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Re: No i wont fuck you(Score: 2) by callei on Aug 26, 2003 - 06:09 AM | "What motivates a person to enter into a BDSM subculture in the first place though? A fetish? A 'Sexual identity'? A psychological deficiency..." Im turning that last one into a question as well for the purposes of answering this post.
What motivates people to enter the BDSM subculture is the same as what motives tehm to join a dog lovers group, a gun club, or the PTA; a sense of community with people who like the same things they do. What motivates people to try a little BDSM in thier own bedroom is a very different question, partially because of the hazy line between "vanilla" sex and "non vanilla" sex. For example: missionary possition: gives all the "power and control" to the person on top. the person on the bottom cant just stand up and leave, they are restrained by the other person. How vanilla is that really? Sensous massage: One person is in doing it, one is receiving it. If the receiver wants that yummy massage to go on, they have to relax, lay back and let the other person have "control". Oral sex: most often (but not always) this is one person doing to another. one person has the control over the others most delicate bits and is, to some extent (ok if they are any good) "controling" the other person's orgasm or arousal. Those are three very "normal" sexual situation/acts and they already have elements of power exchange. so what motivates peope to make it more interesting and talk about that power dynamic? the desire to have MORE fun, be more intimate with thier partner, and know themselves better.
Fetishes are a different thing, psychologically speaking, dispite the social usage of the word to mean "non usual sex". A fetish is something that (in many cases) divorces the sex drive from a human source and focuses sexual desire (ability to orgasm) onto a thing. that person is unable to cum with people or themselves, only with that thing whatever it maybe. (yes this is way simplified, im not a shrink and i dont play one on tv)
Sexual Identity can be so many things to so many people that i cant speak about it in a meaningful way. It can be political, social, or sexual. It can be hidden, out, or ignored. It can be something that you care about or soemthing that you dont. But, it doesnt lead you around and make you do things, it is (generally) a declaration of what you already want and do.
A psychological deficiency is the last one here. And this is one that is commonly (tho wrongly) attributed to the so-called BDSM crowd. That idea that ALL people that play this way to any degree are survivors of abuse, have some mental unballance, or are strak raving loony is sort of bizarre when you look at what it really says. If normal is "what most people do" then bonadge is normal (last sex census says that 90% of people try bondage at least once in thier lives), power games are normal (again some 85% KNOWINGLY play cops and robbers, doctor and nurse, Knight and Damsel in Distress etc at least once in thier lives), and costumes are normal (98% of all women over the age of 18 own lingerie, 83% of all men own "sexy" underwear). So how is it deviant to do what it normal? Because over all the BDSM crowd TALKS about it, thinks about the ramifications of thier acts and wants, and then decided to try it again. Because they think date rape is wrong and evil, not normal. Because they dont sleep with people that have to get drunk before they can have sex. Because they face thier sex drive and say "hmm what happens when i do this?" not hide from themselves and thier partners what they like. I am sooo not judging here and saying that BDSM is "better" than "normal" sex. I am saying that thinking about what you really like is the best way to get more of what you like, whatever that maybe.
On a final note... that "romantic" ideal of sex with wine and roses and satin sheets is rather kinky if you think about it. all that costuming, roleplaying, mood setting, toys and accessories, and the "surrender". I mean jeeze, its too kinky for me. |
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