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| Articles: The Blade of Bittersweet. |
Posted by
Dolorosa on Saturday, June 01, 2002 - 06:23 AM PST
It seems trite, trivial, painful and so stupid to even write this...I should have known, I was warned, sevenfold...but god damn...I was so happy. For but a brief moment in my viceral and miserable little life, I was fucking happy. And then comes the Blade of Bittersweet, and upon the ground at my feet lays something I can only dimly recognize as my heart.
I knew, my cards, my dreams and so many others told me. But fuck, love tasted so good, so filling. For once in my entire fucking life I could actually fucking smile. I could breath, I could laugh and I could dance, and my heart and soul were fucking luminous.
I knew it was too good to be true...but if only that silly, stupid little dream had gone on for just a moment longer, just a breath longer...it would hurt so much more, but I would still wish for it.
It's over...
It had only just begun and it's already so very bitterly over. I don't know if I did anything wrong...maybe I just wasn't good enough. Maybe I wasn't strong and handsome enough, maybe I just simply wasn't enough...
I came home from work this morning, stopped by to say hello to my beloved Blonde girl, that stranger I met and fell for so totally. I feel like such a fool now, I know because of this I have reduced myself to such a paltry statisitic.
She stuck her head out the door, hair still wet from the shower, that adorable gleam in her eye and beautiful smile. We chatted briefly and I went on my way. About halfway down the hall, the Sight fucking kicked in and I damn near passed out right there. My legs buckled and I just fucking dropped.
I managed to get to my room and shake it off, it was a long night, I was tired...yeah, that was it. So I change, I shower, I sit for a moment. Then I decide, hey, if she's up already...I'll ask her if she wants a cigarette or something, just chill for a lil' while. I reach the same spot in the hallway...this time I accidently bite my tongue so hard when the shock hits me I draw blood. I keep on going, trying to figure out what the fuck is happening...and then I smell him, and hear them. And in that precise, perfect little whisper of my existance...my heart, which I take so much stupid pride in, breaks into so many jagged little pieces. I could feel them under my foot as I walked past the room. I didn't stop...I just kept on going. My vision blurred, my broken heart fucking sped supernova and I got insanely sickeningly dizzy.
I stumbled out to the smoke deck, and I saw her friend. The second she saw me come out, our eyes locked and I fucking knew. The weird thing is, the white-hot rage hadn't set in yet...just absoloute and total sadness. I earned my fucking nickname right there. She looked back at me, and I just stood there, pale as a ghost...shivering, and she got the saddest look in her eyes. She said she was so "sorry" I couldn't really do anything. I just asked for full confirmation, to prove that I wasn't being a jealous, paranoid asshole...I got it. And then everything just snapped.
I'm not sure exactly what happened next. I remember going to my room, getting my blade and cutting a line from one side of my palm to the other, to the bone. I put my handprint on a piece of paper...walked back out, passed her door...and I could still hear them, I could hear her laugh. Such a beautiful sound.
I slid the paper against the door and then kicked the unholy living shit out of it but once...and took myself straight to the ER.
Her roomate watched me come in, and even put the stitches in for me. I told the nurse that I had been doing handsprings and backflips in the smoking area and found a piece of glass. It was weird...I was like a freaking zombie. I couldn't cry, I couldn't hurt...I couldn't even hate, and hate is so fucking EASY! I just wasn't fucking there.
The Brunette girl fixed me up and told me about them, The blonde girl went out that night, went out to the local marine bar and picked up some no name marine. Then they proceeded to go home and fuck the shit out of eachother. The Brunette girl told them, and demanded that they get the hell out of the room (They were breaking several legitimate rules) But The Blonde Girl blew her off and they just went at it.
Was I that worthless? Was I that much nothing to her that I wasn't even worth a moment of second thought. I doubt theres even guilt, or anything for me...and I don't know why. I don't know what I did...or didn't do. I don't know why I failed so fucking miserably.
I have suddenly and brutally lost every fucking ounce of self worth I ever thought I possessed.
When I finally came home, I found my door open, the few things she had of mine on my bed. And suddenly, perfectly...I was alone again.
It happened so fast, so brutally, I still don't know what to fucking think, and when I see her again...I don't know what to fucking say, if I can say anything...and the part that really does frighten and disgusts me the most...is that I still fucking love her, I feel like such a desperate and drowning fool...but I still love her...I just don't understand.
All I want to do is drink, fight, maybe even truly hurt something. Anything to get it out of me, to chase this away and just fucking disappear...I don't want to be, but suicide IS NOT nor was it EVER an option...which sucks, 'cause if it were, it'd be a fine looking one (Don't worry folks...it ain't happening...I will survive...I just don't know how, or what will be left of me right now.)
I feel empty, lost...my shadow is gone and my reflection looks back at me with digusted eyes.
But I will not go down with a whimper...
I refuse to fade entirely...as much as I want to. I'm too proud dammit...I will go out in blaze, and I will be remembered. If only by my epitaph.
It's been awhile since I got the cut sealed...and I'm still bleeding. Only on the inside right now.
Looking at my words...I know how petulant and pathetic I sound, how much the simple common brokenhearted fool...but fuck.
I thought I was ready...I was wrong.
I'm dying inside...and I can't even fucking cry.
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| The Blade of Bittersweet. | Login/Create an account | 6 Comments |
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Re: The Blade of Bittersweet.
by Shade (Shade@Gothcult.com)
on Jun 01, 2002 - 09:49 AM
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Not to put too fine a point on it, but there are a few things that come to mind...Was she so terrified of the feelings you were bringing up in her that she had to go bang someone just to see what the rest of the world looked like without the Dolorosa lenses in place? Is she perhaps just that way? (I dated one of those) The type that can love hard ... for a week. is monogamy that important to you? (I know, that's trite in the face of your heartbreak, but maybe it's something to look at. Take another look at the messages you recieved throughout the bloom of the relationship and try to see them without either the lens of love, or the lens of betrayal, maybe there is more there, maybe not. I know what I'm saying is not all that comforting, but if you just want comforting...Poor Dolo, I hope your heart mends. I have been there myself and I know the pain you're going through. If you need to talk, you know where to reach me.
-Shade
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Your True Friend......
by MorteAscendo on Jun 01, 2002 - 11:09 AM
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Dolo,
You have been my best friend for the entire year that i have been on this god forsaken island. You have seen me through my fathers cancer, The bitch from cali, Lacy, Guen and any of the other hard ships that i have gone through. I love you like a brother, and i know that nothing could come between friends like us. You know that i will always be there for you. Just like the many tripes that we have delt with before, we will work, and party our asses off at Mike's place (our new favorite bar) eat the $5 dollar sandwich, get sloshed and go home to DVDs and Ambien. The depression that we have suffered from here on the island has been from the lame girls that we fall for. But in the End, its you and me.
Plus,
Who eles am I gunna find who will help hide the bodys.
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Re: The Blade of Bittersweet.
by Dolorosa on Jun 02, 2002 - 05:08 AM
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Agh! No blondes!! ::Grins:: Actually...I know it sounds silly, but I have been feeling better already...must be just one of those things. Still, if I killed the guy, I wonder how much better I'd feel...
I know it'll take some time though...man, I'm just not as fun when I'm all heartbroken.
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Re: The Blade of Bittersweet.
by Ianthe99 on Jun 06, 2002 - 07:14 PM
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No blondes? How about a redhead and a brunette? Go listen to some good post-breakup music, Ex-lover's lover by Voltaire comes to mind. (Thanks to Devin for cluing me in to Voltaire!)
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