Go Die Somewhere Date Friday, April 26, 2024 - 09:10 PM PST Topic Icky People So I'm in the gym, sweating through my daily dose of physical activity, feeling good that my new intensified workouts are toning me up nicely and increasing my endurance, when the Forces of Evil decide to let me know that my life is over. By "Forces of Evil", I mean Time Magazine and the Sun Sprint Girls. My health club has a magazine rack near the cardio equipment for those who'd rather read than listen to headphones or watch True Hollywood Story on the overhead TVs. They used to have ESPN tuned in, which was kind of inspiring, in a shame-inducing way. You could watch the Tour de France while huffing and puffing through your ten-minute workout on a stationary bike. Now you can view perfect celebrity butts while trying to whittle down your own size-12 ass. Or you can read.So I was on an elliptical trainer reading Time Magazine when I spy a snippet about former supermodel Linda Evangelista, who retired from modeling in 1998 after some "shaky runway appearances", but has returned to strut again. What makes this amazing, according to Time, is that "at 36, Linda Evangelista is one old biddy".Now, I realize the only acceptable age for models is Barely Pubescent. If I'd been reading Entertainment Weekly, I would have dismissed this as another dose of fantasy from the ridiculous fashion industry. But this was Time Magazine, a bastion of news! And this reputable publication has decreed that 36 is old! I usually shrug off such insanity. I was feeling great that day, endorphin highs being what they are. But not even the best endorphin high will protect one's ego from the Sun Sprint Girls. These creatures congregate in the locker room near the mirrors, where they style their perfectly highlighted hair with designer scrunchies and debate whether one pair of gym shorts makes their legs look better than another pair. Their tiny chests are covered with grey sorority sweatshirts, and their deeply bronzed skin always looks like they been following Zonker Harris's regimen of sun sprints. They stand by the mirror for hours, as if deciding between actually working out and standing around until some fitness-magazine photographer notices them.But on this day, they were by the scale, surreptitiously watching other women weigh themselves and waiting until they were out of earshot to snicker, "143? Can you believe that? My GOD!""Well, she's old," one Sprinter replied. "Who knows what we'll weigh when we're that old.""Oh, I don't plan to live that long," the other girl laughed. "I mean, after 30, what's there to live for? All the good stuff's over. All you have is misery and a butt that looks like…that."I stared in silence, trying to remember the last time I was so offended by strangers. Even the time two other Sprinters placed a five-dollar bet on whether or not my breasts were real didn't come close to hearing that at 30, my life was over and I might as well be dead.In my informed opinion, the good stuff starts at 30. You're out of high school and possibly college. Your juvenile mistakes are behind you. You have all the rights of adulthood. You can travel. You can drink, if that's your thing. You're in better shape financially. Maybe you have a spouse or children, and are experiencing the joys of raising a family. If you're female, you're at your sexual peak. If you're male, you finally get noticed for something other than your biceps. And you're still young enough to enjoy it all.But what do I know? I'm an "old biddy", just a few years behind Ms. Evangelista. Old enough to know that Zonker Harris was a not-too-bright Doonesbury character whose tanning gave him melanoma. Old enough to read news magazines to follow the Social Security debate. Old enough to notice the underlying sentiment that older people have no right to deprive society of money: that they should all just go die somewhere.This makes me angry. Irrational anger is an early sign of Alzheimer's. So don't get too close, dear Sprinters. Some of us "biddies" swing a mean cane. Especially those who work out every day. This article comes from Shmeng http://www.shmeng.com/ The URL for this story is: http://www.shmeng.com/modules.php?op=modload&name=News&file=article&sid=127