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Feature: Loving Words? |
Posted by
Devin on Monday, November 19, 2001 - 05:45 PM PST
I've been frusterated lately by having to explain things to people that I would't have to explain if the english language had words for them. I've been noticing that there's very few words you can use to refer to relationships.
The Ex
This past weekend, I went to california and visited my _____. Every time I told someone what I was doing, I had to say "I'm going to visit my ex". Then I'd have to answer The Questions. Are you getting back together? Doesn't she have a girlfriend? Are you 'Just Friends' now? (Wait a second... 'Just Friends'? What the fuck is that?) Calling her my ex implies that we're not sleeping together anymore and that we broke up. Even though we never really 'broke up', she's certainly not my girlfriend. Calling her my friend also implies a lack of nekkid time. Calling her a fuckbuddy is completely inappropriate, since that implies that we just have lotsa sex. What's the word for a girlfriend who you never broke up with but still adore, but don't see very often but you're still all lovey even though you've both been with other people off and on, and plan on keeping it like this for a long time?
The Project
Every once in a while someone comes along who has too huge of issues for you to really want to stay with for a long time - but you know you can fix them (or at least get them on the right track). I don't recommend this at all! Everyone thinks they can fix people, but if you don't know exactly how you're going to do it before you even think about starting, then it's a really bad idea. If you think you can do it ask yourself 2 things: "Do I have at least 3 past-projects that call me regularly and thank me profusely?" and "Did this person specifically say the word help?" If you can't answer yes to those, then you're deluding yourself. (Don't try this at home kids) Ok, now that that's out of the way. Projects certainly make for a strange kind of relationship. It's almost like a D/s total power exchange thing where the dom is in control of the sub's entire life for a little while. Once you're to the point where the project is fixed enuf, you've already gone through so much together that normal issues like jealousy for example just seems trite. But how do you describe that bond? I just call it project for lack of a better word - I know that most people that hear it have no clue what I'm saying. (But think they do).
Can't Haves
This one is probably a little more common. Especially now with the internet and all the yummy people scattered so far apart. Normally when you meet someone delicious who you can't have, some kind of drama ensues and everything blows up, end of story. But sometimes it's possible to have one of these kinds of relationships long term, and they can be delicious. But what do you call them? I've had long distance ones, where neither of us were going to move, and with girls with kids that I can't have because I absolutely don't want kids, even with a married girl who's husband was ok with us having some nekkid time, but not as much as we would have liked. I think these kind of relationships would be a lot easier to deal with and maintain if there was a word for them. What would it be?
In Other Words
With some of the alternative lifestyles, this problem has gotten so frusterating for people that words have been invented. "Partner", "Spice", "Third", "Sub/Dom" all let people know exactly what the relationship is. Even if the definitions are only recognized by a minority, they're at least recognized. What about all of the other ones though? There's no subculture of people who do projects, or of people who don't break up with all of their s/o's, or of people who get cozy with people they can't have. It's more of something that everybody (well mostly) does a few times in their lives. You'd think in that case, they would all be considered common enuf to merit their own words instead of requiring a lengthy explaination every time. I also have this theory that the reason most perfectly good relationships fall apart is that they aren't what they're "supposed to be". Perhaps just because the wrong word is applied to them? But that's a whole other topic...
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Loving Words? | Login/Create an account | 11 Comments |
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Other languages always have it right.
by Comedian (comedian@callatg.com)
on Nov 19, 2001 - 10:30 PM
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I preferred formers, renovations, and unicorns for describing those three things...
But a general word to apply to all of these things?
Model Rockets.
They go up high in the air, maybe hit a peak, then come down in a blaze of glory and red and white, or just parachute down slowly into nothingness while onlookers nonchalantly gallop out to pick up the peices of the broken rocket. They move fast, they work once, and the thrill from making them repeatedly dies out almost as soon as you get ouf of middle school. And if it doesn't break by the time you're out of middle school, they call you a freak.
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Re: Words?
by Meranda_Jade (scurtis510@home.com)
on Nov 19, 2001 - 11:26 PM
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That's a good one...
I called the boys I hung out with during my last two years of high school my "brothers" yeah, it got kinda incestuous at times, but they weren't biological brothers, more like soul-brothers...
The ones I dated (?) after high school, but were not "serious" about were my friends with benefits...
Once in a while, I'd have a "boyfriend" but these turned out to be very unfriendly after a while...
Then there's Arianna... best friend, lover, haven't talked to her for a few years, then we meet and it's like we never lost touch, things just continued as they always had...
I know if I met any of my soul-brothers, or friends with benefits, it would be the same thing, just resuming a relationship that is still going, no matter where the people in the relationship are, or how long it takes to come into contact with them again...
And it wouldn't seem odd to me to greet them with a heartfelt kiss, but it might seem odd to an onlooker who doesn't understand that love doesn't just go away...
I think there's no really good way to describe this kind of thing, putting labels on it doesn't work, each person has a different kind of (but no less strrong) connection... they're all my boys... and Arianna's my girl... and that's just how it is...
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Re: Words?
by callei (plyn@plynlymon.com)
on Nov 20, 2001 - 02:20 AM
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I generally refer to them as my "intimates" or "intimate friends" myself, unless i want to get into lots of details.
English is a bad language for intimacy, love, tenderness, joyous sex, happiness, beauty, or fun. It is good at hate, violence, war, machines, and violence. Did i mention violence?
I know what you mean about relationships have problems simply because they are called the wrong thing. My first marriage was ruined as soon as we got married because he started acting like a "husband" (whatever that is) and expected me to act as a "wife" (another ambiguous term).
The dear friends with whom you are physically intimate as well as mentally and emotioanlly intimate are intimate friends, to me.
the cant haves are the intimate possiblities maybe? distant mind lovers? chemical friends? (in that hormones and pheramones , chemicals, are what draw you together, and minds are what keep you drawn together as friends)?
How about the drinking buddy that you feel comfortable sleeping with if when neither of you has anybody else to do?
What about the past lovers that you are still fond of that are no longer interested in sleeping with someone of your sex, but might with you for old times sake?
What do you call friends that you wouldnt sleep with, except in some extreme circumstance, when most of your friends are exlovers or potential lovers or present lovers? how do you differentiate those from the rest of the "friend" relationships?
Some of the terms that i have heard are:
friends with benefits
keeper sleepers (or sleeper keepers)
friends plus
lover minus
long term lover
petting pal
deeper than lust
sexy sister/boinking brother (can cause SERIOUS communication problems with somepeople)
F.W.S ( friends with sex)
Fred ( male that you cooul/can/do/will sleep with and genuinly enjoy hanging out with and can hit on others in front of them with no weirdness)
Wilma (same thing only female)
special lover
heart sharer
intimate friend
those are all that i can think of right now, ask me again when i have time to look thru some old letters and emails.
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Re: Loving Words?
by feralucce on Nov 22, 2001 - 08:07 PM
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I agree... it is very hard to quantify emotion... I find it a bit odd... considering humans tend to be just a collection of emotions and instincts, and yet we have a hard time expressing those emotions...
Feral
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Re: Loving Words?
by Silvernyte (silvernyte@hotmail.com)
on Nov 25, 2001 - 09:39 AM
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*Hugs* I definately understand the problem. About the only way I've found to get around it is to keep descriptions very basic, so everyone can understand. You have to look at things from a lot of different prespectives so different people can understand. After a person gets to know you a little they can understand better what you actually mean, until then it saves time and frustration in trying to explain things till they get it.
As far as the ex. Society has basically set the standard for that one. Didn't you know that you're not suppose to be friends with your ex, let alone get along with them and have sex on occasion. A large pile of dung as far as I'm concerned. There is no reason why you can't get along with your ex or even be friends, except that it is the way you both want it. Some people couldn't work out their differences when they were together, let alone when they seperated. I feel sorry for them in a way. There was a reason why they got together to begin with and they seem to have forgotten that. All they can look at is the fact that they hate the other person. I'm probably saying things that you already know, but that is normally why other people don't get it when we try to explain relationships to them. They couldn't do it and they can't understand how we could do it.
My ex is a project. We had major problems that couldn't be worked out when we were together and now that we are not together we can look at what they are and work on them (a long story I will not go into here). Needless to say he is trying to improve himself and not make the same mistakes that he did the first time (as am I). No chance of us ever getting back together, but I wish him the best with another. He even comes and talks to me about problems he has with people he is seeing. He has to learn to break his cycle and grow up (eventually I hope). I think we all have some type of people project in our lives at one time or another. That definately is one that has no set way to put it simply in a single description.
The human flaw to relationships is that we all have a different expectation of what we want. If that expectation is not met the other person is not worthy of us. Any more I don't expect any thing from another except to be treated with respect and kindness. Seems to work out better that way. Don't make promises you can't or won't keep, keep it simple and to the point. Honesty will either make or break the relationship.
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Oops!
by Silvernyte (silvernyte@hotmail.com)
on Nov 25, 2001 - 09:48 AM
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One other thing I wanted to say was that a lot of monogamous people will always have problems trying to understand polyamorous people. Expecially peoples that try to stay in the main stream and not deviate from the set standard. They don't get the basics of how you can be seeing more than one person at a time anyway. Let alone still associating with someone you broke up with.
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Re: Loving Words?
by Mara (maraisgod@yahoo.com)
on Mar 01, 2002 - 04:21 PM
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The best way a certain friend and I describe things we can`t really put a definate title to is "ish".
Why ish? cause every word u try to descrbe it with ends in it.
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