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Articles: Spice in the Vanilla Rack
Posted by Devin on Wednesday, March 10, 2004 - 04:15 AM PST

Rant
Everyone has some kind of vague idea of what kind of relationship would make him or her happy. Some people are even pretty clear on what kind of people they are attracted to. I'm constantly hearing people talking about their soul mate, or saying, "maybe I've found The One". I've found that the best thing to do is to keep my mouth shut and not say a word - but I shouldn't have to. In this overly politically correct world, why is it still so politically incorrect to prefer to be with more than one person? To keep people from being offended, we've changed the English language to accommodate black folks as African Americans, garbage men as Sanitation Engineers, and midgets as Vertically Challenged. Yet I'm still a fucking weirdo.

Well, I am a very offended fucking weirdo thank you very much. I am offended daily by the media and by conversations I overhear, and even by conversations that I'm a part of. I was even talking to a gay couple once who thought that they should be able to get married, but I shouldn't be able to marry the 2 girls I was seeing at the time if I'd wanted to. They said I should have to pick one.

Watching the latest round of reality TV dating shows has gotten me thinking about this again. The fairy tale ending was obviously designed to appeal to the largest possible audience, but it only succeeded in alienating me. Instead of thinking "Oh how sweet", I was thinking, "Why did they make him pick one, when he obviously would have been happier with both?" I was also thinking "Too bad that could never be me on that show". Nobody would make a show like that where the contestant got to pick 2 people in the end. I personally think it would be fun and amusing as hell, it would put a whole new spin on things - but it would never happen. The politically correct would not allow it for fear of offending someone. This offends me yet again.

Another interesting part of this dilemma which I've noticed for years is that there are quite a few people out there who agree with me in principal. They call themselves polyamourous, and there are some surprisingly large communities of them across America. My impression of the Seattle "Scene" is a bunch of fat bored married people, and a bunch of psycho slutty stripper bimbos who need to eat something besides lithium.

Although technically I am polyamourous, I rejected the term long ago because these communities have rejected me. It seems the vast majority of polyamourous people don't consider you poly if you're single. Apparently you have to be married, or otherwise romantically involved to have a license to use that label. To me, that's like saying you're not gay unless you're currently sleeping with someone of the same sex.

I have had people tell me over and over that committing yourself to just one person is the ultimate in intimacy, so I of course had to try it for myself. I tried repeatedly. In my days of searching for an identity I tried everything. I tried it enough different ways to rule out the possibility that I was doing it wrong. I finally realized that the people who were telling me these things had not tried it my way, and didn't know the difference. (Trying a threesome once with people who don't share well doesn't count). The arguments always seem to come back to tiresome old topics like commitment, loyalty, faithfulness, and cheating. I've pretended to understand, but I never fully have, how these words came to be used to mean monogamous.

Commitment is commitment whether it's to one person or 50. Faithfulness and loyalty don't have any different meaning just because they are applied to more than one person. Cheating is cheating, but if you're not lying to anyone or doing something behind his or her back, and you have the permission of everyone involved, it is not cheating by any stretch of the imagination. All of these thoughts are better discussed elsewhere on the net, so I'll stop here.

I've also noticed that a lot of people try and connect it to the adolescent fantasy of sleeping with two girls to try and understand it. It really doesn't have much to do with the adolescent fantasy at all. There's nothing quite as erotic as 3 way kisses in the shower, but I'm sure everyone agrees that fun sex does not necessarily make a satisfying relationship. The intimacy comes from sharing everything. Sharing sexual partners and romantic interests is pretty much the ultimate in sharing. It also eliminates most of the bigger things that monogamous couples find themselves lying about. The lack of secrets or, more specifically, the lack of reasons to keep secrets makes for a kind of trust that you just can't get in a vanilla relationship.

It's about the conspiratorial whispers and late night giggle sessions where one person is telling the other about a date with a third. It's about hearing details about a date when you know you might get some of the same. It's about the way people listen to your date stories when they know they might get some of the same. It's about having someone to lean on who really does understand and care when a lover leaves. All of these things create intimacy in ways that monogamous people refuse to even contemplate.

Knowing what you want is the first step to getting it. I've heard this over and over, but nobody ever seems to mention that knowing what you want eliminates most of your options. There is no longer any point in continuing to date somebody after I know that they will never share well. I'm not opposed to meeting people and finding new friends, but I'm not even sure I need more friends to tell me I'm a weirdo.

So if you are one of those people who complains about not being able to find "The One", this article is to let you know that people are quietly laughing at you. I know it seems like a tragedy to you that you can't find your other half, but for those of us looking for our other two thirds or more, I'm sure you can see how it would be amusing. Be grateful that you only have to find someone who fits well with you, and don't have to worry about how they get along with another person.

Note: This article was written about a year ago and never posted. I just found it and cleaned it up

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Spice in the Vanilla Rack | Login/Create an account | 54 Comments
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Re: Spice in the Vanilla Rack
by MystryssRavynDarque (A1Mandi04@aol.com)
on Mar 10, 2004 - 06:44 AM
(User info | Send a Message) http://kauai.vibechild.com/~amanda/
Damn fucking right! A girl in my class the other day said that she would like to get married some day, but she wants to still date other people while married. I said "Well then why don't you?" She told me it is wrong and weird and I am weird for the age of the person I like so I shouldn't be handing out advice. Yep, I guess there are some things the world isn't ready to accept into the mainstream, and what is that quote by George Carlin about the mainstream? Oh yes "The mainstream is reffered to as a stream because of its shallowness."


Re: Spice in the Vanilla Rack
by Anonymous-Coward on Mar 10, 2004 - 07:59 AM
I think that if you're mature enough to except that kind of relationship that you should definately do it...But I'm from the otherside of things....I know you're laughing...But I like the idea of manogomy, it seems to work for me.....besides I don't beleive I could handle a "sharing" relationship, guess i'm not ready for that, or maybe that's not what I want at all....but I'm not gonna keep anyone from what they want, that would be selfish. In a "Monogomist" relationship you can share all those secrets and all that...It's just that some people choose not to share themselves with other people, not as a test of love, not because of selfishness...but because that's what they want....Even with my veiw on things I wouldn't call you a weirdo....mainly because you know what you want and you're not willing to settle for less...and it seems to me that as long as everyone involved understands and can handle it, then it's just fine. Hope ur not offended by that.


Re: Spice in the Vanilla Rack
by callei on Mar 10, 2004 - 08:20 AM
(User info | Send a Message) http://http://
so as soon as you get a lover, you stop talking to your family and friends? so that you dont "share" yourself with anyone but that lover?


Re: Spice in the Vanilla Rack
by Zero (-)
on Mar 10, 2004 - 10:36 AM
(User info | Send a Message)
I never had sex by just talking....I would really love some instructions on how exactly, i would love to try it.....Now words seem to be coming out of my mouth that I didn't even know I was saying.....like penetration = sex...I didn't say that. And i do beleive there's a grey area in "love".....And that just proves my point..."I love everyone I have sex with to some degree." Doesn't that mean that you wont have sex with someone you don't love.


Re: Spice in the Vanilla Rack
by Zero (-)
on Mar 10, 2004 - 10:49 AM
(User info | Send a Message)
there is so much i don't know...How do you eyesex???.....please tell me.....maybe that could be an article topic. THE OTHER WAYS YOU CAN HAVE SEX....AND HOW TO DO THEM ALL by Devin. OK so the title needs work....but pleeeez I'm just dieing to know.


Re: Spice in the Vanilla Rack
by feralucce (Iwouldliketokillyou@gofuckyourself.com)
on Mar 10, 2004 - 12:58 PM
(User info | Send a Message) http://feralucce.webhostingpal.com/
I have always felt that I am poly as well... but... I am too jealous for my partner's benefit... so... I dunno what that really makes me...



Re: Spice in the Vanilla Rack
by Gryphon (Gryphon_M@hotmail.com)
on Mar 10, 2004 - 03:45 PM
(User info | Send a Message) http://mandrakken.homestead.com/index.html
That was a good article... well thought and well written.

I find myself in a frustrating situation being poly... I am most definately poly. The notion of only loving THE ONE person for the rest of my life is quite alien to both I and my wife. (BTW, I believe that singles can be just as poly as anyone) Unfortunately, while my wife has no problem finding others to share herself with, I never seem to be able to make that connection. While there are various causes... it mostly boils down to rejection. I have all of the freedom and none of the opportunity. I have become rather frustrated and sometimes depressed about this.


Re: Spice in the Vanilla Rack
by EyeCandyRayce (aesaraymondsdottir@yahoo.com)
on Mar 11, 2004 - 08:20 AM
(User info | Send a Message) http://www.raycedesign.com/eyecandy/
Hey Devin. We should start a Seattle Poly group that isn't made up of 500 pound married people.


Re: Spice in the Vanilla Rack
by Rogue (Rogue@skew.org)
on Mar 11, 2004 - 01:21 PM
(User info | Send a Message)

Heheh, you have a good point. The express busses in Denver/Boulder were what I had in mind though, guess I shoulda been specific. Maybe they could have an ugly bus and a fun bus?


Re: Spice in the Vanilla Rack
by gothicmorman (litty_klj@hotmail.com)
on Mar 11, 2004 - 10:38 PM
(User info | Send a Message) http://
well, you could become a morman, they belive in and practice poligamy. as long as both girls your dating are alright with it whos really going to stop you? personally i dont think there is anything wrong with a three way relationship, could go for one myself except i dont think my 'ONE' would be too into that, so im perfectly fine where i am just with him.
just to pose an interesting question - wouldent children raised in a poly, gay, lesbian or any other 'weird' type of relationship grow up to be more open to new and different things in life and even be more accepting of 'non-socially correct' kinda stuff? you know just because they have grow up with this type of relationship... that or they hate being different and become totally rebelious and never talk to their family again...

the ruthless


Re: Oneness is for Half People
by Domkitten (saradevil@saradevil.com)
on Mar 12, 2004 - 09:03 PM
(User info | Send a Message) http://www.saradevil.com
"I know it seems like a tragedy to you that you can't find your other half..."

That is where I have a problem. Why is it that without a relationship to a single individual a person is only a "half". I'm not a half. I'm a whole person, dammit, and I don't need anyone to be my "one" because I already am "one". Generally what I'm searching for are my "dozen" those who will add significantly to my own "oneness" rather than taking only "half" and throwing the rest back.

I think the problem that I have with the endless search for that one person, is that it really does tend to discount the person you already are.

I think the reason that so many people think you are a weirdo is because they can't understand how you can be a whole person without the contribution of someone else.

I think the reason that mostly 500 lb couples tend to be poly and exclusive with only other couples is because they think that a single person could suddenly make there wholeness, whole+ and who wants that.

Oh wait, I want that, you want that, any self respecting human being that realizes that they are whole wants that.

I'm secretly laughing at everyone who is only "completed" by one other person. If that's really true they were never very much to begin with.


Re: Spice in the Vanilla Rack
by Tiresias (tiresias43athotmail)
on Mar 15, 2004 - 01:56 PM
(User info | Send a Message)
Ha...my first thought when I read Rogue's comment was "If you rode the bus long enough in Columbus, you'd probably see someone having sex sooner or later."

...very glad I don't ride the buses there anymore...


Re: Spice in the Vanilla Rack
by Gryphon (Gryphon_M@hotmail.com)
on Mar 15, 2004 - 08:02 PM
(User info | Send a Message) http://mandrakken.homestead.com/index.html
I really appreciate that... even if it never pans out, I at least appreciate the thought


Re: Spice in the Vanilla Rack
by fairy_ofdarkness (princess_piiti@hotmail.com)
on Apr 12, 2004 - 11:24 AM
(User info | Send a Message) http://www.freewebs.com/jessi_junk/
well said......


Re: Spice in the Vanilla Rack
by Caressia (-)
on May 13, 2008 - 01:59 AM
(User info | Send a Message)
You just said everything I was afraid to. I think its perfectly normal to want to share relationships, sex and all the what not that goes along with that. I hate lies but if your okay with another person involved, then there is really nothing to lie about because its all out in the open anyway. I think people are just too sensitive about these things, afraid to tell their partners what they REALLY like.

I really didn't realize I felt this way until I brought up having a threesome with my boyfriend. Maybe this could be my first article.


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