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Mistress Manners: Attention Whores

Posted by callei on Sunday, April 18, 2004 - 08:41 PM PST

As many of you know, there are lots of attention whores on the planet. They come in all flavors from the asshole to the zeitgeist (look it up). Generally seen as antagonistic, apologetic, and asinine, they are boring, banal, and bothersome at the best of times. At the worst of times, they are capricious, constipated, and corny. Or is that dull, disastrous, and deranged. Anyhow, here are some of the types that we see here the most.
The perennial newbie: always shirks blame because they are still "new" and wants to be praised constantly for managing to not break a rule, managing to comment on something, or read their email. These are probably my least favorite since they try to raise ignorance to a virtue. These find their forums deleted and their comments gone if they try it too often.

The “me too-er”: comments a lot, but the comments just say me too. Doesn’t matter if they contradict themselves (often the best way to spot them and differentiate them from other kinds that use this same method) or even know what the comment was about. They cry when you call them on it. I always imagine them with huge lips and small stubby wings. It makes it more fun.

The “holier than thou”: pretends that they know what you meant, no matter what you said and that it was some sort of attack on all they hold dear. Tries to expand an argument to include everything under the sun no matter how unrelated or bizarre. They can be pompous or sarcastic, but are always hard to read. Skip every third word for added fun in reading.

The blathermouth: runs on and on in posts. Often unrelated to the article or forum and full of way too much TMI. Takes everything, tries to make it personal and about their pain. Then wants to tell us all about that pain, post after post. Try using a celebrity’s name in place of “I” in their posts.

The diarist: tells everyone what kind of day they are having, everyday. It’s always bad. Different from the blathermouth because they start new forums to tell you about it and write articles about it, instead of hijacking someone else’s forum. This makes them easy to skip over.

The wanna-troll: often off topic and off their rocker. Thinks that posting Steven Wright comments makes them look smart. They want to start fights so they can get negative attention, feel like they are in control, and be important. This sort of attention whore is bothersome, but if ignored, they go away really fast.

The sex abuser: hits on everyone, no matter who they are just to have done it as a way to ignore the article or forum and focus attention on themselves. Doest flirt well and would never actually have sex. I really dislike this kind since it reinforces the idea that sex is a weapon and I don’t like to be assaulted with other people’s sexual problems. Their comments are more fun if you pretend they are saying it to dragon. And not Pixie’s dragon.

The screamer: is constantly mad about everything and wants to tell everyone about it, but can’t since they lack communication skills, interpersonal skills, and a point. Their comments are full of froth and vim, but tend to lack any sort of cohesion or focus. I imagine them with funny hats sitting at a table in a cheap pizza parlor. I don’t know why, but it makes me laugh.

The will o` wisp: flits to and away from the site and tells you about their return every time, so that people will KNOW how they fun their real life is. They are like the perennial newbie in that they ignore the rules and are pointless, but differ in their logic. They don’t know the rules because they aren’t here enough to have read them, but they want to be treated like they are the co-founder of the site.

The gother than thou: wants to project their angst onto the world and make it all as black as their poor, little hearts. They have all the interest of the holier than thou with the forum-jacking skills of the sex abuser. And they are trendy. Try adding “because god told me so” to the ends of their posts. It makes them stranger.

The poet: wants to make other's eyes bleed. Wants to be loved for their most unlovable traits, wants to be accepted as an artist, despite being bad even at finger painting. We deal with these by restricting poetry to the shooting gallery and making fun of anyone with poetry in their sig line. Oddly, they don’t read anything from other poets.

The attention bandit: wants to be the center of attention, but only if they can steal if from someone else. They post long things about how they are cooler than the person that started the forum, try to rewrite the rules, or claim personal attack to get sympathy. Ignoring them does make them stop, at least for periods of time.

The kiss-up: follows the pantheon around telling them they are great and trying to get special info or favors from them. Tends to only post on their favorite member's stuff and then to just say me too or attack anyone that disagrees with their personal Jesus. Shunning is about the only thing that works.

The prophet: likes to prognosticate the outcome of all articles, conversations, and inter-relations. It’s always bad. Like the gother than thou, they want the world to be a “bad” place where “good” things happen, abet rarely, and that everyone is driven by hate. Except themselves, they are above all the weak human behavior. In elementary school, these were the kids that played next to the yard duty.

The quiz whore: posts quizzes so people will read their score and think they are cool. Probably the least bothersome of the attention whores, they are nonetheless a pain. The underlying ideology of “self-acceptance through outside judgment” (I am cool because other people think I am cool, and I will be cool and long as I can find other people that say I am cool) keeps them from accepting themselves or anyone else. Self-esteem is not a democracy.

The nitpicker: rips comments apart on the basis of bad grammar, exaggeration, or hyperbole. Doesn’t contribute much beyond personal attacks because they fear someone else will do the same to them. So of course, the prophecy becomes self-fulfilling because people start to hate their wheedling, whining, abusive comments.

The lush: posts when drunk then claims that they aren’t responsible for their comments the next day. And no, I am not talking about the people that have had a few and post, just the ones that use that drinking to excuse random posts telling everyone how drunk they are. Is only distinguished from the perennial newbie and the will o’ wisp by the excuse of “but I was drunk”.

Now, lets all be honest and admit that sometime we all attention whore. There is no shame in it. Everyone wants a hug now and then and some praise. Everyone has a bad day, a bad mood, or a bad boss from time to time. What I am talking about here are the people that are always having a bad day, mood, boss, past-life, dinner, dream, love life, shoes, hair, grade, plumbing, sibling, news, job, career, movie, or anything else; the people who never see the bright side, laugh at themselves, or fix it for themselves.

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Attention Whores | Login/Create an account | 39 Comments

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Re: Attention Whores
by Devin (devin-at-vibechild-dot-com) on Apr 18, 2004 - 10:17 PM
(User info | Send a Message) http://devin.vibechild.com/

I love it when you wake up inspired and brilliant. Must be one of those days. You so rock

Re: Attention Whores
by callei on Apr 19, 2004 - 08:38 AM
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you know i do it just to make you laugh so hard you get lost in your own hair.