- Cynical Indulgence - (Shmeng is not a Gothic site)Mar 28, 2024 - 04:36 AM  
Welcome to  Shmeng
 Home | Articles | Galleries | Forums | Site Info | Web Links | Reviews | Register 
Articles Section

Eye Candy

Who's Online
Currently no members online:)

You are an anonymous user. You can register for free by clicking here
We have 27 guests online !

   User ID:  Pass:        Forgot Password? click here or  Join here
Articles: Dolorosa's Guide to Self Defense
Posted by Dolorosa on Monday, August 21, 2006 - 04:09 PM PST

Oogie Boogies
Vampires: Sunlight is the best known weakness of Vampires, but if you encounter a Vampire it will be highly unlikely that the sun will be anywhere around to help you out. In case of a Vampire encounter establish if you a) wish to destroy this creature or b) wish to make with the sex. In the case of a) produce an awesome backflip round house kick to the Vampire's general head area, follow this up with a twisting snake palm to it's nose. This will sufficiently stun the beast long enough for you to either decapitate it with any nearby sharp object or impale it's heart with a number two pencil. IMPORTANT NOTE: You must have an awesome one-liner to deliver or your above manuevers will be wasted, my research has shown that Vampires will NOT burst into flame unless something awesome is said immediatly after the decapitation/impalement. I suggest something along the lines of "Ashes to Ashes baby," or "Claire Huxtable can crush a mans head with her mighty mighty thighs." After these utterances the Vampire will disintegrate in a flashy slow motion manner. If you chose b) engage in standard seduction protocols, but remember use protection. Condoms might work, but I prefer a Glock.

Gang Members: These miscreants frequently carry dangerous weapons and so must be dealt with quickly and with an eye towards demoralizing their fellows, as they rarely travel alone. When they do travel alone they are not classified properly as gang members as "gang" implies a group. A solo "Gang Member" is in fact a thug and dealt with differently. When accosted by Gang Members swift action is the key, target the largest and most threatening member and deliver what appears to be a sharp punch with your right hand to an area just above and away from their left eye, this is a feint, do not carry through with this attack. When the Gang Member moves to defend this attack insert your left hand through the opening in his defense and attach your fingers to his throat, do not punch. When you have succeeded in grabbing his throat, tighten your grip and make a snapping motion. This will cause his head to explode. Seeing their chief combatant taken down in such a fashion will shake the morale and spirit of the other Gang Members causing them to flee. Strut around accordingly.

Bears: Strike the bear once on the nose with a tightly rolled up newspaper, in your most authoritative voice say "No!" once.

Penguins: Being highly aggressive and far ranging, it is likely you will have to deal with a penguin at least once, when faced with these creatures remember that they are highly tuned killing machines, the evolutionary answer of nature to our own tactical nuclear bombs. Flee from the penguin in a serpentine movement, this prevents the animal from achieving a lock-on and line of sight that will allow it to reach terminal velocity on it's initial attack. Run in this fashion to a ledge or a slight incline, a skateboard ramp would be ideal but due to their nature even a wheelchair ramp up onto a sidewalk will work sufficiently. Thirty meters before you reach the incline, shift your running position to that of a straight line. The penguin will lay on it's belly and begins it's famous "Tuxedo Comet" manuever. You will feel a slight pull behind you as the creature enages you in this fashion, do not panic! Keep running until you are within a foot away from the incline, then throw yourself as hard as you can to either side and cover your ears. Due to the anti-friction and inertia-amplifying oil their bodies produce the penguin can easily reach speeds unmatched by our technology, the penguin WILL break the sound barrier near your position causing a sonic boom that can rupture unprotected ears. The penguin will hit the incline at an ever increasing velocity and will continue on an upward slope, the curvature of the earth and it's own hellish powers will remove it from your immediate vicinity very effectively. Immediatly hide in a hole or revolving door in case the penguin manages to ricochet off of the moon.

Thug: When faced with a Thug take two steps forward to bring yourself in close proximity with your target. When in range use your right hand to penetrate his sternum and remove his heart with focused force. Hold the removed heart in the air. If the thug is more than two steps from you do not move towards him! Instead, attach a bike chain to a ballpoint pen and throw it at his throat, once it is impaled pull him forcefully to your position and use the above manuever to dispatch him.

Hippies: These dangerous creatures begin their assault in classic passive-agressive fashion, coming in under a banner of peace. I can assure you that in the equation of life, peace is the result of an improperly carried zero. One will arrive initially and will establish itself as a harmless fixture of the environment, however, once this has occured it will release spores and grow several copies of itself. These copies will likewise reproduce in the same manner and their numbers will increase exponentially. I suggest early counter-action, hose vs. single hippie usually does the trick, if it has sunk it's tendrils into the soil already and proves resistant to water based tactics, nothing says "Screaming Batshit Irony" like beating them senseless with an uprooted tree.

Chthonic Representations of the Elder Gods: I hate to say this, but if your facing down one of the big bads, you're screwed, there are no two ways about it. The most you can do in such a situation is to direct your eyes in the direction of said manifestation so that when they erupt into high pressure blood fountains you can spatter them some, thus hopefully establishing your last act as a cognizant being with some effect of dignity. The real defense against CREGs is in prophylaxis...simply put, act first. These things have a difficult time manifesting on their own, in fact often times they MUST be summoned by a mortal representative, often a deranged cultist. To prevent the occurance of a CREG conflict, I suggest infiltrating any cults or sects that may have access to the texts needed in order for the summoning. When the infiltration is secured, sabotage the texts with delicately inserted leet-speak. Nothing disarms a possible End of the World scenario like "Ia Chthulu! Ia Dagon! Ia! Ia! LOL!" My experiments have produced several outcomes but all have been on a general theme, the summonings failed in one way or another.

High School Kids: Often times the youths of the human species act on impulses fueled by unstable hormones and chemicals that have a decidedly negative aspect on the brain's ability to ration and maintain social cohesion. When the youths of our people succumb to such things they can become a threat, and like all threats they must be defeated soundly and without mercy. Be warned against direct physical interaction however, due to the HSKs unstable skin integrity and ability to develop caustic lesions that erupt when placed under direct pressure, your best bet is not in punching them. Throwing a rock may be more applicable. The best course of action is to engage in psychological warfare. I suggest finding and assaulting a local psychologist (In a pinch a psychiatrist may suffice) seperating him into smaller more manageable pieces and freezing them, then when in range of the HSK, firing said ice chunks at them through the use of a high powered air compressor and hose. Remember to keep your distance! The HSK will enter it's defensive protocols and project viscous and dangerous fluid all over the damn place. A minimum of ten feet must be maintained, and even then it would be best to have some sort of non-permeable shield.

Cambodian Brain Spiders: These insidious creatures have developed a parasitic nature that makes them both extremely dangerous and highly difficult to detect. Crawling forth from the steaming heathen jungles these beasts have infiltrated our societies and culture with an acuity that hints at something dangerously more than a simple desire to survive. Hosts appear to be normal human beings to the untrained eye. They can be detected by a habit they have that is necessary for their survival however. In order to process food that is normally inedible to their arachnoid physiology they must direct the hosts to devour it while not completely closing it's own mouth, thus allowing light to fall into the oral cavity. The purpose of this is to allow the Brain Spider to visually scan the food and pick out the various insect matter within it which they then pull up into the major sinus and devour themselves. The rest of the matter is shoved down the throat to provide nutrients for the host. Due to a larger volume of insect matter in their foodstuffs, Brain Spiders frequent fast-food franchises and Mall Food Court satellite stores. When you detect a brain spider host, attack and give no quarter, for they will infect you if at all possible. Since the spider itself stores the majority of it's body in the skull, this must be the focused target. A handy wrench or tennis ball filled with water and frozen will suffice in most instances.

These are just a few common examples, due to the interactive nature of the internet as a medium, if you give me an example of a possible threat I will endeavor to develop the best possible means to counteract and eliminate it.

I do this because I care.


Related links
· More about Oogie Boogies
· News by Dolorosa


Most read story in Oogie Boogies:
Paranormal - Borley Rectory


Rate article
Average Rating : 5.0
Total ratings : 4

5 star


Dolorosa's Guide to Self Defense | Login/Create an account | 20 Comments
Threshold
Comments are owned by the poster. We aren't responsible for their content.
Re: Dolorosa's Guide to Self Defense
by Meranda_Jade (Meranda@mymind.com)
on Aug 21, 2006 - 07:09 PM
(User info | Send a Message)
Oh thank god for you, Dolo. I have been wondering how to deal with penguins for YEARS.


Re: Dolorosa's Guide to Self Defense
by Monolycus on Aug 21, 2006 - 10:24 PM
(User info | Send a Message)
Thanks for the guide, Dolo. When I am on my deathbed, people might ask me what kind of teacher I was. I would like to be able to look them in the eye proudly and say "None of my students were ever eaten by a juju zombie." While you did not cover zombie attacks, per se, this guide is an invaluable resource towards accomplishing that goal. Semper Vigilis!


Re: Dolorosa's Guide to Self Defense
by gothicmorman (litty_klj@hotmail.com)
on Aug 22, 2006 - 11:00 PM
(User info | Send a Message) http://www.freewebs.com/gothicmorman
If only I had known about this when I was in high school.

One common, and severe threat you passed up though is small children. What should we do about them?


Re: Dolorosa's Guide to Self Defense
by Domkitten (saradevil@saradevil.net)
on Aug 23, 2006 - 05:06 PM
(User info | Send a Message) http://www.saradevil.net
Alright, I could use some advice on what to do about a particular apparition that is giving me some trouble, namely the archetypical Asian ghost girl, you know what I’m talking about. Stringy hair, pale, big eyes, tends to move in backwards motions, and likes to kill people using her brain. You might refer to her as Okiku a girl from Japanese folk legends, or the sort of catalyst for most of the Japanese Kaidankai stories. If you had any advice on how to dispatch this often creepy and unavoidable creature, or at least how to keep her from killing me with my own brain, cell phone, computer, or vcr, that would be greatly appreciated.


Re: Dolorosa's Guide to Self Defense
by Psychopixi (psychopixi.at.hotmail.com)
on Aug 24, 2006 - 02:00 AM
(User info | Send a Message) http://psychopixi.com
I think I love you! ;o)

How about dealing with aliens? There's been a lot of suggestions... maybe another self defence article could be in the making?


Re: Dolorosa's Guide to Self Defense
by Rogue (Rogue@skew.org)
on Aug 25, 2006 - 03:25 PM
(User info | Send a Message) http://
I'm curious about the implications of combination threats. Suppose I am leaving my Krav Maga class and minding my own bidness when I am attacked by a Vampire Penguin wearing a green bandanna on his head. Now, I can never remember if green means "Crips", "Bloods", or "Closet Homosexual who shops at Odd Lots", so I prepare to stun it with a condom (ribbed, for no apparent reason) while retreating (a move not covered in my Krav Maga class, apparently they only teach "attack weaker targets"), but I don't know if I should fire a witty remark about Linux or possibly Prom Night, or if I should call Sergeant Star (the Army's Digital Recruiter) for a tac-nuke strike from space and hope to all that is Holy that the Penguin is not one of the "Thousand Other Freaking Forms - You Figure It Out". Would reverse-parallel-parking my Vespa while bouncily humming "Happy Happy Joy Joy" increase, or decrease my chances of survival?


Re: Dolorosa's Guide to Self Defense
by KittyGoesMrow (ephrilician@gmail.com)
on Sep 03, 2006 - 11:30 PM
(User info | Send a Message) http://breanna.users.vibechild.com/ephrilician
You're so helpful, dolo! I'm quite sure i'll have to use one or more of these techniques in life... much appreciated =)


Hit it with a rawk
by Dolorosa (SixOfSwords@IU.zzn.com)
on Sep 16, 2006 - 06:26 PM
(User info | Send a Message)
Aight guys, I'm currently without reliable net access, but hang in there and I will have some answers for ya, as for combination threats...the answer is as always "All the Above" more detail on that option later.



 Home | Articles | Galleries | Forums | Site Info | Web Links | Reviews | Register 
All logos and trademarks in this site are property of their respective owner. The comments are property of their posters, the rest © 2001 by VibeChild.com Add shmeng_syn to your Live Journal Friends List. If you have a website check the webmasters section - You can get this site on your Palm Pilot using This link - By using this website, you are agreeing to abide by our Terms of Use. If you are a bot thinking of spamming members, get your email addresses here
Buy Viagra Without Prescription
Buy Vigra Without Prescription
Buy Viarga Without Prescription
Buy Cialis Without Prescription
Buy Clomid Without Prescription
Buy Levitra Without Prescription
Buy Propecia Without Prescription
Buy Kamagra Without Prescription
Buy Accutane Without Prescription
Buy Zithromax Without Prescription
Buy Amoxil Without Prescription
Buy Zovirax Without Prescription
Buy Deltasone Without Prescription
Buy Topamax Without Prescription
Buy Lexapro Without Prescription
Buy Flomax Without Prescription
Buy Flagyl Without Prescription
Buy Synthroid Without Prescription
Buy Inderal Without Prescription
Buy Tenormin Without Prescription
Buy Keflex Without Prescription
Buy Diflucan Without Prescription
Buy Lasix Without Prescription
Buy Celebrex Without Prescription
Buy Doxycycline Without Prescription
Buy Zocor Without Prescription
Buy Premarin Without Prescription
Buy Celexa Without Prescription
Buy Norvasc Without Prescription
Buy Hydrochlorothiazide Without Prescription
Buy Nexium Without Prescription
Buy Cytotec Without Prescription
Buy Misoprostol Without Prescription
Buy Neurontin Without Prescription
Buy Levaquin Without Prescription
Buy Zyprexa Without Prescription
Buy Astelin Without Prescription
Buy Zetia Without Prescription
Buy Diclofenac Without Prescription
Buy Antabuse Without Prescription
Buy Arimidex Without Prescription
Buy Phenergan Without Prescription
Buy Paxil Without Prescription
Buy Differin Without Prescription
Buy Nizoral Without Prescription
Buy Valtrex Without Prescription
Buy Plan B Without Prescription
Buy Fosamax Without Prescription
Buy Diovan Without Prescription
Buy Betapace Without Prescription
Buy Reglan Without Prescription
Buy Rhinocort Without Prescription
Buy Cozaar Without Prescription
Buy Accupril Without Prescription
Buy Septilin Without Prescription
Buy Zyrtec Without Prescription
Buy Aldactone Without Prescription
Buy Benicar Without Prescription
Buy Flonase Without Prescription
Buy Atacand Without Prescription
Buy Hytrin Without Prescription
Buy Ditropan Without Prescription
Buy Rumalaya Without Prescription
Buy Prinivil Without Prescription
Buy Medrol Without Prescription
Buy Revia Without Prescription
Buy Naltrexone Without Prescription
Buy Parlodel Without Prescription
Buy Atrovent Without Prescription
Buy Aciphex Without Prescription
Buy Zelnorm Without Prescription
Buy Motrin Without Prescription
Buy Avandia Without Prescription
Buy Tetracycline Without Prescription
Buy Epivir Without Prescription
Buy Lamisil Without Prescription
Buy Sinequan Without Prescription
Buy Levlen Without Prescription
Buy Levonorgestrel Without Prescription
Buy Anafranil Without Prescription
Buy Seroquel Without Prescription
Buy Acai Without Prescription
Buy Micardis Without Prescription
Buy Aleve Without Prescription
Buy Claritin Without Prescription
Buy Nimotop Without Prescription
Buy Toprol Without Prescription
Buy Colchicine Without Prescription
Buy Cipro Without Prescription
Buy Tofranil Without Prescription
Buy Zanaflex Without Prescription
Buy Tizanidine Without Prescription
Buy Remeron Without Prescription
Buy Cardura Without Prescription
Buy Femara Without Prescription
Buy Provera Without Prescription
Buy Desyrel Without Prescription
Buy Imitrex Without Prescription
Buy Famvir Without Prescription
Buy Clarinex Without Prescription
Buy Buspar Without Prescription
Buy Lotensin Without Prescription
Buy Exelon Without Prescription
Buy Combivent Without Prescription
Buy Ventolin Without Prescription
Buy Diabecon Without Prescription
Buy Cymbalta Without Prescription
Buy Prilosec Without Prescription
Buy Omeprazole Without Prescription
Buy Flovent Without Prescription
Buy Noroxin Without Prescription
Buy Glucotrol Without Prescription
Buy Plavix Without Prescription
Buy Glucophage Without Prescription
Buy Bactrim Without Prescription
Buy Myambutol Without Prescription
Buy Dostinex Without Prescription
Buy Aricept Without Prescription
Buy Actos Without Prescription
Buy Lukol Without Prescription
Buy Rogaine Without Prescription
Buy Ampicillin Without Prescription
Buy Lamictal Without Prescription
Buy Retin Without Prescription
Buy Lipitor Without Prescription
Buy Chloroquine Without Prescription
Buy Arava Without Prescription
Buy Adalat Without Prescription
Buy Strattera Without Prescription
Buy Cleocin Without Prescription
Buy Relafen Without Prescription
Buy Crestor Without Prescription
Buy Maxalt Without Prescription
Buy Singulair Without Prescription
Buy Allegra Without Prescription
Buy Protonix Without Prescription
Buy Vermox Without Prescription
Buy Estrace Without Prescription
Buy Coumadin Without Prescription
Buy Advair Without Prescription
Buy Diamox Without Prescription
Buy Coreg Without Prescription
Buy Avapro Without Prescription
Buy Leukeran Without Prescription
Buy Prevacid Without Prescription
Buy Requip Without Prescription
Buy Zantac Without Prescription
Buy Erythromycin Without Prescription
Buy Zyvox Without Prescription
Buy Prednisolone Without Prescription
Buy Amaryl Without Prescription
Buy Actonel Without Prescription
Buy Evista Without Prescription
Buy Vantin Without Prescription
Buy Starlix Without Prescription
Buy Luvox Without Prescription
Buy Abilify Without Prescription
Buy Depakote Without Prescription
Buy Lozol Without Prescription
Buy Xenical Without Prescription
Buy Lotrisone Without Prescription
Buy Betnovate Without Prescription
Buy Risperdal Without Prescription
Buy Methotrexate Without Prescription
Buy Wellbutrin Without Prescription
Buy Mobic Without Prescription
Buy Altace Without Prescription
Buy Augmentin Without Prescription
Buy Effexor Without Prescription
Buy Nolvadex Without Prescription
Buy Biaxin Without Prescription
Buy Detrol Without Prescription
Buy Zyban Without Prescription
Buy Elavil Without Prescription
Buy Lioresal Without Prescription
Buy Allopurinol Without Prescription
Buy Lanoxin Without Prescription
Viagra pills canadian
Buy cheap viagra online now
Buy viagra usa
Buy viagra online no prescription
Canada viagra generic
Canadian women viagra
Viagra online without a prescription
Overnight viagra
Cheap viagra usa
Cheap viagra 100mg
Cheap viagra onaline
Viagra 50 mg
Cheap viagra no prescription
Best price viagra
Buy cheap online viagra
Viagra canada
Cheapest prices viagra
Generic viagra online
Viagra pfizer online
Viagra pills
Lowest price viagra
Viagra for sale
Canada no prescription viagra
Buy viagra in usa
Viagra generic
How can i buy viagra online
Buy viagra in canada
Buy viagra no prescription
Canadian viagra online
Overnight canadian viagra
Buy viagra online
Female viagra pills
Discount viagra online
Canadian generic viagra
Generic viagra canada
Cheap canadian viagra
Viagra low price
Viagra canada online pharmacy
Buy viagra online now
Viagra price comparison dosage
How get viagra
Generic viagra overnight
Viagra buy online
Generic viagra price
Viagra how fast does it work
Buy discount viagra
Viagra buy viagra online order viagra
Viagra online
Cost viagra online
Viagra in canada
Viagra online deals
Purchase viagra
Purchase viagra overnight delivery
Viagra for women
Cheap viagra now
Buy viagra
Viagra price
Cost of daily viagra
Viagra brand online
Viagra tablet weight
Viagra buy
Buy viagra on line
Viagra paypal
Viagra no prescriptions
Buy viagra online canada
Viagra online canada
Cheap viagra without a prescription
Buy cheap viagra
Viagra delivered overnight
Buy viagra online usa
Viagra soft tabs online
Buy viagra uk
Cheap viagra pills
Viagra drug
Viagra online no prescription
Generic viagra professional
Order generic viagra
Natural viagra
Buy viagra online wthout prescription
original brand viagra
Buy viagra professional
Low price viagra
Best viagra price
Buy cheap canadian viagra
Next day viagra
What is viagra professional
Viagra from canada
Levitra vs viagra
Buy cheap viagra usa
Viagra lowest price
Generic cialis canada
Cialis generic
Cheap canadian cialis
Cialis 100 mg
Cialis low price
Canadian generic cialis
Cialis pills
Best price cialis
Cialis canada online pharmacy
Cheap cialis usa
Buy cialis 20mg
Buy cialis online now
Cialis price comparison dosage
Canadian women cialis
How get cialis
Generic cialis overnight
Cialis buy online
Generic cialis price
Cialis how fast does it work
Buy discount cialis
Cialis buy cialis online order cialis
Cialis online
Cost cialis online
Cialis in canada
Cialis online deals
Buy cialis online no prescription
Purchase cialis
Purchase cialis overnight delivery
Cialis for women
Cheap cialis now
Discount cialis online
Buy cialis
Cialis 5 mg
Cialis 50 mg
Cialis price
Cost of daily cialis
Cialis brand online
Cialis tablet weight
Cialis buy
Buy cialis on line
Cialis paypal
Cialis no prescriptions
Buy cialis online canada
Cialis online canada
Cheap cialis without a prescription
Buy cheap cialis
Cialis delivered overnight
Buy cialis online usa
Cialis soft tabs online
Buy cialis uk
Cheap cialis pills
cialis drug
Cialis online no prescription
Generic cialis professional
Order generic cialis
Natural cialis
Buy cialis online wthout prescription
Buy cheap online cialis
original brand cialis
Buy cialis professional
Low price cialis
Best cialis price
Buy cheap canadian cialis
Next day cialis
What is cialis professional
Cialis from canada
Levitra vs cialis
Buy cheap cialis usa
cialis lowest price
Buy cialis online
Cialis pills canadian
Buy cheap cialis online now
Buy cialis usa
Canada cialis generic
Cialis online without a prescription
Overnight cialis
Cheap cialis onaline
Cheap cialis no prescription
Cialis canada
Cheapest prices cialis
Generic cialis online
Cialis pfizer online
Lowest price cialis
Cialis for sale
Canada no prescription cialis
Buy cialis in usa
How can i buy cialis online
Buy cialis in canada
Buy cialis no prescription
Canadian cialis online
Overnight canadian cialis
Female cialis pills