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Humor: Flight Safety Information
Posted by Devin on Wednesday, April 03, 2002 - 04:12 AM PST

Entertainment
I was flying to San Fransisco this weekend, and the stewardess reading the flight safety information had the whole plane looking at each other like "what the fuck?" (Getting Seattle people too look at each other is an accomplishment). So once we got airborne, I took out my laptop and typed up what she said so I wouldn't forget. I've left out a few parts I'm sure, but this is most of it. Before Takeoff

Hello and welcome to Alaska flight 438 to San Fransisco. If you're going to San Fransisco, you're in the right place. If you're not going to San Fransisco, you're about to have a really long evening. We'd like to tell you now about some important safety features of this aircraft. The most important safety feature we have aboard this plane is... The Flight Attendants. Please look at one now.

There are 5 exits aboard this plane, 2 at the front, 2 over the wings, and one out the plane's rear end. If you're seated in one of the exit rows, please do not store your bags by your feet. That would be a really bad idea. Please take a moment and look around and find the nearest exit. Count the rows of seats between you and the exit. In the event that the need arises to find one, trust me, you'll be glad you did. We have pretty blinking lights on the floor that will blink in the direction of the exits. White ones along the normal rows, and pretty red ones at the exit rows.

In the event of a loss of cabin pressure these baggy things will drop down over your head. You stick it over your nose and mouth like the flight attendant is doing now. The bag won't inflate, but there's oxygen there, I promise. If you are sitting next to a small child, or someone who is acting like a small child, please do us all a favor and put on your mask first. If you are travelling with two or more children, please take a moment now to decide which one is your favorite. Help that one first, and then work your way down.

In the seat pocket in front of you is a pamphlet about the safety features of this plane. I usually use it as a fan when I'm having my own personal summer. It makes a very good fan. It also has pretty pictures. Please take it out and play with it now.

Please take a moment now to make sure your seat belts are fastened low and tight about your waist. To fasten the belt, insert the metal tab into the buckle. To release, it's a pully thing - not a pushy thing like you're car cuz you're in an airplane, hello!

There is no smoking in the cabin on this flight. There is also no smoking in the lavatories. If we see smoke coming from the lavatories, we will assume you are on fire and put you out. This is a free service we provide. There are two smoking sections on this flight, one outside each wing exit. We do have a movie in the smoking sections tonight, hold on, let me check what it is... ....... Oh here it is, the movie tonight is Gone with the Wind.

In a moment we will be turning off the cabin lights, and it's going to get really dark, really fast. If you're afraid of the dark, now would be a good time to reach up and press the yellow button. The yellow button turns on your reading light. Please don't press the orange button unless you absolutely have to. The orange button is your seat ejection button.

We're glad to have you with us on board this flight. Thank you for choosing Alaska Air, and giving us your business and your money. If there's anything we can do to make you more comfortable, please don't hesitate to ask.



If you all weren't strapped down you would have given me a standing ovation wouldn't you?



After landing...

Welcome to the San Fransisco International Airport. Sorry about the bumpy landing. it's not the captians fault. It's not the co-pilot's fault. It's the Assphault. Please remain seated until the plane is parked at the gate. At no time in history has a passenger beaten a plain to the gate. So please don't even try. Please be careful opening the overhead bins because shift happens.



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Flight Safety Information | Login/Create an account | 11 Comments
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Re: Flight Safety Information
by Meranda_Jade (Meranda@mymind.com)
on Apr 03, 2002 - 05:12 AM
(User info | Send a Message)
that is unbelievably funny... wonder if this is a part of a new program to make flights more light-hearted so people won't be as nervous, or if it was the fact that this particular stewardess has become a fatalist, and has just decided to have as much fun as she can while she can...


Re: Flight Safety Information
by Xaoswolf (Xaoswolf@hotmail.com)
on Apr 03, 2002 - 05:28 AM
(User info | Send a Message) http://Xaoswolf.tripod.com
Either there's too much oxygen in the flight attendant's compartment, or not enough. Either way, it sounds like it was an interesting flight


Re: Flight Safety Information
by gothvail (vail@gothicamateur.com)
on Apr 03, 2002 - 07:10 AM
(User info | Send a Message) http://www.gothicamateur.com
Don't you love it when people who don't have to, try to make life a little more entertaining for the rest of us? I wish they would do this on MY long flights. Seattle to London can be a boring ride if you don't being a good book!


Re: Flight Safety Information
by VladII (vladII@seznam.cz)
on Apr 03, 2002 - 10:02 PM
(User info | Send a Message)
really thank you for this article. it is really very funny. i have to try this flight too :))
Vlad II


Re: Flight Safety Information
by Arthegarn on Apr 04, 2002 - 11:44 AM
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Yep. Pity she didn't say it in French as well, for example.


Re: Flight Safety Information
by goathead (toxic@hotbrev.com)
on Apr 06, 2002 - 06:33 PM
(User info | Send a Message) http://
haha, that's hilarious!


Re: Flight Safety Information
by Thorn on May 31, 2002 - 07:09 AM
(User info | Send a Message) http://green-rose.net
Oh lord that's funny. I laughed while I read, and I laughed afterwards when I remembered it. Seven people in the computer lab are now staring at me as if I were the most horrendously rude person on the face of this earth. How great! I just wish that'd happen on my flights. You've got to figure that flight attendants would be rather fatalistic. Their plane could crash into mountains or the like at any time. And if they survived, they might get eaten by hungry passengers. ...


Re: Flight Safety Information
by ThatOneWastedChick on Aug 26, 2002 - 07:13 AM
(User info | Send a Message)
........ Mommy.... I'm scared.....


Re: Flight Safety Information
by Closetgothbabe on Oct 01, 2002 - 03:18 PM
(User info | Send a Message)
lmfao....I needed some good humor today and this did the trick *still laughing*.


Re: Flight Safety Information
by Devin (devin-at-vibechild-dot-com)
on May 21, 2010 - 02:35 PM
(User info | Send a Message) http://devin.vibechild.com/
Amusingly enough, somehow snopes.com has gotten a hold of this post, and has it listed on their site as not being true. I've emailed them about it, but they completely ignored my message. I didn't even get a form letter response. Unfortunately, since I clearly remember typing this up - it kind of negatively impacts my opinion of their credibility. It's a shame too, because I enjoyed being able to go to that site and be pretty confident in their assessment of wether something was true or not.


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