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pleonasm
Occasional Poster Posts: 11 Registered: 1/3/2004 Status: Offline
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posted on 11/3/2004 at 12:39 AM |
Hello all.
Squire and I have been interested in having someone join us in the
bedroom for quite some time. He says having men join is acceptable to him.
Being that he's had sexual experinces with men, I'm assuming that's why he
felt comfortable enough with that idea.
I, on the other hand wasn't so keen on (having never done anything like
this before) letting women join. Not that I'm closed to the idea, just that
if it's my first time being with a woman, I'd like to do it by myself.
Having someone watch me fumble around and blush would just make it even
more uncomfortable than if I was alone.
Also, I'm not sure how I'd feel watching the love of my life make love to
another woman. He tells me I'm being unfair, and I suppose I am. He'll let
me make love to another man, but visa versa is unsettling to me. I'm
getting so confused, and now Squire and I fight all the time about it.
Should we just forget the whole idea? I NEED advice from someone who's
"been there" We really DO want to do this. Just don't know where to start.
Thanks so much for listening.
____________________
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callei
Extreme Fanatic Posts: 759 Registered: 31/12/1969 Status: Offline
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posted on 11/3/2004 at 08:13 AM |
go have sex with a girl so it wont be your first time when you invite her
to share your boi.
in threesome sex, all three people are having sex with each other, so he
isnt just going to be doinking some blonde in front of you (unless you roll
away to go to the bathroom or something).
i get the feeling that there is a particular guy that you two have chosen
but not a particular chick? if that is the case PICK a chick, get to know
her, and pooooffff! there goes the "fear" that she will "Steal" him, he
will "love" her more, etc. If i am not guessing your issues here, then
message me and we can talk about it and see which things are bugging you
and what thier root causes are. ____________________ Real goths wear silver and crosses to keep the werewolves and vampires
away. |
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Rogue
Member Posts: 199 Registered: 31/12/1969 Status: Offline
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posted on 11/3/2004 at 08:42 AM |
Callie, right on as usual. Unless you are very relaxed, a three-way with
your first encounter with a given gender could be odd. It sounds like you
guys might need to do some other things together to build some more trust
and honesty, it takes a lot or you get fighting. I would also suggest
taking things slowly, get maybe a potential girl and have him give her
attention, see how it feels and get used to it. Part of it is a reflex to
get upset that is built in by society, and part of it is that it is a new
thing. If things get uncomfortable you can stop and talk about it more. It
also really helps if everybody is good friends, otherwise you get the
feeling that the other person is an intruder that one of you brought into
your sacred space.
If you've read Meranda's "things to do in Dayton when you're poly" article,
what might not be obvious there is that the other two people involved were
each one of our roommates at one time and we had previously been intimate
with them as well. We were very close, and that is why it was so easy for
a situation to just brew up and everybody just go with the flow.
Also, as I have mentioned elsewhere, it is important to be honest with
yourself and your partner at all times. It would be harmful if you made
yourself do something that made you uncomfortable "for him/her" and it is
important for you to know the nature of your feelings.
I can't speak for Callei, but I know that I and Meranda would be glad to
talk with you about this further either in this forum or elsewhere. |
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callei
Extreme Fanatic Posts: 759 Registered: 31/12/1969 Status: Offline
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posted on 11/3/2004 at 08:59 AM |
one other thought, if you are ok with the idea of girls your (joint) bed
but not ok with the one he wants to bring in, then its a matter of figuring
out WHY she gets under your wig. it might be that you are being over
sensative about something or it might be that you know it would be a bad
time with her because of who she is, or it might be that she just really
isnt your type.
jsut a few more reasons for you to say no until you know. ____________________ Real goths wear silver and crosses to keep the werewolves and vampires
away. |
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feralucce
Extreme Fanatic Posts: 1810 Registered: 31/12/1969 Status: Offline
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posted on 11/3/2004 at 09:08 AM |
*chuckles* This is mildly amusing to me... here people are asking for
advice on threesomes and I canna get ONE within 30 miles...LOL ____________________ The earth turns on a tilted axis - just doing the best it can.
Hohenheim of Light~Full Metal Alchemist |
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Devin
Administrator Posts: 317 Registered: 31/12/1969 Status: Online
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posted on 11/3/2004 at 10:47 AM |
It doesn't sound to me like you guys are ready for sex with someone else.
You guys need to do a lot more talking. A Lot.
Here's some other things to try. Try flirting with people together. Not
just a little bit - and not with the intention of taking them home. Just
flirt hard - and work on playing off each other, and conspiring. If you
guys can do this - then make your next goal to kiss someone together. Kiss
a boy and kiss a girl. Then talk about it lots.
Once you can do that, then start talking again about sex - but until you
can conspire well enough to kiss someone else, and talk about how it feels
afterwards, you're not ready to be talking about sex with other people.
____________________ So Sayeth Me |
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callei
Extreme Fanatic Posts: 759 Registered: 31/12/1969 Status: Offline
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posted on 11/3/2004 at 11:34 AM |
i am sooo glad that you mentioned that. i answered before i was even awake
because it was too heartfelt a plea to go unanswered for long.
i meant to even say, "i hope dev jumps in on this one since he has lots of
experience with women that are nervous about getting what they want", but i
guess i forgot to write it. ____________________ Real goths wear silver and crosses to keep the werewolves and
vampires
/>
away. |
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Kira
Member Posts: 149 Registered: 31/12/1969 Status: Offline
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posted on 11/3/2004 at 01:40 PM |
I would agree that it sounds like you two aren't quite ready yet for this
to be a reality. The fact that you're already fighting over it and nothing
has even happened yet is a red flag. I think there is mucho discussion to
be had still.
Your partner saying "you can have sex with a man" in NO WAY automatically
requires you to say back "it's ok for you to have sex with a woman" and
vice versa. Sometimes people make compromises thinking that then they can
get what they want out of it. I really can't say for sure this is how your
situation is, but it kind of sounds that way based on your post. (i.e.
"I"ll let her sleep with another man so long as I get to sleep with another
woman") If it is that kind of situation, I can say that the end will not
justify the means and chances are all people will get hurt.
I think you both need to determine why you want to bring other people in.
Be honest about it. Your reasons can be different, but for it to work
you're going to have to be aware of and understand the differences, and not
be hurt by them.
If you're both comfortable with playing with another man, then why not
start there once some of these issues have been hashed out? If you both
find men attractive, and can round up a good candidate then how you feel
about women seems irrelevent at the moment, as long as it is understood
that you are not yet comfortable with women. Or am I missing something?
Again, I hardly consider myself an expert on these matters but I do have
some experience. PM me if you want... ____________________ Wind me up and make me crawl to you, tie me up until I call to you. |
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pleonasm
Occasional Poster Posts: 11 Registered: 1/3/2004 Status: Offline
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posted on 11/3/2004 at 03:01 PM |
Wow!
I didn't expect such a welcoming and immensely understanding group!
I feel, since you all took the time to post well thought out
replies, respectively, I should do the same,
I didn't give you the entire picture with my last post. Anyway...
Alright, as simply put as possible...
I've known a girl named Alex for several years and over those years we've
gotten very flirty. I know she wants me, and I'd like her to be my first.
Squire refuses to let me experience my first time without him involved. He
feels it would be like cheating.
Alex wouldn't allow penetration. She's very gay. No men. And I
think that kinda ruins it for Squire.
So I think Squire wants to go hunting for a new girl. That's what makes me
uncomfortable. I just really wanted Alex to be my first, to
"teach" me, I suppose.
Kria what you said:
Your partner saying "you can have sex with a man" in NO WAY
automatically requires you to say back "it's ok for you to have sex with a
woman" and vice versa. Sometimes people make compromises thinking that then
they can get what they want out of it. I really can't say for sure this is
how your situation is, but it kind of sounds that way based on your post.
(i.e. "I"ll let her sleep with another man so long as I get to sleep with
another woman")
I'm glad you said that, because it felt like highshool again, "you're my
girlfriend, you're supposed to fuck me") that kind of
mentality.
What he doesn't understand (im assuming) is that it's only the first time
that I need privacy. To get a "feel" for things, so to speak. After that,
he can leap in and have the time of his life.
Squire, my love, if you're reading this feel free to chime in! ____________________
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pleonasm
Occasional Poster Posts: 11 Registered: 1/3/2004 Status: Offline
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posted on 11/3/2004 at 03:06 PM |
Oh, and Callei, Rouge thanks for offering to speak with me further, i
really appreciate/need it. Devin you're advice was great too. I often
wonder if all this threesome shit is just a pipedream. Squire said you
three would be the best.
thanks again.
____________________
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Devin
Administrator Posts: 317 Registered: 31/12/1969 Status: Online
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posted on 11/3/2004 at 03:13 PM |
It sounds like you guys need to be a little more clear on some things that
you might not be thinking about.
Do you want to have 'a threesome' - or do you want to have a poly
relationship?
If you want to have 'a threesome', you'd probably be better off finding
someone new that you could play with together and neither of you would see
them again.
If you want a poly relationship, you might be on the right track - it seems
like your next step would be finding a way for him to be comfortable with
letting you play with your girl. This might involve you helping him find
another girl to sleep with that you're not involved with. Are you ready
for that? It's probably not going to be nearly as scary as it sounds to
you right now - especially if you already have a girl you're interested
in.
You guys need to be talking about this stuff. You need to make it clear to
him that you need the privacy just the first time. If you guys can't learn
to talk about this stuff better, it WILL break you up. If you can, I think
you'll be fine no matter who you're getting slippery with.
You're welcome to message me too ____________________ So Sayeth Me |
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Shade
Fanatic Posts: 289 Registered: 31/12/1969 Status: Offline
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posted on 11/3/2004 at 03:28 PM |
Hi Pleo, just a few things to add to the heap, mostly questions. You can
answer these here, where it will help us give better answers, but most
importantly, you need to start by answering them for yourself, and then
getting Squire to answer them and then the two of you need to talk about
your answers. And as a bit of advice, both of you answer them on paper
first before you share your answers. because this is a new topic, and
because this is becoming such a mine field for the two of you, you need to
do as much to avoid answering to please the other person as possible.
Honesty is the only way these things work (both questionairres and a poly
relationship). OK, here's the first batch of questions, I say first because
I know Callei and Dev and probably Rogue or Meranda will have a few more to
add. Also, I'm going to try to make these as yes/no or single answer as
possible. Open ended questions are great for conversastion, but for the
moment let's start with thte basics. Oh, and there are no wrong answers.
1: Do you want to sleep around or do you want to sleep with a third person
as a couple?
2: Do you actually want to sleep with anyone besides your S/O?
3: Are you contemplating this because your S/O is asking it or because when
they mentioned it you thought "Hey this sounds like fun." or because you
thought of it first?
4: Are you actually factually interested in sleeping with a male?
5: Are you actually factually interested in sleeping with a female?
6: Can you be honest with yourself about you intentions?
7: Can you be honest with yourself about your reactions?
8: Do you think this will make your relationship better? (Note: i know I
said there are no wrong answers, but as has been said on this site before,
if you answer this one yes, AND you mean that you think being poly or
swinger will "fix" your relationship, you're fucked)
9: Are you considering sleeping with a male just so you can bag a
female?
10: Are you considering sleeping with a female just so you can bag a
male?
11: Are you considering a threesome just so that you can later suggest an
open relationship?
12: Are you considering an open relationship just so that you can later
suggest a threesome?
13: Have you thought about what you envision happening? (Yes or No)
14: If "Yes" have you actually visualized the sharing part? Did it make you
feel horny?
15: Is the thought of four hands on your body erotic?
16: is the thought of having your hands be two of four on another body
erotic?
17: are you ready to be thefirst person to fall asleep?
18: Are you doing this/considering doing this because you think it will
mean more sex?
19: Are you doing/considering this because you are not currently getting
enough sex? (BE HONEST)
20: Are you doing/considering this because you are not currently getting
enough emotional sex (love, hugs, cuddles, etc...BE HONEST)
I think I'll leave off there for the moment. I know I said no open-ended
questions, and I hope the ones I've listed are nice and clear and either
yes or no, or I've made the options clear. There are of course always other
answers including a perfectly valid "I don't know." If that is the case, I
leave you with one more question, are you ready to answer the questions? ____________________ It is only through the lack of sex that humanity derives the need for an
all encompassing blind love. And in that moment of extreme horniness with
no relief in sight, in that moment can be found the birth of religion.
-Me |
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callei
Extreme Fanatic Posts: 759 Registered: 31/12/1969 Status: Offline
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posted on 11/3/2004 at 03:28 PM |
even for a casual threesome, a practice partner before might be a good
idea. its embarassing to have not idea what to do or how to do it. and it
is easy to sorta get left out when that happens. (yes personal experience
here). that is where the practice flirting thing comes in (see the articles
about getting laid for more details).
____________________ Real goths wear silver and crosses to keep the werewolves and
vampires
/>
away. |
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Squire-of-Gothos
Fanatic Posts: 206 Registered: 1/1/2003 Status: Offline
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posted on 11/3/2004 at 04:33 PM |
I think a few matters should be cleared up, before we go any further. It
has been a fantasy of mine, as of many other men, to have sex with two
girls. It has always been a fantasy of mine, as with some men, to have sex
with a girl and a guy. Because of pleo's fantasy with multiple men, and a
woman, I figured that she would be comfortable indulging in my fantasy, as
I was with her. But this is where we differed initially, becuase she felt
hurt by the idea of me with her and another woman. But as she thought these
things over, and factored in her upcoming (hopefully) experimentation with
Alex, she became comfortable.
The thing of the matter is, and I guess I'm being selfish and overbearing
here, but she wants to be alone with this girl, a hardcore lesbian, while i
sit around in a living room somewhere, waiting. Now like I said, maybe I'm
being unreasonable, but as this isn't really a poly relationship, isn't her
being with someone else, and me not being there, or helping, or watching,
or jerking off, isn't that essentially cheating, and I aren't I just being
pushed aside? I thought this was a couple who wanted to add a person for
fun, but now, it's one of us doing there thing, and the other being hosed? ____________________ “The only thing that can alter the good writer is death.”
“You know that if I were reincarnated, I’d want to come back a buzzard.
Nothing hates him. He is never bothered or in danger, and he can eat
anything.”
Faulkner |
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callei
Extreme Fanatic Posts: 759 Registered: 31/12/1969 Status: Offline
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posted on 11/3/2004 at 04:42 PM |
i'll ask you the same thing i asked her. why would you just sit there, why
wouldnt you be out with someone that you wanted to bang? ____________________ Real goths wear silver and crosses to keep the werewolves and
vampires
/>
away. |
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Devin
Administrator Posts: 317 Registered: 31/12/1969 Status: Online
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posted on 11/3/2004 at 05:05 PM |
I agree. It seems you can say what would bother you about it. You
wouldn't want to just be sitting around while she's playing with the girl.
Nothing wrong with that. Go do someone else.
There's some comments in the "Spice in the vanilla rack" article on exactly
this topic.
Now that you've identified what you don't like about the idea, you can
either be grumpy about it, or you can think of what else you could be doing
while she's doing that. There's gotta be something else that would
distract you enough.
And no, it's not cheating unless you tell her not to do it and she does it
anyway. Muffin Munching is not cheating just cuz you're not there to
watch.
I still say neither of you is ready for this. You've both got a few issues
to work through before you're going to be able to do this without a lot of
damage and drama. If I were you, I'd stick with safer things like kissing
and flirting with other people for now and leave sex out of it. The only
good those fantasies are going to do for either of you right now is to
motivate you to figure out what those issues are, and fix them so you can
get on to getting sweaty and slippery.
____________________ So Sayeth Me |
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pleonasm
Occasional Poster Posts: 11 Registered: 1/3/2004 Status: Offline
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posted on 11/3/2004 at 05:13 PM |
Squire`"Well, I just don't think thats the kind of set up that we want to
have. I mean, if she was with Alex alone, it could possibly make me feel
secure to be with someone else, simultaneously, but as I said before, I
don't think that's the setup we're looking into. This is important to her,
because she's never been with a woman, and I've been with a man many times
before. If was in another room while they went at it, then I think it would
be even worse for her. I think she'd feel like I was just screwing someone
else to make it 'even'. The setup we want, is essentially not 'open' or
poly, as much as we want to bring partners into the bed, in a three way, or
so one of us watches the other. As long as both of us are involved. If
she's at a party of something with Alex and they make out, well, I don't
have a problem with that, because she needs to build a comfort zone with
the same sex. After that, I don't think we'll be having a lot of stuff
going on alone. I think we'll do that stuff together, i.e. We're at party,
she sees a pretty girl/guy, we flirt, they kiss, we kiss, and someone comes
home. I feel a little selfish, like I'm forcing myself to intrude on a
thing that her and Alex are having, and it shouldn't include me. But should
it? ____________________
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pleonasm
Occasional Poster Posts: 11 Registered: 1/3/2004 Status: Offline
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posted on 11/3/2004 at 05:31 PM |
Thankyou Devin
Alright, first to Devin. No, we don't want a poly relationship. Although,
Alex (the perspective addition) is a close friend. She's a little crazy,
sleeps around, does a lot of drugs. Just not the kind of person I'd
consider relationship material. You're definitely
correct in saying we need to talk more.
Shade. haha, wow, thanks man! This will probably help Squire and I get to
talking. I think our problem is that we just dont know what to say, or how
to say it. We're both new at this, confused, and dont know how to address
or confront things well.
Ok, here are our answers.
1. Squire - 3rd person as a couple / Pleo - same answer
2. S - No / P - No
3. S - Both wanted it even before we were together / P - Agrees
4. S - Yes / P - Yes
5. S - Yes / P - Yes
6. S - Yes / P - Yes
7. S - Yes / P - Yes
8. S - Yes / P - No
9. S - No / P - No
10. S - No / P- No
11. S - No / P - No
12. N/A (niether of us want a open relationship)
13. S - Yes / P - Yes
14. S - Yes / P - Yes
15. S - Yes / P - Yes
16. S - Yes / P - Yes
17. S - No / P - No
18. S - No / P - Yes
19. S - No / P - No
20. S - No / P - No
____________________
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Devin
Administrator Posts: 317 Registered: 31/12/1969 Status: Online
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posted on 11/3/2004 at 06:16 PM |
Ok, since you don't want a poly relationship that eliminates a lot of
things you'd need to work on. It sounds like the biggest obstacle to you
both getting what you want is still pleonasm's first time with a girl.
Squire, you're saying that you wouldn't mind watching them make out at a
party. Why don't you try that? Looking at the sex thing from where you
are now leaves all kinds of things to the imagination. It might not look
nearly so scary when you think about it after watching how they are
together just making out.
It's like anal sex. Most people when they first think about it will be
like "no way something that size is going in there - maybe a finger but not
something that big". If you just leave it at that, nothing ever happens.
But if you try a finger, pretty soon it's "ok, maybe 2 fingers". After
knowing how that feels, it's a lot easier to imagine something bigger.
Just because you guys aren't ready for this yet, doesn't mean it can't
happen. If you take things one step at a time, it'll make it a lot easier
though. The hard part is identifying the steps to take. I think watching
her make out with the lesbian would be a good first step on both sides.
And I don't know why nobody's posted this yet - I know everyone's thinking
it. 2 questions:
Are you guys cute?
Are you guys legal? ____________________ So Sayeth Me |
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pleonasm
Occasional Poster Posts: 11 Registered: 1/3/2004 Status: Offline
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posted on 11/3/2004 at 06:28 PM |
we think so!
and yes
____________________
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