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Articles: C'est la Vie... |
Posted by
Schizo on Wednesday, January 03, 2007 - 12:04 AM PST
This is a very difficult article to write, and I am having a very tough time trying to start it... but I guess this is as good a beginning as any...
I wrote a little in the forums about how difficult this season was for me... and I am attempting now to put into words what I have been searching for a way to tell you, my friends, for over a month...
In fact, I think this has been trying to come out for over a year, which is one reason why I have been unable to write much of anything besides the odd forum comment for ages... Shmeng has always been a place that has wrenched the truth out of me... but I have been dealing with a truth that I did not want to face...
So, here I am... *takes a deep breath*... my husband and I are getting a divorce...
Yeah, yeah, I know - how many kajillions of people get divorces every year... hardly noteworthy anymore... but those of you who truly know me, and have known the story of my life with this man who has become my husband... you will know the incredible upheaval this decision creates in me, and in the whole way I approach things...
I don't know what really happened... things were going better... we had acheived some privacy... money was coming easier... we had the things we needed... but things weren't growing... weren't progressing... we were running the same old circles... I started to feel the need to reach out and grab hold of life - to experience things instead of sitting in the background... he, in his brokeness, wanted to hide within himself... I tried to hold myself back to him, but I was driving myself crazy - tried to encourage him to join me, but he couldn't... then I tried to walk my own path within the same home... but the distance between us just grew... and finally... I had to face it... and I ended it...
I have been living with friends for the past few weeks... the same ones that took me in when I was pregnant... they own their own home now, and fixed up a room for Riley and I... I have been doing well... OK, not exactly... I kind of had a physical breakdown, and have been very sick for the last week or two... but I'm not depressed... just resting and getting my mind together to face a new, more independent life...
I procrastinated the end of my marriage for a long time, mostly out of fear that this would destroy my husband... he was very emotionally unbalanced when I met him, and he learned to lean on me like a crutch - I was his entire life, and I feared what it would do to him if I took myself and our daughter away... I suspected that, perhaps, he would find something deep within himself that would pull him through... that in fact losing me would snap something and force him to face up to reality for the first time in a long time... but I was not certain, and I did not want to deal him a fatal blow... he is a good man, and tries very hard, and loves me in his own way, very deeply...
But in the end, there was no choice... simply a recognition of fact... and somehow I was handed the courage and strength to deal the blow, and walk away... toughest thing I have ever had to do, bar none...
But you know what? I needn't have worried... my husband... is amazing me... he has a long, long way to go, but within a week or two of our break-up, he was already taking the first steps towards facing hard reality, facing his demons, and fighting his way to health and strength... I am so proud of him...
We still love each other, very deeply, but we both realize that this is final... our paths for health and progress lie in different directions... I do not regret anything I have done with him... it was all necessary for me to learn certain things about myself, and about life... but now it is time for moving on... I guess that's just life...
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C'est la Vie... | Login/Create an account | 9 Comments |
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Re: C'est la Vie...
by Domkitten (saradevil@saradevil.net)
on Jan 03, 2007 - 02:55 AM
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Schiz, I wish I could say that I knew what you were going through right now and just sympathize completely. Unfortunately I can't. I can only say that if there were every anyone who could go through it and come out a better and even more amazing person, you would be it.
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Re: C'est la Vie... by nicole (-) on Jan 05, 2007 - 11:06 PM (User info | Send a Message) | Hi There,
I have never been married..I have had 5 engagements...2 live in boyfriends in the course of 8 years, I feel your pain. Time is the only medicine.
SHAKE HIM OFF.
Start Living! Do things you have always wanted to do and he did not. Stay focused on YOU! Your wants, embrace your sensual beauty and for crying out loud GO Have FUN!
I am never getting married....ok maybe when I m 62 I am 32 now.
I promise you a year from now and 20 lovers later you will be so emotionally healthy and strong that you will laugh at this post...save it and read it a year from now and If I am still around if you are not telling me I am right I owe you 1K.
Go some where exotic and just let yourself go..
Best of Luck,
N |
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Re: C'est la Vie... by Schizo (Aranea@Spidersdance.com) on Jan 06, 2007 - 04:48 AM (User info | Send a Message) http:// | I don't shake things off... it is not my nature... I gather them and treasure them...
My ex-husband is a part of my life... my friend and the father of my daughter... I do not regret ANYTHING - why would I regret a chance to learn and grow?
I do intend to move on and experience many new and exciting things - life is an adventure and there is much out there for me to explore now that the door has been opened...
But I will not be laughing at this post a year from now - I don't know about the 20 lovers *grins* (that ends up 1.5 new men a month - there aren't that many yummy men in this hick town) - but where I am is valid and true and right, just like where I was a year ago was valid and true and right - I have no doubt I will be at a different place a year from now than I am now, but that is life and I embrace it all...
But then... I have good memories of my time in a homeless shelter - I guess that's just the way I look at life - not only the fun and exciting memories are valuable - not only the healthy or pleasant people... I treasure EVERYTHING... pain and pleasure... |
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Re: C'est la Vie...
by Starlight on Jan 04, 2007 - 01:34 AM
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Best of luck to you, Schizo. At least you've got a little advantage that many in your situation don't have, and that is that you and your ex care about each other.
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Re: C'est la Vie... by Schizo (Aranea@Spidersdance.com) on Jan 06, 2007 - 04:49 AM (User info | Send a Message) http:// | the support of all my friends has always been apparent and valued... thank you, Feral... *hugs* |
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Re: C'est la Vie...
by Arthegarn on Mar 26, 2007 - 06:09 AM
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Damn, Schiz!
O.K. I know I don't pop my head up around here as much as I used to, but this is no way of hearing of your divorce! Damn!
Then again I suppose I am the first one who should be quiet because I got married (March 18th 2005 and yeah, to Fridaluna, the girl from, Texas) and hardly said anything around here (not even posted a photo)... And then I got divorced (April 19th 2006) and didn't say anything about it either. But next time you get married (or divorced) do drop me a line, will you? I promise to do the same thing.
LOTS OF LOVE, Schizo. Lots of love and moral support and good vibrations and anything you might need. If there is anyhting I can do to lend a hand just let me know, I might not be very visible lately but I feel as close to you as when Callei tried to fix the two of us up. Plus I think can understand you. When I have some time... Nay, forget that. I WILL find the time to write you a long email with my own experience and reflections. I know you are not a believer anymore (you weren't last time I checked) but I guess some things will be hardwired enough as for my way of dealing with it to be of some help. If anything, misery loves company.
I see myself in some of the things you say. I didn't end it, of course (I actually fought for it longer and harder than I fought for anything in my life, but in the end Fridaluna decided that it was not going according to her design and, in typical Unitedstatesian way, decided our marriage was not just not worth the effort it would take to fix it and decided to "throw it away and buy a new one") but I could see it coming. And I could do nothing more than I was doing, and even though I knew I was just prolonging an agony I could not bring myself to break my marriage.
But, do you want to know something I never would have gessed I'd say? In the end, divorce is most likely the best thing that ever happened to me. And while, as you, I don't laugh at my LJ's entries regarding that time, I am as confident and as strong as ever, and much, much more happy than I have been in the last 20 years or so.
Hold on there, Schiz! Hugs!
Arthegarn
PS: I tried to write you a few lines so that you would have my office's email address but I got it rejected. Can you drop me something at my old hotmail account? More hugs. A.
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Re: C'est la Vie... by Schizo (Aranea@Spidersdance.com) on Mar 26, 2007 - 08:48 AM (User info | Send a Message) http:// | *hugs Arthegarn and cries a little*
boy, I missed you SO MUCH... you just disappeared on me... if you weren't such a dear friend, I would be so pissed off! As it is, I think you warrant a good spanking...
I'll drop you a line... we have so much to talk about...
I was just thinking about you this weekend... wondering what was happening with you... |
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