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Fiction: Little Isle of the Damned
Posted by dead-cell on Monday, June 20, 2005 - 07:50 PM PST

Entertainment
All right this is why I don't/ have not submit articles. Waste your time...


Erin woke up on a beach one night. Feeling woozy, and unsure where she was, Erin dug her hand in the sand, only to have a searing, burning, stingy pain engulf her bloody knuckles. Before she could scream out in agony, she realized that her brother was missing! Immediately she recalled the evening before, but it was hazy. She remembered her brother doing something heinous, she just couldn’t put her finger on it, but it was awful. An uneasy feeling told her to keep her mouth shut and swallow the pain. She staggered up and walked to the edge of the black inky water. The sound of waves put her in an easy trance, she stood there for a moment trying to jog her memory. From the corner of her left eye she spied something white limply move. She waded over to the mystery object and bent over just enough for the bright moonlight to show what it was. In an instant Erin shirked in horror and franticly ran back to shore. Through the dimly lit water She saw it was a man, dead and bloated floating in the waves. Turning her gaze back to the sea she noticed more white objects bobbing up and down with the waves. What had Greg done? Why? Where was he?

Sorrow swept over Erin, Miki her fiancé had been with her that night. She fell to her knees and wept over the loss of her love Miki while watching a number of corpses flow with sea. After awhile she surveyed further down the beach seeing still more bodies had washed ashore. Several of the bodies were clumped together. A large heap had formed at the far end of the shore. Which struck Erin odd as to how dead bodies could form them selves into a pile. As she got ever closer to the pile of bloated corpses a hideous stench over took her nose. She gasped as she recognized some of the grotesque or sometimes alien faces. Few were actually recognizable; most were gone, decayed, or eaten off. Dawn was breaking and the disgusting features of the dead became more apparent.

The pile was crawling with crabs, other numerous crustaceans, flies, and seaweed wrapped around some of the mass. The smell from the pile was so horrid it kept her at bay for several feet. Just then as she felt a gag to vomit, a frightful scream arose from the mound. Three silhouettes of human like figures suddenly sprang up from the heap; Erin thought they were human at first, but that was at a distance. Again a loud and hysterical scream sounded from the pile. This time the human figures sprang for the water. Erin rushed over trying her best to ignore the tremendous foul smell. With in seconds she spotted a hand sticking out, struggling, desperately to grab hold of something. Instinctively she grabbed the hand and pull as hard as she could. Unbelievably it was Miki that emerged out of the carcasses.

Miki was visibly shaken up being pulled out from under carcasses. Erin thought to her self who wouldn’t be? Sitting up wind from Miki, while he took some time to sit down and collect his thoughts; Erin tried to clear her cloudy memory of last night. It took several minutes till Miki began to wind down. Erin wandered if Miki could remember what had happened. She approached Miki with care, taking her time to sit by him.

They sat there in silence watching the fog come in. Erin feeling enough time had past turned to Miki “I thought I lost you.” She whimpered falling into his lap, while he simultaneously wrapped his right arm around her lithe frame. With tears streaming out of her she confessed she couldn’t remember last night. Looking off into the distance Miki confessed he didn’t remember as well. They would have remained in their pose for a longer time, if they hadn’t heard loud splashing. Both had the same thought that it was another survivor, and rushed to the water’s edge. Miki made a gesture for Erin to stay on the beach while he investigated, and she did partly because of what she found out there the last time. Miki cautiously waded through thickening fog over to the noise.

He came in view of a mannish figure face down dressed in a tux pathetically wailing about. No sooner had Miki moved one step closer the man suddenly and completely stopped moving. Miki panicked and grabbed the man by the back of his tux’s collar. Miki sprinted for the beach dragging the man behind him.

Erin watched Miki materialize out of the fog, she screamed seeing what he dragged behind him. No not the fact it was a limp body, but that even from a distance Erin could tell it was her father. Miki flipped his future father-in-law over, shocked to discover that most of his gut devoured. Erin lay on the beach crying, and cursing her brother’s name. It wasn’t until noon when the fog retreated away from the island that Erin stood up again. Miki had spent the time digging a grave for Joseph. Erin walked over and stood over the grave, watching Miki shove the sand over her father’s body.

Miki looked up “I’m sorry, it must have been a barracuda, or something that did this.” Erin motionless stood there and murmured “Or something.” “What?” Miki asked. Erin explained about the silhouettes she saw pop up from the pile she pulled Miki out of. “What are you saying!” Miki grilled her. “I don’t know they could have been sea gulls, or seals for all I know.” Miki looked at her as if she knew more than what she let on.

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Little Isle of the Damned | Login/Create an account | 6 Comments
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Re: Little Isle of the Damned
by Anonymous-Coward on Jun 21, 2005 - 02:31 AM
I think you've got the bones of a decent little story here. Undeveloped, of course, but with some work I think it could be something. I like the twist of the hag-like mermaids - everyone assumes that mermaids would be beautiful, Disney-like creatures, at the very worst heartless, but still alluring. Finding mermaids to be horrible creatures was surprisingly disconcerting, sort of a loss-of-innocence moment.

What the story needs is to dive deeper into the characters. They're a little 2-dimensional. At this point, it doesn't seem like they had a life before the beginning of the story. Even if you don't specifically write about all of it, a reader should be able to sense a history - a normal life before this horror. Where did the girl live? Did she have an apartment, did she live in the city or the country? Is she an athlete, an intellectual, or what? How did she meet Miki? What was her relationship with her father? Was her brother ever normal, or was there always this cruel, off streak even from childhood? What was her favorite food, her favorite song, her favorite movie, her favorite book? If she knew what a horrible person her brother was, why did she go to sea on his yacht? Does she have a mother? If so, why was she not on the yacht? If not, what happened to her?

I'm not saying that all this information should be included in the story, but there should always be a feeling that these questions have answers. The characters should not seem to exist solely for the sake of the storyline - you should be able to feel the built-up layers of useless information that is there, but just not necessarily being mentioned at this time.

But definitely this piece has potential as a rough draft for a more finished work. Keep it up!


Re: Little Isle of the Damned
by dead-cell (freaksworth01@netscape.net)
on Jun 21, 2005 - 12:32 PM
(User info | Send a Message)
1)I knew it was bad, but I didn’t think it was bad enough to bring down the site.
2)I was expecting a rejection notice.
3)I did try to warn you.
4)I will never submit anything at 3am again.

I do agree with you, Schizo and I will work on it. However, in my pathetic defense, I did start later on it and tried to keep it short. Really, I was not expecting a multi-page story. I know the ending was rushed, but I hope it was a good twist. Maybe I should add a little epitome next time.


Re: Little Isle of the Damned
by BlueLinn (avilinn@yahoo.com)
on Jul 01, 2005 - 11:21 AM
(User info | Send a Message) http://www.geocities.com/avilinn/index.html
it seems modeled after the asian version of a mermaid. Rumiko Takahashi has an entire manga series called the Mermaid Saga.
But I like your tale, it is creepy but schizo is right it needs a bit more depth and it seems to cut off too abruptly. It left me wanting more, (which is sometimes a good thing).


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