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| Disillusion: Stranger than Fiction? |
Posted by
chameleon on Wednesday, February 25, 2004 - 04:01 AM PST
My life is playing out like a bad novel; or rather, a novel that bogs you down midway through, with no ability to foresee what might lurk ahead. I am terrified of life after high school. I have not yet been accepted to any colleges, and I only have four… no, three (is it really that soon?) months until graduation. I desperately desire to leave the house I feel entombed in, but I do not know where to go. And that is just the beginning of my issues.
Anything can happen in a fictional book, but I doubt a book has ever been written about such a strange subject as my life. For starters, I am in love with a lesbian. Now, I am sure this has happened to others before, but has the lesbian ever said to them, “I love you too” and passionately embraced them in a gesture only lovers should be able to share? Is it because I am the only one who seems to care about her? Is it because of my personality? I know not what it is, only that I have strong feelings towards her and, by her own admission, the feeling is mutual.
My latest experience in this dream of a life that I sleep through was the first taste of marijuana. Now I know why people do drugs. The feeling was unlike anything I’ve ever experienced before of course, a combination of light-headedness coupled with a sense of having every nerve in my body ultra-sensitive, reacting not as a whole being but as an individual cell. Looking back at that night, questions arise in my mind as to whether or not this really is the good thing all my stoner friends say it is. Perhaps it is because they have parents who don’t pay attention to their kids. Lord knows my dad would kill me if he found out.
There are other things, sure, like daily school life. The administration just beat down the drama department over our choice in plays this year. We decided on Equus, but were told it was too controversial. We told the administration to shove it, and the head honchos told us we might be cancelled. Now we're doing Our Town, because it's a "wholesome play the whole family can enjoy." I don't have a problem with Our Town, but damn it, I wanted to do Equus! And then there was the scandal with the band director... So much has happened this year, it almost hurts to reflect on some of it.
My only solace is in the arms of the lesbian and one other girl. I don't know what is happening, but everyone is changing now. People I once liked and admired have become sadists prone to verbal abuse. Others who I would rely on for a reprieve of common sense in times of madness have made bad decisions and lost my respect. The strongest blow to my constitution was when my mother joined a cult of sorts. I have also lost two great grandparents and a grandfather over the past six months, and though they lived 750 miles away, it was still a shock to the system. I know it's clichéd, but family really is the most important thing. Seeing relatives break down over the casket, crying to heaven why he had to die before they made peace with him, that does something to a person.
And now here I am, typing in what seems like a stupor, a tale of life almost monstrous in it's intricacies, which I have stopped paying attention to.
I have no car, I have no job, and all I really want to do is get out of the suburbs of Atlanta. How am I going to go about doing this? I don’t know. All I want to do is lead a happy peaceful life. How hard is that?
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| Stranger than Fiction? | Login/Create an account | 8 Comments |
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Re: Stranger than Fiction?
by Squire-of-Gothos (Brian0049@hotmail.com)
on Feb 25, 2004 - 06:27 AM
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The 'burbs of Atlanta, eh? I see why you have a problem; the only cool place there is little five points. Seriously though, I've had the hots for lesbians, had my hobbbies and interests shattered by imuttable bullshit politics, craved to escape into a world that I wasn't ready for. Hell, my girlfriend broke up with me last night.
Lesbians have a funny way of showing a lot of affection to men, while not being in a romantic fashion. If you want to discuss all the signals she's given you, and what others think might be going on, start a forum for the dubject; it's pretty unique. But yeah, they have a way of fooling the hell out of you.
Stoners, ah stoners...I bled half my highschool years away on pot, and those stoner fellows are, quite simply, MORONS. Pot rocks if you have a joint every once and while-cool things down, whatever- but those losers are so deep in the sad and lonely that it's all they care about. Trust me, I was there.
Death and cults is a subject I know a scoach about: My friend has been in that nasty mind game of an organized "social community" and some of them have died (not from cults) including my cousin. I had the unique honor of burying my cousin; he's indian born, and as I'm the only relative of his that is his age, me and his father and our uncle shoveled dirt onto his coffin until he disapeared forever. There is no feeling, of honor, fear, sickness, and sadness, that can describe actually burrying your loved one. I felt something that I never had before, and it'll take me a while to figure what emotion it is. Maybe it's one just for my me. Maybe it's a feeling each person has in different ways, and it's up to you, to figure out what it means.
Seriously man, start a forum for your relationship woes, people here know, and have helped me see the light. Seriously man, it could be worse, and you're obviously more than clever and perceptive enough to articualte these issues; so you're not a lost soul. Seriously man, well...fire yourself out of Georgia, it'll kill you. Seriously man....have fun.
-Squire
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Re: Stranger than Fiction?
by Anonymous-Coward on Feb 25, 2004 - 09:45 AM
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First of all, you're definately not alone. In my senior year everything started changeing for me too. I started getting really intersted in art, fell in love with a girl (who i proposed to) and started making freinds with different kinds of people. Most of what you everything that happens in highschool is a learning experience. I learned that I wanted to be an artist someday, I learned that love no matter how deep it is may eventually fail anyway, and that my new freinds all hated each other.
It does get easier (after months of depression). the only advice I could give is to keep applying to colleges and get you're guidance counseler to make it his/her mission to get you in one. You have to ask them because if you don't then they don't care.
Oh and about the girl, you may really love her and if you do I guess you should go for it, but in the end highschool relationships usually don't last too long after highschool. If it doesn't work out you could at least say you didn't "punk-out". I've done my own share of "punking-out" and all I have is regret.
Things will get better if you do something about it, and leaning on a freind's shoulder helps too.
I hope everything works out.
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Re: Stranger than Fiction?
by anayansi (lyra_belaque@hotmail.com)
on Feb 25, 2004 - 04:30 PM
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another swamp rat, eh? well, maybe not, up state it doesn't seem to be as bad. i'm a bit below albany, and yes you need to get out of georgia. none of it is worth living in, although i could see retiring here. but the thing is, being in georgia lets you get the hope grant. the deadline is march 1st, get the fafsa online, it's at www.gfsc.org . all you need is a 3.0, it works anywhere in the state. i'm getting out of my small town and going to valdosta for nursing school, they didn't even require me to write an essay and i've been suspended 5 times and i still got accepted. i can't promise a happy and peaceful life, but it'll be about as far away from atlanta as you can get!
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Re: Stranger than Fiction?
by pandoras_choice (-)
on Feb 25, 2004 - 07:08 PM
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As I am not a lesbian, nor am I the individual lesbian you are speaking of, I can offer you no words of wisdom. I doubt you truly expected any. I can say, however, this person is an individual... While this comment may seem a little absurd, let's look at why I put it there. I believe it was a great artist who said we all have both homo and hetero sexual tendencies (don't quote me on this one, I can't for the life of me remember who said that)... That the human soul is attracted to certain attributes, be they in a male or a female. If this girl strikes a chord with your own soul, who cares if she's a lesbian?
I am so sorry about all the deaths in your family. It always seems the unfair situations of life fall at once.
I live in a tiny town in Ohio, I understand the tight admin trying to cut activities they don't approve of and the scandals with teachers...
Barely ten miles from my home, the body of a boy who has been missing for two years was found buried shallowly in his best friend's yard. Everything seems pretty f*ed up, sometimes, doesn't it?
Our school drama production is Bye Bye Birdie and it is so censored we can't say the words "cigarette," "alcohol," or "orgy- pronounced Or- Ghee, not Or-Jee..."
Life always throws you curve balls. Expect the screwed up, the mystical, the trippin' unreal reality we have. It can be pretty crazy and confusing, but sometimes crazy can be beautiful and confusing can be an illusion.
Best of luck with everything!
-pandoras_choice
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Re: Stranger than Fiction?
by chameleon on Feb 27, 2004 - 08:53 PM
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Thanks for the kind words, you all kick ass... but since you're here, you already kenw that :)
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Re: Stranger than Fiction?
by Schizo (Aranea@spidersdance.com)
on Feb 29, 2004 - 06:32 AM
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Our Town. How wholesome. I work in Peterborough, NH, and live in the town next door, and I'll tell you it's nothing wholesome.
Peterborough is a town where rich people bicker about whether they want a candy store downtown or a gift shop, and squawk about the horrors of having a decent-sized grocery-store within town limits, while poverty, drugs, and homelessness abounds, hidden behind all those picturesque little New England houses. I know, because I was once homeless in Peterborough. They care more about maintaining the "character"
of the town than allowing a low-income neighborhood to be built anywhere near them, since it would bring down there precious property values. Well, if their property values weren't so incredibly high, maybe these homeless people could afford to live!
Please excuse my slightly off-topic rant! And good luck finding direction after high-school. It's never an easy task.
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