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Disillusion: Present Your Dead
Posted by KittyGoesMrow on Wednesday, March 22, 2006 - 12:14 AM PST

Experiences
My grandfather passed away on Friday.

Today we went to the funeral home for the visitation. Now mind you this is my first funeral and I’m not taking it so well especially since it is my grandfather but there is something I need to get out. Why the HELL do you fix a poor deceased old man up with paste and make –up and sit him in a casket to be presented to anyone who might wanna come by and have a looksie. For fucks sake it’s like my grandmother could be standing by the casket going “Hey 3rd cousin who has never actually met my husband… come look at his dead corpse!” It made me sick. People who didn’t even know the guy came by and put on a make façade and walked up there… looked at him and left! Now I’m sorry… religious or not I have come to the conclusion you shouldn’t doll up a dead body and stand him up on a pedestal for people to look at. Is that not moral common sense?

But people do it! No wonder people want to be cremated. I don’t like the idea of some strange guy going by my corpse and looking at my shriveled boobs.

No don’t get me wrong... I understand CLOSE family coming to say goodbye but not Joe Blow from down the damn street who takes walks in the morning and sometimes waves as he passes coming up at such an intimate moment.

Now this is the kicker. The thing lasted 3 hours… people cried at first and met the family etc etc… I was the ONLY one still tore up 1 hour into it… my aunt had the fucking audacity (his daughter) to come up to me and ask the stupid question “What’s wrong?” Now I just looked up at her like “What the fuck do you think, you heartless bitch?” After about 2 hours my cousins who are college students were laughing and joking with the rest of the family all the while my grandfather was presented nicely with soft lighting and flowers. They acted like it was a damn party. I kept looking over at him thinking, “I am SO sorry” But hell... it’s like at his birthday party, if anyone actually shows up, they pay him no mind at all.

At the end one of my grandmothers' sisters goes “Gosh can we go NOW?”

All in all everyone acted like it was an everyday thing... like MY fucking grandfather dying is just blasé.

Has anyone ever been to a funeral where things are like that? The funeral is still tomorrow and the visitation was today. I can’t WAIT to see how lovely they are about it then.



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Present Your Dead | Login/Create an account | 7 Comments
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Re: Present Your Dead
by Meranda_Jade (Meranda@mymind.com)
on Mar 22, 2006 - 04:34 AM
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People have different ways of coping with the reality of death.

Death makes all of us uncomfortable. Not only is there the fact of missing a loved one who is gone, there is the recognition of your own mortality.

In order to cope with both of these facts, people do strange things... like laugh and joke and pretending it isn't a big deal, when in fact, they could be very torn up inside. Wanting to leave early is another normal thing. It's very uncomfortable to stand around with a corpse in the room, being very aware of that fact, and not really having a clue what to do about it. So, mostly, people stand around, shake hands with people they haven't seen since the family reunion five years ago, and talk about everything but the corpse in the corner.

It's just different ways of coping. Some people grieve privately. Just because they were acting strangely, does not mean they did not care about your grandfather.

I agree with you about dressing up the corpse. I've always thought it was creepy to display a body like that. I think there's a reason for that too. Some people need to see the physical reality in order to let go and say goodbye properly. Instead of looking at your dead grandfather, the clothes and makeup make him seem unreal... like a doll. It's easier to look at a doll long enough to say goodbye. It's another way to disguise the reality of death.

Every viewing I've ever been to has been like this. I know exactly what you're talking about. Try not to be too offended, and try to have patience with people who, like you, are grieving. Even if it's not in as obvious a way as you are.



Re: Present Your Dead
by Kira on Mar 22, 2006 - 08:00 AM
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Ditto on everything MJ said above.

I personally find funerals distasteful, but you have to go along with the wishes of the person who died and/or those who are making those decisions for them.

During my grandmother's funeral, the entire family got an awful case of the giggles. It had been a long, drawn out battle to the end with being "brought back" against her will twice and lengthy hospital stays. We had all been through a lot, to say the least. So at the funeral there we are sitting in the first row. The preacher gets up to the podium, the violin music is playing, grandma was in the casket, and everyone was very solemn. Then the preacher opens his mouth, and talks just like fucking Elvis. The titter started with my dad, and spread down the row through our whole family. He leaned over to my mom and whispered, through laughing and crying at the same time, "thank you, thank you very much."

I'm pretty sure everyone else at the funeral mistook our wailing and heaving shoulders as sobs, or at least I hope they did. Point being that everyone grieves differently. We meant no disrespect, it was just an emotional release of a different kind. Besides, I know if my grandma were alive she would have been laughing too.


Re: Present Your Dead
by Domkitten (saradevil@saradevil.net)
on Mar 22, 2006 - 03:57 PM
(User info | Send a Message) http://www.saradevil.net
It's never easy, and the way others deal with it never seems quite right. When I go, cremation, and an irish wake, I think everyone should get drunk to the point where they feel like they are dying, an appropriate way to celebrate.

I had a friend, when she died she wanted the casket, the wake, the whole nine funeral yards. She also wanted her dead body to be rigged with a device that would cause one of her eyes to open whenever anyone stepped up to the casket so she could wink at them from beyond the grave. She was always a merry prankster....unfortunately that was the one wish her family would not allow to be fullfilled....



Re: Present Your Dead
by Starlight on Mar 22, 2006 - 04:55 PM
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I agree with what's been said about everyone having their own way of coping and grieving when confronted with a loved one or a friend's death. Although, I can certainly understand your concern and confusion KGM. It's hard to sometimes get a grip on why and how grieving can take such different forms.

I attended a lot of funerals and viewings when I was growing up. Maiinly because I was born when my parents were in their forties, so a lot of family friends and relatives were "up in years" and some just passed on as it happens. I guess I had the benefit of seeing how people react at funerals at a very young age, so it didn't seem all that odd when people behaved strangely at my father's funeral.

It still took me a bit by surprise that a third or fourth cousin on my mother's side was in front of the casket at the viewing and making "fun-time" plans with my brother and sister and I didn't even know who she was at the time. I later found out it was a distant relative and got introduced. A little bit later on, my mother was talking to a family friend in front of the casket and announced, with a giggle, that now she supposed she "could go a' cattin' ". When my mother passed a couple of years ago, she was cremated (her choice) and no funeral was officially held. My husband and I did a small private ceremony to say goodbye ourselves, since my brother insisted there should be no funeral.

Try not to let it get to you too much, and just take it all in stride if you can.



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