Hey, No blaming that shit for nothing WWJD crap on the protestants! That
became popular and trendy with the neo-christian, born again movemnet, to
be found in places like Cavalry Chapel, or Church of the New Horizon. (Yes,
they are real places.)
Shudder. You know what Jesus would do? He'd bitch slap their little preppy,
campus stalking, hypocritical asses for being stupid!
____________________ Okay, dazzle me.
Schizo
Extreme Fanatic
Posts: 897 Registered: 31/12/1969 Status: Offline
posted on 15/1/2003 at 06:47 PM
I've found a direct co-relation between the amount of time a denomination
has been around and the tackiness of their sign contents. Older churches
like the Methodists or Presbyterians don't tend to demean themselves as
badly. The worst churches in my area tend to be "FourSquare" Churches.
They are especially fond of those annoying little notes signed "God". As
if God would ever write anything so overly simplistic. If anything, God
errs on the side of the complex and incomprehensible.
____________________ "You can tell by the scars on my arms and the cracks in my hips and the
dents in my car and the blisters on my lips that I'm not the carefullest of
girls." - Dresden Dolls, "Girl Anachronism"
callei
Extreme Fanatic
Posts: 759 Registered: 31/12/1969 Status: Offline
posted on 17/1/2003 at 09:21 AM
i thought he was the one that came up with a few simple lines etched into
some stone tablets that said thinks like thou shall not kill....
The incomprehensive stuff is what the humans added, i thought.
And darlin' get you and the spawn on the plane, go to Spain and give Arth a
chance. (insert standard matchmaker speach here). After all, you two
comprise 50% of the Christians that i can stand and i would love to see you
both happy and well laid. (sorry TMI there...)
Schizo
Extreme Fanatic
Posts: 897 Registered: 31/12/1969 Status: Offline
posted on 17/1/2003 at 05:03 PM
Arthegarn, are you blushing too?
I KNEW it! I KNEW someone SOMETIME would try to match us up! After all,
we are the religious nuts-o's of Shmeng!
But you see, I didn't produce the spawn by myself. She's got herself one
adoring daddy who, now that he's got his head screwed on, well, at least
somewhat straighter, is absolutely spoiling the two of us to death!
I'm talking about spending the first half of his day caring for Riley,
diapers, feedings, entertainment, dressing (you should see the mis-matched
outfits he comes up with!), the whole nine yards. On top of that, he
cleans the apartment (I hardly ever do any work around the house. I sit on
my lazy ass, and he only teases me about it a little!) He cooks me a hot
meal when I come home on lunch break, picks up his son from school and
drops him off with his mother, deals with the shit she gives him, then
comes to work for 8 hours to deal with machines that don't run right. And
he rarely complains.
I know you don't approve of him. I know I was a stupid idiot in almost
everything I did concerning him. I know he treated me like shit. And I
know that in 99.9% of cases like this, it NEVER works out in any sort of
healthy way. But for some strange reason, I got the reward that my
stupidity never deserved. I actually had my hard work and faith and pain
pay off. When I said that classically naive line "he has potential", it
actually was true. I know my actions don't deserve this conclusion. I
know I've got the sort of luck that is almost criminal.
But the fact remains that, for some godforsaken reason, it worked. And I'm
happy. I laugh. We both laugh. We laugh at our daughter's silly games,
at the hideous clothes in the store, at the lisping girl at Newbury's
asking for "Chrithtina Aquilera", at each other, at ourselves, at
everything! Even at the ex. We're a family.
Don't get me wrong. I adore Arthegarn. I would die to live in Spain. I
could see myself there. Sometimes I really wish I could go. But then I
see my boyfriend jump up, because he heard our daughter making noises in
her crib, and he carries her out to me, and she grins, and holds out her
arms, and I think, there's nothing in Europe that can compare to this.
I'm not saying it isn't still hard work. But it's good.
Aghhh! Got to run! My daughter pushed her walker over to the trashcan,
and is playing with an empty cereal box! No, Riley! *sigh* babies...
____________________ "You can tell by the scars on my arms and the cracks in my hips and the
dents in my car and the blisters on my lips that I'm not the carefullest
of
girls." - Dresden Dolls, "Girl Anachronism"
Comedian
Fanatic
Posts: 213 Registered: 31/12/1969 Status: Offline
posted on 17/1/2003 at 05:18 PM
I saw somebody mentioned the holy and revered name of Bruce "Jesus Christ"
Campbell, and I just had to say something.
I am not a homosexual. Nor have I ever been, nor will I ever be. But if
there was the slightest chance that my weak, frail womb could bear the
atomic weight of Bruce "Fucking Buddha" Campbell's super-uranium sperm, I
would be the mother of his children, the vacuumer of his carpets and the
shaver of his legs.
BRUCE CAMPBELL IS THE ONE TRUE GOD.
____________________ Make way for the bad guy!
Mutant_Duckie
Member
Posts: 68 Registered: 13/7/2002 Status: Offline
posted on 18/1/2003 at 02:38 PM
i saw a clever one once: "give satan an inch and he'll be your ruler"
you can interprit it more ways than religiously, though. at least i think
you can
____________________
~~ QUACK!
firefly7
Coward
Posts: 5 Registered: 31/12/1969 Status: Offline
posted on 19/1/2003 at 06:32 PM
Around where I live this guy randomly posts "Got Jesus?" signs. Mmm Jesus
and cookies! My favorite!
"If chins could kill: confessions of a B movie actor"
Buy it. It rules.
When I lived in Kent for a while, on my strip of road there were 5
churches. In a two mile stretch of road, then more if you went down the
other road to get up there....and lo, one day, on a quest for craziness
(which usually pays off if you just DRIVE) we found the essence of modern
religion:
Drive through prayer tent.
Yes, drive through prayer tent.
Yes, help me, I was so tempted...so very tempted.
____________________ Trapped in time. Surrounded by evil. Low on gas.
Schizo
Extreme Fanatic
Posts: 897 Registered: 31/12/1969 Status: Offline
posted on 20/1/2003 at 04:00 AM
I'd like to order a large miracle and a small exorcism to go, please.
Do you want a drink with that?
____________________ "You can tell by the scars on my arms and the cracks in my hips and
the
/>
dents in my car and the blisters on my lips that I'm not the carefullest
of
girls." - Dresden Dolls, "Girl Anachronism"
Arthegarn
Member
Posts: 79 Registered: 31/12/1969 Status: Offline
posted on 20/1/2003 at 07:07 AM
Who? Me? Blush? Naaaay
It was to be expected, sweetie. Actually I thought it would be Shade who
would start pulling our legs it by making RG and Sketch get involved. I
actually find it amazing it hasn't happened before. My sisters, specially
Zylgrin, have been teasing me on it all along. Pity you can't read between
the lines of the Anger & Love post, when she talked about "how much I
respected you" and asked you to "talk to me".
But let's be sincere, my darling. We have been caught in the act, there is
no use hiding it anymore. Actually what none of you know is we have been
getting to know each other (in the biblical sense, of course, coming from
us) for months. We chat and write to each other long, passionate emails so
sweet that the phone line drips with honey. I spend a lot of my
considerable revenue travelling to NH twice a month where we meet, hold
hands and play footsies every night while we debate which church should
marry us...
Now, getting serious don't misunderstand me either. I also adore Schizo,
actually it was her "Resident Christian Personal Rant" what made me enter
Shmeng the first time. I find her intelligent, brilliant, brave, strong and
caring. And beautiful, too. I believe what she did, what she does is
admirable. Plus we share the same odd values and view of our religion which
is REALLY hard to find. I don'k know many women like her so you bet I find
her damned attractive. Who wouldn't? But we are so similar I also think
exactly as she does. There is no ammount of ruins, art, history, culture
AND Arthegarn in Europe that can compare to her family.
But thanks for the try Callei. Another life, perhaps
Domkitten
Fanatic
Posts: 470 Registered: 23/9/2002 Status: Offline
posted on 20/1/2003 at 07:24 AM
Generally, I don't like men that much either, but Fucking Bruce "Not as big
as mine" Campbell, that is to much to contemplate. Comedian, I read your
post and I think I had an aneurism, or an orgasm, when it comes to Bruce,
I'm not sure I can tell.
____________________ It's like kegel exercises for your throat.~Monolycus
Domkitten
Fanatic
Posts: 470 Registered: 23/9/2002 Status: Offline
posted on 20/1/2003 at 07:25 AM
And speak of the devil,
Ted Rami just walked by for no apparent reason.
____________________ It's like kegel exercises for your throat.~Monolycus
speaking of which, I haven't' watched evil dead recently. No wait, I fell
asleep to army of darkness a few days ago *whew*
If any of you own evil dead on dvd, you MUST watch it with the bruce
campbell narrative through the movie....yes, bruce adding his own two cents
and explaining things throughout the whole, low budget, aklaseltzer and
condensed milk vomit movie.
You know you have a problem tho, when you watch all three movies, get
drunk, then play "hail to the king" with all the cheat codes (replenishable
life and unlimited gas! woo!) all night long.
Someone needs to start a bruce campbell church. Then we can post our own
ridiculous signs by the highway...."yo, she bitch, let's go". "fine? We
just cut up our girlfriend with a chainsaw. Does that sound "fine" to
you?"
I've actually been thinking of taking up door to door satansim in my free
time.
Me and michael. Little cute as a button red and black matching suit and
suitskirt, little brochures titled "We're watching you", asking people if
they've let glory of satan into their lives.....*sigh* maybe I'll wait for
retirement....people don't usually attack old ladies, no matter what
they're "selling".
Maybe I'll just go door to door with a big black book buying souls.
"as you can see we offer a variety of packages, which vary by price and
consequences, a package to fit any lifestyle....yeah, that one is a little
tricky, you kind of lose the ability to set off automatic doors and show up
on film, but it's a small price to pay, small price...just sign here...yes,
right there.......*taps fingers* excellent....."
____________________ Trapped in time. Surrounded by evil. Low on gas.
Squire-of-Gothos
Fanatic
Posts: 206 Registered: 1/1/2003 Status: Offline
posted on 21/1/2003 at 01:17 AM
That reminds of an interesting thing that happened back in high school. I
was acting like a whacky jackass (aka normal) and this guy came up and told
me I needed Jesus. Just out of the blue a classmate comes up and gives me
this church brocure. I declined saying I didn't need Jesus. He said that I
would go to hell for not acting like a moral chriatian, so I told him the
bible says not to judge or condemn. He said I needed Jesus, again. When I
told him maybe he needed satan he looked at me I just handed him his
mothers head and said "eat it! I already took the liver!" So I spent the
rest of the period explaining (he didn't get it) that he has no right to
say my religion is any worse or better than his. Of course I was stupid,
and I'm going to hell, etc etc etc. And then Ted Raimi came by and smacked
him with a shovel. At least thats how it happens in my head.
p.s. Comedian, you're going to have to get through me before you take bruce
campbell, I'm already saving for my operation, and then I'm taking him with
me to Samoa!
____________________ “The only thing that can alter the good writer is death.”
“You know that if I were reincarnated, I’d want to come back a buzzard.
Nothing hates him. He is never bothered or in danger, and he can eat
anything.”
Faulkner
Starlight
Extreme Fanatic
Posts: 618 Registered: 27/9/2002 Status: Offline
posted on 21/1/2003 at 02:05 AM
Do it Bettie!!! Do it!!! Please and be sure you start at the mormons cuz
they can just quit leaving their crap on my door when I'm out. *wicked
fucking grin*
____________________ "When choosing between two evils, I always like to try the one I've never
tried before." ~Mae West
Eh, I really just wanna do it so I can buy cute matching outfits, a big
black book, and sit in strange homes eating someone's tea and cookies and
making them late for work.
I figure hell what do I have to lose? Churches of any kind are tax
free.
I just need to develop a slick refined southern accent and my bargaining
skills and I'm on my way....I'd start in my own neighborhood, but everyone
around here has big dogs.
____________________ Trapped in time. Surrounded by evil. Low on gas.
grimlore
Occasional Poster
Posts: 32 Registered: 20/9/2002 Status: Offline
posted on 25/1/2003 at 08:31 PM
I used to go to church on a regular basis....I remember this one specific
time when the priest decided to summarize the gospel reading by comparing
it to "The Empire Strikes Back"..Luke's time with Yoda specifically(Now I
am a star wars fan so I'm not making fun)..but is that seriously the first
thing he thinks of when he needs to tell us about the evils of sin? or that
we need to remember a movie to avoid the fires of hell?
gothicmorman
Fanatic
Posts: 233 Registered: 11/7/2002 Status: Offline
posted on 25/1/2003 at 11:17 PM
"wise men still seek him"
is on the board of a church my bus passes on the way home, whats funny
about this one is that you would think that anyone even remotely related to
wise would figure out that if ther still seeking him then they obviously
havent found him and after2000 years of looking they probably wont so they
might as well stop and get a life...
and for bettie_x... theres a sign for a natural herbs nutrients type shop
thats sports the phrase "Breast plus enhand your B easts"... apparantly the
R fell off and nobody noticed, for over a year, and it was still there when
i moved away, just goes to show how caught up people can be in there own
tasks...
as far as church goes, i went willingly untill about 10 i went to sunday
school till 13 beucase when i left i would be forced to attend youth group,
ah, they got me to go once in the two years following, it was a terrible
experience, they also tried to recruit, mor like conscript me for nursery
work, kids are cute... for a bout four seconds... lucky for me churches are
big and summer is warm, and i moved before it got cold, im my opinion
church and religion is brainwash, im still trying to get out of religious
habits like waiting for grace at meals, and relating everything to gods
will. heaven and hell, god and satan, are still very real to my
imagination and wil always be, but just because i belive he exists does not
mean i like him....
I swear to you guys, I just found the perfect "accessory" for my door to
door satan headquarters.
It's at an outlet mall.
It's a chair and a desk.
The chair I swear is like 10 feet high on the back, all carved and spikey
and hell bent cathedral looking, and the desk is about 10 feet long and
heavy as a house and matches the chair. BLACK WOOD. It looks like it came
fresh out of satan's "human resources" department.
IT IS EVIL.
Besides, I would look SO good sitting behind it in my little suit with a
big black book in front of me. And a pair of silver thumbscrews.
I need to start my church. It'd SO be a tax writeoff.
I need that desk.
I swear I'm such a fucking GIRL sometimes...everything I do MUST have the
proper accessories....like a gigantic hellish desk. And thumbscrews.
____________________ Trapped in time. Surrounded by evil. Low on gas.
Seth
Occasional Poster
Posts: 13 Registered: 2/2/2003 Status: Offline
posted on 2/2/2003 at 02:03 AM
When I was living in Southern California, there was this one church whoes
slogan was a bad copy of Monopoly: "Get out of hell free, go to church"
They seemed to change thier signs every week. While waiting for a movie to
start, on the screen infront of me appeared a wall of fire. Upon closer
inspection, this wall of fire was yet another add for the church, something
like "Your children know about Santa, but do they know about Jesus?"
I say to each thier own. Frankely, I find it a bit hard to believe in a
book that was written by all men some 2000 years ago. Not to mention that
it has been translated over a hundred times... If there was an update,
maybe I'd listen a bit more.