|
|
Currently no members online:)
You are an anonymous user. You can register for free by clicking here |
We have 30 guests online !
|
|
|
|
|
Articles: Feelings...wish I never met you |
Posted by
Poison on Tuesday, August 28, 2001 - 11:32 AM PST
I read somewhere that Goth is about reclaiming our shadows, cherishing them and treasuring them. The things we tried so hard to bury in the past now come back up to the surface, demanding to be released.
The harder we try to keep them down, the harder they rise up.
I had no idea what my own shadow consisted of. Now I know. And I must say that finding out what that was took a lot of tears, grief and all around moral pain.
For years now, I had managed to successfully convince myself that I was immune to love. That I was not able to feel. Relationships flew by, grinning at me and my inability. And I, wickedly grinning back to them, denying my feelings, pushing and stacking them back in my shadow.
I felt nothing; I was in it for the pleasure, for fun. I assumed that this would be my life...that I had No heart which could break. I went through guys not feeling the emptiness when the inevitable end came.
How blind I was.
I claimed, high and strong, that detachment was my one, true, powerful weapon. And I was doing a hell of a job with that weapon too.
Until one gloomy, miserable day I learned that, slowly, the empty feeling had risen and that it was consuming me bit by bit. Tears were drowning my eyes, discontent-my soul.
I had made the mistake of freeing one emotion and realized I had opened Pandora's box and couldn't seal it back.
My life seems to be over. I feel empty. The thought that at least I know what's going on with me helps a little, but just on the surface. All I know is that I can't handle that feeling anymore. It hurts.
I lay here weeping, hoping that I've not bored you all to death *sad lol*, but putting it down made me realize just what to do.
Surrender my weapon and invoke peace. The battle within me is over and I can feel or allow myself to feel, start over, shy maybe, but with experience.
I guess I can't know what will happen but I do know this:
I can't fucking wait to go on with my new found life.
I've now embraced my shadow.
Thank you
"Gothic culture is a gift, made of those things we Lost or Never Knew We Had" (K.C. La Flamme)
|
Note: I made quite a few edits to this story - I made no changes to the content, but if I somehow changed the meaning of something, please let me know and I'll fix it (this goes for all posts, fyi) -ickgirl |
| |
|
|
Average Rating : 5.0
Total ratings : 1
|
|
|
|
|
|
Feelings...wish I never met you | Login/Create an account | 4 Comments |
| Comments are owned by the poster. We aren't responsible for their content. |
Feelings...wish I never met you
by Arthegarn on Aug 28, 2001 - 06:08 PM
(User info | Send a Message)
|
You know, I'm starting to feel the same way... except contrary.
I have always been the opposite kind of guy. I have always been looking for Love. I don't mean love, but Love, true Love. It has been the aim of my life. And I have felt it, so deeply that it burnt my heart and left scars that no ammount of time will bury. And, every time I felt Love, I was glad and happy because I thought I was feeling the most wonderful thing in life. And everytime I got a scar I treasured it, because it reminded me of the wonderful feeling that I had for this or that person, and also the exquisitely romantic (and unbearably painful) the loss of love was.
Recently, I am beginning to see my own shadow. For all my life I have tried to treat my partners with the utmost respect. I always thought that Love would always come from freedom, and that only a natural free act could eventually result in Love. According to that I have never pressed, influenced (Arthegarn flaps the dictionary), controlled or otherwise tried to force my partner to feel any other way than s/he felt... or said s/he felt
Now, I am starting to know different.
am realizing that people, most of the time don't say what they feel. Actually, that mos of the time they donm't know what they feel anfd almost need to be told. I am starting to really understand that men and women are not alike, I am starting to understand that women DO need to feel pressed from time to time, because otherwise they do not feel loved nor desired. I am starting to wonder if all these years of being the perfectly sensible, honest, respecting reachable and reaching, kind of guy as all women of the late 20th century demanded every time they spoke hasn't turned me into everyone's blasted (not fucking) best friend, while a little bit of pressure, a little bit of letting myself go even if it meant not giving someone the time or space they requested wasn't exactly what they required.
I am at the verge of a huge void: recognizing to myself that it does not pay to be the good guy, and that you have to be a completely illogical mixture of devil and angel (when, in theory, everyone wants an angel) to sentimentally succeed.
If you are feeling as scared as I am about having spent your whole life believing in some values and then finding reality it ahs nothing to do with them... then you have my deepest sympathies, Ickgirl
Good luck with your shadow. At least, it's in the "right" direction. Nobody will anathemize you by starting to believe in love... I wonder what will become of me when I start defending that what women have been defending for the last 100 years, and what I have tried to follow respect and accomplish all of my life isn't what they really want...
God forgive me
Arthegarn
|
Re: Feelings...wish I never met you by Poison on Aug 29, 2001 - 01:58 PM (User info | Send a Message) | Arthegarn,
First of all, I wrote that , me Poison, Ick girl just edited it and posed it there.
I can see you had a lot of time to think about that and that you have really deep ruted ideas.
Now being a begginer in feelings I have no idea what to say. None of us think the same, so I think we'll all eventually find someone who at least thinks a little like we do...or so I hope. I also think what you said makes sense, the thing about showing your love from time to time in a more "violent" manor. But, hey, I could be wrong...
Poison
|
[ No anonymous comments ]
Re: Feelings...wish I never met you by RavenChyld on Sep 06, 2001 - 07:16 PM (User info | Send a Message) | Surprisingly, (or perhaps not so surprisingly,) I'm about to agree with you wholeheartedly, Arthegarn. I'm one of those women who always proclaimed we wanted the "nice guy". Y'know, Prince Charming on his white horse? I found quite a few of them, actually, and for some reason that I never let myself analyze too closely, they always ended up being wonderful friends after the rapid decline of our romantic endeavor(s).
Somewhere along the line, I got tired of the pattern. I had wonderful guy after wonderful, sensitive, caring, eternally reachable guy, and yet it just never seemed to work. Now why doesn't this sound like the majority of complaints from late 20th/early 21st century women? Because this particular woman decided to find out what the hell was wrong and fix it.
The only problem with this was that I eventually realized I didn't actually want the nice guy I had always believed I was supposed to want. No, I honestly wanted the bad guy, the incubus, the Dark Lord... and that scared the living sh*t out of me. For me, confronting my shadow meant discovering what I really wanted and accepting it.
I've found that perfect mix of angel (pardon me, he mumbles from behind his novel that he's a *Fallen* angel) and demon in a man, and it's the man I love beyond words. How did I find it? Well, first my best friend bullied the two of us into getting together. Then, I asked him to do what I'd simply waited for: I asked him to help me bring my own shadows out, to play with them, to compliment them.
It was hard to face.
But it's made all the difference.
RavenChyld |
[ No anonymous comments ]
Re: Feelings...wish I never met you
by NightSide (nightside@vampirefreeks.com)
on Sep 05, 2001 - 11:27 AM
(User info | Send a Message)
http://hcgothic.iwarp.com/
|
Welcome home. I always tell my friends, 'To deny the darkness in you deminishes your light,' and it is SO true. To shut that part of us out that finds the beauty in the night, the pleasure in the pain, the peace and solace of the darkness, is to shut out that part of life that really brings peace and happiness to life... I have a favorite quote, 'To lose ones fear of pain and death is to lose ones fear of LIFE', if you are at peace with the darkness then most fear vanishes and life can then be REALLY enjoyed... The journy may be lonley because so many are to 'afraid' to look into the dark let alone embrace the mystery of it all, but it is a worthwhile and wonderous trip. There are a lot of us here in this world, you will find more then you ever dreamed of, just keep a open mind and heart....
Nightside
|
|
|