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| Fiction: Little Isle of the Damned |
Posted by
dead-cell on Monday, June 20, 2005 - 07:50 PM PST
Noon was fading and the fog was creeping back on shore. The wind was picking up so Erin and Miki cuddle together for warmth. Both contemplated what had happened last night. Both agreed Gregory was at the root of it. Erin through the conversation off track when she could no longer take it, “Miki you reek!” Before he could come up with any reasonable ideas, a horrid stench bombarded his nose. He excused himself and went to bathe in the sea.
It wasn’t working to well the order had bonded with his clothes. He was about to turn back, when he saw what looked like a head bob out the water. He leaned forward slightly to investigate a little better. Two slimy, inhuman arms pounced to life grabbing Miki by the ankles. They or it tried to drag him further in to the water, but he put up a good struggle with wild kicking and shouting. He escaped back on the beach just as Erin ran up to see two impossible figures perched in the shallow water.
“It couldn’t be!” She said out loud. Miki turned to see what exactly what had grabbed at him. Stunned at what he saw “No… mermaids?…” he let the words slip. Even in the fog they could see surreal details of the mermaids. They were not like your Disney version, they had grayish-green slimy skin, darker green fine scales on the lower half, reddish and dark hair tangled with green algae, hag breast, their eyes were large black and soulless, and their mouths were filled with needle sharp teeth.
The mermaids slunk back into deeper water with a terrible shriek. Miki and Erin withdrew back further up the beach. It was getting colder and often they could hear the shrills and splashes of the mermaids. Time to time they could spot one feasting on a body. There were numerous of them, it was as if Miki and Erin had were in some twisted fantasyland. It was almost possible to hear their psyches’ shattering to pieces.
Their horrified trance was interrupted by a scream of someone in agonizing pain coming from the distant side of the little island. The two looked into each other eyes approvingly knowing that together they would search for who ever, or what ever was in agony. They walked the beach line keeping their distance from the water, infrequently coming across remains picked apart, or a mermaid feasting on a carcass.
They made there way up and around rocky jaunts getting closer to the screams. The passed a rock face four times before Miki spied a small cave. It was a difficult path to get to the cave, but it was worth it. Miki looked in the cave and saw none other but Gregory. Erin made her way to the cave seeing Gregory made her blood rush. A thousand angry questions about last night crammed her head. Then she saw Gregory move out of the shadow, and what she saw gave her the chills. Gregory’s left eye gray and blind, his hair snow white, the left side of his body was withered, and deformed.
Before Erin or Miki could recover from their shock. Gregory began to speak with the side of his mouth that worked.
“So I guess you want explanations, huh? I bet you two don’t remember last night either do you. Oh, and my little yacht…I sunk it, or at least I think I did.” Tilting his head back he started to explain. “By now you have found out mermaids are real, mean bitches too. Do you know what happens when you eat mermaid flesh?” He pauses for a second before he continues. “Well, quite simply one of two things happen; one, you die. Now sometimes it kills right off the bat, other times its takes one whole day to kill you. Two, you eat it, survive, and live happily forever after. I guess the little memory wipe is just a by-product. Congratulations, we three have achieved immortality.”
He bangs his right hand repeatedly against the ground making a haphazard applause. Erin stutters forward “What happened to you? Why did you…” Gregory interrupts. “What this, well I guess some just can’t be as fortunate as the two of you, or this is what I get for having two servings. Go figure. And as for why… I was hungry for one, but mostly because I needed to see, someone had to see.” He ends it struggling to breath. “And what about the mermaids?
Out of all the ship wreaks over the centuries, why are they flocking to our little disaster?” Miki asked. “As far as I can surmise its because they smell their sister in our blood, even the in the dead ones. Vengeance and all.’’ Gregory responds. “So, its just us three, eh? No one else, Jesus, already you guys are real drags. This is going to be a lousy eternity.” Gregory’s little humor does nothing to calm the rage boiling in Erin. “You.. Monster! You selfish little Monster! You killed our father! You piece of shit! Our father! You piece of shit!”
Erin saw nothing but red. See she had had these little “rage fits” ever sense she was little. She had gone years with out any episodes, but the death of her father, and all those people by the hand of her own brother, who could blame her.
Page: 2/3
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Average Rating : 5.0
Total ratings : 1
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| Little Isle of the Damned | Login/Create an account | 6 Comments |
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| | Comments are owned by the poster. We aren't responsible for their content. |
Re: Little Isle of the Damned
by Anonymous-Coward on Jun 21, 2005 - 02:31 AM
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I think you've got the bones of a decent little story here. Undeveloped, of course, but with some work I think it could be something. I like the twist of the hag-like mermaids - everyone assumes that mermaids would be beautiful, Disney-like creatures, at the very worst heartless, but still alluring. Finding mermaids to be horrible creatures was surprisingly disconcerting, sort of a loss-of-innocence moment.
What the story needs is to dive deeper into the characters. They're a little 2-dimensional. At this point, it doesn't seem like they had a life before the beginning of the story. Even if you don't specifically write about all of it, a reader should be able to sense a history - a normal life before this horror. Where did the girl live? Did she have an apartment, did she live in the city or the country? Is she an athlete, an intellectual, or what? How did she meet Miki? What was her relationship with her father? Was her brother ever normal, or was there always this cruel, off streak even from childhood? What was her favorite food, her favorite song, her favorite movie, her favorite book? If she knew what a horrible person her brother was, why did she go to sea on his yacht? Does she have a mother? If so, why was she not on the yacht? If not, what happened to her?
I'm not saying that all this information should be included in the story, but there should always be a feeling that these questions have answers. The characters should not seem to exist solely for the sake of the storyline - you should be able to feel the built-up layers of useless information that is there, but just not necessarily being mentioned at this time.
But definitely this piece has potential as a rough draft for a more finished work. Keep it up!
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Re: Little Isle of the Damned
by dead-cell (freaksworth01@netscape.net)
on Jun 21, 2005 - 12:32 PM
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1)I knew it was bad, but I didn’t think it was bad enough to bring down the site.
2)I was expecting a rejection notice.
3)I did try to warn you.
4)I will never submit anything at 3am again.
I do agree with you, Schizo and I will work on it. However, in my pathetic defense, I did start later on it and tried to keep it short. Really, I was not expecting a multi-page story. I know the ending was rushed, but I hope it was a good twist. Maybe I should add a little epitome next time.
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Re: Little Isle of the Damned
by BlueLinn (avilinn@yahoo.com)
on Jul 01, 2005 - 11:21 AM
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http://www.geocities.com/avilinn/index.html
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it seems modeled after the asian version of a mermaid. Rumiko Takahashi has an entire manga series called the Mermaid Saga.
But I like your tale, it is creepy but schizo is right it needs a bit more depth and it seems to cut off too abruptly. It left me wanting more, (which is sometimes a good thing).
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