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| Articles: generations of the unloved |
Posted by
bettie_x on Tuesday, March 19, 2002 - 04:04 AM PST
We all like to believe that we stand on the right side of the line...proudly sporting our "good guy" badges. Believing that we would be all willing to step in and help a stranger, a child, someone in distress. But would we? When should we?
Now what brings this question about....
I was working a particularly hellish saturday...four day weekend, military payday, tax returns coming in, you can imagine. This woman comes in with two young boys about 8 and 10. She has one of my young floorworkers find her an outfit. Jenna (the young floorworker) comes up to me and says "there's a lady in the dressingroom who wants to wear out her new outfit, can we do that?" She seems nervous, and I simply say "yes, just have her come up so I can get her sensors off the clothes and the tags to ring her up"
"I think she's drunk, she doesn't even know what city she's in".
Dealing with these people all the time, I just sighed and said "well, I'll handle her, just send her to me. We'll cash her out and get her out asap."
So this woman comes up....staggering fucking drunk, reeking of booze, and very beligerent. F this and F that and my boyfriend Fing loves me and he gave me 50 bucks blah blah blah and almost slips backwards and falls right on top of me. Proceeds to ask us when we get off work (jenna and I) and wants to know if we wanna go get drinks after work. Supressing the urge to say "well, I would, but you've seem to have gotten a jump start on me" and simply said "Well, jenna isn't legal and I would rather not".
So I rang her up, $130 bucks worth of stuff that she's wearing, and she can't find her money...the money that her loving boyfriend (pimp? Drug dealer?) gave her... starts fishing out birhtday cards from her purse and ripping them open and taking money out...just a few 20's....kept asking me if it was enough, kept telling her she needed about 80 bucks more.
Then she started in on her kids.
"Where's my F ING MONEY! Where's my F ING COAT! Go FING GET IT!"
To her children! In front of everyone! She kept yelling at him "where's the change from that money I gave you! FING give it to me now!"
The kid retreated behind a glass case, she followed him, grabbed him and pulled him close and was snarling something to him, the boy cried "I don't have your money you spent some of it earlier"
She called him a liar, that she didn't, that she would know (even though the bitch couldn't remember where she had left her coat which was right beside her).
I"ve spoken up against people when I've seen them abuse their children....I just didn't know what to do. Not at all. She was already sauced, getting agitated, and I knew anything could set this drunk bitch off. I didn't want her kids to get hurt. I finally told her to go and take off what she was wearing and we'd figure out what she could afford, just so I could get her out of my store. I handed her change to her son and told him to give it to his mother, and he seemed loathe to even go back and be near her.
We called security, told them we had a drunk woman in our store with children, suspected she had intention to drive in her condition with the children, and that she was abusing them right in front of us, was very beligerant and were worried she was going to flip out and hurt someone.
She finally left....and security tailed her, unable to do anything as she hadn't officially broken any laws.
She wasn't driving (yet) she hadn't caused a commotion (yet) and they didnt' see her strike her boys (yet) and their hands were tied.
The reason I felt I couldnt' say anything is that this woman was so far gone, saying anything on behalf of her boys, I feared, would cause her to leave and beat the shit out of them when she got home for "embarassing" HER. I was at a total loss, which is uncommon for me.
When do you feel it is okay to step in?
What situation warrants it....any? I agree with any, but I also feel that if it's gone on this long and this far, that someone's "stepped in" before, LONG before, and it's continued anyway or become worse in spite or perhaps because of it.
Options...call the cops, have her arrested and what of the boys? To be let back into her hands when she's out, clean but furious and dying for another chance to binge?
Call CPS and let the boys fall into the hands of unstable and numerous foster homes? Homes of the preverts that slip through the cracks, to something worse?
I see parents do this all the time. Their kid is fiddling, bored and unattended. Does something they probably wouldn't do if properly entertained or supervised. The parent SCREAMS at them:
"What is wrong with you!?"
First off you NEVER say that to a child..EVER.
And what is wrong with them? THEIR PARENTS.
Their PARENTS are what's wrong with them...born unfortunately to unappreciating selfish braindead dolts that don't see their children as a source of joy and happiness, but as a burdenous and irritating source of endless aggravation. And think of unprotected or conscientious sex as "unromantic" and then curse and bitch and "woe is me" when they turn up pregnant. Then go and do it again.
My best friend is soon to be a single mother any week now. WHen she first called me up and said "hey, I'm pregnant" I asked her what she was going to do.
She said "Well, I guess I'm going to be someone's mother, so I better get to work"
If anything existed to bless this example of responsibility and love, they'd place her on a pedestal for all to see. "I better get prepared"
How many people say that? They blame the man, they blame a god, they blame their own fucking child who didn't ask to be born.
And people wonder why kids are so fucked up...why adolecent violence is so prevalent..why kids are so angry and despondent and out of control. Well you dumbshit studytakers, look at who their rolemodels are! Irresponsible, reckless, uncaring, unattentive, unloving and abusive parents!
Video games and movies and comic books and music aren't to blame...it's the trackwork laid down by stupid stupid people that don't care enough about their own flesh and blood to know if they need help, counseling, even goddamned LOVE.
When I see these kids, I feel guilty for the unconditionally loving and supportive and supervised childhood I had thanks to the two best parents in the world. I hate knowing that they will never have a life like that...to not fear coming home...or fear mom or dad coming home sober OR drunk. To know that their parents don't care where or with whom they are with.
And these kids will grow up to be like their parents, and have children like them, who will never know security or love.
This, not some coming apocolypse, superstorm, divine hand or plague, will doom us. Generations of the unloved.
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| generations of the unloved | Login/Create an account | 32 Comments |
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Re: generations of the unloved
by gothvail (vail@gothicamateur.com)
on Mar 19, 2002 - 06:25 AM
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I love children. I cannot wait to be a mother, though I expect it will be a few years yet. A just can't bear to see people mistreat children in any way. I have thought about becoming a foster parent once I finish college. That woman you dealt with was a bad mother, and I can't imagine that there are many foster homes in which those kids would be worse off than they were with her. I know it is a terrible thing to take a child away from his or her parent, and I would rarely advocate such a thing. But I think if we had to get a license to parent, this woman would fail with flying colours. How are these kids going to turn out? What chance do they have if they don't get the love they need?
I've always thought it was kind of funny in a sad way that the people least qualified to raise children often get the jump start on us responsible folks and have many more children than we ever would. Hmmm.... Maybe smart people should start having broods of 10 or 12 kids again.
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Re: generations of the unloved
by Meranda_Jade (Meranda@mymind.com)
on Mar 19, 2002 - 07:34 AM
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I once had a friend and her daughter staying with me, after she and her husband split up... I did everything I could to help her, but she was intent on going out and celebrating her newfound freedom, mostly by going out and getting drunk, and sleeping with as many toothless redneck losers as she could find... neglecting her daughter and putting her into dangerous situations... one day, the poor kid did something (I can't even remember what it was) to annoy her mother, and the woman flipped the kid over onto her bed, and started PUNCHING her in the back... I told her, "That's enough" ... she stopped, and I told her that she'd have to find somewhere else to stay, because I couldn't have this kind of behaviour in my house. She went, and about 2 years later, I heard that they'd put her kids (she'd had another by then) in foster care... she actually had the gall to call me up, crying and wondering why they would do such a thing... sometimes these people actually have no idea they're doing something wrong... it's really sick. I didn't call children's services, because I was afraid the daughter would be put in a worse situation... I tried to help her by putting a roof over her head for a little while, but I had my own kids to consider, and they didn't need to be seeing such violence, even if it wasn't directed at them... I did all I felt I could do. There's not much someone can do in these situations...
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Re: generations of the unloved
by FireGoddess (bethany_zanke@hotmail.com)
on Mar 19, 2002 - 08:23 AM
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When I was growing up, my best friends mother was usually in jail, and she lived with her grandmother and a bunch of other kids, the people taking care of them were either kids themselves, or needed to be taken care of in some way. She spent most of her time at my house, and it seemed like she was doing ok, but then she started getting into more trouble, and doing things I never imagined would happen to her. She was a really good kid, but she got drawn into what she had tried so hard to avoid, I don't talk to her much anymore, but I think about her alot, about how different her life could have been, how much it would have helped her if someone stepped in and changed things for her. Parents who just let their children raise themselves and each other seem to be just waiting to escape the responsibilty they brought on themselves. I don't know why these people get away with it like this, I guess no one's willing to step in and say how wrong it is.
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Re: generations of the unloved
by Comedian (comedian@callatg.com)
on Mar 19, 2002 - 03:28 PM
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Video Games aren't to blame.
Hot damn.
Time to go GTA style bustin' skulls, hellz-yeah damn shit fuck!
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Re: generations of the unloved
by jadedraven (smithsm@alfredstate.edu)
on Mar 19, 2002 - 03:52 PM
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most of the time, i am pretty good at keeping myself under control, bu there are certian things that set me off BIG time. Big people abusing those that are smaller (children) pisses me off, I got goosebumps just reaidng your story. Had it been me, i would have said something-and lost my job for it probably. I applaud your candor in the matter, trying not to make her more angry then she already was. In cases like that, you really have to wonder if the child is better with that parent, or somewhere else. Havng never been in foster care, I do not profess to know what goes on there, but I would assume that in at least some cases, a child is better off in foster care. I have worked in supermarkets, and seen women scream in their childrens faces, even slap them in the store, and it disgusts me, you are teaching nothing to a child but hate, and violence. Kids will be kids, and some people just don't get that. Some people don't deserve to breed. I love kids, and if I had one, I would cherish him/her like the precious beings they are. Remember that line from the crow, somethign about how mother is the word for god in the minds of children. I do believe that, and I believe that that is a huge responsibility, and you should do anything possible to make sure that your child in nurtured, and most of all knows that they are loved.
I don't want to group the two, but incidentally, also animal abuse does bother me in much the same way, its that whole big person abusing something smaller and more vunerable
I apoligize for the rant, but this realy does set me off, it just makes me so goddamned mad!!!
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Re: generations of the unloved
by bettie_x (strangersangel@hotmail.com)
on Mar 19, 2002 - 07:07 PM
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That's just it, you have to weigh the options. Some kids are actually worse in foster situations, I've had friends who were foster children for a while, and I've heard horror storries that'd curl your hair.
Not all foster homes are like that...but it's scary to think you'd be further endangering that kid AND taking him away from the only home he's known.
And usually with people like the woman I've seen, I'm sure someone's said something before. I'm sure she's good at cleaning up her act superfast when the CPS agents pay a visit. I'm sure every time she get's home when someone's said something to her about the way she treats her children, they get a sound beating for making mother look like a fool and for "misbehaving".
Two times in the last couple months I've stepped up I went all out on them. A mother stooped and screamed in her child's face "What the fuck is wrong with you!!?" (he was THREE YEARS OLD)
and the kid promptly started to cry, much to the irritation of the mother. SHe swatted at his face and I turned from the coffee girl and said "You want to know what's wrong with him? YOU ARE! I'd be misbehaving too if I had a mother like you!"
She said "Bitch don't you tell me how to raise my kids" and I said back "Well maybe if you had a goddamned clue I wouldn't have to say something. He's THREE GODDAMNED YEARS OLD, cut him some slack. I ought to call the cops, lady."
She muttered some insult and started away and I just turned and said "Trash. White fucking trash. poor kid" and she turned, glared, and kept going.
Another lady was carrying a screaming toddler out of the mall (who was probably tired and hungry and had been there too long anyway) and she put her balled up fist two inces from her face and said "If you dont' shut up I'll pop you"
I was sitting with some other mall employees and I shouted "yeah, bitch, give her something to cry about so I can give YOU something to cry about"
She looked shocked, embarassed, and angry.
"What the fuck did you say to me?"
"You heard me. I'd cry too if you were my mother. Shame on you."
THe girl had stopped crying, and at a loss for words she turned and resumed her path to the car, hugging her daughter.
It makes me absolutely sick. Sick sick sick and angry.
Don't get me started on animal abusers...*snarl*
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Re: generations of the unloved
by ill_Behaviour (-)
on Mar 20, 2002 - 04:09 AM
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I wholeheartedly 100% beleive that the problem children and later adults come form inadequate and just sheer bad parenting, if you dont bring your children up with respect and love teach them values morals and right from wrong you end up with more fucked up people within society. You cant expect TVs and video games to raise children. TV IS NOT A BABY SITTER. Im not blameing TV or even video games. hell who dosent love switching on the tube and vegin out or kicking some ass on the PS2. But too many parents shove there kids in front of that screen and then complain when the kid gets bored or wants attention cries because she/hes hungry. And when the kid gets out of hand because hes not getting the good attention all the child gets is bad attention the parents make excuses, like my childs ADHD or ADD, what happens next the kids on fucking prozac or some shit like that. (i dont actually know what they prescribe for that, i think its ritlin or something)Cases like this is just one part of the problem.
People need to start taking responsiblity for there actions and not find excuses, if you find yourself suddenly with a child, dont fuck with their lives because you think your life is fucked. I hear so many people bitch and whine about their kids, how they havent got a life anymore, how much more of a life do you want theres NEW life right in front of you, it just adds to your life makes it richer and i think anyone thats had or have children would agree.
Its not a burden its a blessing theres nothing better than bringing up children wathcing them grow and learn developing a character. Try just watching a child at play one day, it blows my mind. Too often we underestimate the level of inteligence of children sometimes they show more logic and wisdom than some adults.
Thats what i think anyway.....
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Re: generations of the unloved
by Shade (Shade@Gothcult.com)
on Mar 20, 2002 - 01:05 PM
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When I was a kid I saw the hell my parents went through just because they were together. When I became an adolescent with thoughts of my own I learned about things like cyclic parenting (Repeating the parenting techniques of your parents), when I became an adult in the eyes of the law, I had a doctor go Ginsu on my tubes. Actually he used a tiny electrical device and there isn't even a scar that I can find (Pout) but it cost me 400 dollars and approximately half an hour of my outpatient time. OK, I couldn't have sex for about ten days after that as well, but now, I never have to worry about doing to some poor sod what my parents did to me.
I just wish people would think before they reproduce. If they need more money than they have, get it elsewhere, become armed robbers even, hell if they fail then they either get three squares a day, or it doesn't matter because they bit it in a shoot-out. But at least theyu aren't spawning a little duplicate of themselves.
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Re: generations of the unloved
by Alugarde on Mar 20, 2002 - 06:09 PM
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What if there were mandatory foster parent liscenses? That would at least eliminate the assholes depraved enough to ruin a child's life for money. And personally I think if theres even a chance of a child getting a better home that chance should be taken. They may be ripped away from all of their friends and everything they know, but if they aren't then they may not know later in life what a friend is or some other shit depending on how their parents fucked with them.
Personally I think we should develop reliable technology to untie tubes, and then just tie everyone's tubes at birth and force them to pass a parenting test to get them untied. No more assholes fucking with their children, no more teen pregnancies.
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Re: generations of the unloved
by bettie_x (strangersangel@hotmail.com)
on Mar 21, 2002 - 09:27 PM
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Foster parent liscences? HELL, you have to get a liscence to own a dog in some states, you have to go through rigorous testing and interviewing and waiting and $$$ just to adopt, one of the kindest things anyone could do, but you don't have to have a liscence to HAVE a child? That is B.S. You can have as many children as you want or DON'T want, as some cases may be, without any reprocussions...HELL, you get REWARDED...tax breaks, state provided day care (and welfare) the WIC program *snarl*, and an excuse if you don't make anything out of your life. Hell, just blame the kid...I'm a low life because just before I made something out of my life I got knocked up and now I'll be in the gutter forever because of my kid.
If not a liscence, parenting school and psychological exams should be mandatory the day you are pronounced invaded by planet baby.
MANDATORY. Fines if you refuse to attend (of course there would be a variety of parenting techniques, and be able to choose your "class" to avoid cultural/religious pissing offings)
I've known several upstanding, responsible, MODEL single/unwed mothers who should shine to the world as examples of humanity (danielle, schitz, my old boss, a young girl I used to work with etc). The rest of the idiotic insane abusive bitches and assholes out there ruin their image, dull their shine and it makes me angry that they would fall into a stereotype of "single mom" and what that's come to mean.
I had a great childhood, but I've got a short temper, a big mouth, and an unstable brain at times. If I CHOSE (which I will NEVER "oops" and be a hypocrite) to have children, I know where I need help, and I'll take appropriate action to prepare myself for children unless my demeanor changes drastically (which it does when I'm around children...for some reason they like me *shrug*)
I'll be responsible, prepared, and not "one of them"...I'll never have people look at me and my child and say "that poor kid".
There was actually one story I saw on television, where a woman was having a horrible day, her child was misbehaving to such an extreme, she felt she would loose it and hurt them. She called 911. She said she feared she would hurt her child and needed help immediately. They sent police, they took her and her child to a close family friend's house to stay for the day, and she went immediately to talk to someone to ease her tension and work out her problem, then sought counseling to better learn to deal with her stress and her child when he misbehaved.
What a wonderful woman. She saw the abuse coming, welling within, and STOPPED IT. Stopped it BEFORE it happened.
Why can't every mother, single or not, have the sense of mind to do this? To call for help instead of letting herself break apart and ruin her child's life?
And just to let you know, my friend danielle had her son on monday...his name is spencer and he's got reeeed hair and is practically adorable. And she gave me another dose of birthcontrol via delivery pictures. Thank you dano!
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Thy name is legion.
by Dolorosa on Mar 21, 2002 - 10:08 PM
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Agh...how come you always bring up thoughts that leave me awake overnight? Questions like that are hard, probably impossible to answer correctl. The modern ages version of a brutal zen koan. What is the sound of one hand clapping translates into what do you do before someone starts smacking? I don't know, nor do I even have a good idea. Myself,I believe on evaluating on a case by case basis, but thats unrealistic...and personally, I tend to fly off the handle at even the simplist of injustices. I've proven to myself a couple times that my Paladin-complex can actually make things much worse for people. Situations like that are enough to make me dream of empty plains and uninhabited forests...so I can just get the hell away from all of it. My father hit my mother once...so I poisoned his morning cup of coffee over the next three weeks and sent him to the hospital, he thought god was punishing him. But something worse could have happened...I could have killed him, or he could have found out and went ballistic...any number of thins. Too many god damn variables, we are human beings, nothing more, nothing less...I believe in a higher power for the simple fact that there has to be SOMETHING out there that can figure these hings out...however, society in general has convinced me that human beings aren't really capable of it, at least I'm not. I'm going to stop now, as I have just realized...I am ambling again.
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this is the love for making a difference...
by bettie_x (strangersangel@hotmail.com)
on Mar 24, 2002 - 10:26 PM
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This is the kind of love and reward you get from loving a sad child.
I was looking through my wedding pictures, and I noticed an enormous amount was either zachary (my husband's nephew) and me, or zachary and me with other people. That kid clung to my side the whole reception until I bribed him with cake and got some quite time.
I was talking with his middle sister the other day, and she said he did a school project.
He did his project on me...his project was "how much I love my aunt laurie"
Can we say pulling on the motherfucking heartstrings or what?
This is the kid that took a nap (ie. sleeping off a hangover) with me on my couch when his mom brought them over on my 21st birthday. He and his little brother made me presents...a card and a sketchbook with bats and spiderwebs on it that they cut out and glued to the "cover".
I love zachary and terran....my ultimate goal is to get a REAL job, get a house, and see if their mom will let them live with michael and I. If I had the money I'd do it in a heartbeat. I've known them both since they were babies...terran was an infant and zach was about three when I first met michael.
They've called me aunt laurie ever since I've known them, and I hope that michael and I will be the ones they come to for help and love when they need it down the road when their older, that they'll know that no matter what they do we love them always, and will always be here for them.
For heaven's sake, pick a kid. Doesn't have to even be in your family, and be a friend, be a role model, be a supportive and loving person they can look at and know they're loved no matter what they do, and aren't afraid to come to you or love you or be fearful of you.
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Re: generations of the unloved
by Anonymous-Coward on Jul 06, 2002 - 09:00 AM
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This is what its like in my family.
1. you can't know more than the parent on any issue.
2. if you get screamed at for 10 minutes straight crying is a weakness.
3. name calling should only be done by the father.
4. Mother will not interfere or stand up to the father.
There are a lot stories but this one I can still reinact in my mind fairly quickly.
I spend a lot of time in my room away from my family because it's dysfunctional. One night I came downstairs because I wanted to ask my mom if I could do something that weekend. She wasn't in the kitchen though, my dad was. I was wearing a black, hooded sweater with baggy, black pants and I turned to go find her.
When I turned he grabbed my hood and pulled on it, choking me and pulling me back toward him. I told him to stop, I screamed at him to stop but the next thing I felt was the wind getting knocked out of me when I fell to the floor. He hovered over me and I tried to get up but he pushed me back down. I turned on my stomache and tried to crawl away at the least and he just pulled me back by my feet. I grabbed onto the leg of the table and held on but he pulled quickly and I hit my head on the stove.
Everything was sort of blurry and I heard him say "you only f-ing dress like this to get a rise out of me. We don't need any f-ing dark children in our family you little bitch."
My mom came into the kitchen and I was still on the floor but he was in the living room watching tv. She asked what happend and I just glared at her because I knew that she could hear the screams, she was only in the other room. Luckily I didn't have any welts on my head and I was only bruised up a little, the bruises were gone in a few days. That's probably the worst thing that's happend to me.
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