C'est la Vie... Date Friday, April 19, 2024 - 06:44 PM PST Topic Experiences This is a very difficult article to write, and I am having a very tough time trying to start it... but I guess this is as good a beginning as any... I wrote a little in the forums about how difficult this season was for me... and I am attempting now to put into words what I have been searching for a way to tell you, my friends, for over a month... In fact, I think this has been trying to come out for over a year, which is one reason why I have been unable to write much of anything besides the odd forum comment for ages... Shmeng has always been a place that has wrenched the truth out of me... but I have been dealing with a truth that I did not want to face... So, here I am... *takes a deep breath*... my husband and I are getting a divorce... Yeah, yeah, I know - how many kajillions of people get divorces every year... hardly noteworthy anymore... but those of you who truly know me, and have known the story of my life with this man who has become my husband... you will know the incredible upheaval this decision creates in me, and in the whole way I approach things... I don't know what really happened... things were going better... we had acheived some privacy... money was coming easier... we had the things we needed... but things weren't growing... weren't progressing... we were running the same old circles... I started to feel the need to reach out and grab hold of life - to experience things instead of sitting in the background... he, in his brokeness, wanted to hide within himself... I tried to hold myself back to him, but I was driving myself crazy - tried to encourage him to join me, but he couldn't... then I tried to walk my own path within the same home... but the distance between us just grew... and finally... I had to face it... and I ended it... I have been living with friends for the past few weeks... the same ones that took me in when I was pregnant... they own their own home now, and fixed up a room for Riley and I... I have been doing well... OK, not exactly... I kind of had a physical breakdown, and have been very sick for the last week or two... but I'm not depressed... just resting and getting my mind together to face a new, more independent life... I procrastinated the end of my marriage for a long time, mostly out of fear that this would destroy my husband... he was very emotionally unbalanced when I met him, and he learned to lean on me like a crutch - I was his entire life, and I feared what it would do to him if I took myself and our daughter away... I suspected that, perhaps, he would find something deep within himself that would pull him through... that in fact losing me would snap something and force him to face up to reality for the first time in a long time... but I was not certain, and I did not want to deal him a fatal blow... he is a good man, and tries very hard, and loves me in his own way, very deeply... But in the end, there was no choice... simply a recognition of fact... and somehow I was handed the courage and strength to deal the blow, and walk away... toughest thing I have ever had to do, bar none... But you know what? I needn't have worried... my husband... is amazing me... he has a long, long way to go, but within a week or two of our break-up, he was already taking the first steps towards facing hard reality, facing his demons, and fighting his way to health and strength... I am so proud of him... We still love each other, very deeply, but we both realize that this is final... our paths for health and progress lie in different directions... I do not regret anything I have done with him... it was all necessary for me to learn certain things about myself, and about life... but now it is time for moving on... I guess that's just life... This article comes from Shmeng http://www.shmeng.com/ The URL for this story is: http://www.shmeng.com/modules.php?op=modload&name=News&file=article&sid=834