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Articles: Dolorosa's Guide to Self Defense
Posted by Dolorosa on Monday, August 21, 2006 - 04:09 PM PST

Oogie Boogies
Vampires: Sunlight is the best known weakness of Vampires, but if you encounter a Vampire it will be highly unlikely that the sun will be anywhere around to help you out. In case of a Vampire encounter establish if you a) wish to destroy this creature or b) wish to make with the sex. In the case of a) produce an awesome backflip round house kick to the Vampire's general head area, follow this up with a twisting snake palm to it's nose. This will sufficiently stun the beast long enough for you to either decapitate it with any nearby sharp object or impale it's heart with a number two pencil. IMPORTANT NOTE: You must have an awesome one-liner to deliver or your above manuevers will be wasted, my research has shown that Vampires will NOT burst into flame unless something awesome is said immediatly after the decapitation/impalement. I suggest something along the lines of "Ashes to Ashes baby," or "Claire Huxtable can crush a mans head with her mighty mighty thighs." After these utterances the Vampire will disintegrate in a flashy slow motion manner. If you chose b) engage in standard seduction protocols, but remember use protection. Condoms might work, but I prefer a Glock.

Gang Members: These miscreants frequently carry dangerous weapons and so must be dealt with quickly and with an eye towards demoralizing their fellows, as they rarely travel alone. When they do travel alone they are not classified properly as gang members as "gang" implies a group. A solo "Gang Member" is in fact a thug and dealt with differently. When accosted by Gang Members swift action is the key, target the largest and most threatening member and deliver what appears to be a sharp punch with your right hand to an area just above and away from their left eye, this is a feint, do not carry through with this attack. When the Gang Member moves to defend this attack insert your left hand through the opening in his defense and attach your fingers to his throat, do not punch. When you have succeeded in grabbing his throat, tighten your grip and make a snapping motion. This will cause his head to explode. Seeing their chief combatant taken down in such a fashion will shake the morale and spirit of the other Gang Members causing them to flee. Strut around accordingly.

Bears: Strike the bear once on the nose with a tightly rolled up newspaper, in your most authoritative voice say "No!" once.

Penguins: Being highly aggressive and far ranging, it is likely you will have to deal with a penguin at least once, when faced with these creatures remember that they are highly tuned killing machines, the evolutionary answer of nature to our own tactical nuclear bombs. Flee from the penguin in a serpentine movement, this prevents the animal from achieving a lock-on and line of sight that will allow it to reach terminal velocity on it's initial attack. Run in this fashion to a ledge or a slight incline, a skateboard ramp would be ideal but due to their nature even a wheelchair ramp up onto a sidewalk will work sufficiently. Thirty meters before you reach the incline, shift your running position to that of a straight line. The penguin will lay on it's belly and begins it's famous "Tuxedo Comet" manuever. You will feel a slight pull behind you as the creature enages you in this fashion, do not panic! Keep running until you are within a foot away from the incline, then throw yourself as hard as you can to either side and cover your ears. Due to the anti-friction and inertia-amplifying oil their bodies produce the penguin can easily reach speeds unmatched by our technology, the penguin WILL break the sound barrier near your position causing a sonic boom that can rupture unprotected ears. The penguin will hit the incline at an ever increasing velocity and will continue on an upward slope, the curvature of the earth and it's own hellish powers will remove it from your immediate vicinity very effectively. Immediatly hide in a hole or revolving door in case the penguin manages to ricochet off of the moon.

Thug: When faced with a Thug take two steps forward to bring yourself in close proximity with your target. When in range use your right hand to penetrate his sternum and remove his heart with focused force. Hold the removed heart in the air. If the thug is more than two steps from you do not move towards him! Instead, attach a bike chain to a ballpoint pen and throw it at his throat, once it is impaled pull him forcefully to your position and use the above manuever to dispatch him.

Hippies: These dangerous creatures begin their assault in classic passive-agressive fashion, coming in under a banner of peace. I can assure you that in the equation of life, peace is the result of an improperly carried zero. One will arrive initially and will establish itself as a harmless fixture of the environment, however, once this has occured it will release spores and grow several copies of itself. These copies will likewise reproduce in the same manner and their numbers will increase exponentially. I suggest early counter-action, hose vs. single hippie usually does the trick, if it has sunk it's tendrils into the soil already and proves resistant to water based tactics, nothing says "Screaming Batshit Irony" like beating them senseless with an uprooted tree.

Chthonic Representations of the Elder Gods: I hate to say this, but if your facing down one of the big bads, you're screwed, there are no two ways about it. The most you can do in such a situation is to direct your eyes in the direction of said manifestation so that when they erupt into high pressure blood fountains you can spatter them some, thus hopefully establishing your last act as a cognizant being with some effect of dignity. The real defense against CREGs is in prophylaxis...simply put, act first. These things have a difficult time manifesting on their own, in fact often times they MUST be summoned by a mortal representative, often a deranged cultist. To prevent the occurance of a CREG conflict, I suggest infiltrating any cults or sects that may have access to the texts needed in order for the summoning. When the infiltration is secured, sabotage the texts with delicately inserted leet-speak. Nothing disarms a possible End of the World scenario like "Ia Chthulu! Ia Dagon! Ia! Ia! LOL!" My experiments have produced several outcomes but all have been on a general theme, the summonings failed in one way or another.

High School Kids: Often times the youths of the human species act on impulses fueled by unstable hormones and chemicals that have a decidedly negative aspect on the brain's ability to ration and maintain social cohesion. When the youths of our people succumb to such things they can become a threat, and like all threats they must be defeated soundly and without mercy. Be warned against direct physical interaction however, due to the HSKs unstable skin integrity and ability to develop caustic lesions that erupt when placed under direct pressure, your best bet is not in punching them. Throwing a rock may be more applicable. The best course of action is to engage in psychological warfare. I suggest finding and assaulting a local psychologist (In a pinch a psychiatrist may suffice) seperating him into smaller more manageable pieces and freezing them, then when in range of the HSK, firing said ice chunks at them through the use of a high powered air compressor and hose. Remember to keep your distance! The HSK will enter it's defensive protocols and project viscous and dangerous fluid all over the damn place. A minimum of ten feet must be maintained, and even then it would be best to have some sort of non-permeable shield.

Cambodian Brain Spiders: These insidious creatures have developed a parasitic nature that makes them both extremely dangerous and highly difficult to detect. Crawling forth from the steaming heathen jungles these beasts have infiltrated our societies and culture with an acuity that hints at something dangerously more than a simple desire to survive. Hosts appear to be normal human beings to the untrained eye. They can be detected by a habit they have that is necessary for their survival however. In order to process food that is normally inedible to their arachnoid physiology they must direct the hosts to devour it while not completely closing it's own mouth, thus allowing light to fall into the oral cavity. The purpose of this is to allow the Brain Spider to visually scan the food and pick out the various insect matter within it which they then pull up into the major sinus and devour themselves. The rest of the matter is shoved down the throat to provide nutrients for the host. Due to a larger volume of insect matter in their foodstuffs, Brain Spiders frequent fast-food franchises and Mall Food Court satellite stores. When you detect a brain spider host, attack and give no quarter, for they will infect you if at all possible. Since the spider itself stores the majority of it's body in the skull, this must be the focused target. A handy wrench or tennis ball filled with water and frozen will suffice in most instances.

These are just a few common examples, due to the interactive nature of the internet as a medium, if you give me an example of a possible threat I will endeavor to develop the best possible means to counteract and eliminate it.

I do this because I care.


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Dolorosa's Guide to Self Defense | Login/Create an account | 20 Comments
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Re: Dolorosa's Guide to Self Defense
by Meranda_Jade (Meranda@mymind.com)
on Aug 21, 2006 - 07:09 PM
(User info | Send a Message)
Oh thank god for you, Dolo. I have been wondering how to deal with penguins for YEARS.


Re: Dolorosa's Guide to Self Defense
by Monolycus on Aug 21, 2006 - 10:24 PM
(User info | Send a Message)
Thanks for the guide, Dolo. When I am on my deathbed, people might ask me what kind of teacher I was. I would like to be able to look them in the eye proudly and say "None of my students were ever eaten by a juju zombie." While you did not cover zombie attacks, per se, this guide is an invaluable resource towards accomplishing that goal. Semper Vigilis!


Re: Dolorosa's Guide to Self Defense
by gothicmorman (litty_klj@hotmail.com)
on Aug 22, 2006 - 11:00 PM
(User info | Send a Message) http://www.freewebs.com/gothicmorman
If only I had known about this when I was in high school.

One common, and severe threat you passed up though is small children. What should we do about them?


Re: Dolorosa's Guide to Self Defense
by Domkitten (saradevil@saradevil.net)
on Aug 23, 2006 - 05:06 PM
(User info | Send a Message) http://www.saradevil.net
Alright, I could use some advice on what to do about a particular apparition that is giving me some trouble, namely the archetypical Asian ghost girl, you know what Iím talking about. Stringy hair, pale, big eyes, tends to move in backwards motions, and likes to kill people using her brain. You might refer to her as Okiku a girl from Japanese folk legends, or the sort of catalyst for most of the Japanese Kaidankai stories. If you had any advice on how to dispatch this often creepy and unavoidable creature, or at least how to keep her from killing me with my own brain, cell phone, computer, or vcr, that would be greatly appreciated.


Re: Dolorosa's Guide to Self Defense
by Psychopixi (psychopixi.at.hotmail.com)
on Aug 24, 2006 - 02:00 AM
(User info | Send a Message) http://psychopixi.com
I think I love you! ;o)

How about dealing with aliens? There's been a lot of suggestions... maybe another self defence article could be in the making?


Re: Dolorosa's Guide to Self Defense
by Rogue (Rogue@skew.org)
on Aug 25, 2006 - 03:25 PM
(User info | Send a Message) http://
I'm curious about the implications of combination threats. Suppose I am leaving my Krav Maga class and minding my own bidness when I am attacked by a Vampire Penguin wearing a green bandanna on his head. Now, I can never remember if green means "Crips", "Bloods", or "Closet Homosexual who shops at Odd Lots", so I prepare to stun it with a condom (ribbed, for no apparent reason) while retreating (a move not covered in my Krav Maga class, apparently they only teach "attack weaker targets"), but I don't know if I should fire a witty remark about Linux or possibly Prom Night, or if I should call Sergeant Star (the Army's Digital Recruiter) for a tac-nuke strike from space and hope to all that is Holy that the Penguin is not one of the "Thousand Other Freaking Forms - You Figure It Out". Would reverse-parallel-parking my Vespa while bouncily humming "Happy Happy Joy Joy" increase, or decrease my chances of survival?


Re: Dolorosa's Guide to Self Defense
by KittyGoesMrow (ephrilician@gmail.com)
on Sep 03, 2006 - 11:30 PM
(User info | Send a Message) http://breanna.users.vibechild.com/ephrilician
You're so helpful, dolo! I'm quite sure i'll have to use one or more of these techniques in life... much appreciated =)


Hit it with a rawk
by Dolorosa (SixOfSwords@IU.zzn.com)
on Sep 16, 2006 - 06:26 PM
(User info | Send a Message)
Aight guys, I'm currently without reliable net access, but hang in there and I will have some answers for ya, as for combination threats...the answer is as always "All the Above" more detail on that option later.



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