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Articles: Feelings...wish I never met you |
Posted by
Poison on Tuesday, August 28, 2001 - 11:32 AM PST
I read somewhere that Goth is about reclaiming our shadows, cherishing them and treasuring them. The things we tried so hard to bury in the past now come back up to the surface, demanding to be released.
The harder we try to keep them down, the harder they rise up.
I had no idea what my own shadow consisted of. Now I know. And I must say that finding out what that was took a lot of tears, grief and all around moral pain.
For years now, I had managed to successfully convince myself that I was immune to love. That I was not able to feel. Relationships flew by, grinning at me and my inability. And I, wickedly grinning back to them, denying my feelings, pushing and stacking them back in my shadow.
I felt nothing; I was in it for the pleasure, for fun. I assumed that this would be my life...that I had No heart which could break. I went through guys not feeling the emptiness when the inevitable end came.
How blind I was.
I claimed, high and strong, that detachment was my one, true, powerful weapon. And I was doing a hell of a job with that weapon too.
Until one gloomy, miserable day I learned that, slowly, the empty feeling had risen and that it was consuming me bit by bit. Tears were drowning my eyes, discontent-my soul.
I had made the mistake of freeing one emotion and realized I had opened Pandora's box and couldn't seal it back.
My life seems to be over. I feel empty. The thought that at least I know what's going on with me helps a little, but just on the surface. All I know is that I can't handle that feeling anymore. It hurts.
I lay here weeping, hoping that I've not bored you all to death *sad lol*, but putting it down made me realize just what to do.
Surrender my weapon and invoke peace. The battle within me is over and I can feel or allow myself to feel, start over, shy maybe, but with experience.
I guess I can't know what will happen but I do know this:
I can't fucking wait to go on with my new found life.
I've now embraced my shadow.
Thank you
"Gothic culture is a gift, made of those things we Lost or Never Knew We Had" (K.C. La Flamme)
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Note: I made quite a few edits to this story - I made no changes to the content, but if I somehow changed the meaning of something, please let me know and I'll fix it (this goes for all posts, fyi) -ickgirl |
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Feelings...wish I never met you | Login/Create an account | 4 Comments |
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Feelings...wish I never met you
by Arthegarn on Aug 28, 2001 - 06:08 PM
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You know, I'm starting to feel the same way... except contrary.
I have always been the opposite kind of guy. I have always been looking for Love. I don't mean love, but Love, true Love. It has been the aim of my life. And I have felt it, so deeply that it burnt my heart and left scars that no ammount of time will bury. And, every time I felt Love, I was glad and happy because I thought I was feeling the most wonderful thing in life. And everytime I got a scar I treasured it, because it reminded me of the wonderful feeling that I had for this or that person, and also the exquisitely romantic (and unbearably painful) the loss of love was.
Recently, I am beginning to see my own shadow. For all my life I have tried to treat my partners with the utmost respect. I always thought that Love would always come from freedom, and that only a natural free act could eventually result in Love. According to that I have never pressed, influenced (Arthegarn flaps the dictionary), controlled or otherwise tried to force my partner to feel any other way than s/he felt... or said s/he felt
Now, I am starting to know different.
am realizing that people, most of the time don't say what they feel. Actually, that mos of the time they donm't know what they feel anfd almost need to be told. I am starting to really understand that men and women are not alike, I am starting to understand that women DO need to feel pressed from time to time, because otherwise they do not feel loved nor desired. I am starting to wonder if all these years of being the perfectly sensible, honest, respecting reachable and reaching, kind of guy as all women of the late 20th century demanded every time they spoke hasn't turned me into everyone's blasted (not fucking) best friend, while a little bit of pressure, a little bit of letting myself go even if it meant not giving someone the time or space they requested wasn't exactly what they required.
I am at the verge of a huge void: recognizing to myself that it does not pay to be the good guy, and that you have to be a completely illogical mixture of devil and angel (when, in theory, everyone wants an angel) to sentimentally succeed.
If you are feeling as scared as I am about having spent your whole life believing in some values and then finding reality it ahs nothing to do with them... then you have my deepest sympathies, Ickgirl
Good luck with your shadow. At least, it's in the "right" direction. Nobody will anathemize you by starting to believe in love... I wonder what will become of me when I start defending that what women have been defending for the last 100 years, and what I have tried to follow respect and accomplish all of my life isn't what they really want...
God forgive me
Arthegarn
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Re: Feelings...wish I never met you
by NightSide (nightside@vampirefreeks.com)
on Sep 05, 2001 - 11:27 AM
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http://hcgothic.iwarp.com/
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Welcome home. I always tell my friends, 'To deny the darkness in you deminishes your light,' and it is SO true. To shut that part of us out that finds the beauty in the night, the pleasure in the pain, the peace and solace of the darkness, is to shut out that part of life that really brings peace and happiness to life... I have a favorite quote, 'To lose ones fear of pain and death is to lose ones fear of LIFE', if you are at peace with the darkness then most fear vanishes and life can then be REALLY enjoyed... The journy may be lonley because so many are to 'afraid' to look into the dark let alone embrace the mystery of it all, but it is a worthwhile and wonderous trip. There are a lot of us here in this world, you will find more then you ever dreamed of, just keep a open mind and heart....
Nightside
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