Alternatives to Pickets
Date Friday, March 29, 2024 - 08:20 AM PST
Topic Experiences


Most of you are aware of my distaste for the ideal of the typical monogamous "True Love" relationship and Nuclear family. Because I'm always having to explain my living situation to people who just don't get it, my roommate and I are always venting about how people would be a lot happier if they would expand some of their definitions a little bit. We've been having a lot of these conversations lately, so I figured it was about time to write down some examples of other stuff that works for those that have been complaining about their relationships not working, but not thinking about what it would take to make them work.
I've been wondering since high school why there's not more words for relationships. You've got friends, fuckbuddies, lovers, girl/boyfriends, spouses, and all of the family words. If you're lucky enuf to be from hawaii, you've also got ohana and the family words that don't necessarily mean blood family. Aside from that you pretty much have to recycle those words and explain yourself for days to make the other person understand where you stand.

Sisters:
The reason this came up in high school is that I didn't really consider the first girl I slept with to be my girlfriend. She was one of my best friends for sure, but I thought of her more as my sister, except that we had sex all the time (and no it was not weird). Most people thought we were an item, and I'll admit it did look that way at first look. At that age I don't think people have enuf communication skills to have normal polyamourous relationships (I certainly didn't), and we were constantly trying (with varying success) to set each other up with our friends. That's not something high school sweethearts generally do from what I've seen. We weren't fuckbuddies tho - we were inseperable, and way more cozy than a normal fuckbuddy thing.

Projects:
A while back I did a project with a schizophrenic crackhead. She was the girl who's full name nobody knew but if you said "Lithium Michelle" everyone on the island knew exactly who you were talking about. I usually call stuff like that projects - but reccently I've gotten some sneers for explaining it like that. I think the sneers come from people who have tried to do projects and have had them fail hurtfully. I don't do projects unless I know they'll work. I've watched friends (mostly girls) take a messed up junkie boy and think they can fix him and they always end up getting trampled. Successful projects are a whole different thing, and incredibly satisfying - even if they do take a lot of energy. Not that I'm recommending going and finding a crazy of your own, but if you know you can do it and how you're going to do it, and you know it'll work AND you know you have the energy to finish what you started - I'd highly recommend it. I spent a few months with this girl and we learned a LOT from each other. It's really amazing what you can learn from someone who has no concept of reality. I'm sure the public perception was that we were dating, but basically I was her shrink (and her student). I'm glad I don't have a license or I'd be in jail (and not just for sleeping with her), but after years of licensed shrinks she was still a mess when I got her, and now she's doing good. I'm still not sure what to call that kind of relationship, since project doesn't really work. Maybe someone has an idea.

GothyBaby:
A few years later, I found a street brat and adopted her. She was up here visiting me a few weeks ago and kind of got this thought process going again. I just call her my GothyBaby since there's really no other word that works at all. I think of her as my little girl, except that we have sex sometimes, and always sleep nekkid and pressed closer together than I can sleep with anyone else. And no, it doesn't seem weird in the least. I remember when I first found her, I wasn't sure what I was going to do, so I found someone I didn't know and explained everything to them and asked what to do. They said they didn't know, it sounded like a lot of work, but if I did keep her, she was going to love me more than anyone else ever, and they told me not to decide lightly cuz it wouldn't be the high school "GothyBaby and Devin 4 eva", it would really be literally forever. It seems they were absolutely right. She's living in California now with her awesome girlfriend and is completely happy and getting to be really fuckin cool :)

Best Friend:
For those of you that want a more standard relationship, with the appearance of normalcy, and the shacking up and all that - might I recommend the Best Friend. I placed an order while I was out on one of my Mom's (another subject entirely) porches, smoking too many cigarettes and talking about life. She asked me for all of the details about what I wanted and made suggestions for the stuff I didn't know. I said my next girlfriend was going to be a Saggittarius Redhead who looked a little like Tori Amos but not exactly, and that she was going to be fun and share good, and be classy and punky and about the coolest person anyone I know had ever met (among other things). I figured if I was ordering my perfect girl, I might as well not hold anything back. I figured it was a pretty tall order so when mom told me to forget the conversation, I did. Then a week later I met her. She bounced up and said hi to the little blonde friend I was with, and the first words I ever said to her were "I love you too, what's your name?" A few weeks later, I saw her at a club and when it was closing, she said she was gonna take me home with her and fuck me. We didn't get around to having sex for a few days, but we were instantly best friends, and ended up living together for about 2 years (starting that night). All of our friends were jealous that we had the perfect relationship, but couldn't understand why we slept with other people. They didn't really think maybe that was why it was so perfect. See, when I was placing my order, I forgot 2 things (maybe because I was talking to a mom). I forgot to mention that she should be my type, and that we would have really good sex. She was certainly delicious, but not really my type - and the sex was fun and friendly and very cozy, but we both knew we'd had better. So instead of doing the expected thing and breaking up so we could find yummiers, we just stayed together and found yummiers anyway. We used to say just because we had our cake and were eating it too, there was no reason not to have sprinkles. Anyone who's ever dated a Saggittarius girl can probably understand their need for variety, and well... leo boys.... duh... She's still my one of my best friends, and I expect she always will be. How many of your exes can you say that about?

Wife:
Back to my current living situation, this is what has me thinking about this stuff enuf to write all of this. The girl I live with is by all appearances, my wife. We joke about the fact that she cleans the house, spends my money, does my laundry, cooks, cleans my house - and doesn't have sex with me. That's right, unlike all of the other girls on this page, I have no intention of ever having sex with her. She's certainly delicious (although not quite my type), but that's just not the vibe. We thought about actually getting married once but the tax benefeits ended up not being as good as we thought they were. My work has "domestic partner benefeits" though, and due to the whimpy conservative way they're worded (corporate speak for 'gay lover' where they don't actally say that you're having sex with the person), she fits the definition enuf to be considered my "domestic partner". We usually use the word roommate to explain it (unless we're joking, then she's my wife), but that word doesn't really work since we're way more cozy than that. We don't share a bed, we don't cuddle, we don't even get naked around each other, but we're certainly way more cozy than roommates. She probably understands me better than anyone else, she's the only person that understands EXACTLY what kind of girls I like, and she's psychic enuf to know what I need and make sure I get it without having to ask. Roommate also implies that the person pays rent, but we've never even talked about it. And yes, it's fair.

I have a bunch more examples I was going to write, but these all got longer than I was expecting. I think that's enuf tho to show that you can define your relationships however they'll work, and you don't have to try and make them into what other people think they should be. I've never seen a "happily ever after" romance work well, but I haven't had to bitch to a friend about the person I'm with in about 10 years. My relationships seem to be much happier than the ones around me, and they all tend to last forever if I want them to. Funny how the "Happily ever after" ones don't seem to do that. Someone told me once when we were talking about this that either 2 billion people were wrong or I was wrong. At this point it would take a lot to convince me that there is a right way for relationships to be and that I'm not doing it, so apparently 2 billion people CAN be wrong. If anyone would like to try and convince me otherwise, I've had that conversation about a half a million times at this point. The wall's right there, I even chalked an X on it where you should bang your head. I hope this helps someone realize that there's other ways to do stuff, and you don't have to complain about your signifigant others if you're willing to be as eccentric as you like to think you are.

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