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Humor: My Duty as a Female |
Posted by
Andree on Tuesday, June 08, 2004 - 07:55 AM PST
As a female, it is my duty to say one thing and mean another.
If you should find out what I mean, I must change what I mean. Then I must use it all against you.
I must play mind games.
You know how it goes. I have to whine about not getting enough affection, then I must push you away for smothering. Also, there’s the good ol’ “wait and see if he calls” routine.
I must complain about my body.
As a female, I must always be at war. Remember, I am outnumbered. It is me versus the bathroom scale, the fatty acids, the regular coke, the friends who look better than me, the cheesecake, the mirror, the gym fees, the Hors d'oeuvres, and the commercials. I must never be content. Which brings us to our next item:
I must fish for compliments.
For example, if I say, “Man! I exercise all the freaking time, and this fat never goes away,” I am actually saying, “Please shower me with compliments.” I would like to hear something to the effect of, “What’re you talking about? There isn’t an ounce of fat on you! If I ever hear you complaining about your body again I’m going have a fit.”
You must never know that I go to the bathroom.
Well, peeing is okay. But females never do that other thing. It’s that simple. In order to preserve this truth, and so that I never expose human bodily function, I must have correct timing, i.e. with the shower on, before shower. Shower must last at least a half hour.
I must be vain at all times.
For the college student this means waking up Sunday morning, taking a shower, putting on fresh pajamas, applying makeup, and then going to breakfast so everyone thinks I wake up looking like this.
I must throw pity parties for myself.
This usually involves eating.
I must talk smack about you behind your back.
This only works if I am nice to your face. As a female, I must pretend to care about your problems, then after you leave, bitch about your whining. The reason I do this is because it makes me feel better about myself. Accomplishing something useful and feeling good about that is forbidden.
I must whine. A lot.
It’s too cold. I’m unhappy. My boobs aren’t big enough. You don’t care. I’m misunderstood. You never call. I look fat in this. Mom won’t leave me alone. Men are pigs. Get that camera out of here. I get blamed for everything. You were looking at her. My head hurts. There’s too much stress in my life. My boss is an idiot. You’re an idiot. Does she look better than me? Is that a pimple? I can’t stand this song. Et cetera.
I must blame my parents for everything.
In special circumstances, this can actually apply to males as well. I am irresponsible because of my childhood. I am always late because that’s how my parents were. I’m rude because dad is rude. I’m messy because of the way I was raised. I’m a bitch because that’s how mom’s example taught me to be. I can also blame everything on PMS. (This works well for any bitchiness not covered in the parents complaint.) If there’s any angst left over I can always blame you.
I must complain about the exploitation and objectification of women in today’s media.
But I must secretly envy their smooth skin, slender legs, and enormous paychecks. This goes back to the “say one thing and mean another” rule. I say: “I can’t believe that! Look what she’s wearing! I can’t believe she would sell her image like that! And I can’t believe they’re portraying women as toys!” I mean: “Damn. How come I can’t look like her?”
I must compare my straight male friends to gay men.
As in, “Shoot. If you were gay we could go shopping,” and “It’s too bad you’re not gay. Cuz then we could look at boys together,” and “Can you please turn gay? We’d have so much fun if you were gay. Are you sure you’re not gay?” It is my duty to believe this doesn’t offend you.
I must be a camera Nazi.
Especially if you have a digital. After you take my picture, I have to see it on the viewer immediately. If I don’t like it, you have to erase it.
I must act explicitly offended when hit on by creeps, but I must secretly feel smug.
These creeps are: Overbaked Mexican construction workers, stumbling drunk men, and old people. I may date creeps but not persons significantly older or younger than I—in fact, no one may date anyone younger than half his/her age plus seven. This rule does not apply to Devin. His rule is “anyone over eighteen.”
I must keep my abs tight, and my back arched seductively.
It doesn't matter how uncomfortable this is—anything is better than looking like I have proper posture.
I must demand equal treatment.
You must treat me as an equal unless money is involved; in which case I will accept your dominance.
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Average Rating : 4.8
Total ratings : 9
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My Duty as a Female | Login/Create an account | 18 Comments |
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Re: My Duty as a Female
by gothicmorman (litty_klj@hotmail.com)
on Jun 08, 2004 - 11:55 AM
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well, you hit that subject quite clearly. i dont understand girls. i am happy to admit that right here. you did a great job with the dramatization of all of this, now many people may think "oh, girls are'nt really like that, that is just a stereotype." but if i may say so myself i have seen each of these rules applied at least once (at the very minimum) in my life... its not THAT much of a stereotype...
the ruthless
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Re: My Duty as a Female
by MystryssRavynDarque (MystryssRavynHI@wmconnect.com)
on Jun 08, 2004 - 03:39 PM
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http://kauai.vibechild.com/~amanda/
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Very good Andree, and you know most women who would read this would deny every bit of it, but would secretly know it is true. Good hit on Devin there and the age thing too. But he could be going younger....*giggle*
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Uh huh.
by Andree on Jun 08, 2004 - 04:26 PM
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Well yeah, it's generally understood that Devin can get whomever he wants.
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- Re: Uh huh. by MystryssRavynDarque on Jun 09, 2004 - 10:25 AM
Re: My Duty as a Female
by angel_of_death (blackbird_164@hotmail.com)
on Jun 09, 2004 - 02:24 PM
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i am one of those bitchy and manipulative chicks and can say you have got it 100% right.... good on u!
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Slacking on my duties..
by Kira (mod_complex-at-hotmail.com)
on Jun 10, 2004 - 12:18 AM
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I kind of suck at being a female.
I love talking about poop. I don't blame my parents for anything. I try to only complain about my body when it is aching. I don't get jealous of the girls in magazines 'cause I know photoshop too well.
However, I am a picture nazi, and I do wish all people (not just straight men) were bisexual. Life would be sooo much easier that way.
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Re: My Duty as a Female
by Magnumaster (-)
on Jul 21, 2004 - 11:50 PM
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Once again, Andree remains my hero. This article is hilarious and at the same time so incredibly true. Good stuff.
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