Warning Labels
Date Friday, March 29, 2024 - 08:16 AM PST
Topic Entertainment


Ever wondered what warning labels would be like if I wrote them? Ok so many that has never crossed your mind, but now that I have said it, I bet you are intrigued. Here are some that I came up with today.


Warnings for alcohol:
Drinking alcohol may cause you to act like a brain-damaged weasel in heat.
Drinking alcohol may cause temporary damage to your vocal chords and hearing, and will certainly cause damage to other people's hearing.
Drinking alcohol may cause your already precarious sense of style to diminish to that of a colorblind, attention hungry magpie.
Drinking alcohol may cause your friends to ridicule you mercilessly the morning after.
Drinking alcohol may cause shock therapy the morning after, when you see what is sharing you pillows or what you are using as a pillow.
Drinking alcohol may cause a change in religious beliefs, sexual orientation, or other radical lifestyle alteration, especially if the drink is blue.
Drinking alcohol may cause you to eat things that buzzards would refuse.
Drinking alcohol may cause you to think that you are invisible, indestructible, or Jackie Chan.
Drinking alcohol may cause immense hospital bills, therapy bills, and legal bills even if you aren't caught.
Drinking alcohol may cause you to think that everyone else wants to hear those stories…. again.
Drinking alcohol may cause you to think that you are a super model, rock star, or royalty. Remember this is only temporary.
Warning may cause a hemorrhage in you wallet.

Warning for coffee:
Coffee may be hot, do not chug.
Coffee may be cold, do not chug.
Coffee may be old, avoid at all costs.
Warning, this coffee was brewed by people that drank heavily last night.
Warning, this coffee was brewed by people that think decaf taste the same as real coffee.
Warning, this coffee was brewed in a coffee machine older than you.
Warning, this coffee will eat through the cup in under 10 minutes.
Warning, this coffee is sweetened.
Warning, this coffee is NOT sweetened.
Warning, use in moderation, may cause irritability, anger, rage, violence, weeping, anti-social behavior, social behavior, kindness, love, gentleness, and sweaty palms.
Warning, only drink if there is a bathroom near by so that you can pee there and not on someone's car.
Warning, coffee may cause premature cynicism.

Warning on Condoms:
Warning may cause a funny taste in your mouth.
Warning may cause delayed ejaculation.
Warning may cause spontaneous fits of giggles in one or more partners.
Warning this is not candy. Do not swallow.
Warning this is not a cat toy, either in the package or out. Do not use as a cat toy or I will come kick you ass for you then turn you over the REAL pet lovers. They will call you Fifi…
Warning, this provides some protection from some social diseases, but not all. This provides no protection for foot-in-mouth disease, inappropriate laughter during quiet moments, or witty banter.
Warning, do not use if full of jello, soda, beer, chips, chocolate, ice cream, salad, or any other foodstuff or hair care product. The above may contain oil that will damage the condom.

Warnings on cigarettes:
Warning, may give you wrinkles or may reduce wrinkles if they keep you from stressing…
Warning people in California will chase you down and lecture you about second hand smoke. They often become quite hysterical. This can be a fun way to kill a boring Sunday afternoon.
Warning may cause slow lingering death. However, so does life, so take yer chances.
Warning may cause slow rupture in your wallet.
Warning may cause you light your hair, clothes, bed, bathroom, car and coat on fire almost daily, depending on how klutzy you are.
Warning may cause strange people to try to bum them off you in loud voices in dark clubs. See condom warnings…

Warning loud music:
Warning may cause brain damage, anti-social behavior, over use of make-up, outrageous clothing issues, and possible inclusion in a misunderstood subculture.
Warning may cause sex or dancing.
Warning may cause singing in some individuals.
Warning may cause the desire to wear scanty clothes.
Warning may cause some people to think that they are cooler than thou, but this is easily treated in most people.
Warning may cause large investments in stereo components and frequent evictions.
Warning may cause difficulty in understanding what that cute person said to you, or what their phone number was.

Yet one more dull Saturday night.....
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