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Articles: A secret of my own accord.
Posted by Phalkon13 on Thursday, March 07, 2002 - 04:06 AM PST

Beauty
Well, I realized that have only posted Rants on here, and being that my life is not comprimised of completely bad things, I figured I would share something GOOD with you guys! If you don't want to hear about the following topics, then stop reading now: Love, Admiration, Secret Admirer, Valentines Day, Old Flame, Beauty, Poetry, and of course - E-mail. My valentines days usually suck, so this year, I decided to hole myself up, and spend some quality time online, doing homework, and venting about how much V-Day sucks. Well, when I was at work, I thought of something that blew my mind.

I had been having these dreams involving someone from my past. I had always had feelings for this certain lady, but as life always works out badly, I knew I didn't have a chance. Well, I thought I didn't. As the years went by, I'd grown affectionate of her, caring about her in a way I'd dare not name, not until right before Valentines Day, about three weeks ago. I was talking to this person online, pleading with her not to go back to her ex, because he is an ucky person, and she told me she did have her eye on someone else. When I asked her who, her answer led me to believe that it could be me. Well, I'm always fluxuating form Optomism to Pessimism, and the latter had reared it's head, so I just didn't believe it could be me.

That's when the dreams started. Since then, about 15 minutes before I wake up every day, I dream I am laying in my bed.... with her.... naked.... holding her, caressing her hair, telling her something that I cannot hear, and she says the same thing back ("I love you" I think?) and she pulls me tighter, her head laying on my chest. For that moment I feel complete and utter bliss.... and then I wake up squeezing my pillow.... Each morning since has been the happiest and most miserable morning of my life, all in once. I believe the correct term is "Bittersweet".

Well, On Valentines Day, I decided to write her poetry, as I am a poet (wink). I sent it to her, under a random e-mail account unlinkable to me, and signed it "Your Admirer". I did it for One majro reason: Her life has been so shitty because of her ex making her miserable when she was with him AND when she wasn't. She was miserable all the time, and I wanted to do somthing to show her that A. She is a very beautiful person, and B. There are people out there that love her, and care abotu her, and she needn't waste her time on him.

Well, I got an e-mail back, saying that if it was heartfelt that I had broken her dissonance, and that it did make her happy. When I saw her later, I found out from my friend that she was almost ecstatic about having a secret admirer, and she didn't know it was me. Well, since the first one worked so good, I wanted to keep her happy, (that's all that matters to me), and since I have written various other poetry about her/for her/to her, I decided to send 2 more in the next two weeks.

Well, I guess the last e-mail hinted too much about me, because just this morning, I got a second e-mail from her, asking if it was me. My name specifically. First feeling was "Oh shit! I'm fucked!!!", because I could already see her knowing it was me, feeling really wierd, and just not being my friend any more. Which is NOT what I want.

It means so much to me to have her in my life, even if just as a friend. So I sent something back saying that I won't answer Yes, because I would likely forfeit any hope of her in my life again, and lose someone so special to me, but I won't answer NO because I would be lying to her, and myself. I also sent this link:
http://uwakimono.keenspace.com/mllty1.html
because it pretty much hits right in my heart. And now, I sit, waiting for life to bring what dreams may come.... and what perils may be.....

Thank you for listening to my babbling.

Phalkon13


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A secret of my own accord. | Login/Create an account | 16 Comments
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When you find your falling...dive.
by Dolorosa on Mar 07, 2002 - 09:16 AM
(User info | Send a Message)
Yeah!! Kick ass, what a cool thing to happen!! Whatever you do...don't ever deny it, and you might as well go for broke. If you go for th girl's heart and get it...well hell, a dream comes true and there you are, if you go for it and fail...well, failure sucks...but if you don't go for it, instead fishing around in ambiguity...you'll never freaking know. Go for it man...you've already stepped off the cliff, you might as well swan dive on the way down ya?
And don' leave us hanging as to what happens next...Best of luck.


Re: A secret of my own accord.
by pAris (dparis@columbus.rr.com)
on Mar 07, 2002 - 12:54 PM
(User info | Send a Message) http://artists.mp3s.com/artists/279/unbalanced_load.html
I agree. If you chicken out now, she might be creeped out and think you're just a stalker or something. I think the fact that she mentioned it to you, and the fact that you obviously brightened her day/week/year/? will work in your favor. The worst that can happen is she can say she does not feel the same way about you.

Although I guess the worst thing that could happen would be for her to act like she likes you, then slowly torture you by forcing you to watch boy band videos until you vomit. But that's pretty unlikely....

It's nice to see romance bloom. Good luck and definitrly keep us informed (if we have not heard from you for days, we will assume things are going too well for you to write in. If it's longer, we'll come rescue you from 98 Back'syncTown).


Re: A secret of my own accord.
by bettie_x (strangersangel@hotmail.com)
on Mar 07, 2002 - 12:57 PM
(User info | Send a Message) http://bettie_x.tripod.com/strangeasangels/
You need to tell her. Like D said, you've already made the leap, so make it as graceful as possible, and she may just put a trampoline at ground zero.
I mean hell, which is worse, watching her bounce from bad relationship to bad relationship and be her "friend"...her agonized, heartsick, moroseful "Friend" (which is death to any man once a woman uses that word)...or lay it flat that you love her, and if she doesn't reciprocate it, well you did what you could.
I don't want to be cheezy, but it fits...better to have loved and lost than not at all. Get it?
And if she was excited about the lovely emails, then she may be even more excited that it's not the dreaded unknown or internet psycho (Like i've had, and that's scary as hell) it's someone tangible and real and a familiar face..one she's never thought about before, being clouded by negativity and jerks.
Go for it bro...what've you got to lose anyway?


Re: A secret of my own accord.
by Xaoswolf (Xaoswolf@hotmail.com)
on Mar 07, 2002 - 01:53 PM
(User info | Send a Message) http://Xaoswolf.tripod.com
I have made the mistake of not going for it in the past, and it is probably the only thing I regret in my life. Tell her you love her and start with the procreation.


Re: A secret of my own accord.
by chameleon on Mar 07, 2002 - 02:54 PM
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Damn. I have almost the same situation. Maybe I should do that. Only difference, the girl has a fine relationship with her ex-boyfriend. Now if only I had more courage.


Re: A secret of my own accord.
by gdlke (-)
on Mar 08, 2002 - 04:39 AM
(User info | Send a Message) http://gdlke.tripod.com
See Phalkon, everyone agrees with me. Maybe now you will listen to the divine advice I give. I told you what I thought you should do weeks ago and now everyone else backs up what I said.

With Bob's blessing...

Gdlke


Re: A secret of my own accord.
by pAris (dparis@columbus.rr.com)
on Mar 09, 2002 - 03:40 PM
(User info | Send a Message) http://artists.mp3s.com/artists/279/unbalanced_load.html
"It's better to regret something you did then something you did not do"

Although I suppose that could have some exceptions....


My secret to be revealed...
by Phalkon13 (phalkon13@godisdead.com)
on Mar 13, 2002 - 08:19 PM
(User info | Send a Message) http://www.geocities.com/phalkon13
Well, from personal, friendly, and semi-professional advise, AND from horiscopes, star charts, and my lucky-astrology mood watch (TM), I am going to spill my proverbial guts to her. I'm not just going to tell her about the poetry, or that I have feelings for her. I'm going to tell her everything. I just hope she'll not think I'm a psycho or anything.

Oh well, wish me luck!

Phalkon ;)



Re: My secret to be revealed...
by Shade (Shade@Gothcult.com) on Mar 13, 2002 - 10:35 PM
(User info | Send a Message) http://www.hotelshade.com
Kudos and congratulations! I hope it all goes at it really appears that it will. Good luck!


[ No anonymous comments ]


AHHHHH!!!!!!
by Phalkon13 (phalkon13@godisdead.com) on Mar 16, 2002 - 01:12 PM
(User info | Send a Message) http://www.geocities.com/phalkon13
So I go to the club last night, to see her/tell her what I feel for her/the whole story. I am scared as heck to tell her, so I take my time, trying to build courage, but feeling more and more nervous by the minute. I finally get to the club, and go hide. I talk to people for a little while, then go set off to find her. I get out to the dance floor, look around.... she's not there. I ask about three people if they've seen her at all there: no. Turns out she went to a party last night, the ONLY time she doesn't go to the club (since she ALWAYS goes to the club). So, that leaves the party tonight. I called her up earlier, inviting her to the party (becuase the host couldn't call, he's busy setting up). She said she might go, depending on a ride (I can't drive her because I have a couple things I have to do, including pick up someone from downtown Chicago for the party, and I'm staying the night at the party, she's not). So, I will keep you guys informed on what happens tonight. If things go bad, I always have my twins: My bottle of Rumplemintz and my bottle of Black Haus. ;)


[ No anonymous comments ]


And so it goes again!!!
by Phalkon13 (phalkon13@godisdead.com) on Mar 17, 2002 - 10:27 PM
(User info | Send a Message) http://www.geocities.com/phalkon13
Bad luck struck again, as she didn't go to the party. I'm just going to wait until we cross paths again, but until then, I think I am just gonna go into hiding. The party last night, and various other things have shown me that I really need some down time, and need to just sort through my feelings, thoughts, and ideas. ;)


[ No anonymous comments ]


Re: And so it goes again!!!
by callei (plyn@plynlymon.com) on Mar 17, 2002 - 11:33 PM
(User info | Send a Message) http://www.plynlymon.com
okay, who did you sleep with at the party? hehe
maybe its jsut the winter crazies making you feel out of sorts?


[ No anonymous comments ]


hmmmm......
by Phalkon13 (phalkon13@godisdead.com) on Mar 20, 2002 - 07:22 PM
(User info | Send a Message) http://www.geocities.com/phalkon13
I slept with the kitchen floor, and a metal bowl (I had a really bad hangover, and a lot of time to think as I was sick on the floor for at least 8 hours)
It might be the winter crazies, but then I could just blame the fact that I did anything instead of hide in the back like before on the same thing. BUT, I went for a walk in the rain last night, as I love to do, and something funny happened. As I was walking through the neighborhood (new to me, since I just moved a couple of month ago), I saw everything in a different light. It might have just been the Bauhaus playing on my CD-Discman, or the brisk air, but every tree, every raindrop, every puddle suddenly seemed new to me. Vibrant. Alive. It was as if I became something different, new. It filled me with something I haven't felt in a long time: Fear. Fear and exilaration. I found a little clearing, kind of a foresty type place, with weeping willows all over, and I felt a rush of fear, love, anxiety, and belonging all at once. I think I fell in love with that place, because it looked so beautiful in the night air, looming, sad, and yet alive, and waiting, almost chanting to me. Well, it made me look at this in a whole new light. I'm not going to hide anymore, not going to stifle anything unless I need to. I think I realized that I need to be more alive again; That I need to live life as much as I can. So the next time I see her, I am going to pull her aside, and have a long talk with her. Not because I need or think I have a chance.... but because I want her to know that this was all for her. ;)


[ No anonymous comments ]

Finally....
by Phalkon13 (phalkon13@godisdead.com)
on Mar 23, 2002 - 08:42 PM
(User info | Send a Message) http://www.geocities.com/phalkon13
Well,the moment youall(ok, noone except Bob) have been waiting for.... The end-up so far. I finally talked to her. I told her everything I wanted, and (thankfully) didn't say any of the little stuff that I shouldn't have. well, she doesn't hate me, which is good. We talked about it, and I told her I know she didn't like me like that, and she said that she doesn't want to date right now. But, what I was shooting for, which was to make her happy. She loved the poetry, and loved the fact that I meant every word meant a lot to her. (I think....) Well anyway, Time to go to Exit(club in Chicago). ;)



Re: Finally....
by Shade (Shade@Gothcult.com) on Mar 24, 2002 - 01:47 AM
(User info | Send a Message) http://www.hotelshade.com
Yeay! Good job. I'm sorry she didn't swoon into your arms and beg her to take you away from it all, but I'm glad you finally got to tell her. That is so cool.


[ No anonymous comments ]


Re: Finally....
by Phalkon13 (phalkon13@godisdead.com) on Mar 24, 2002 - 12:10 PM
(User info | Send a Message) http://www.geocities.com/phalkon13
yeah well, if I could have everything I wanted to go my way happen, my life would rock! But, such is life. Coincidentally, I had the poetry I wrote her up on my web page, on a hidden page just to see if she might stumble across it. But, since it doesn't need to be hidden any more, I am going to make a special page just for my poetry for/about her, and keep adding to it periodically. ;)


[ No anonymous comments ]

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