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| Feature: Alternatives to Pickets |
Posted by
Devin on Sunday, June 02, 2002 - 04:02 AM PST
Most of you are aware of my distaste for the ideal of the typical monogamous "True Love" relationship and Nuclear family. Because I'm always having to explain my living situation to people who just don't get it, my roommate and I are always venting about how people would be a lot happier if they would expand some of their definitions a little bit. We've been having a lot of these conversations lately, so I figured it was about time to write down some examples of other stuff that works for those that have been complaining about their relationships not working, but not thinking about what it would take to make them work.
I've been wondering since high school why there's not more words for relationships. You've got friends, fuckbuddies, lovers, girl/boyfriends, spouses, and all of the family words. If you're lucky enuf to be from hawaii, you've also got ohana and the family words that don't necessarily mean blood family. Aside from that you pretty much have to recycle those words and explain yourself for days to make the other person understand where you stand.
Sisters:
The reason this came up in high school is that I didn't really consider the first girl I slept with to be my girlfriend. She was one of my best friends for sure, but I thought of her more as my sister, except that we had sex all the time (and no it was not weird). Most people thought we were an item, and I'll admit it did look that way at first look. At that age I don't think people have enuf communication skills to have normal polyamourous relationships (I certainly didn't), and we were constantly trying (with varying success) to set each other up with our friends. That's not something high school sweethearts generally do from what I've seen. We weren't fuckbuddies tho - we were inseperable, and way more cozy than a normal fuckbuddy thing.
Projects:
A while back I did a project with a schizophrenic crackhead. She was the girl who's full name nobody knew but if you said "Lithium Michelle" everyone on the island knew exactly who you were talking about. I usually call stuff like that projects - but reccently I've gotten some sneers for explaining it like that. I think the sneers come from people who have tried to do projects and have had them fail hurtfully. I don't do projects unless I know they'll work. I've watched friends (mostly girls) take a messed up junkie boy and think they can fix him and they always end up getting trampled. Successful projects are a whole different thing, and incredibly satisfying - even if they do take a lot of energy. Not that I'm recommending going and finding a crazy of your own, but if you know you can do it and how you're going to do it, and you know it'll work AND you know you have the energy to finish what you started - I'd highly recommend it. I spent a few months with this girl and we learned a LOT from each other. It's really amazing what you can learn from someone who has no concept of reality. I'm sure the public perception was that we were dating, but basically I was her shrink (and her student). I'm glad I don't have a license or I'd be in jail (and not just for sleeping with her), but after years of licensed shrinks she was still a mess when I got her, and now she's doing good. I'm still not sure what to call that kind of relationship, since project doesn't really work. Maybe someone has an idea.
GothyBaby:
A few years later, I found a street brat and adopted her. She was up here visiting me a few weeks ago and kind of got this thought process going again. I just call her my GothyBaby since there's really no other word that works at all. I think of her as my little girl, except that we have sex sometimes, and always sleep nekkid and pressed closer together than I can sleep with anyone else. And no, it doesn't seem weird in the least. I remember when I first found her, I wasn't sure what I was going to do, so I found someone I didn't know and explained everything to them and asked what to do. They said they didn't know, it sounded like a lot of work, but if I did keep her, she was going to love me more than anyone else ever, and they told me not to decide lightly cuz it wouldn't be the high school "GothyBaby and Devin 4 eva", it would really be literally forever. It seems they were absolutely right. She's living in California now with her awesome girlfriend and is completely happy and getting to be really fuckin cool :)
Best Friend:
For those of you that want a more standard relationship, with the appearance of normalcy, and the shacking up and all that - might I recommend the Best Friend. I placed an order while I was out on one of my Mom's (another subject entirely) porches, smoking too many cigarettes and talking about life. She asked me for all of the details about what I wanted and made suggestions for the stuff I didn't know. I said my next girlfriend was going to be a Saggittarius Redhead who looked a little like Tori Amos but not exactly, and that she was going to be fun and share good, and be classy and punky and about the coolest person anyone I know had ever met (among other things). I figured if I was ordering my perfect girl, I might as well not hold anything back. I figured it was a pretty tall order so when mom told me to forget the conversation, I did. Then a week later I met her. She bounced up and said hi to the little blonde friend I was with, and the first words I ever said to her were "I love you too, what's your name?" A few weeks later, I saw her at a club and when it was closing, she said she was gonna take me home with her and fuck me. We didn't get around to having sex for a few days, but we were instantly best friends, and ended up living together for about 2 years (starting that night). All of our friends were jealous that we had the perfect relationship, but couldn't understand why we slept with other people. They didn't really think maybe that was why it was so perfect. See, when I was placing my order, I forgot 2 things (maybe because I was talking to a mom). I forgot to mention that she should be my type, and that we would have really good sex. She was certainly delicious, but not really my type - and the sex was fun and friendly and very cozy, but we both knew we'd had better. So instead of doing the expected thing and breaking up so we could find yummiers, we just stayed together and found yummiers anyway. We used to say just because we had our cake and were eating it too, there was no reason not to have sprinkles. Anyone who's ever dated a Saggittarius girl can probably understand their need for variety, and well... leo boys.... duh... She's still my one of my best friends, and I expect she always will be. How many of your exes can you say that about?
Wife:
Back to my current living situation, this is what has me thinking about this stuff enuf to write all of this. The girl I live with is by all appearances, my wife. We joke about the fact that she cleans the house, spends my money, does my laundry, cooks, cleans my house - and doesn't have sex with me. That's right, unlike all of the other girls on this page, I have no intention of ever having sex with her. She's certainly delicious (although not quite my type), but that's just not the vibe. We thought about actually getting married once but the tax benefeits ended up not being as good as we thought they were. My work has "domestic partner benefeits" though, and due to the whimpy conservative way they're worded (corporate speak for 'gay lover' where they don't actally say that you're having sex with the person), she fits the definition enuf to be considered my "domestic partner". We usually use the word roommate to explain it (unless we're joking, then she's my wife), but that word doesn't really work since we're way more cozy than that. We don't share a bed, we don't cuddle, we don't even get naked around each other, but we're certainly way more cozy than roommates. She probably understands me better than anyone else, she's the only person that understands EXACTLY what kind of girls I like, and she's psychic enuf to know what I need and make sure I get it without having to ask. Roommate also implies that the person pays rent, but we've never even talked about it. And yes, it's fair.
I have a bunch more examples I was going to write, but these all got longer than I was expecting. I think that's enuf tho to show that you can define your relationships however they'll work, and you don't have to try and make them into what other people think they should be. I've never seen a "happily ever after" romance work well, but I haven't had to bitch to a friend about the person I'm with in about 10 years. My relationships seem to be much happier than the ones around me, and they all tend to last forever if I want them to. Funny how the "Happily ever after" ones don't seem to do that. Someone told me once when we were talking about this that either 2 billion people were wrong or I was wrong. At this point it would take a lot to convince me that there is a right way for relationships to be and that I'm not doing it, so apparently 2 billion people CAN be wrong. If anyone would like to try and convince me otherwise, I've had that conversation about a half a million times at this point. The wall's right there, I even chalked an X on it where you should bang your head. I hope this helps someone realize that there's other ways to do stuff, and you don't have to complain about your signifigant others if you're willing to be as eccentric as you like to think you are.
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Average Rating : 5.0
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| Alternatives to Pickets | Login/Create an account | 32 Comments |
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Re: Alternatives to Pickets
by MorteAscendo on Jun 02, 2002 - 05:07 AM
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Devin, do you have a machine that could take me back a few years and i'd could live your life for awhile. Shit, the last 7 years of my life have been stuck in a drug, computer hacking haze that brought me to the military. Hee hee...just say that im a tad jealous.
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Charlton Heston?
by Dolorosa on Jun 02, 2002 - 06:16 AM
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I'm going to have to alter my normal definitions of things for awhile...it might make my life that much easier. In light of recent personal events, Devin...your words enlighten as always. Perhaps I don't need to reevaluate myself, so much as I need to change my volcabulary yah?
Mad props for the way you think.
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Re: Alternatives to Pickets
by callei (plyn@plynlymon.com)
on Jun 02, 2002 - 09:40 AM
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Brothers (for me at least) give you cumfy sex when you arent in the mood to go out and then eat ice cream with you afters and tell you that yes, those pants do make you look fat.
Boyfriends are the ones that you pretend to date so that your friends wont figure out that you are actually spending your time with a girl.
Husbands are something to be avoided at all costs, but hubbies are something to be treasured. you share living costs, chores, and toys with hubbies. you divorced husbands.
There are also lovers, those people that you dont see that often and dont have a deep friendship with. instead you have great chemestry and dreamy sex with them. they are a retreat from the yuckiness of everyday life where you both get your egos regrown and come away with shakey legs and a big grin.
lets not forget good friends that you have slept with in the past and probably will sleep with again, have no hangups about being naked in front of, and ogle thier , um, the people that they may or may not be having sex with.
there are people that you can share sex with, or share intimacy with, or words, or secrets, or fun, or one of a thousand other things. and each "type" of relationship is different and unique and perfect in itself. Each one is necessary to being a whole person.
sex does not make a relationship, nor does a relationship mean sex. and just 'cause there is sex and snuggles and all that yummy stuff doesnt mean that its all the sex or snuggles or yummy stuff that you need/want from just one person. that is waaay too much pressure to put on someone you care about, them having to be the fulfillment of all your dreams, needs, wants, desires, whims, hopes, and all the various social pressures and models that we deal with everyday.
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Re: Alternatives to Pickets
by VampCourt (Morbidchic@hotmail.com)
on Jun 02, 2002 - 11:17 AM
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i think you (devin and cal) have very good points. everyone does have thier own ideas on what makes a reasonable sex life/relationship. some people cant even handle doin the muliple person thing.. some people cant even deal with one person.. but.. its nice to see that there is people in this world who are sane and <i>can</i> handle such. :) You guys should meet my Poly Friend amy. her views are much like yours.. :)
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Re: =(
by necromancer on Jun 02, 2002 - 12:27 PM
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*sigh* wish more people thought like that; i've had similar things in the past and was never sure what to call them... still don't have a label for my fav relationship of all time with two bi men.
anyway, as far as this thing goes that i'm in now, i guess you could call it a 'project', in a different sort of way
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Re: Alternatives to Pickets
by callei (plyn@plynlymon.com)
on Jun 02, 2002 - 01:41 PM
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http://angeleschapter.org/gls/amusing/poly.htm
kinda a nice list of things to avoid if you want a warm bed and a warmer heart
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Re: Alternatives to Pickets
by Schizo on Jun 03, 2002 - 04:48 AM
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All this stuff of course depends on a lot of trust. It would be difficult for me and the B.F. to let each other play, because of the trust issues. But we have been talking about three-somes recently! I don't think we're ready for it yet (I don't think I'm in a position to do ANYTHING yet!), but eventually, I'm open to the idea. Just not with the psycho-slut!
I think the B.F. kind of fits under 2 categories now, with a 3rd potential. He's my best friend (now that he's got his head straightened out a bit) and my project (which is why I never really gave up on him, even with his head all fucked up), and now it seems he could end up filling the hubby slot (the kid helps with that). We're keeping it monogamous for now. I think things are complicated enough without bringing in more people at this point! But when things settle down, and the trust issue is taken care of, I can definitely see how other people could add a lot of fun and spice to our lives!
We'll see - I don't want to force things just because I agree with something in theory. Just because I'm open to something doesn't mean I have to do it if it doesn't work naturally. And there seems to be a low percentage of truly yummy people in my area. Bummer.
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Re: Alternatives to Pickets
by Ianthe99 on Jun 03, 2002 - 01:55 PM
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It's really too bad more people don't think this way. It might cut out *some* of the nasty jelousy that seems to go with mono relationships. The only true mono relationship I ever had was in H.S... lasted for 8 years on and off. Only problem was.. he kept finding other things he liked.. either cheating on me, or dumping me. I always felt bad if I was attracted to another guy. It's so much nicer to be *allowed* to look at others.. flirt, or whatever.. with honesty.
The lifestyle seems to take some figuring out tho. It sucks when it's a lot easier for one partner to find "playtoys" then the other. I'm really starting to dislike the term "fuckbuddy" too...seems to mean, "I'll sleep with you , but I don't want to talk to you, hang out with you or anything else"..*sigh*.
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Re: Alternatives to Pickets
by Ianthe99 on Jun 19, 2002 - 01:00 PM
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Yeah.. I knew how to take Rogue's comment.. the lol above *should* have wound up under his comment. Even if I had never spoken to him before, it was kind of obvious he was joking.. and only a closed-minded uptight twit would have gotten offended. Oh.. waitaminute... *wink*
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