I went my whole 2 weeks leave not dealing with the thought that my father could die. He has cancer that has been brewing for more then 2 years and was not caught and the man is only 47. Now i just dont know if what i feel inside is right. Don't you think that i should have cried or been really sad? When i got home from leave back to Okinawa, I still have not had a "good" cry, or anything of the sort. But my depression had gotten to the point to where it was messing up with my work. I was getting slow and forgetting things, nothing to critical but in the patient care field you need keep on your toes. Not even 3 days after i got home my mother informed me that my grandmother heart had swollen up and some of her arteries had clogged or contracted and the doctors said she would not survive the surgery. Now that just sent me other the edge, and i was thinking more about death, my death. I would never do it my self, but i was being stupid. I drive a really fast car called a Nissan Skyline GTS-t....and i was driving around at 180KPH with no seat belt and weaving through traffic. I could never directly do it, but its the indirect that i dont have a problem with. But I slowly started to realize what the hell I was doing and sought help. For the first time in my 20 years of exististance I asked for help. Now it was not exactly the help I really wanted. They put me on anti-depressants, and i go to therapy once a week (now bi-weekly). But all I can think about when im there is death. Picturing my fathers funeral, my funeral..etc... I dont know what kind of emotions that im hiding or some that I can't explain, but am I fasinated with death, or scared of it? For the first time in my life there is a chance of loosing my best friend and father and i'm 6,000 miles away from him. I just cant explain why I think of the things that i do. If i loose him, i dont know if even then i would cry. I know that i would be sad, but why is it that i cant cry. i have even TRIED!! Is it because im male or what? Its like the never answered question: How many licks does it take to get to the tootsie center of a tootsie pop......the world may never know. This article comes from Shmeng http://www.shmeng.com/ The URL for this story is: http://www.shmeng.com/modules.php?op=modload&name=News&file=article&sid=340