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| Lemmings on Parade: These glorious united states... and the fucked up tards that make the laws |
Posted by
feralucce on Friday, May 30, 2003 - 04:02 AM PST
In the United States of America, I have come to be appalled by the fact that a good majority of our law makers were also lawyers. Professionally, these individuals spend their time finding the best way to rape the laws, and I find that it abhorrent that the lawyers write the laws. Or… I did.
Recently, a group of friends and I stumbled across a law that makes it illegal to engage in oral sex in the state of Missouri. After reading this absurd law, we did research and compiled a list of retarded laws from all over the place. I think we’ll start with Missouri, since that is where I am currently.
Missouri
It is illegal to have oral sex. (I’m screwed)
Hard objects may not be thrown by hand. (soft ones are apparently ok)
Worrying squirrels will not be tolerated. (There aren’t words)
Installation of bathtubs with four legs resembling animal paws is prohibited. (yeah, they might run away)
Frightening a baby is in violation of the law. (GUILTY!)
It shall be unlawful to provide beer or other intoxicants to elephants. (Ummm… ok)
One may not honk another's horn. (what about another’s nose?)
Then we move on to Louisiana, because I grew up there.
It is illegal to shoot lasers at police officers. (There goes my vacation)
Stealing an alligator could land a person in jail for up to ten years. (Well damn, now you tell me!)
It is illegal to rob a bank and then shoot at the bank teller with a water pistol. (How else do you tell em it’s all a joke?”
You may not tie an alligator to a fire hydrant (*blink… blink… blink…*)
It’s illegal for a woman to drive a car unless her husband is waving a flag in front of it. (not gonna touch it)
No person may predict another's future. (I am so busted)
It is illegal to have sex with a cow. (Please!!!)
Drive-thru liquor stores are outlawed. (wow… who’d a thought?)
Then Florida, cause I am considering moving there.
If an elephant is left tied to a parking meter, the parking fee has to be paid just as it would for a vehicle. (just don’t double park)
It is illegal to sing in a public place while attired in a swimsuit. (ummm… why?)
Men may not be seen publicly in any kind of strapless gown. (this one is a no brainer)
Having sexual relations with a porcupine is illegal. (OUCH!)
It is illegal to skateboard without a license. (skateboarding IS a crime)
You may not fart in a public place after 6 P.M. on Thursdays. (thank god for that one)
It is considered an offense to shower naked. (words defy this!)
You may not kiss your wife's breasts. (can I kiss someone else’s wife’s breasts?)
It is illegal to sell your children. (how else am I supposed to save for college)
The state constitution allows for freedom of speech, a trial by jury, and pregnant pigs to not be confined in cages. (of course… pigs are people too)
The molestation of trash cans is banned. (shoulda told me sooner)
Chickens are considered a 'protected species'. (KFC?)
Persons may not tow a sled behind their bicycles. (is this really a problem here???)
Persons may not appear in public clothed in liquid latex. (damnit, and I just got it back from the cleaners)
Lap dances must be given at least six feet away from a patron. (doesn’t this defeat the purpose?)
SO… we can see the states are nuts… let’s try the feds
October 15 is designated as White Cane Safety Day. (on behalf of everyone, I say What the FUCK???)
Persons may be placed in jail for up to five years for shooting a hole in a penny. (Like this was a real big problem)
It is illegal to give free alcohol to Indians who live on reservations. (????????????)
To be a dominatrix is illegal. (well… I better go tell evanne… she’ll be pissed!)
A US citizen can take possession of any foreign, uninhabited island, as long as it contains bird droppings. (this… honestly…is completely beyond me…)
No person may appear as a contestant in more than one game show a year. (what about the reigning champion???)
Well… We’re fucked. Shakespeare said “Kill all the lawyers.” I say, “Let them live, for they amuse me.
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| These glorious united states... and the fucked up tards that make the laws | Login/Create an account | 27 Comments |
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Re: These glorious united states... and the fucked up tards that make the laws
by bettie_x (strangersangel@hotmail.com)
on May 30, 2003 - 02:15 PM
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I believe that it is philledelphia that outlaws the painting of a horse the color blue. Who'd have thought.
In washington state it is perfectly acceptable to open a tattoo shop, no liscence, no training, no health regulations, whatever, as long as you have a sign that says "no spitting" posted.
A LOT of those laws make ABSOLUTELY no sense, but a few of them sort of scare me, because you KNOW someone HAD to do it for them to make it illegal. Like the porcupine affair. That's just begging for rotten.com 's "fuck of the month".
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Ah HA!
by Dolorosa (SixOfSwords@IU.zzn.com)
on May 31, 2003 - 08:48 AM
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::Scribbles out a new checklist for the year:: It maybe a little late to have a new years resolution and all...but this one is good enough to come in this late...I wonder how long it'll take me to break all those weird-assed laws like that...I give me five minutes.
Nice work, I've heard of some of these...and the only thing I can attribtue them to is strange occurance and weird, weird shit. >Shrug< Sad thing is...are we really surprised?
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- Re: Ah HA! by Erishkigal on May 31, 2003 - 11:52 AM
- Re: Ah HA! by Meranda_Jade on May 31, 2003 - 04:03 PM
- Re: Ah HA! by Erishkigal on May 31, 2003 - 04:09 PM
- Re: Ah HA! by Meranda_Jade on May 31, 2003 - 08:10 PM
Re: These glorious united states... and the fucked up tards that make the laws
by dead-cell (Tarant-9@stribmail.com)
on May 31, 2003 - 01:35 PM
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Seriously Funny, but I couldn't resist posting these I found.
INDIANA:
You can get out of paying for a dependent's medical care by praying for him/her. (all righty, Hail almighty Devin )
The value of Pi is 4, and not 3.1415. (so the laws of mathematics don’t apply here)
It is illegal for a man to be sexually aroused in public. (no comment)
TEXAS:
Up to a felony charge can be levied for promoting the use of, or owning more than six dildos. (This is a law why?)
Homosexual behavior is a misdemeanor offense. (still why?)
It is illegal for one to shoot a buffalo from the second story of a hotel.(but on the first and third floor its legal)
Dallas-It's illegal to possess realistic dildos. (why again?)
UTAH:
It is illegal not to drink milk. (sounds like a double negative)
It is considered an offense to hunt whales. (in Utah?)
It is illegal to detonate any nuclear weapon. You can have them, but you just can't detonate them. (damnit to hell!)
It is illegal to cause a catastrophe. (but its legal to own a nuke)
Daylight must be visible between partners on a dance floor. (cause dancing after dark is work of the Devil)
NEVADA:
It is illegal to drive a camel on the highway. (but think of the gas mileage)
Elko- Everyone walking the streets is required to wear a mask. (how odd…)
Eureka-Men who wear moustaches are forbidden from kissing women. (its not likely that men with moustaches kiss women at all)
ARIZONA:
Prescott-No one is permitted to ride their horse up the stairs of the county court house. (cowboy lawyers??)
Hunting camels is prohibited. (just had to spoil my fun.)
It is illegal to manufacture imitation cocaine. (not to mention cocaine)
Any misdemeanor committed while wearing a red mask is considered a felony. (…?)
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Re: These glorious united states... and the fucked up tards that make the laws
by Devin (devin-at-vibechild-dot-com)
on Jun 01, 2003 - 01:18 PM
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Washington has some great ones.
1) It's illegal to carry a concealed weapon more than 6 feet long.
2) In kent it is illegal to take someones virginity (who's the criminal bettie_x?)
3) when entering Seattle with the intent of comitting a crime, you are required to call up the police chief and tell him what you are going to do.
4) Lollipops are banned
5) Destroying another person's beer bottle is illegal. (Maybe not a bad thing)
The age of consent in washington is 16, but "communicating with a minor (defined as under 18) for immoral purposes" is a crime. The idea is that you can do it, but can't talk about it. (No wonder so many serial killers grow up here). The problem is, if you can't talk about it, it's non-consentual - and therefore, rape.
This is the site everyone wants to look at: http://www.dumblaws.com/
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Re: These glorious united states... and the fucked up tards that make the laws
by IamSquid (undisclosed)
on Jun 03, 2003 - 01:19 AM
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Nothing beats the $500 fine for detonating a nuclear device within the city limits of Chicago!
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Re: These glorious united states... and the fucked up tards that make the laws
by ragabash99 on Dec 10, 2003 - 05:02 AM
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I'm not sure but from what I've seen, all governments are loopy... from what i've heard (and anyone feel free to correct me on this) that it is illegal to tear the lable off beer bottles in the UK. I've been told it's considered vandalism.
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Re: These glorious united states... and the fucked up tards that make the laws
by griffith (-)
on Jan 31, 2004 - 07:33 PM
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as the wonderful Mr. Frank Zappa put it.
The United States is a nation of laws: badly written and randomly enforced.
--Frank Zappa
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