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bettie_x's birthday. Spoil her.
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| Articles: Spreading Holiday Cheer |
Posted by
Kira on Wednesday, December 11, 2002 - 04:01 AM PST
Yes, the holiday season can certainly suck. After reading the "Holiday high jinx" forum I realized that over the years I have come to deal with them in my own special way. I offer a short list of things to make the holidays a little better, or at least a little more entertaining:
-Organize a Baby Jesus stealing league. Get four (or more) friends together. Split into two teams of two. Agree to meet back at a safe location in two hours. Whichever team comes back with more plastic baby Jesuses (Jesi?) wins! Be sure to hit every subdivision you can think of, and plastic baby jesuses from "professional" manger scenes (churches, funeral homes, statehouse, etc.) get double points! Watch out for dogs and don't get arrested!
-Get a bunch of friends together to go Christmas carroling. Drink large amounts of cider with rum. Go from house to house singing dressed in Dicken’s era winter garb. Make sure no one knows the correct words or harmonies to any of the songs you will be "singing." Ask for a donation before you move on to the next house.
-Open up the phone book to a random page. Choose a name. Send this person a Christmas card detailing how terrible your life has been lately. (My girlfriend/husband/wife just left, my dog died, the house burned down, I have terminal hemorrhoids, but otherwise things are great so have a nice Christmas!)
-Open up the phone book to a random page. Choose a name. Send this person a Christmas card from a person who has been dead a long, long time. (Beethoven, Cleopatra, Hitler, etc.) Make up a humorous return address for the envelope.
-Yank one bulb out of string of Xmas lights on neighbor's house. As soon as they replace it, yank one in a different location. Wash, Rinse, Repeat.
-Announce loudly in the toy store the story of when you first found out that Santa Claus was your parents. (This is truly evil.)
-If you are a cute female, get as many other cute females as you can together and go sit on Santa's lap (at the same time) at the mall. Pay the $10.00 for the Polaroid, scan it, and make it your Xmas card.
-If you are not a cute female...what the hell, do it anyway.
-Spike the holiday dressing with copious amounts of marijuana. Watch the family get along for once on Xmas.
-Rearrange the Nativity figures in stores, relatives’ houses, etc. into compromising positions and inappropriate little scenes of kinky orgies. Don’t forget to include the donkeys and sheep! This is hours of entertainment!
-Celebrate Waffle Hanukah. On Xmas eve/Xmas day when you need to escape your family the most, there is never anything open. Waffle House to the rescue! WH is open 24 hours a day, 365 days a year. You will be surprised at how crowded it is. Order a pecan waffle and coffee. Draw anti-Christmas sentiments on napkins and give them to people in the restaurant. Play the "Waffle House Song" on the jukebox. Play it again, and sing along. If you don't have a WH in your area, I feel sorry for you. Last year during Waffle Hanukah I got to see a fight between two redneck guys with mullets.
-Wrap up a HUGGEEE black double ended dildo in festive paper. Write "To: Grandma, From: (insert name of family member you don't like) on the tag. Leave gift under tree. Have your camera ready.
-Get awful presents for everyone at the local thrift store. Watch them squirm as they open their gifts and pretend to like what you got them. Act as sincere as possible.
Above all, try to make the best of things. Even if your family is fighting, you hate Xmas music, and you can’t afford the mindless consumerism anyway… remember… there is always cheeseball. Mmmmm….cheeseball…
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| Spreading Holiday Cheer | Login/Create an account | 12 Comments |
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Re: Spreading Holiday Cheer
by Closetgothbabe on Dec 11, 2002 - 10:37 AM
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I love the Santa Claus idea...gonna do that one asap. Get me and my friends to dress up in our punk gear and make sure our skirts are real short. My family will just love this!!! *evil grin* Oh and of course I think I will have to flip the camera off just to let everyone know how much I love them.
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Re: Spreading Holiday Cheer
by bettie_x (strangersangel@hotmail.com)
on Dec 11, 2002 - 11:46 AM
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Kira baby you put the fun in dysfunctional holiday cheer.
My sister (the one I don't get along with very well) is coming up for xmas this year instead of thanksgiving, and she never tells me what she wants, so I threaten underwear.
I'm getting her wonderwoman underoos...complete with wonderwoman styled tanktop.
maybe I'll just get her a bottle of booze and a little plastic toilet so she can reinact last year's thanksgiving at grandma's.
It should be fun. Fun fun fun.
I hate christmas....
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Re: Spreading Holiday Cheer
by DarkMistress (shad0wdweller@yahoo.com)
on Dec 11, 2002 - 11:52 AM
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I believe my brother would really appreciate the marijuana idea. That could be his Xmas present from his loving sister..hm...
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Ho! Ho! Ho!
by Monolycus on Dec 11, 2002 - 03:58 PM
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Very creative! Although the flash forwards in time to the reading of Grandma's will when everyone discovers that the relative who took the rap for the dildo is the only one left in it might raise a few eyebrows.
Semi-Interesting Trivia: If you go to the Waffle House on westbound Route 70 (about twenty minutes southwest of Columbus) between the hours of ten pm and 6 am, make sure that you are served by Ruthie (she looks vaguely like Patty or Selma from the Simpsons). When she is on duty, play the Waffle House Song on the jukebox. She will swear loudly to anyone who will listen that she is the one who recorded it.
That Waffle House is also on the site of a former Stuckey's which was able to boast the greatest number of post-1975 Elvis Presley sightings in the world. I, myself, saw him there before the Stuckey's was knocked down and again a few years later at an A&W stand south of Racine, Wisconsin. Sadly, I don't think he remembered me.
~Monolycus.
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Re: Spreading Holiday Cheer
by Merry_Widow on Dec 11, 2002 - 07:24 PM
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Mmmm..waffles....
I love Christmas!
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Re: Spreading Holiday Cheer
by Meranda_Jade (Meranda@mymind.com)
on Dec 11, 2002 - 07:55 PM
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Did the Jesus-napping thing back in high school. Thanksgiving night. We went on a spree... stole baby Jesus out of his manger and left him on someone's doorstep... took a potted plant and put it on another doorstep... taking the flag was a bad idea... and it was unfortunate that the police caught us with it in our possession.... being that Middletown is the prime breeding ground of the Midwestern Redneck, we were all branded anti-american communists and our mothers were called. Some of us would have preferred to stay in jail...
I agree though, Kira. Cheeseball... definitely cheeseball...
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Re: Spreading Holiday Cheer
by IamSquid (undisclosedgettheaddressfrommeepersonally)
on Dec 14, 2002 - 03:19 AM
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Hey, those are really good! That even beats the girl on the radio who tried to out-tacky her neighbor (who was taking it all very seriously) with Xmas decor and decided to make a garden gnome nativity scene along with Sant'as sleigh pulled by flamingos!
The only one like that I have are for Halloween, my friends used to give out either chocolate-covered laxatives or caramel covered onions!
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Re: Spreading Holiday Cheer
by pixy on Dec 15, 2002 - 09:29 PM
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yesssssssss, just when I thought xmas was going to be unbearable this year *grins cheesily* mmmmm cheese balls my only saviour who needs jesus when there's cheese balls........ ccchhhhhhhooooooooo...............
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Merry fucking christmas
by angelofdarkness on Dec 17, 2002 - 05:30 PM
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I used to actually like the holidays. Then I noticed how my entire family acts. I don't think I've been to one party this year without someone making me cry. I guess the cheese ball is all that's left.
It'll never betray us.
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