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| Humor: Overpopulation: Solution |
Posted by
Geist on Monday, January 20, 2003 - 04:12 AM PST
There is an immediate threat looming over our lives, a threat menacing in its locality and severity. The Earth is being subverted by overpopulation, and it's all because of the Irish. This filthy race of humans has striven for years to outnumber the rest of the world by reproducing over and over, feeding their need to procreate with thick ale and lilting flute music. There is only one way to stop the Irish, and that is by splicing all of the world's potato and barley crops with a genetic disorder, Klinefelter's Syndrome. Through consumption of genetically mutated crops, the Irish will become infertile, thereby guaranteeing their extinction. Our world will be freed from the burden of the Irish, ensuring peace, harmony, ponies, and unbiased love.
It is a commonly known fact that the diet of the Irish consists solely of potatoes, beer, and small amounts of dirt. Because of this singular habit of eating, the Irish consume more beer and potatoes than any other race on the planet, making it a perfect device through which to spread the disorder. When the entire Irish population consumes this mutation, the number of humans will gradually increase less and less per year, solving the worldwide problem of overpopulation.
Klinefelter's Syndrome is a fairly common genetic disorder which renders males infertile. The cause of this is an extra X chromosome in the genetic makeup of the boy, resulting in little or fair facial hair, enlarged breasts, and minimal to zero sperm production. Though it is not noticeable that there is a problem in babies and young boys, when they reach eleven to twelve years of age there is a definite lack of masculine growth or change in their body. Klinefelter's is not life-threatening, nor is it painful; the disorder simply disables any man from producing sperm, thereby preventing him from procreating! This is the ultimate way to cease the production of Irish babies on our planet, a plan that will not fail.
But why do this to the Irish? Does it not seem a bit inhumane, taking away a person's ability to reproduce? There is an integral point that needs to be brought to light about this issue: the Irish are attempting to take control of the world. There's no other explanation for their mass breeding, lack of birth control, and senseless drinking! England saw this a while back and put her thumb down on the nation, keeping it from flourishing and becoming its own country; the Irish have been covertly producing more children than any other race in the world since then in order to overthrow the forces of the rest of the world. Their filthy living conditions and remarkable working habits only serve as a ruse, deceiving the rest of us into thinking that they have nothing evil up their sleeves. But let me tell you, I know what they're up to. I know.
Being of Irish descent myself, I know firsthand of the atrocities surrounding Irish culture. I have been subjected to a number of Irish relatives droning on in their slurred, drunken lilt about the superiority of the Irish and how someday they will conquer the English and have a country for their own. I took these words as they are: a threat to humanity. Once they finish off England, who's to say that they won't go on to larger prey, like the United States? Or Africa?
In order to carry out this tremendous task of ridding the world of the Irish, stealthy and skillful recruits will be needed. Across the planet, Klinefelter's will have to be laced into potato and barley crops thoroughly to ensure that every plant is affected. The crops will then be shipped to beer factories and grocery stores, spreading over the world like a bad rumor to the unsuspecting Irish. The redheads will consume the potatoes and alcohol in massive quantities, thereby becoming infected with the debilitating Syndrome! By and by, the entire race will die out, and factoring in early deaths caused by drunk driving and alcohol poisoning will drop the number even faster, solving our world's problem efficiently and without any suspicion.
I have gone over in my head many other solutions to overpopulation, and the one described above is the only answer that will work completely and safely. Simply shooting down all the Irish is messy and harsh; slowly poisoning their water supply seems a bit time-consuming and isn't necessarily foolproof. And deporting them to a remote planet is too expensive and resource-wasting, besides just being plain silly. I've thought about drilling a hole to the center of the earth and dropping the Irish one by one into the molten lava, ensuring permanent removal of them, but after a short while that seemed a bit impractical. I could surround the country with giant speakers and blast Sinéad O'Connor until the populace's ears bleed and they collapse on the ground spasming, eventually dying of brain damage. But after careful thought of all these alternatives, I realized that they were all less than satisfactory in their effectiveness and resulting joy.
The idea of millions of red-haired, skinny, dirty children commanding lunch lines in school fills my mind with terror; imagining our cities overrun with crass, beer-bellied drunkards calling out to their wives about when dinner will be on the table causes me to retch and quake. I'm afraid of what this world will become in the near future. Will we be subjected to relentless coalmining stories by our elders, despite the same tale being told over and over? Will restaurants do away with classic dishes in favor of scalloped potatoes and Guiness? What will we do when our government becomes so filled with Irish that our country declares 5:00 the national hour of rest and drinking?
The answer is simple. Destroy the Irish! Not by gassing, not by dolphins; this has to be accomplished through genetics. By rendering the Irish infertile with Klinefelter's Syndrome, there is a 99.998% chance that all of the world's problems will be solved, not just overpopulation. Also, while the Irish are going through the process of dying out, the rest of the world will not have to endure their hijinks through drinking and brawling nearly as much, since the Syndrome adds an extra X chromosome to the males. With less testosterone in their systems, Irish men will be less inclined to show each other up at bars after 5 rounds of ale, resulting in less neighborhood disturbances! Little Irish boys will not feel as much need to participate in manly sports such as soccer or rugby, which will cause less havoc during World Cup.
Another uplifting result of the decimation of the Irish is more ponies on the earth. These furry, loveable creatures have been oppressed by the Irish for hundreds of years; they've been subjected to cart wielding, coal mines, and little grubby Irish child hands. Connemara ponies are a favourite for families in the highlands who are too lazy to walk anywhere themselves, and have quietly endured the whims of humans, asking nothing in return. I'm afraid that if we don't do something quick about the number of pony-oppressing Irish on Earth then soon little furry horses everywhere will rise up in revolt, stampeding rampant towns and feasting on small children. These once docile, gentle creatures will become demonic flesh-eating monsters, avenging ones who fell before them in the name of humanity. I don't want to see this happen to our world. We must eliminate the Irish now.
If we want to live to see the next generation healthy, free, and sane, then we must act immediately. The threat that is boding across our humble earth will strike at any moment, in any place. We could wake up in the next morning to a society controlled by raucous drunk redheads, all looking for a "good time". If we don't want our public pools to be filled with beer instead of water, if we don't want our produce to be sold rotten and worm-ridden like in bad Irish poverty films, then we must begin the spreading of genetic disease right away. The time for change is now.
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| Note: I'm considering Geist for the title of Shmeng Propagandist (notice the masterful use of ponies?). Original Article is here -Devin |
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| Overpopulation: Solution | Login/Create an account | 12 Comments |
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| | Comments are owned by the poster. We aren't responsible for their content. |
Re: Overpopulation: Solution
by Domkitten (domkittenish@spanking.com)
on Jan 20, 2003 - 06:25 AM
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The ponies, won't somebody please think of the ponies.
Geist, I reccomend you read the book "The White Plague" by Frank Herbert (of Dune fame). It establishes a situation which is similiar to the one proposed by you, with a different twist. It is amazingly dark and well written, and I think you would enjoy it.
As to the Irish, well, I'm just happy the the irish save civilization. I would have been worried otherwise.
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Re: Overpopulation: Solution
by Arthegarn on Jan 20, 2003 - 01:37 PM
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And there is more proof of what Geist says. Think about the proliferation of Irish bars, pubs and taverns all over the world! These friendly-looking establishments are not what they appear to be: the irish gather there to discuss their strategies on world domination and be lectured and informed. They just disguise these terror bases under wood and leather, their quiet planning under happy gigs, and the bitterness of their motives in the sweetness of their beers...
And you don't know the best... the Terrible allies of the irish who drink just as much as they do... The evil people who also have a debt to settle with the English since they stole the formula of Chocolate and breed as fast as they do. Yessss...
TREMBLE IN FEAR ALL YOU WASPS
HAWHAWHAWHAWHAW
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Re: Overpopulation: Solution
by bettie_x (strangersangel@hotmail.com)
on Jan 20, 2003 - 04:39 PM
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Please please please don't take away my potatoes in their many fabulous personalities and my beer! PLEASE!
I'm not irish, but there's nothing in the world better than garlic mashed potatoes and good beer.
*sniff*
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Re: Overpopulation: Solution
by Dolorosa (SixOfSwords@IU.zzn.com)
on Jan 20, 2003 - 07:23 PM
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You can't forget Irish...-shudder- midgets. Freaking Lerperchauns man, anybody who wears weird little shoes with buckles on 'em and has stubby lil' fingers, man they got to go! And everyone connected with 'em...dirt eatin' little monsters...rrr...
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Re: Overpopulation: Solution
by Geist (tattooedslacker@yahoo.com)
on Jan 20, 2003 - 10:35 PM
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And what will this title do for me ? Will women flock to me in droves ? Will it make me wealthy beyond my wildest beliefs ? Perhaps famous and known throughout the lands... Or will it cook for me, maybe even do my laundry ? Maybe just my socks...
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Re: Overpopulation: Solution
by IamSquid (undisclosedgettheaddressfrommeepersonally)
on Jan 21, 2003 - 02:33 PM
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Okay well, being the American offspring of an Irish family I can say good luck. My family are the kind of people that could have a piano dropped on them and they'll still manage to show-up for Mass on Sunday.
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