- Cynical Indulgence - (Shmeng is not a Gothic site)Mar 28, 2024 - 09:02 AM  
Welcome to  Shmeng
 Home | Articles | Galleries | Forums | Site Info | Web Links | Reviews | Register 
Articles Section

Eye Candy

Who's Online
Currently no members online:)

You are an anonymous user. You can register for free by clicking here
We have 33 guests online !

   User ID:  Pass:        Forgot Password? click here or  Join here
Preach: If I Had to Say Who I am
Posted by callei on Friday, April 04, 2003 - 05:02 AM PST

Experiences
If I had to say who I am, to write each word out, and tell what everything has meant to me, I would hope it could be said so exactly, so briefly, that I myself would feel wiser having read it.
Instead, I haven’t got a clue where it would all start. I am aware that the first decade or so of my life was a whirlwind of abandonment, near death environments and stick-thin movement in fear. I recall feeling addled and choked with fear in one deeply embarrassed event after another.

There was also a FORCE within, cheerfulness coupled with ingratiating gabbling; incessant. If people liked me and thought me harmless, silly, they wouldn’t notice me enough to bother harming me. So I formed a thought. I would stay on this path till all the danger was behind.

Still, terrified to go on, but far more fearful of standing still, I left home at eighteen almost nineteen, and moved to Cambridge.

I remained bold, cheerful, seemingly belonging, confident. Alas, inside I crept around in loneliness and fear like some delicate sweet angel caught on the conveyor belt for drop-calves in an impersonal slaughterhouse. I never gave up hope of finding a safe place full of people like me, wise enough to have found the place and weary to the bone of the filthy struggling streets.

I tried to find meaning in everything. Grey skies. Bright eyes. Harmony in sounds. Safety in plush chairs. But, people seemed so set on terrifying the life out of anyone with the dreaded evil – gentleness.

There were no poets in ordinary people there. I found no one interested in the Arts. No one willing to talk about goodness and team efforts. Just a lot of angry, impatient stiff-necked people, bent on bending the world to their frequencies. Harshness, instead of delight at the smells created by rain and bus exhaust.

Leaves and rain were a marvelous bonus there. Winter with stark contrasts and gray muddlenesses. I loved the place. But never fit in with the people. My gentle ways and laughter attracted cunning, calculating looks. Everyone seemed “about to pounce” on any spoken note of hope or carol of beauty. I never got used to them. I walked around loving the place. Waiting for rain to runnel down a curve of stone, or sunlight to glance off one window to another across the way.

The smells were heady. All with the undertow of bus fumes, cider, wood, damp earth, wet wool, perfume, rubber, the smell of brick, hot paint, cold bark, long hair, food scents, books, dry dirt, dusty roads, mold, cramped air. ALL OF IT.

But I could never find my gentle happy people. I wanted art in sunlight and music in the rain. But the noise of harsh voices, the tones of snobbery and sirens drove me to leave.

I went to Connecticut, another stirring and simple scene. The people there were more feckless and brutal than I could have prepared for. The land had made them harsh and sensible. I began to see patterns in speech to detect TYPES, most of which I avoided. The people my age seemed unhappy, not hopeful at all. Everyone drank and smoked pot. Parties and friends, and day long gossip, never changing with the seasons. But my humor fit in. I was a cynical funny contrast with my sweet gentle ways. I had personality.

One of life’s wrenching events brought about a move to California. Now this was a strange summer-land. A stillness in heat tableau.

Events in my adult world moved and shocked me through two decades there. I worked in the clay soil and forgot about parties, friends, and my Art. I talked less and watched more. But I still wanted my gentle happy people. So, I began to accumulate knowledge of any sort. What was a “bear” market? How do you adhere PVC pipe? What are the commonalties in all religious forms? I listened less to people and read more.

The phrase “early retirement” began to enter the house. I spent six weeks wrapping and boxing our belongings and we moved to Washington. This place was an early childhood memory, gray-rainy-fresh-air place. I had started to draw while here. I had been “sold” to an English couple when I was five. They filled a room with gingham and lace for me.

It was a year long respite from danger and fear, but I didn’t fit in and loneliness became powerful. The girls at school drew stick figures with large eyelashes. I was always able to do better than that. I could draw bones, birds, clowns, shoes, hands and “real” eyes. But I just learned to draw stick figures, because I had never seen it before, and I identified with it all. When I saw my mother three years later, I showed her how to do stick figures.

I was fifty-four yesterday. Today is Friday the thirteenth and it’s a full moon. My second floor windows are open and it is sixty degrees, gray, wet and smells clean. The crisp damp air has found a joint to make painful, but I am happy and haven’t lost my gentle humor.

I am not old. I am meeting life. I have reached halfway there, as the I, Ching advises.
Now, I can paint my oil onto canvases in safety … at peace. There is no end to the time I have to do this. I have all the images, smells, sounds, feelings you could want, to draw from. However, I can’t write about my life yet. I’m just at the point where you begin to see the patterns. When I have contemplated awhile, I should be able to see how all the parts fit together. But one thing has become clear. It turns out that “I” am all my happy-gentle people.



Note: My mom is an author, painter, sculpture, singer, activist, pet foster parent, mother, wife, nurse, inspirational speaker, and just about the coolest person i have ever met. This is reprinted with permission.

Related links
· More about Experiences
· News by callei


Most read story in Experiences:
My First Threesome


Rate article
Average Rating : 5.0
Total ratings : 1

5 star


If I Had to Say Who I am | Login/Create an account | 4 Comments
Threshold
Comments are owned by the poster. We aren't responsible for their content.
Re: If I Had to Say Who I am
by Meranda_Jade (Meranda@mymind.com)
on Apr 04, 2003 - 06:44 AM
(User info | Send a Message)
Callei, I identified so much with this it almost made me cry. Your mom sounds like such a wonderful lady. Thank you so much for posting this, and thank your mother for writing it...


Re: If I Had to Say Who I am
by feralucce on Apr 04, 2003 - 07:13 AM
(User info | Send a Message) http://feralucce.vibechild.com
this... makes me feel like I cannot write... well done...


Re: If I Had to Say Who I am
by Dolorosa (SixOfSwords@IU.zzn.com)
on Apr 13, 2003 - 05:18 PM
(User info | Send a Message)
Whoa...I like it alot, and not just 'cause. Readable, easily empathized with, although on a level that is aline to me because it so specifically personal. Has a faint minty aftertaste too...makes me think about some stuff. Your mom is the bizomb white buffalo!


Inspirational, to say the least
by Monolycus on Apr 17, 2003 - 07:19 AM
(User info | Send a Message)
I've been meaning to mention that I enjoyed this very, very much. It speaks of gentle but hard-won wisdom. Callei, please let your mom know that if she decides to share her voice here again, I (for one) would more than welcome it. Please thank her for granting her permission to share this.

~M.


 Home | Articles | Galleries | Forums | Site Info | Web Links | Reviews | Register 
All logos and trademarks in this site are property of their respective owner. The comments are property of their posters, the rest © 2001 by VibeChild.com Add shmeng_syn to your Live Journal Friends List. If you have a website check the webmasters section - You can get this site on your Palm Pilot using This link - By using this website, you are agreeing to abide by our Terms of Use. If you are a bot thinking of spamming members, get your email addresses here
Buy Viagra Without Prescription
Buy Vigra Without Prescription
Buy Viarga Without Prescription
Buy Cialis Without Prescription
Buy Clomid Without Prescription
Buy Levitra Without Prescription
Buy Propecia Without Prescription
Buy Kamagra Without Prescription
Buy Accutane Without Prescription
Buy Zithromax Without Prescription
Buy Amoxil Without Prescription
Buy Zovirax Without Prescription
Buy Deltasone Without Prescription
Buy Topamax Without Prescription
Buy Lexapro Without Prescription
Buy Flomax Without Prescription
Buy Flagyl Without Prescription
Buy Synthroid Without Prescription
Buy Inderal Without Prescription
Buy Tenormin Without Prescription
Buy Keflex Without Prescription
Buy Diflucan Without Prescription
Buy Lasix Without Prescription
Buy Celebrex Without Prescription
Buy Doxycycline Without Prescription
Buy Zocor Without Prescription
Buy Premarin Without Prescription
Buy Celexa Without Prescription
Buy Norvasc Without Prescription
Buy Hydrochlorothiazide Without Prescription
Buy Nexium Without Prescription
Buy Cytotec Without Prescription
Buy Misoprostol Without Prescription
Buy Neurontin Without Prescription
Buy Levaquin Without Prescription
Buy Zyprexa Without Prescription
Buy Astelin Without Prescription
Buy Zetia Without Prescription
Buy Diclofenac Without Prescription
Buy Antabuse Without Prescription
Buy Arimidex Without Prescription
Buy Phenergan Without Prescription
Buy Paxil Without Prescription
Buy Differin Without Prescription
Buy Nizoral Without Prescription
Buy Valtrex Without Prescription
Buy Plan B Without Prescription
Buy Fosamax Without Prescription
Buy Diovan Without Prescription
Buy Betapace Without Prescription
Buy Reglan Without Prescription
Buy Rhinocort Without Prescription
Buy Cozaar Without Prescription
Buy Accupril Without Prescription
Buy Septilin Without Prescription
Buy Zyrtec Without Prescription
Buy Aldactone Without Prescription
Buy Benicar Without Prescription
Buy Flonase Without Prescription
Buy Atacand Without Prescription
Buy Hytrin Without Prescription
Buy Ditropan Without Prescription
Buy Rumalaya Without Prescription
Buy Prinivil Without Prescription
Buy Medrol Without Prescription
Buy Revia Without Prescription
Buy Naltrexone Without Prescription
Buy Parlodel Without Prescription
Buy Atrovent Without Prescription
Buy Aciphex Without Prescription
Buy Zelnorm Without Prescription
Buy Motrin Without Prescription
Buy Avandia Without Prescription
Buy Tetracycline Without Prescription
Buy Epivir Without Prescription
Buy Lamisil Without Prescription
Buy Sinequan Without Prescription
Buy Levlen Without Prescription
Buy Levonorgestrel Without Prescription
Buy Anafranil Without Prescription
Buy Seroquel Without Prescription
Buy Acai Without Prescription
Buy Micardis Without Prescription
Buy Aleve Without Prescription
Buy Claritin Without Prescription
Buy Nimotop Without Prescription
Buy Toprol Without Prescription
Buy Colchicine Without Prescription
Buy Cipro Without Prescription
Buy Tofranil Without Prescription
Buy Zanaflex Without Prescription
Buy Tizanidine Without Prescription
Buy Remeron Without Prescription
Buy Cardura Without Prescription
Buy Femara Without Prescription
Buy Provera Without Prescription
Buy Desyrel Without Prescription
Buy Imitrex Without Prescription
Buy Famvir Without Prescription
Buy Clarinex Without Prescription
Buy Buspar Without Prescription
Buy Lotensin Without Prescription
Buy Exelon Without Prescription
Buy Combivent Without Prescription
Buy Ventolin Without Prescription
Buy Diabecon Without Prescription
Buy Cymbalta Without Prescription
Buy Prilosec Without Prescription
Buy Omeprazole Without Prescription
Buy Flovent Without Prescription
Buy Noroxin Without Prescription
Buy Glucotrol Without Prescription
Buy Plavix Without Prescription
Buy Glucophage Without Prescription
Buy Bactrim Without Prescription
Buy Myambutol Without Prescription
Buy Dostinex Without Prescription
Buy Aricept Without Prescription
Buy Actos Without Prescription
Buy Lukol Without Prescription
Buy Rogaine Without Prescription
Buy Ampicillin Without Prescription
Buy Lamictal Without Prescription
Buy Retin Without Prescription
Buy Lipitor Without Prescription
Buy Chloroquine Without Prescription
Buy Arava Without Prescription
Buy Adalat Without Prescription
Buy Strattera Without Prescription
Buy Cleocin Without Prescription
Buy Relafen Without Prescription
Buy Crestor Without Prescription
Buy Maxalt Without Prescription
Buy Singulair Without Prescription
Buy Allegra Without Prescription
Buy Protonix Without Prescription
Buy Vermox Without Prescription
Buy Estrace Without Prescription
Buy Coumadin Without Prescription
Buy Advair Without Prescription
Buy Diamox Without Prescription
Buy Coreg Without Prescription
Buy Avapro Without Prescription
Buy Leukeran Without Prescription
Buy Prevacid Without Prescription
Buy Requip Without Prescription
Buy Zantac Without Prescription
Buy Erythromycin Without Prescription
Buy Zyvox Without Prescription
Buy Prednisolone Without Prescription
Buy Amaryl Without Prescription
Buy Actonel Without Prescription
Buy Evista Without Prescription
Buy Vantin Without Prescription
Buy Starlix Without Prescription
Buy Luvox Without Prescription
Buy Abilify Without Prescription
Buy Depakote Without Prescription
Buy Lozol Without Prescription
Buy Xenical Without Prescription
Buy Lotrisone Without Prescription
Buy Betnovate Without Prescription
Buy Risperdal Without Prescription
Buy Methotrexate Without Prescription
Buy Wellbutrin Without Prescription
Buy Mobic Without Prescription
Buy Altace Without Prescription
Buy Augmentin Without Prescription
Buy Effexor Without Prescription
Buy Nolvadex Without Prescription
Buy Biaxin Without Prescription
Buy Detrol Without Prescription
Buy Zyban Without Prescription
Buy Elavil Without Prescription
Buy Lioresal Without Prescription
Buy Allopurinol Without Prescription
Buy Lanoxin Without Prescription
Viagra pills canadian
Buy cheap viagra online now
Buy viagra usa
Buy viagra online no prescription
Canada viagra generic
Canadian women viagra
Viagra online without a prescription
Overnight viagra
Cheap viagra usa
Cheap viagra 100mg
Cheap viagra onaline
Viagra 50 mg
Cheap viagra no prescription
Best price viagra
Buy cheap online viagra
Viagra canada
Cheapest prices viagra
Generic viagra online
Viagra pfizer online
Viagra pills
Lowest price viagra
Viagra for sale
Canada no prescription viagra
Buy viagra in usa
Viagra generic
How can i buy viagra online
Buy viagra in canada
Buy viagra no prescription
Canadian viagra online
Overnight canadian viagra
Buy viagra online
Female viagra pills
Discount viagra online
Canadian generic viagra
Generic viagra canada
Cheap canadian viagra
Viagra low price
Viagra canada online pharmacy
Buy viagra online now
Viagra price comparison dosage
How get viagra
Generic viagra overnight
Viagra buy online
Generic viagra price
Viagra how fast does it work
Buy discount viagra
Viagra buy viagra online order viagra
Viagra online
Cost viagra online
Viagra in canada
Viagra online deals
Purchase viagra
Purchase viagra overnight delivery
Viagra for women
Cheap viagra now
Buy viagra
Viagra price
Cost of daily viagra
Viagra brand online
Viagra tablet weight
Viagra buy
Buy viagra on line
Viagra paypal
Viagra no prescriptions
Buy viagra online canada
Viagra online canada
Cheap viagra without a prescription
Buy cheap viagra
Viagra delivered overnight
Buy viagra online usa
Viagra soft tabs online
Buy viagra uk
Cheap viagra pills
Viagra drug
Viagra online no prescription
Generic viagra professional
Order generic viagra
Natural viagra
Buy viagra online wthout prescription
original brand viagra
Buy viagra professional
Low price viagra
Best viagra price
Buy cheap canadian viagra
Next day viagra
What is viagra professional
Viagra from canada
Levitra vs viagra
Buy cheap viagra usa
Viagra lowest price
Generic cialis canada
Cialis generic
Cheap canadian cialis
Cialis 100 mg
Cialis low price
Canadian generic cialis
Cialis pills
Best price cialis
Cialis canada online pharmacy
Cheap cialis usa
Buy cialis 20mg
Buy cialis online now
Cialis price comparison dosage
Canadian women cialis
How get cialis
Generic cialis overnight
Cialis buy online
Generic cialis price
Cialis how fast does it work
Buy discount cialis
Cialis buy cialis online order cialis
Cialis online
Cost cialis online
Cialis in canada
Cialis online deals
Buy cialis online no prescription
Purchase cialis
Purchase cialis overnight delivery
Cialis for women
Cheap cialis now
Discount cialis online
Buy cialis
Cialis 5 mg
Cialis 50 mg
Cialis price
Cost of daily cialis
Cialis brand online
Cialis tablet weight
Cialis buy
Buy cialis on line
Cialis paypal
Cialis no prescriptions
Buy cialis online canada
Cialis online canada
Cheap cialis without a prescription
Buy cheap cialis
Cialis delivered overnight
Buy cialis online usa
Cialis soft tabs online
Buy cialis uk
Cheap cialis pills
cialis drug
Cialis online no prescription
Generic cialis professional
Order generic cialis
Natural cialis
Buy cialis online wthout prescription
Buy cheap online cialis
original brand cialis
Buy cialis professional
Low price cialis
Best cialis price
Buy cheap canadian cialis
Next day cialis
What is cialis professional
Cialis from canada
Levitra vs cialis
Buy cheap cialis usa
cialis lowest price
Buy cialis online
Cialis pills canadian
Buy cheap cialis online now
Buy cialis usa
Canada cialis generic
Cialis online without a prescription
Overnight cialis
Cheap cialis onaline
Cheap cialis no prescription
Cialis canada
Cheapest prices cialis
Generic cialis online
Cialis pfizer online
Lowest price cialis
Cialis for sale
Canada no prescription cialis
Buy cialis in usa
How can i buy cialis online
Buy cialis in canada
Buy cialis no prescription
Canadian cialis online
Overnight canadian cialis
Female cialis pills