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Humor: Warning Labels
Posted by callei on Monday, April 08, 2002 - 04:11 AM PST

Entertainment
Ever wondered what warning labels would be like if I wrote them? Ok so many that has never crossed your mind, but now that I have said it, I bet you are intrigued. Here are some that I came up with today.

Warnings for alcohol:
Drinking alcohol may cause you to act like a brain-damaged weasel in heat.
Drinking alcohol may cause temporary damage to your vocal chords and hearing, and will certainly cause damage to other people's hearing.
Drinking alcohol may cause your already precarious sense of style to diminish to that of a colorblind, attention hungry magpie.
Drinking alcohol may cause your friends to ridicule you mercilessly the morning after.
Drinking alcohol may cause shock therapy the morning after, when you see what is sharing you pillows or what you are using as a pillow.
Drinking alcohol may cause a change in religious beliefs, sexual orientation, or other radical lifestyle alteration, especially if the drink is blue.
Drinking alcohol may cause you to eat things that buzzards would refuse.
Drinking alcohol may cause you to think that you are invisible, indestructible, or Jackie Chan.
Drinking alcohol may cause immense hospital bills, therapy bills, and legal bills even if you aren't caught.
Drinking alcohol may cause you to think that everyone else wants to hear those stories…. again.
Drinking alcohol may cause you to think that you are a super model, rock star, or royalty. Remember this is only temporary.
Warning may cause a hemorrhage in you wallet.

Warning for coffee:
Coffee may be hot, do not chug.
Coffee may be cold, do not chug.
Coffee may be old, avoid at all costs.
Warning, this coffee was brewed by people that drank heavily last night.
Warning, this coffee was brewed by people that think decaf taste the same as real coffee.
Warning, this coffee was brewed in a coffee machine older than you.
Warning, this coffee will eat through the cup in under 10 minutes.
Warning, this coffee is sweetened.
Warning, this coffee is NOT sweetened.
Warning, use in moderation, may cause irritability, anger, rage, violence, weeping, anti-social behavior, social behavior, kindness, love, gentleness, and sweaty palms.
Warning, only drink if there is a bathroom near by so that you can pee there and not on someone's car.
Warning, coffee may cause premature cynicism.

Warning on Condoms:
Warning may cause a funny taste in your mouth.
Warning may cause delayed ejaculation.
Warning may cause spontaneous fits of giggles in one or more partners.
Warning this is not candy. Do not swallow.
Warning this is not a cat toy, either in the package or out. Do not use as a cat toy or I will come kick you ass for you then turn you over the REAL pet lovers. They will call you Fifi…
Warning, this provides some protection from some social diseases, but not all. This provides no protection for foot-in-mouth disease, inappropriate laughter during quiet moments, or witty banter.
Warning, do not use if full of jello, soda, beer, chips, chocolate, ice cream, salad, or any other foodstuff or hair care product. The above may contain oil that will damage the condom.

Warnings on cigarettes:
Warning, may give you wrinkles or may reduce wrinkles if they keep you from stressing…
Warning people in California will chase you down and lecture you about second hand smoke. They often become quite hysterical. This can be a fun way to kill a boring Sunday afternoon.
Warning may cause slow lingering death. However, so does life, so take yer chances.
Warning may cause slow rupture in your wallet.
Warning may cause you light your hair, clothes, bed, bathroom, car and coat on fire almost daily, depending on how klutzy you are.
Warning may cause strange people to try to bum them off you in loud voices in dark clubs. See condom warnings…

Warning loud music:
Warning may cause brain damage, anti-social behavior, over use of make-up, outrageous clothing issues, and possible inclusion in a misunderstood subculture.
Warning may cause sex or dancing.
Warning may cause singing in some individuals.
Warning may cause the desire to wear scanty clothes.
Warning may cause some people to think that they are cooler than thou, but this is easily treated in most people.
Warning may cause large investments in stereo components and frequent evictions.
Warning may cause difficulty in understanding what that cute person said to you, or what their phone number was.


Note: Yet one more dull Saturday night.....

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Warning Labels | Login/Create an account | 6 Comments
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Comments are owned by the poster. We aren't responsible for their content.
Re: Warning Labels
by Shade (Shade@Gothcult.com)
on Apr 08, 2002 - 05:54 AM
(User info | Send a Message) http://www.hotelshade.com
Remind me not to read your comedy late at night when I'm trying not to wake you up. Too funny darling!


Re: Warning Labels
by Ironboots on Apr 08, 2002 - 05:56 AM
(User info | Send a Message) http://ranger.vr9.com/Flash.html
Oooh I hate that! Not being able to hear what a cute person is saying... Takes me 15 minutes just to get past introductions with all the "what?", "could you repeat that?", and such... Stupid loud djs... and it isn't even -good- music they're playing loud! *storms around*


Re: Warning Labels
by Sardonic-Pain (Lilgothicchicka@yahoo.com)
on Apr 08, 2002 - 06:06 AM
(User info | Send a Message) http://
hehe Thanks I needed a laugh today! And maybe you should write the lables then people would actually understand what the hell those warnings mean


Re: Warning Labels
by jadedraven (smithsm@alfredstate.edu)
on Apr 08, 2002 - 01:37 PM
(User info | Send a Message)
well...as far as the loud music thing, it can be a blessing in disguise, since in order to hear that person you have a perfectly legitamite excuse to get REAL close to them and put your lips right up to their neck...er, ear.

You forgot the vampiric effects of a hangover in the alcohol part (you know avoidance of light, sleeping all day and all that)


Re: Warning Labels
by goathead (toxic@hotbrev.com)
on Apr 08, 2002 - 01:56 PM
(User info | Send a Message) http://
Mmm, I really liked that first one on loud music =)


Re: Warning Labels
by bettie_x (strangersangel@hotmail.com)
on Apr 09, 2002 - 09:23 PM
(User info | Send a Message) http://bettie_x.tripod.com/strangeasangels/
Damn, where were those alcohol warnings when I turned 21? *sigh*
When properly sauced, I tend to believe that I am:
A) a karaoke diva (see "rockstar")
B) a very large, strong, angry man
(see "jackie chan")
C) popular

You also forgot
"may cause you to forget which end of the cigarette gets lit"
"may cause you to make friends you'll wish you hadn't"



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