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How To: What not to do as a Dominant
Posted by EyeCandyRayce on Friday, April 02, 2004 - 05:42 AM PST

Smut
I recently ran into the first and only Master I ever had. We were together for eight years and while I learned alot about who I was as a person and a slave while collared by him. I also learned what shouldn't be done to a slave in a lifestyle relationship. So I decided to write up this little "What not to do" list for Dominants. 1. There is a very fine line between degradation play and verbal abuse.
One is play and the other is not. So your slave likes to be called a dirty little slut? If that is what you both enjoy then great! But donít tell them they are ugly or they donít please you. This can quickly destroy a person especially when they have given themselves to someone.

It is important to understand what exactly it is to be a Ďslaveí. It is a very vulnerable position to be in and very important that every Master or Mistress understand how delicate their slave is in this state. Now understand that there is a difference between a bottom and a slave. Even a Dominant can bottom to someone, but they are not submitting. A slave is a submissive. They are submitting their mind, body, heart and soul to you. Doing so brings on a stronger level of love and trust then any vanilla relationship could ever give. Donít take that for granted.

Example of this situation: A Dominant has had a bad day at work. He goes home to find his slave has not done the tasks he set for her or has not done them to his satisfaction. In his state of frustration he begins telling her she is worthless and a horrible slave.

We all say things we donít mean when we are angry or frustrated. This is an area where you should really try to not do that which is why it is listed as #1.

2. Never use your position as a Dominant during an argument with your slave.
This will quickly take a healthy growing experience that the two of you are sharing into a painful and resentful situation.

The thing to keep in mind is that while you have a bondage style relationship, it is still a Ďrelationshipí. Fights are going to happen and harsh words said. Anything said during a fight or argument should not be held against the slave. Forget the collar completely and remember that is a human being standing in front of you.

This also goes for the slave as well. I have watched the reputations of safe and sane Dominants get destroyed because a slave said something about him as a Dominant when she was angry with him. Say something about him as a person but leave the anger of your relationship separate from the bondage relationship.

3. Donít take away their life.
So you donít like this friend or that friend? Donít order them to stop being involved with those they care about. Even if you feel that the relationship they have with them is unhealthy. Tell them what you think of the situation and then step back and let them live their life and learn from their mistakes. Show yourself the better person by being there if things go wrong and not saying ďI told you soĒ.

It is understandable to want to protect your slave from pain and hurt but you cannot protect your slave from life. To do so cheats them of who they are and who they will become. To do so cheats them of life experiences they will need to keep from making the same mistakes twice.

4. Remember that they have needs to.
While they will probably do everything in their power to please you, even things they donít really want to do sometimes, it is important to return that. Many Dominants forget that it is not a give / receive relationship. It is a give / give relationship. When they are good, reward them with things they would enjoy. Even if they are things you would not normally like as they have probably done so for you.

5. Listen to your submissive.
Let them know that their feelings, fears and misgivings should be voiced. Donít punish them for voicing that they disagree with something you said or did. This does not mean that you should allow a submissive to mouth off or be rude to you but you should try and set up a way for them to get out their frustrations.

Example: A Mistress and her slave are enjoying an evening with other like-minded people. Something going on is making her uncomfortable. A previous hand signal has been established between the Mistress and her slave that she can use when things get overwhelming. She makes the signal and the two of them excuse themselves outside or to a private room to discuss what is making her uncomfortable.

6. Donít make them change things about themselves they are not willing to change.
The most confusing and most difficult to figure out as a new Dominant is what is ok to change about your slave. Maybe you donít like smoking and he or she smokes. Do you force them to stop smoking or do you tolerate it? Say they complain about their weight. Do you force them to lose the weight so they will stop complaining about it and feel better about themselves?

If it is something you just cannot stand that they do but they are not willing to give up, then like many relationships, you just may not be compatible.

Example:
You dislike the smell of cigarettes and want your slave to stop smoking. First you discuss with the slave if they are willing to stop smoking or not. If they wish to quit then you set up rules and punishments for smoking. If they are not willing to stop then you set up the rule that you do not wish them to do it around you. I have seen Masterís who do this with their slaves and they will sometimes allow them to go smoke with friends at parties they are both at together as a reward.

7. Never lie to each other:
Lying destroys trust and trust is very important in a relationship like this. If there is something going on that you think your slave or Master would not like to hear then your best bet is to just be honest. Donít be mean but be honest. If you make a mistake, admit to it, donít try to hide it from each other. This rule applies to all relationships but is even more important in a lifestyle relationship. It takes a lot of trust to put your life and body into the hands of another.

8. Donít force away their feelings or become angry with them for having emotions you donít understand:
Donít forget that the person at the end of that leash has a personality in there. Suppressing that will either break the submissive or make them very angry. Either is not good.

____________


I have seen and experienced so many mistakes made in this lifestyle. Just remember the responsibility you take when you snap the lock on that collar and make sure you are ready for it. I donít want to turn any new Dominants away from this by scaring them but a damaged sub takes a long time to heal.

I have always found it sad to see a new submissive walk away from the lifestyle with a bad impression of what it is because of Dominants who do the above. Some of these Dominants do it without realizing and others do it without caring. The trick to having a healthy and growing relationship in this lifestyle is to pay very careful attention to EVERYTHING you do. This rule applies to both the Dominant as well as the submissive.



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What not to do as a Dominant | Login/Create an account | 13 Comments
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Re: What not to do as a Dominant
by Squire-of-Gothos (Brian0049@hotmail.com)
on Apr 02, 2004 - 07:56 AM
(User info | Send a Message) http://
you know, I've just recently been able to realise and practice my dominant side, so maybe I haven't gotten far enough in to go insane, but if these are common practices of a lot of dom/mes out there, than i'm a little surprised and disguisted. Eh.....


Re: What not to do as a Dominant
by pixel (-)
on Apr 02, 2004 - 08:03 PM
(User info | Send a Message)
This is an extremely valuable and well written article. I am glad that you mentioned that, in some cases, the damage does go both ways, but someone who submits has made themselves particularly vulnerable to harm. I would encourage anyone who is contemplating forming a D/s relationship with someone to discuss these issues first and even possibly write them down to refer to later. Reminders always help, especially when things get heated. Well done, EyeCandyRayce.


Re: What not to do as a Dominant
by Domkitten (saradevil@saradevil.com)
on Apr 03, 2004 - 04:17 AM
(User info | Send a Message) http://www.saradevil.com
It's great to see an article that is self exploratory and at the same time incredibly informative. You've put many of the pitfalls of the BD/SM relationship out there.

For those novices who might not know any better, this is fantastic advice.



Re: What not to do as a Dominant
by callei on Apr 04, 2004 - 09:56 AM
(User info | Send a Message) http://http://
i find it funny sometimes that most articles about BDSM here and everywhere else are about what NOT to do, rather than what to do. Anyone else ever noticed that?

I think it might be because its easier to say the few no-no's than it is to try to list all the things you can do. ITs funny tho that most people ask about what they can do, not what they shouldnt do.


Re: What not to do as a Dominant
by Starlight (elenmea@hotmail.com)
on Apr 07, 2004 - 11:58 PM
(User info | Send a Message) http://www.geocities.com/nony_one/index.html
I think you've touched on some very important issues by sharing some of your own experiences in this article.

I've seen too many people jump into allowing themselves to be collared to a person, without really setting up any ground rules as a starting point for the relationship. It may be they are just so anxious to belong to someone that they don't realize just how the relationship will really run or even end.

I think in a D/s relationship, there should at least be a discussion of how it would be ended if it should appear to be not working out. In a vanilla type relationship, that more or less can just come up if it comes up. However, in a D/s relationship, when the people are still learning so much about each other, that needs to actually be established as to how it would be ended, because sometimes a submissive is afraid to even think of telling the Dominant that they are not happy and want out.

If later on, they discover it's going to last forever, then at least they know they both reached that point by each having a way out if it was not going to work out.


Re: What not to do as a Dominant
by RandomZion (-)
on Jul 14, 2004 - 10:04 PM
(User info | Send a Message)
This is one of the best writings on D/s relationships I have read in a long time. You really hit on some very important and common issues. The world needs more sane D/s post and essays out there, and this one is in the forefront.


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