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Schizo
Extreme Fanatic   Posts: 897 Registered: 31/12/1969 Status: Offline
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posted on 27/12/2002 at 07:48 PM |
page xii
You pull out your miniscule First Aid kit, wondering why you are even
trying, as millimeter long Band-Aids are not likely to be any help in
relieving the misery of a cartoon cow with a broken leg. However, upon
opening it, you realize that you had packed a shrinkage antidote, "just in
case." You take it, and immediately regain your normal height. Although
your First Aid kit hasn't, so it's a complete loss.
You decide that you've slept long enough in this hotel of horrors, so you
don your magic Birkenstocks and sneak out of the inn. (Can you go out of
an inn?) You decide to head towards the carniverous bog of currants, as
there really is no other purpose in this surreal world you've blundered
into. You really don't know the way, but the prairie dog chap who told you
about it kind of gestured in the same direction as the path you are
following, so you set off down the road. Eventually, you realize that a
little sneaking creature is following you. When you stop, it stops. When
you go, it goes. This is the first creature that has paid any attention to
you while wearing the magic Birkenstocks, so you are intrigued. But your
experiences of late have taught you to be very wary.
To ignore the creature and continue toward your destination, go to page
113
To try to confront the creature and find out its motive, go to page 46
To throw yourself on the ground, kicking and screaming like an overtired
child, because you just want to go HOME!!! go to page 178
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Domkitten
Fanatic   Posts: 470 Registered: 23/9/2002 Status: Offline
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posted on 27/12/2002 at 10:55 PM |
page 113
You walk past the little creature and continue on your way, deciding that
it would be better to get this whole Queen Gwynhilde destorying thing over
with than to try to get home. Obviously when stuck in such a ridiculous
oddity of a world completing your task is of the utmost importance.
So saying you continue to walk down the path in the general dirction
indicated by the prairie dog commander, when you suddenly hear a high
pitched and shrill laughter behind you. You turn and are confronted by the
most fearsome evil creature you have ever seen. Her hair is read and stands
up proudly off her head. Her bosom thrust proudly in front of her, packed
in a tight black spandex suit. Overall of this is a bright jacket in
horrific pattern than could only be concieved by the dreaded MagnumPeye
tribe. She focuses her evil glance upon you and asks the question that
would turn a more nominal story book character to stone "Al?". She shrieks
it again this time louder "Allllllllllll!!!!!"
To attack the creature with your snake whacking stick and hope for the best
turn to page 105
To run like the devil down the path turn to page 4
To say "No Peg" turn to page vxxiiiv ____________________
It's like kegel exercises for your throat.~Monolycus
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shadow_in_the_darkness
Occasional Poster   Posts: 15 Registered: 4/11/2002 Status: Offline
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posted on 28/12/2002 at 02:06 PM |
page 4
You run like the devil down the path. almost 2 minutes and 8 miles
later,you realize you now ARE the devil. With a sigh, an 'oh well..', and a
shrug, you continue to walk lifelessly, the fact that both Oprah and Peg
seem to have a sexual interest in you almost killing you. You now notice
you are in front of the bog of carnivorous currants, and decide it is time
to head in.
Suddenly, a high-pitched 'sqeeeeeek sqeekum squeek' comes from behind you.
Fearing that the red-haired bitch has caught up to you, you jump 20 ft.
into a tree.
Looking down from the tree, you see that it merely a squirrel.......with
red eyes...
'Master, me and the rest of your league of rabid squirrels wish to help you
get the currants'
You nod, somewhat confused, and:
-Decide 'What the hell........" and let them commit suicide by jumping into
the bog trying to reach the currants, go to page 6,666
-Decide that it is easier to put on the Birkenstocks and go in there
without the plants seeing you, go to page DCVIXVI
-Decide to eat your peyote, and worry about it in the morning, go to page
R7 ____________________
I have one big yellow furry monkey ball.....yellow furry monkey
ball.........yellow...*slaps self* oh forget it, its useless, they'll never
understand.....
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Domkitten
Fanatic Posts: 470 Registered: 23/9/2002 Status: Offline
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posted on 29/12/2002 at 08:00 AM |
page R7
You go to take you peyote and suddenly realize that you had taken your
peyote which really explains the whole two dimensional cow thing now that
you think about it. Suddenly you feel like Hunter S. Thompson on a bender
and you realize that you might in fact be Hunter S. T. or it could be the
whole peyote thing.
So thinking you jump out of the tree, which fortunately you aren't actually
in, and run from the squirrels who follow you. You suddenly see the evil
red haired bitch and jump out of the atmosphere long enough for the rabid
squirrels to have their way and land safely away from the whole mess.
Now, you think, maybe it is time to get back on with at least one of these
quests. Your still thinking that Queen Gwynhilde might be worth checking
out, so you once agian begin in the general direction you were reccomended
to follow by the lovely prairie dog chap, and you are once again on your
way.
Thinking that it might be easier to get through the peyote addeled
nightmare you don the One Pair unknowingly setting into motion a vicious
search by the Shoewraiths of the Dark Lord. You continue, each footfall
bringing them closer to your doom.
You find at the end of the path a large dark cave. Suddenly torn you must
decided what to do...
Enter the cave and search for the evil Queen turn to page 66
Enter the cave and search for the evil Queen turn to page 66
Enter the cave and search for the evil Queen turnt to page 66 ____________________
It's like kegel exercises for your throat.~Monolycus
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shadow_in_the_darkness
Occasional Poster Posts: 15 Registered: 4/11/2002 Status: Offline
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posted on 29/12/2002 at 10:46 PM |
Having no other choice, you walk into the cave....
Suddenly, the shoewraiths tap your shoudler. Turning around, you cant
believe your eyes at how fucking ugly they are. You:
-Get wasted with them, unknowing that it is NOT a peyote dream and this
ISN'T Scary Movie..... go to page 45,698
-Say "Look your balls are aflame" and run into the left cave while they
look down, go to page P9
-Say "Ahh your lord and master is behind you, turn around and bow before
him!!", and run into the right cave while they do so, go to page dcxxi ____________________
I have one big yellow furry monkey ball.....yellow furry monkey
ball.........yellow...*slaps self* oh forget it, its useless, they'll
never
understand.....
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Monolycus
Fanatic  Posts: 580 Registered: 31/12/1969 Status: Offline
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posted on 6/1/2003 at 12:30 AM |
Page 45,698: Are you trying to get yourself killed?
*flip flip flip*
Page dcxii: Attempting to buy yourself an opportunity to escape by the
time-honoured tactic of employing a clever ruse, you helpfully point out
that the Evil Overlord that you should have no knowledge of at this point
in the narrative is standing behind the Shoewraiths. You trust that they
will bow before the Dark Lord of Footwear as you turn to race down the
right tunnel of the cave. Sadly, you trip over the remains of a thoroughly
whacked snake and fall on your face, managing somehow to twist your ankle
in the process. You spin on to your back and stare in wide-eyed horror as
the Shoewraiths (who are ancient and have heard most of the good ruses at
this point) advance slowly towards you.
Suddenly, when it would seem that all hope for you is lost and that you
will be carried off to the Dark Lord of Footwear, a scurrying, screeching
sound echoes through the caves. The Shoewraiths turn in unison and are
immediately bowled over by the League of Rabid Squirrels. As the
Shoewraiths howl in irritation, the leader of the Rabid Squirrels grabs
your wrist and pulls you to your feet.
"Come, Master, come! We can not hold off the forces of footwear forever!
We are only able to subdue them for a conveniently long enough time that a
protaganist with a twisted ankle might make good their escape!" The
squirrel informs you. You follow the light of his red, glowing eyes deeper
into the cave as the unearthly howls of the frustrated Shoewraiths grow in
intensity. The squirrel pulls you into a narrow side passage of the cave
tunnel and, a moment later, you see the two angered Shoewraiths (now
unencumbered by rabid squirrels) fly past.
"You must take off the enchanted Birkenstocks, Master! The evil energy
calls to the Shoewraiths and they make you look really stupid." The
squirrel says to you as you continue to scurry through the narrow aperture.
You take the Birkenstocks off your feet and feel yourself growing more
interesting almost immediately. The squirrel leads you into a vast
underground atrium of tunnels. "I am sorry, Master, but here I must leave
you while I seek a wizard to tend to the wounds of my injured comrades.
Remember that the Birkenstocks are powerfully evil and must only be worn in
the direst of emergencies. I wish you luck in defeating Queen Gwynhilde and
restoring all the residents of this valley kingdom to their natural forms."
The squirrel slips through a crevice in the rocks before you can ask him
what the natural form of the Rabid Squirrel League was.
To try to follow the Rabid Squirrel despite the twisted ankle that you
forgot you had, turn to Appendix A.
To see a cartoon of a falling cow, turn the book on its side and flip the
pages rapidly with your thumb.
To follow the sound of the indistinct murmuring that you hear deeper within
the caves, turn to page 470.
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angelofdarkness
Occasional Poster  Posts: 19 Registered: 2/9/2002 Status: Offline
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posted on 15/2/2003 at 08:22 PM |
Appendix A
You leap to your feet, and immediately find yourself back on the ground,
noticing a distinct pain in your ankle. You wonder what this mysterious
feeling means, perhaps it is a bad omen. You decide to ignore it, and crawl
after the squirrel. You are soon approached by two large plaid rabbits.
They stand about 7 feet tall on their hind legs, and are odd shades of
yellow and purple. After a moment of silence, the one on the left speaks.
"We represent the Dark Lord of Footwear, and we have been led to believe
that you currently posses the enchanted Birkenstocks. We are here to
collect them" You wonder how they found out about the sandals, but decide
not to ask them. You leap to your feet, and once again, collapse. Something
is holding you back, these rabbits must have some sort of magical power.
Suddenly, you remember that you were trying to chase the squirrel, and
become very angry.
To attack the rabbits with your snake whacking stick, and continue chasing
the squirrel, turn to page 451,208
To give the big, scary rabbits your enchanted sandals, turn to page 19
To try to seduce the sexy plaid rabbits and steal their peyote, turn to
page xxvi
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Monolycus
Fanatic Posts: 580 Registered: 31/12/1969 Status: Offline
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posted on 16/2/2003 at 11:13 PM |
Page 451,208
You can feel what evil messengers of despair these plaid rabbits are, but
you know that you can not surrender the enchanted Birkenstocks to them.
You can not ever recall a time when a seven foot tall plaid rabbit had ever
done anything nice for you and swing at them with your snake-whacking stick
(which you are now beginning to notice bears a vague resemblance to a young
Raymond Burr). As the snake-whacking stick passes through them, the
lagamorphs laugh and disappear in a tartan puff of smoke. You know now
that the evil Lord of Footwear that nobody has told you anything about yet
will stop at nothing to take the enchanted Birkenstocks. You have lost
track of the Rabid Squirrel, have not heard anything from the Giant Prairie
Dogs for several entries, and wish now that you had an enemy as tangible as
a man-eating currant to grapple with rather than finding yourself lost in a
cave. Before you can give in to despair, you hear a low muttering sound
and decide to follow it to its source.
After a few minutes of limping, you find the source of the sound (although
it does not turn out to be the deus ex machina that you had been hoping
for). In front of a freshly painted mural of some kind of blobby animals
stand two fur-clad figures. Both of these figures have sloping brow ridges
and profuse body hair, and one of them is holding a paint brush and a can
of latex ochre. They are appear to be communicating with one another in a
primitive tongue and you strain to try to make out what can only be a
primitive religious ritual dedicated to the mysterious effigies they have
painted on the wall.
"Ce n'est pas un buffle. C'est une grenouille." the first being says.
"Quelle sottise! Quand avez-vous jamais vu une grenouille avec des
cornes?" responds the second being, while he gesticulates with the paint
brush as though it were a wand to summon the picture's ancestral spirit.
You realise that you are privileged to be watching a primitive fertility
ritual.
"Cela ne fait rien. Cette chose ne ressemble point de buffle!"
"Moi, je suis artiste! Je capture l'essence du buffle! Vous n'avez pas
d'âme!"
"Cochon!"
"Cro-magnon!"
"Vous êtes terminé!"
You decide to leave these primitive magicians to their work, since you will
not be able to work out their surprisingly sophisticated system of
communication. By following a trail of bat droppings and conveniently
placed electric signs, you eventually find your way to an exit. The mouth
of the exit overlooks the swamp of currants. You know that this is where
destiny and repeated efforts on the part of the writers would have you
enter.
To trudge into the swamp of man-eating currants, go to page 4.
To take a nap and reassess things in the morning, go to page
0938475091847.390099
To go back into the cave to try to find that darned rabid squirrel again,
go to page 59.
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Meranda_Jade
Fanatic  Posts: 511 Registered: 31/12/1969 Status: Offline
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posted on 19/2/2003 at 08:03 PM |
After gazing upon the bog for a few minutes, you realize that currants
don't grow in bogs, and the weird carnivorous plants in this particularly
mucky bog are surrounding a small hill upon which grows a patch of bright
red currants. The plants look like some weird bastard child of venus
flytraps and dandelions. You realize with a shudder that they are actually
dandy-LIONS... lion-headed plants. No wonder they're carnivorous. At that
moment those rabid squirrels show up again. A brilliant idea occurrs to
you, and with a truly evil grin, you ask the squirrels to hide in your
knapsack while you forage through the swamp. As they think you're their
Dark Lord, they willingly obey.
To distract the lions by feeding them rabid squirrels as you trudge through
them toward the currants, turn to page 138
to build a campfire and roast and eat the squirrels yourself, turn to page
603
to poke yourself in the eye in your chest with your snake whacking stick,
turn to page 187, 569
____________________
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angelofdarkness
Occasional Poster Posts: 19 Registered: 2/9/2002 Status: Offline
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posted on 21/2/2003 at 10:06 AM |
603
You're kind of hungry, and as tempted as you are to stab yourself in the
eye (come on, that would be kind of fun), you decide to build a nice fire
and eat some roasted squirrel. After gathering some wood, and popping a few
squirrels in, you remember that they were trying to HELP you. Oh well.
They'll help you plenty from the inside of your stomach. After eating some
delicious squirrel, you start to feel a bit funny. You notice that your
eyes have turned an odd shade of red (thanks to the one on your chest) and
your mouth feels a bit foamy. By eating the squirrels, you have become
magical (and a bit rabid). The crazy flowers shrink back slightly, but
stand their ground. You tease them for a little while, and they start to
get angy. You really would like to leave the bog now, escpecially since you
notice them whispering to each other. Are they plotting against you? You
start to pace nervously, realizing that you have to do something.
To attack the crazy flowers with your new squirrel magic, turn to page 3
1/2
To turn back, and try to find your way home, turn to page 96
To ask your snake whacking stick for advice, turn to page 3,901
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Schizo
Extreme Fanatic Posts: 897 Registered: 31/12/1969 Status: Offline
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posted on 22/2/2003 at 05:11 AM |
3,901
You realize that you have gotten yourself into a great big pickle. You
also realize that, stupid you! you have neglected to ask the advice of your
snake-whacking stick before making ANY of your decisions since the
beginning of this forum topic! How could you be such a fool?
After all, the stick has been silent and watching and listening for your
entire adventure, and it has not partaken of any peyote, or eaten any rabid
squirrels. You figure that it probably has the most level-headed advice of
anything you've encountered yet in your travels.
"Stick, oh stick" you say to your trusty companion, "what advice do you
hold for me in this perilous situation I seem to have got myself into?"
Suddenly, the stick jumps in your hand, and begins to twitch violently.
You can no longer hold onto it, and it leaps from your grasp and begins to
write in the dirt beside the bog. Unfortunately, your snake-whacking stick
only seems to be able to write in Egyptian hieroglyphics!
You look about you in desperation and despair, and lo and behold! What do
you see but an English/Hieroglyphic dictionary!
If you pick up the dictionary and decide to decipher your stick's cryptic
message, turn to page 666
If you decide that translation is too much trouble, and figure that using
the snake-whacking stick for dandylion whacking is a better idea, turn to
page 144,000
If you use the dictionary to find the heiroglyphic for "Carnivorous
dandylion plants are all a bunch of vomit-filled weenies", turn to page 73,
then make a left at page 38 and go straight until page 583, where you bear
right towards page 111. You'll know you're there when you see a red page 4
to your left, and a polka-dotted page 5 to your right. You'll want the
margins in the middle. You can't miss it. ____________________
"You can tell by the scars on my arms and the cracks in my hips and the
dents in my car and the blisters on my lips that I'm not the carefullest of
girls." - Dresden Dolls, "Girl Anachronism"
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Meranda_Jade
Fanatic Posts: 511 Registered: 31/12/1969 Status: Offline
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posted on 24/2/2003 at 12:09 PM |
You decide to go looking for "Carnivorous dandylion plants are a bunch of
vomit-filled weenies" in the hieroglyphic dictionary, but get hopelessly
lost between pages 583 and 111. Stopping at a cartoonish gas station drawn
crudely to the side of the page, you ask for directions. The only person
there is an equally crudely drawn oldtimer, wearing a buttoned-up flannel
shirt and a John Deere ball cap and faded, ripped jeans. He grins
toothlessly at you and says, "lost eh? Well, if you go down this page here,
and turn at the place where the Johnson's barn burnt down last year, you'll
get to the place where Caleb's dog got hit by that truck last month. Turn
there, and go straight past the old willow tree with the gnarled trunk...
not the one with the gnarled trunk that looks like Ol' Widow Pearson, but
the one that looks like Bud Travers looked just before he passed on... you
should come to a covered bridge with a hole in the middle of it, and past
that there's a page that should get you to the page you're lookin' fer."
You thank him and uneasily turn a few more pages before finally finding the
Hieroglyphic and realize that this was all a huge waste of time. You go
back to the page you were on before to choose another option, staying well
away from that creepy gas station attendant.
You see everything's just as you left it, the bog, the lion-plants, and the
weird message left by the snake whacking stick, and heave a huge sigh of
relief.
To decipher the stick's message, turn to page 666
To whack the lions with the stick, turn to page 144,000
To look and see if one of the plants has a thorn in its paw, turn to page
40
____________________
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Starlight
Extreme Fanatic  Posts: 618 Registered: 27/9/2002 Status: Offline
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posted on 25/2/2003 at 02:11 PM |
Page 40
Deciding to find out if the story you heard in childhood might work in this
scenario, you start checking the Dandy-Lions paws for thorns. Lo and behold
one of them actually does have a thorn in his paw, but he growls at you and
says it's his friend and you can't have it.
You decide that if you offer him empty promises of peyote dots for him and
his compadres that maybe he'll let you take out his thorn. He finally
relents and lets you pull out his thorn.
Suddenly you realize that you should have asked for safe passage to the
hill with the red currants on it, instead of just the thrill of giving them
peyote dots for the thorn.
As the Dandy-Lions become aware that you have no peyote dots, and you took
the one's thorn who was his friend, they advance on you to eat you.
To try to use your squirrel magick to make peyote dots, and try for another
trade turn to page 201. 684.86A.
To beat yourself into a coma with your snake whacking stick turn to page
86.
To find out how it feels to be devoured alive by a horde of carnivorous
Dandy-Lions turn to page 1-800-IAM-DUMB. ____________________
"When choosing between two evils, I always like to try the one I've never
tried before." ~Mae West
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angelofdarkness
Occasional Poster Posts: 19 Registered: 2/9/2002 Status: Offline
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posted on 25/2/2003 at 02:51 PM |
Page 86
You lift your snake whacking stick and bring it down swiftly on your head.
Sadly, you are a wimp, and you didn't hit yourself hard enough. You look
around quickly to see if anyone saw that, and, confident that no one did,
try again. You bring the stick down upon your head, and hear a loud
cracking noise before everything goes black. Perhaps this was not your best
decision.
You wake up in bed, with a condom wrapper stuck to your face and an awful
headache. You have no idea where you are, or who is laying next to you.
Feeling adventurous, you lift the covers, revealing that your worst fear
has become a reality. You are laying next to a carnivorous dandylion.
To try to run away, turn to page 389.7
To gouge your eyes out, while screaming obscenities, turn to page 733
To roll over and go back to sleep, turn to page 98
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Meranda_Jade
Fanatic Posts: 511 Registered: 31/12/1969 Status: Offline
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posted on 25/2/2003 at 07:14 PM |
You realize that there are worse things than being the lover of a
carnivorous Dandy-Lion, and besides, you've always liked furry porn. You
nestle down next to the lion and cuddle into his mane and fall back asleep,
happy that your adventures are finally over.
THE END
To turn back and try again, turn to page 86
____________________
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Dolorosa
Extreme Fanatic  Posts: 856 Registered: 31/12/1969 Status: Offline
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posted on 1/3/2003 at 03:03 PM |
| Now theres a book that makes me want to kill a fucking puppy...bravo! ____________________
In the valley of the Goats, the Goat Fucker is King
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