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Re: Coming to Terms
by gothicmorman (litty_klj@hotmail.com)
on Apr 06, 2006 - 12:49 AM
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http://www.freewebs.com/gothicmorman
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haha, yeah - alcohol unbalances my stomach though O.O
If I had the money for a psychoanalyst then maybe, I want to work it out myself though. I have been taken to counsellors (the ones my mother gets free through work type thing) the first one was buzzed when we got there and the second one was just crazy and didn't understand a word I said. I'm don't need it though, not reeeeeeally. Good friends and hugs are great support. My mom just pokes at me to go on meds, which is why i am so bitter.
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Re: Coming to Terms
by Meranda_Jade (Meranda@mymind.com)
on Apr 06, 2006 - 11:00 AM
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I've been late to post on this one because it's hitting too close to home for me at the moment.
I've been off and on depressed for years. There's no real reason I can point to... it's too late for it to still be postpartum, my life isn't nearly as crazy as it was in my childhood, I have all of my needs taken care of and no severe upsets in my life. I have friends, a decent social life, and a wonderful family, so I'm not emotionally isolated. There's nothing wrong.
Still, once in a while, I fall into a pit of loneliness and despair so dark and cold, it's terrifying. I rage against my family, become withdrawn from my friends, and feel incredibly hurtful toward myself. I cry a lot. I don't do myself actual physical harm... mostly because I'm really good at talking myself out of it. When I have an episode, I can actually feel my mental state deteriorating. It's like everything gets confused and all I can think is rage, hate, despair and unhappiness. I think all kinds of deluded thoughts, mostly ones that focus on the "fact" that no one really cares for me, that I'm a burden to everyone who knows me, that I have no real purpose here, and at the time, it all seems so plausible. I imagine that those who are closest to me, in fact, hate me and are using me or being mean to me. It all seems so real. And it hurts so much. And I have no idea what can be done about it. I don't even know where the real problem is. So, when I have an episode, I tell myself it's not real and that it will pass. And I get drunk. Getting drunk helps me not focus on how crappy I'm feeling. I also force myself to be out around people, intereacting with people who are simply out having a good time and who enjoy my company in an undemanding way really helps distract me from the bad thoughts.
When I'm coming off an episode, I wonder if I ought to get help. That maybe it would be better for myself and more importantly, for those who have to deal with me on a regular basis, if I were to just go get drugged to my eyeballs so I don't make everyone around me miserable. Or at least go find a therapist to talk to and keep my head straight and maybe resolve some of the issues I've been trying to psychoanalyze out of myself for years. I never actually make that call. Part of it is that I'm lazy. Part of it is, like Daria, that I'm scared. I'm afraid of being drugged. I'm afraid of being one of "those people". I'm afraid of being like my mother. My mother is bipolar. She is constantly telling me that it's hereditary, and that she thinks that I and my daughter have it. She also thinks that I have Adult ADD. I might. No one will ever know what's really wrong with me, because I won't go to a doctor and find out. I'll just kick back and self medicate with alcohol and wait for the blow up that will permanently alienate my family and friends and leave me with nobody and nothing. Or die from liver poisoning.
I know I ought to get help. It's so hard to actually make that call, though. To admit, once and for all, that I don't have it together like everyone thinks I do. That I'm not as strong as everyone thinks I am. It's like admitting defeat and thinking about it makes me feel worse than ever.
Thanks for posting this, Daria. I know that you're a strong woman who has it together. Thanks for showing me that it's not a weakness or something to be ashamed of to get help. I hope that your therapy helps you get through your pain quickly.
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