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Shmeng of the Week: Working for the Man |
Posted by
Kira on Thursday, August 18, 2005 - 12:08 AM PST
A little bit about my job..
I work for an evil global mega-corporation. Probably one of the top ones you would name if I asked you to name an evil global mega-corp. No, it isn't Wal-mart.
I was originally hired to do Flash animation and web design. These are two things I used to love. I have been working here for 9 months. In those 9 months I have done very little that I would be proud of. However, I have learned quite a bit about "designing" for a corporation:
1. Never ask for specifics about what something should look or feel like, because you won't get them. Don't bother asking people for examples of something they like, because they won't bother sending them. In fact, most of the time you will be working completely blindly. But it will, of course, be your fault if no one likes what you come up with.
2. Put actually working on a project off as long as humanly possible, because chances are it will get canned before completion anyway, and any work you did do will be worthless.
3. If putting it off doesn't work, work slowly. VERY slowly. This allows every small aspect of a design to trickle upwards through the ladders of corporate idiocy. There is nothing worse than finishing a project then having to start over because even though your VP, and his VP, and his VP, and his VP all like darker colors, the TOP VP does not and wishes the whole thing looked "lighter", even though this was never brought to the table at any time while working on the project (see #1).
4. If working slowly isn't an option, work cheaply and quickly. It isn't worth putting time into something that will most likely just get scrapped eventually. Don't get too attached to anything you create. So what if you worked an entire weekend on something? It can, and will, still get dropped at the whim of some top-level asswipe.
5. Don't even bother trying to put anything remotely creative into a design. Cutting edge has no place in the world of sales, where outer glows, lens flares, and drop shadows rule like the dinosaurs. Remember: intelligent or challenging == BAD.
6. Never try to defend something you created, point out its merits, or speak counter to the criticism of your "superiors". So what if the VP of the company knows nothing about web design? If he wants dark blue text on a black background, DAMMIT that is what he gets! Do you like having a job? Then don't argue.
7. As a developer/designer, never bother to comment in your scripts. In fact, put as much actionscript in as many different places as possible in every FLA file. Be inconsistent with variable names and folder structure. Then pretend your co-workers are stupid when they can't figure your jumbled mess out. Get promoted.
8. In fact, never question why something is the way it is at all, even if it seems stupid, outdated, and inconvenient. Time is money, time is money, time is money. That's why, although we have time to spend hours and hours in useless meetings all week, we have no time to ever make sure something is done right the first time. After the first go, no one has time to re-visit it and fix things, and so that is why we still have problems from 1997 with insanely stupid work-arounds.
9. The shit rises to the top. Don't be resentful of the fact that you have more experience and accreditation than your supervisor who is probably pulling in 6 figures. Don't be resentful of the fact that he doesn't know the difference between a JPG and PSD file, yet is somehow the head of the design department.
10. Don't bother asking for decent equipment. So what if we are a multi-billion dollar corporation? You will be happy with computers from 1999. Using your own personal laptop instead? You don't *really* need a firewire drive, do you? What's wrong with keeping 65 GIGs of video on your personal computer?
Sorry, had to get it off my chest. The only salvation sometimes is knowing that the majority of the time, I am costing them more than I am making them.
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Average Rating : 4.0
Total ratings : 3
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Working for the Man | Login/Create an account | 7 Comments |
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Re: Working for the Man
by Merry_Widow on Aug 21, 2005 - 10:41 AM
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I like number seven the best. Probably because I used to do shit like that when I was a cash-handler for AMC. The banker and I had a lovely system that made sense only to us, and we would raise hell any time someone else went in and tried to work in or around it, as they always screwwed it up. I didn't get promoted though...
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Re: Working for the Man
by bettie_x (strangersangel@hotmail.com)
on Aug 22, 2005 - 10:27 PM
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I'm a store manager for a large company, and we got a company voicemail from the vp about "flawless execution" and about how he wants it to be like "wow how did THAT slip through the cracks, they never make mistakes!" when something happens, and for everyone to take personal responsibility for flawless execution. That's great! I *HEART* flawless execution....problem is I can only flawlessly execute what they flawlessy execute, and so far they aren't flawlessly executing. Our store catch phrase is "flawlessexecutionWHAAA?". I'm also at the mercy of the nameless entities known as "H.O." on the other side of the country, and am bound to do their bidding. Never mind I've made schedules for the next month. Send me a mandatory manager schedule at last minute. I don't have a life, I'm a robot. So as a new manager I plug along, do what I can, and mmmhmmm and nod to the higher ups. I do have a kick ass DM who does what he can as a middle man between the machine and the peons, so I can't complain that much.
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Re: Working for the Man
by daria_4 (-)
on Aug 23, 2005 - 03:20 PM
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#8 is very near and dear to the Navy... I feel for ya, Kira.
Though I know there is just as much shit in the civilian world as there is in the military, I am looking forward to the civilian type in a few more years...
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Re: Working for the Man
by Rogue (Rogue@skew.org)
on Sep 07, 2005 - 12:32 PM
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Oh man, I hear ya. Remember the days when you read Dilbert and thought it was at least an exaggeration, and not a gross understatement? How about Office Space? I work for a company down the road from you guys, a financial institution with an improper fraction for a name, and I can personally certify that shit don't work nowhere.
Reminds me of an old motto that is bandied about in USMC circles but apparently originated with the slightly more pacifist Mother Teresa...
"We, the unwilling, led by the unknowing, are doing the impossible for the ungrateful. We have done so much, for so long, with so little, we are now qualified to do anything with nothing."
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