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Articles: A Quest For Creative Solutions |
Posted by
schizo on Wednesday, January 16, 2002 - 04:16 AM PST
I just found out from my ex that HIS ex, the girl who's been persecuting me for months, who was a key factor in our break-up, who initiated our aquaintance by hitting me, and who informed me a few weeks ago that she hoped I would lose my baby, that she thinks she's coming to my baby shower that's coming up.
Obviously, she's not. She has no way of knowing when or where the party is going to be. But my ex informs me that she has bought me some onesies and dyed them black. What should I do if she succeeds in getting the opportunity to offer them to me?
This isn't really a totally serious question. I've already pretty much decided what I would do. I think I'd tell her to give them to her older sister, who wears black and is also pregnant. I've also had suggestions to burn them, throw them in the dumpster, or to tie them around rocks and throw them in the swamp. But I'm interested in what strange and twisted things you can come up with to dispose of and/or use these things appropriately under the circumstances. I'm not talking about practical suggestions, but rather courses of action that would instigate poetic justice.
So, tell me. What should I do with the black onesies given to me by my worst enemy?
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A Quest For Creative Solutions | Login/Create an account | 24 Comments |
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Heh heh
by Dolorosa on Jan 16, 2002 - 08:02 AM
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I'd accept 'em...and then talk to her for awhile about stupid crap...'cause if she's there with you, she isn't at home...meantime you can have a couple buddies practice a little judicial arson. It's a little much...but then again, no ones really going to get hurt. But if you just can't tolerate her around you for long, just spit in her goddamn eyes.
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A Quest For Undertanding
by Arthegarn on Jan 16, 2002 - 09:24 AM
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As I start reading the post of my sweet, beautiful and never-enough-praised Schizo I run for my English dictionaries. Joder! What on earth is a baby shower? I know of babies' bathes but... showers? It's not in this dictionary. I see it has something to do with a party, so it seems it has nothing to do with the bathroom. Mmmm... Baby+Party=Baptisim. It doesn't sound like schizo baptising her child as a baby but I can think of no other thing. Then again... a shower? We catholics baptize babies with a few drops of holy water using a shell from Santiago, John the Baptist was fond of half drowning people in the Jordan, I know Jehova Witnesses take a bath... do Americans use a shower for these purposes? It's not in this biger dictionary, either. It's not even in my big, 3-tome Cassell (the biggest I have, 1,600 pages per tome)
OK; I'll let it be for the moment and read on. Holy shit! Onesies! What could that be? Sounds like a baby's clothing or something. Perhaps a one-use dyper? Nah, if it was a dyper I bet Schizo would instantly know what exactly to do with it. I look it uo in the Cassell, directly. Nothing. OK, let's try the context "I'd tell her to give them to her older sister, who wears black and is also pregnant": Well, it seems it's not for the baby after all... Mmm-hmmh.
Fortunatelly I am a man of many talents, and through black arts I invoke Asmodeus, Lord of Lust and an old accuitance of mine, who explains to me what a onesie is. A-ha. Well, lucky I didn't write anything that involved Schizo wearing it. I would have heard your laughs from here. He also tells me what a baby shower is, and that since they stopped being female-only events he or some of his minions is around creating morbid lust on them (be careful, mommy-to-be!)
Now what can you do with it? Well, Father Arthegarn suggest you give them to charity. Arthegarn the Warlock suggests something of the like that would turn all the bad karma she has placed in these onesies into good karma on your part. That would have good consequences on you and evil ones on her. Arthegarn the Avenger suggest you turn at least one to Bettie-X so she makes some triple curses on her (who knows? She might even turn black). Arthegarn the warlock also wants one, but Father Arthegarn doesn't allow him to cast curses. Arthegarn the Cruel suggests that you accept them with your best smile, and thank her saying something like "it's so nice of you to come. Since you can have none of your own I thought you wouldn't" (Actually I can think of much more sadistic things to say, but that would be really bad taste). You can also go to your ex- and say My, I was so mistaken about her! I am so thankful... First she takes you out of my life, then she gives me gifts! She is so tohughtful!" Arthegarn Scrooge says get them and store them for the next time you are invited to a baby shower. Chucky Arthegarn, at last, suggests you fill them all with hay to make scarecrows and plant them in her garden (if she has any) with one-eyed doll heads and so on. Arthegarn JD, attorney at law, suggests you accept them in public, return them in private, and then run to the police in a flood of tears and screaming that she stole your unborn baby's onesies (you can optionally add she did so for dark rituals)
Asmodeus, by the way, suggested before he left that you wear them in the shower to make his job easier (he didn't explain how are you supposed to fit in there, but I assume from his look that you are supposed not to).
Best of lucks, sweetie. You should post a pic of you, your belly and your smile, I bet it would be the nicest pic that has ever been posted (would even bet Lily Lick and the one of Bettie-X and her nephew)
Arthegarn.
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Think deep much?
by Dolorosa on Jan 16, 2002 - 10:13 AM
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Whoa...baby shower...they don't actually put the baby in the shower. Essentially, the strange American custom is nothing more than this frippy (whatever that is) little party for the mom-to-be and the baby-to-be...where you can give baby gifts and giggle about weird stuff...usually it's a lot of girls, however...if all the girls then jump into the shower...I suppose things get interesting. Consequently, I have no idea what onesies are...maybe they're flowers. I still think you should burn her house down...nothin' says unlovin like flames from an oven...
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Re: A Quest For Creative Solutions
by oohp (oohp@gotik.nu)
on Jan 16, 2002 - 01:47 PM
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Hum. You think to much about how to handle some fucking idiot, when she doesn't deserve one mere second of thought. Just follow your heart and do/say whatever comes in handy at the time. Or don't do or say anything at all.
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Agreed...
by Poison on Jan 16, 2002 - 02:04 PM
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I think I'll go with Dolorosa on this one.
Burn her house. She has it coming to her. After all that crap you had to put up with from her side, damn.
And why does she even think she'll be invited to your baby shower in the first place? even if she does give you a gift, which you can easely get for yourself, mind you.
From what i got so far, she's been and I think still is a sharp, big thorn in your side, and you know you have to get the "forceps" to pull it out eventually, once and for all.
Just tell her to sod off and leave you alone, you don't have anymore connections with her, do you?
Best wishes.
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Ungh.
by Anonymous-Coward on Jan 16, 2002 - 02:48 PM
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The problem with stupid people, is they keep being stupid no matter how much advice you toss them.
TO keep this quick, Schizo, please stop talking to these idiots who have expressed open hostility to you and who continue to involve themselves in your life in detrimental ways. They are just there to hurt you.
I believe this sentiment has been echoed on numerous forums around this site, and you continue to ignore it. Do you invite this kind of misery to your life? Should people even respond to your posts, seeing as you continue to encourage the same wanton destructive behavior in your life?
Think about something very clearly: this woman is mentally deranged. She's angry, and believes you partially destroyed her life. Both of you are co-dependent on a shirking man who cannot support himself financially and runs away from problems when they develop.
She might just punch you in the stomach when she hands you the onesies.
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- Re: Ungh. by Schizo on Feb 01, 2002 - 04:34 PM
Re: A Quest For Creative Solutions
by bettie_x (strangersangel@hotmail.com)
on Jan 17, 2002 - 01:12 PM
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She does ignore this woman, and wants nothing to do with her, as she's said also numerous times in several discussions. But unfortunately this woman is one of those people you just can't get away from or even get a restraining order...they are just a hair below breaking the laws in some states. Plus, as this Ex of hers is the father of her baby, and ALSO the father of the CRAZY woman's baby, she has no choice other than to HAVE to deal with this woman (even if she was sane)in the world once and a while in even a fair world. Which this isn't, and she isn't sane, so she has to deal with her...probably constantly.
Alone and pregnant, she HAS to rely on at least the minimum level from this man for some things. Sure, she could cut everything and move away and never let her or her child see him again. Where would she go. What would she do. If she accepts the child support checks he is obligated by law to send, she has to let him see the child. If she refuses support, she can cut him off completely....and do what. Have absolutely no help whatsoever from the person who has half the blame of putting her in this position.
It may sound like co-dependency to you, but if anything it's just ranting and venting, and this is probably one of the only places and avenues she has to get the stress and frusteration of the whole ordeal off her chest.
And the "advice" given to her about what exactly to do to/with the crazy ex's ex have been hardly feasable nor LEGAL...so c'mon, cut her a little slack.
If she has a restraining order against the woman, just leave her be and don't let any info about the shower's date time and place, and if she finds out and shows up with ANY intentions, call the police and have her removed. Black onsies and all.
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You sank my battleship!!
by Dolorosa on Jan 21, 2002 - 04:09 AM
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Thats it, I'll solve the problem!! Give me her coordinates...as accurate as possible...and I'll see if I can't figure a way to land a patriot missle in her living room...mail the onesies to me and I'll tape 'em on the warhead...maybe it isn't the cleverest solution...but hell, it's at least a solid and immediate one.
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commendation
by Rae (darkness_embraced1@yahoo.com)
on Jan 24, 2002 - 12:56 AM
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Schizo, I got to say this much...You are more the woman than I could ever be! I could have never tolerated what you have put up with from this psycho bimbo from hell..sheesh..and I thought the problem I had awhile ago with an obsessive "friend" was bad.
I think I would have to open a can of major whoop ass on this cat. Unfortunately, your not in the condition to do so. I wouldn't put those onsies on my baby, who knows what the hell else she is soaking those onsies in besides black dye. I would accept them and say thank you, and the instance she was out of sight, they would definitely be acquainted with my trash can. When Jealousy rules a person to her degree, they are capable of doing anything. Best of luck to you...keep your friends close, but your enemies even closer.
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Re: A Quest For Creative Solutions
by Schizo on Feb 01, 2002 - 05:15 PM
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Well, the event happened. My ex (at whom I'm royally pissed off, and I told him so!) brought her and the kids over one evening. Kind of hard to turn down the gift in front of the kids, but I did. Told her I wanted nothing to do with her. She tried to say that I had to, since we had kids by the same man. Sorry. No.
She tried to say she had never done anything to hurt me. I said "what about telling me you hoped my baby would die." She seemed to think that, because I told my ex that I suspected the STD he gave me came from her, that it was all right for her to say that. Sorry. No.
She tried to tell me that I should just put up with her, because she was going to die in 6 years. (She says that, not because the doctors told her that, but because she is 21, and has this idea in her head that she will die at age 27, probably because Kurt Cobain and a few other people did.) Sorry. No.
I started to lecture her on the benefits of self-control. It worked. She left. Her gift sat on my front porch in the snow for a couple of weeks until my ex came by and took it away. I don't know what he did with it.
The only thing I've heard from her since was a phone message from her, telling me that my ex was "really messed up". Surprise, surprise.
Oh yeah, and she tried to wave to me a couple times when I saw her in town. I pretended I didn't see her.
End of The Saga of the Black Onesies!
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