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Illustrations: Saturday, July 26, 2003, 10:15 AM
Posted by Schizo on Sunday, August 10, 2003 - 04:46 AM PST

Illustrations
I see you.

Yes, you. You, sitting there, helpless in your battered red stationwagon. I see you; you cannot see me. You cannot see anything. Not the dashboard in front of you, not the crowd of people gathered round, the man on the cell phone, the stupid people who run to call 911, even though the man on the cell phone already has. I don't think you wanted this to happen with all the stupid people to see.

I think you wanted to be found dead, not jerking in the last, undignified twitches of life, your racked and bitterly exhausted body mechanically obeying the rhythmic misfirings of your brain. As I watch you, you seem like a clockwork man, your steadily nodding head a pendulum marking the last hours, minutes and seconds of the life of a human.

I don't think you wanted people to drag you from your summer-hot car, to lay you down on some stranger's blanket salvaged from the back of an unknown vehicle. I don't think you wanted to be whisked away to a hospital, to be placed on life-support, where people you don't know await news of your death, or your continued life in some brain-damaged and pathetic state.

You just wanted to die.

You deliberately waited after work for all the others to leave. You held a door for a late worker, and someone checked on you as you sat in your car. You told them that you were tired, and just sleeping it off before you attempted the drive home. Then, when the parkinglot was deserted, exactly when, no one knows, you drank antifreeze. It burned your lips and throat as it slid down, a chemical taste left in your mouth.

Yours was a common story. A perfect life: job, girlfriend, children; people envied you. Then it all fell apart. She left you. You must have loved her a great deal, though perhaps you didn't show it as much as she wanted you to.  The secret of what really happened lies in her conscience and in the tattered remnants of your mind.

You certainly thought of her as you sat there waiting to die. Thought of the life you had together. Thought of how it all went down. Thought of the prospect of life without her. For some reason, you could not deal with that thought. Of all the people who experience what you did, and feel how you felt, you were the one who actually could not take it. Perhaps you thought of how people would look down on you for ending your life, but apparently you didn't care.

You thought of your children, how they would be effected by your death. Maybe you cried for them. Maybe you thought you were such a screw up that they wouldn't miss you. Maybe you numbed your mind to their plight, and to the plight of all those who cared about you - your parents, siblings and friends. The devastation that filled your heart overwhelmed all these considerations.

You did not think of how it would effect them if you lived to remain a vegetable.

Soon you will lie in a hospital bed, dead to the world around you, although machines and tubes keep the heart beating and the lungs breathing.  The doctors will expect you to die.  You yourself did not expect to live this long.

I wonder what goes through your mind now.

Are you conscious of pain? Or are you lost deeper than that? What does the mind experience during a seizure, or during the aftereffects? You could tell us if you could speak. Perhaps your mind tumbles in contorted hallucinations, rather like a fever dream. Perhaps mishapen orange trees turn into your mother's contorted face, which turns into a pink elephant.  But I kind of think your mind is far too chaotic at this point to handle even that degree of lucidity.  I think perhaps spots of color explode, and sounds come and go, and you experience them all with the wonder and acceptance of a newborn, too inexperienced and simple of mind to sort it out.  Either that, or nothing.

This is your death.  Is it all you hoped it would be?




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Saturday, July 26, 2003, 10:15 AM | Login/Create an account | 6 Comments
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Re: Saturday, July 26, 2003, 10:15 AM
by Dolorosa (SixOfSwords@IU.zzn.com)
on Aug 11, 2003 - 08:23 AM
(User info | Send a Message)
Where the hell did you get the inspiration for this schiz? This is...kind of scary. I give you props for your illustrative technique...right on...but fuck, it's actually sort of scary. Scary in a good way...but I feel theres a hell of a lot more here...and I'm not sure if it's even my place to touch it...brava.


Re: Saturday, July 26, 2003, 10:15 AM
by MystryssRavynDarque (A1Mandi04@aol.com)
on Aug 11, 2003 - 10:21 AM
(User info | Send a Message) http://kauai.vibechild.com/~amanda/
I know there are some psychiatrists who would have a field day with this piece.  Good work, and as was already said, scary.


Re: Saturday, July 26, 2003, 10:15 AM
by chameleon on Aug 11, 2003 - 03:43 PM
(User info | Send a Message)
Ah hmmm.... I believe the strongest people in the world can face suicide, and come out of it, because they realize, before they commit the sin deemed atrocious by the church, that others WILL mourn, and that they are just being a tad selfish. Hopefully, this realization will change their outlook on life, and they will find a way to salvage what they have left. But, that is just my opinion... And I doubt it is all they hoped it would be.


Re: Saturday, July 26, 2003, 10:15 AM
by Shade (Shade@Gothcult.com)
on Aug 12, 2003 - 10:22 AM
(User info | Send a Message) http://www.hotelshade.com
Schiz you have out done yourself this time. That was an amazing depiction. I'm sorry to hear you had to face the reality of the occurence, but you made beauty from it's uglyness anyway. Truly well done.


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